I think I've caught her "broken-ness"

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Big realisation today - I don't miss her as much as I thought.  It's not HER that I miss.

It's that part of myself - the excited, naive, wide-eyed girl who was in love for the first time.  The girl who finally thought she'd found what everyone else had discovered years ago. 

It was the first time I felt normal.

It was the first time I felt like I wasn't on the outside, looking in, anymore.

It was the first time I understood what it felt like to be "in love"

I miss that feeling of being safe, that my world was right, that I was protected.

I can't undo what I know now.  My main worry is that I will never feel safe again, now my eyes have been opened to the pain, confusion and hurt that goes with being BPD, and spreads like a virus to those involved with a BPD.

The very thought of love, relationships, etc makes me feel yucky.  Sick, and broken.

The memories, feelings, pain and confusion will always be there, like an ink blot in my history.  Yet according to mine and her plan, it was all meant to be so beautiful.

I don't know how to erase everything from my memory.  People say it's good to have experiences that make you stronger - I just think this was too much for me.

Everyone's a little broken in their own way, but the damage her feels irreperable.  It's always going to hurt, and I can't see myself getting unbroken, ever.

So yes, I miss my "ubroken-ness".

[mango_flower]

Big realisation today - I don't miss her as much as I thought.  It's not HER that I miss.

It's that part of myself - the excited, naive, wide-eyed girl who was in love for the first time.  The girl who finally thought she'd found what everyone else had discovered years ago. 

It was the first time I felt normal.

It was the first time I felt like I wasn't on the outside, looking in, anymore.

It was the first time I understood what it felt like to be "in love"

I miss that feeling of being safe, that my world was right, that I was protected.

I can't undo what I know now.  My main worry is that I will never feel safe again, now my eyes have been opened to the pain, confusion and hurt that goes with being BPD, and spreads like a virus to those involved with a BPD.

The very thought of love, relationships, etc makes me feel yucky.  Sick, and broken.

The memories, feelings, pain and confusion will always be there, like an ink blot in my history.  Yet according to mine and her plan, it was all meant to be so beautiful.

I don't know how to erase everything from my memory.  People say it's good to have experiences that make you stronger - I just think this was too much for me.

Everyone's a little broken in their own way, but the damage her feels irreperable.  It's always going to hurt, and I can't see myself getting unbroken, ever.

So yes, I miss my "ubroken-ness".

[snappafcw]

Mango Flower I couldn't have put it better and I am so sorry things are so hard... .

I feel the same. It has been five months since my Ex girlfriend left me and she tried to reach out to me via email last week but I ignored her. I know I can live without her and as much compassion as I have for her i know she is no good to me or anyone in her life for that matter. But it is still very hard. I too don't miss her but I do miss feeling complete. This time has been good for me to keep busy and work on myself I have been doing ok. However work has been very stressful lately and there is lots going on in my professional life and I miss not having someone to turn to or keep my spirits hi. I also feel alone.

I don't really know what else to say apart from remember the progress you make every day even if its small. We are all going to carry scars but there is a person out there who will make you forget your pain but right now work on you so you are a good partner. I will try and do the same

[delani]

Hi mango_flower,

I so completely understand and agree! This is 100% exactly how I feel! Not much more I can add or say... . you have said it all! Thank you!

[patientandclear]

Me too. 

[Validation78]

Hey Mango and all!

It is completely normal to feel this way. I think all of us can relate. In fact, I have spent time talking about this in therapy and have been assured that many others before me have expressed similar feelings as well, so we are in good company!

I have also been assured, by my T, a person I trust, that these feelings will wane. They will always be there in the depths of our minds, and they will impact our futures, however, it's not likely to be the way we think now. If we take the pain and turn it into a life lesson, and focus on the positives that come from the lessons, the pain will fade over time.

For many of us here, the wounds are fresh, so it's hard to imagine that there will be a time when we don't feel as we do now. I have made a commitment to myself to not allow an horrific experience such as this relationship I had, to mold me into someone I'm not. I refuse to allow him to have that kind of power over me anymore, and I will do everything in my power to make my life what I want it to be, as we all can do.

Best Wishes,

Val78

[asher2]

Mango... . I can relate to what you are saying. I remember telling people after the crazy end to our relationship that it wasn't her so much that I missed, it was the illusion of the relationship I thought we had. I remember asking people if that made sense. Many people told me "not really."

So I understand what you are saying. And I think this feeling probably says something about ourselves. Since the crazy ending of our relationship last November, I 've been trying hard to work on things about me that led me to her and to put up with behavior that is totally bizarre. It's defiantly a process. There are days where I think I have it figured out and days where I really wonder if I'm making progress. But overall, I know I'm making progress. And it is this progress that will lead me to a healthy, "normal" relationship.

[mcc503764]

For whatever reason, life led me in this direction.  After my first marriage, I was devastated.  I went through pain and hurt, but I was young and I bounced back, reclaimed my life, and ultimately came out ahead.  I don’t remember my first divorce hurting like this?  Yes, it hurt, but my rational mind eventually got me through it.

I dated after, had a few casual r/s, even lived with a few for a period of time.  Then I met my x.  Dated for a short amount of time (4 months) and got married.  Obviously it was impulsive, but I guess I figured that we were both in our 30’s, came from similar backgrounds, and really didn’t think too much into the amount of “time” that we had known each other.  It felt “right” at the time…

We married and life started happening.  Events took place that  neither one of us were equipped to handle in an adult manner.  We divorced about 2 years after.  It’s been almost 2 years since the divorce.  I guess I’d be doing so much better had it been left at that.  There was no reason for us to keep talking, no kids, mutual property, finances, nothing.

But since the divorce, we have had 5 (last count) recycles.  They usually come on about every 3 months, last for about 2 weeks, and then disappear again.  I guess what I am trying to say is that I think that it would’ve been different had we cut all ties after the divorce, but apparently we haven’t been able to do that.  There has never really been the time / chance to “get over it!”  That’s what makes me angry about the situation.  I get mad at myself, because I get stuck in the thinking that maybe this time we will find a way to make it happen?  At least at a minimum, gain some understanding, gain some acceptance, and get some form of closure?

When we go NC for months at a time, I start to feel better.  I regain my clarity, I regain my life.  I make such progress, and for whatever reason I am susceptible to her.  I allow her back into my life.  Obviously allowing her back into my life starts to “rekindle” old feelings / emotions and the whole cycle starts over again!  It’s so completely circular, it drives me crazy!

I guess I would love to think that it is that simple and “genuine” for her, but the harsh reality is that it is NOT.  I know it’s a matter of convenience for her and that makes me sick to think that I am so devalued like this.  I am disposable.  My friends tell me that she is like a spider…she’ll wrap you in her web with her actions, and then come to you when she’s hungry and slowly suck the life out of you!  I think that’s a pretty good metaphor for the situation!

Our last go-round, I wasn’t looking to explore a romantic encounter.  I really wasn’t!  I needed to let go of the anger / hate that I was harboring from her.  That was my motive / own personal reasons for engaging with her.  It was really that simple.  I was looking for some form of “closure” I guess.

Well, it ended again.  Not surprised, as it is only a matter of time.  It’s almost as if she does this to “check-in?”  She only attempts to reengage when she is on a rebound of sorts.  Then she feels compelled to rub her dating life and personal encounters in my face?  I don’t care, it’s not fair to do that to someone else, especially your x.  That’s just too malicious!

So I had to take an honest look at myself and ask, why do I allow her to treat me like that?  The disrespect, devaluing, and abuse is too much for me.  Perhaps the light bulb came on in my own mind, finally, as I have seen her patterns.  I guess the recycles allowed me to actually see that she is still repeating her same patterns.  My friends who have known her since she was a kid have told me that she hasn’t changed, she still acts like she did when she was a kid!  I guess in a strange way that helps me and absolves me of a lot of the guilt that I was carrying around with me due to the demise of the r/s?  I cant speak of other things that she has done, because it’s none of my business and I know that I cannot concern myself with the things that I cannot control…I get that.  I wouldn’t put it past her to lie about things to try and make me jealous.  That’s her weapon of choice…jealously.

 

Men are a revolving door for her.  The last time we spoke, I told her that I do care for her, but I cannot allow her to continue to treat me this way.  I am sick of the disposable manner in which she treats me.  I am sick of being her “trusty steed!”  Of course, I would like to think that this got through to her on some level, but she is too wrapped up in herself for it to be as effective as I would have liked it to have been.

I guess normal people would have taken that to heart?  I am not saying that I am the “pillar of mental health” here, but if someone had said that to me, I guess it would make me stop and take a deep, long look into my life to see how my actions were impacting another person?

Almost 3 weeks now with NC.  Just a lingering pain that doesn’t go away…

Thoughts?

MCC   

[Nearlybroken]

I couldn't have put it better myself Mangoflower.I feel very alone at the moment and am missing the very things that you mentioned.When I was with my expwBPD I felt "normal" and loved for the first time.I felt very safe.Ironically,I used to tell people he was the first "proper" relationship I had ever had (I was 35 when we met).He made me feel so loved and wanted... . gosh,how times have changed.He has gone from the only man who made me feel 100% loved to the only man who has ever made me feel 100% worthless.I struggle with the concept that the man whose words once made me feel so secure and happy is the same man whose words have left me distraught and devalued.There is no greater hurt than thinking that you simply don't matter, that someone thinks it is OK to abuse you because it's you.I cannot imagine being with anyone else in the future.I would like to think that it is because I am hurting and scarred... . but I worry that it is because I only want to be with him.My head is all over the place... . but for him life goes on as normal.It sounds petty but I wish that,just for a day,he could feel the hurt that I feel and go through what I go through each day.Some days I barely function... . he however is having a great time.it's cruel.

[Nearlybroken]

MCC,

I cannot give you any advice but I can say that I understand what you are going through.I tried so hard to make my ex see the impact his callous actions had on me... . to no avail.he simply has no empathy for what I go through.I too have been recycled and am annoyed at myself for allowing it to happen.I cannot understand why i am so susceptible to him.I have been through such hurt... . the most annoying thing for me is that if he came back tomorrow I could not say that i would close the door on him.How does that work?I KNOW the pain i went through and continue to go through yet cannot say that I wouldn't put myself in that position again.I am ashamed of my weakness when it comes to him.

[marbleloser]

"It was the first time I felt normal.

It was the first time I felt like I wasn't on the outside, looking in, anymore.

It was the first time I understood what it felt like to be "in love"

I miss that feeling of being safe, that my world was right, that I was protected."

This was a big part for me as well.Someone I could be "me" with.I didn't have to hide feelings,didn't have to pretend,didn't feel the need to put up barriers,and felt more love than I ever had in 20 years of marriage.

What I learned from that is it's ok to be "me".Someone will find that damn attractive when I'm ready.The key to this is realising that our exwBPD isn't unique.They aren't the only ones who'll see the real you,and like it.It's a liberating feeling,being yourself.   One of the many things we learn after these RS's.

[mango_flower]

Wow - I'm so sorry that so many of you can relate, as it's truly horrible. But thank you so much for taking the time to share your stories... . I'm so glad I'm not going crazy!

Let's hope that broken-ness can become fixed in time... .

x

[Cardinals in Flight]

I can also relate MF.  Lots of "firsts" for me too with BPDXg/f... .

I even said the words (OMG)... . "I've waited my whole life for you".  I meant them sincerely at the time, but now I know how off I really was.  One of the greatest lessons I've learned from this r/s is to not speak every word or thought that comes to mind  

I want to rip my tongue outta my head just thinking about that night.  :'(

CiF