have you been pressured covertly or indirectly rather than overtly or directly?

[Our abuse recovery guide]

i'm going to cross post this to L6.

hi,

i'm rooster and i've been on this board for a while but haven't posted in a while either. overall, a lot of good things have been happening in my life. i'm less and less impeded in my doctoral work, and rest of my life, by issues i have coming from having grown up with an undiagnosed BPD mom and enabling dad. i had my most successful and enjoyable semester so far. i'm engaged to the loveliest, greatest guy ever. we moved in together at the beginning of the year and love our apartment and neighborhood. a friend is living with us for the summer and this has been really great. we also have two cute cats. life ain't bad.

in my last few years of therapy i've been exploring the effects my folks, especially my mom, had on me. and i've found something i find difficult to describe, so i'm curious to see if i'm not alone in this kind of experience and how you frame that experience.

i've never been overtly pressured by my parents. i was never told, "you better get an A or else." i was never criticized or insulted when my grades or performances weren't as good as they could be. the point was that "i tried my best" and my parents always trusted that i did. i was the one motivated to do well and upset at myself if i felt i didn't.

but what i've explored is that i was pressured or experienced pressure in a different way. my household had this stifling atmosphere where it was just implied that you were one of the most brilliant, cultivated people in the world, and your dedication to whatever subject you pursued would lead you to glory, unless some asss failed to appreciate you, which is how my parents thought of their own careers and lives. so i always felt anxious about wanting to do well enough but no one was pressuring me to do well besides me. has anyone experienced anything like this? i really hope i'm not alone.

[rooster1106]

i'm going to cross post this to L6.

hi,

i'm rooster and i've been on this board for a while but haven't posted in a while either. overall, a lot of good things have been happening in my life. i'm less and less impeded in my doctoral work, and rest of my life, by issues i have coming from having grown up with an undiagnosed BPD mom and enabling dad. i had my most successful and enjoyable semester so far. i'm engaged to the loveliest, greatest guy ever. we moved in together at the beginning of the year and love our apartment and neighborhood. a friend is living with us for the summer and this has been really great. we also have two cute cats. life ain't bad.

in my last few years of therapy i've been exploring the effects my folks, especially my mom, had on me. and i've found something i find difficult to describe, so i'm curious to see if i'm not alone in this kind of experience and how you frame that experience.

i've never been overtly pressured by my parents. i was never told, "you better get an A or else." i was never criticized or insulted when my grades or performances weren't as good as they could be. the point was that "i tried my best" and my parents always trusted that i did. i was the one motivated to do well and upset at myself if i felt i didn't.

but what i've explored is that i was pressured or experienced pressure in a different way. my household had this stifling atmosphere where it was just implied that you were one of the most brilliant, cultivated people in the world, and your dedication to whatever subject you pursued would lead you to glory, unless some asss failed to appreciate you, which is how my parents thought of their own careers and lives. so i always felt anxious about wanting to do well enough but no one was pressuring me to do well besides me. has anyone experienced anything like this? i really hope i'm not alone.

[January86]

Hi rooster!

I have this same experience. In fact, the worst part of my recovery is validation, because the behavior of my Mum that had the worst influence in me (anxiety, perfectionism, not trust in people) is done covertly or indirectly.

When I didn't get the best grade my parents were really nice, told me it was ok, and I felt I was so lucky to have parents like this! However, I got mixed messages. They used to tell me that "the important thing is not to be good at something, but to be the best". When I grew up I asked them about this statement and they told me, it was just a way of talking.

Also, whenever I had a day off or watched tv my Mum would said something about it and I would feel so ashamed, I went to study immediately.  But I can’t say she got angry about it. How do I know now it wasn’t me, maybe I was oversensitive?

Other kids failed exams and were punished, I was simply too scared to fail exams.

I have this feeling that most of her influence in me was done when I was very little, I remember one Sunday in a restaurant when I said something the wrong way and she made write it over and over again in a paper napkin obsessed about if I didn’t write it so many times “I would make that grammar mistake for the rest of my life”. So I guess that when I grew older the job was done and she could take the credit for being such a sympathetic Mum.

Rooster, hope you keep doing so great    , I’m glad to hear it as I’m also about to move with my boyfriend and starting my recovery,  also helped by my crazy cat  I’m only in the starting point but looking so forward to leave all this negativity behind! I’m a bit worried about the effects of moving out with my boyfriend in my studying schedule as I have lots of anxiety problems, did this happen to you?

[rise_up]

Rooster and January86,

I join you in your feelings of covert/indirect pressure. My parents were seen as the cool ones... . I had a lot of freedoms growing up, I was given everything (I didn't have to ask for anything), they would be my cheerleaders before exams and say, as long as you do your best nothing else matters.

i got mixed messages. coming home with a less than perfect grade got me 'the looks', the silent treatment.

i would watch TV and clench my jaws as my parents walked by because they may say something to imply that i'm lazy.

Other kids were punished, but i was never lockedup to study... . i too was simply too scared to fail. and one time when i did, my crippling anxiety led me to forge the grade and lie.

So yes, I also do wonder if i'm just being over-sensitive. i was even told that by my mother... . but in a very shaming way.

but looking through the patterns of my life from then until now... . it cannot just be hypersensitivity. i went through levels of understanding where it started with: overcoming hypersensitivity, overcoming perfectionism... . but now i've started on a road to recovery to heal a very wounded bond between my family (namely mother) and i. key words: letting go, boundaries, acknowledging anger towards her.

Rooster, i'm so glad that your life is taking shape and going places! use that as your fuel as you navigate this confusing relationship. i know i am... . my jod, my cat and my treadmill keep me sane!

[rooster1106]

thanks guys!

i feel like we had similar, though not identical experiences. you guys seem to get it. this is better luck than i'm having on the l6 board! 

i find it tricky to describe because it's not concrete. they didn't say, "do this or i won't love you" or "if you're not smarter than anyone else we're bitterly disappointed." i think me being the best was just assumed and so it was impossibly upsetting to be anything other than the best -- but i was not conscious of that, just of nervousness around performance. i feel like this kind of pressure is atmospheric so to speak -- in the air rather than deriving from a specific incident. it's very much like air; you can't see it but it's everywhere. you cannot know it directly but only through its effects, like the way you can't see wind but you see leaves rustle and understand what caused it.

how would you guys describe this kind of covert or indirect, "atmospheric" pressure?

i am casually on my 3rd reading of alice miller's "the drama of the gifted child" and i feel like this amazing book might be all about "atmospheric pressure."

[cleotokos]

Hmm, your household sounds familiar, in that we were all supposedly exceptionally brilliant and anyone who disagreed was simply unintelligent. If things didn't go our way, it was due to conspiracies against us, nepotism, "stupid people", etc. However rather than put implicit pressure to do well, I find it fostered a certain laziness. As you said, if you weren't successful, it was because people weren't properly appreciating your talents. No requirement to actually BE brilliant, exceptional, dedicated - everything was someone else's fault!