Will the kids understand someday?

[hellnback]

I lost my cool a couple of days ago. My s14 was treating me like his mother use to and I just got so angry. I yelled and shouted about how I am trying my hardest an I don't deserve to be treated that way. I couldn't believe I did that. I feel horrible. My son had know idea what I was talking about. He just cried and said "ok daddy, I wont do that any more". I don't know how to say sorry. I don't know if sorry is even good enough.

The real reason I was so upset was because I feel like a failure. I feel like it is my fault my kids don't have a full time mother. Logically I understand that it is not all my fault. But that is MY feeling to deal with. How do I make it right with him? I'm so afraid.

[marbleloser]

Set him down and apologize.Explain to him that it wasn't his fault that you got angry.Be honest.Tell him anger is an emotion,like sadness.Use this time to explain that it's ok to get angry,but that you didn't control it in a way you should have and that it hurts others around you when acting out that way.Tell him grownups have problems controlling this as well.

Use this as an example of what not to do.

[hellnback]

Thank you for your insight. I like your advise. I will try tonight and I hope it helps

[Matt]

Set him down and apologize.Explain to him that it wasn't his fault that you got angry.Be honest.Tell him anger is an emotion,like sadness.Use this time to explain that it's ok to get angry,but that you didn't control it in a way you should have and that it hurts others around you when acting out that way.Tell him grownups have problems controlling this as well.

Use this as an example of what not to do.

Mine are 15 and 16, and for several years now, I've found that if I do like Marble suggests - open up to them and tell them what's real, and apologize when that's right - that works very well.  They understand if you explain it.

Your bigger question - will the kids ever understand all the issues - is harder to say.  They may not understand it the way you do;  they are different people and may view some aspects differently.

My S15 and D16 seem able to see what's real, and understand what I tell them, and still love their BPD mom.  I had them in counseling for a few years and I think that helped, and I've been in counseling too, and learned here and other ways how to talk openly with them, and I think that works.

My stepkids (23 and 35) were both raised by their BPD mom before we got married, and they struggle more with these issues.  SD23 tends to take her mom's side and pretend that things are different than they really are.  SS35 I think sees things as they are, but still clings to a fantasy about his "family" - he doesn't really deal with what happened when he was little, and that holds him back from dealing with some important issues.

I think your kids and my younger kids will probably be OK if we handle things skillfully... .

[crystal]

I agree with what the other two said about apologizing when appropriate and being honest and open. As for "will they get it", I encourage you to be cautiously optimistic. The younger they are when they start having an honest real relationship with a normal parent (ie you), the more likely the answer will be yes.

My kids are 17, 22 and 24. Me ex and I separated 7 years ago, have been divorced 5 and all three of my kids now "get it". They each have struggled suffered and grieved and blame-shifted as hey have figured out what and hwo their dad is... . Two of the three are NC with Dad.  But they all have a relationship with his family (their grandparents and aunts and  uncles). And I have a great relationship with each of them.

It was a tough long road to get here, but it is well worth it. 

Best to you.

Crystal

[slimmiller]

 

Your candor and acknowledging it is a great step forward. That is where we nons are a million miles ahead of the BPDs. They do not have the ability (seemingly) to be able to be that honest and truthful with even themselves. Even though their pain is mostly self inflicted, they feel they have no choice. Thats truly sad. :'(

My heart goes out to both you and your son. It is very hard to be what we think is a good parent when it feels like the one that is supposed to help and support us is like a boat anchor on us in so many ways. Stay true to your heart and honest with your son and he WILL see it for what it is. He has one good parent (you) that has at least an understanding of normal. That will be his beacon when things seem dark.

I know at times it feels in my situation like I am raising (co raising I should say) my children with an adult teenager (their BPD mother). If she just totally dissappeared from the kids life, it would be rough initially but then the 'crazy' could stop. Where she should be a help she is the complete opposite and sometimes just plain demonically evil with her disfunctioning and deliberate disruptions. I tell myself 11 more years, the youngest d is 7. She told me just the other day, 'I wish I had a nice mommy like Emily'.  That was gut wrenching but it told me that at that young an age she sees the crazy and KNOWS its not right.

Good luck and above all stay true to yourself! You are stronger then you think

[broken3]

hellnback,

I have found that complete honesty and admitting you are wrong works.

The kids are like sponges. They grasp soo much more than we as adults can grasp. But only through communication.

The difference is as adults we often have an opinion of presumption that everyone else with a stable mind and conscience understands our feelings and actions.

Kids , on the other hand have innocence behind them. Not a jaded view of reality because of what life has dealt them with.

They trust you... . And they base their emotions and feelings based on how you present that to them. They are sponges.

If you get angry for no good reason. Apologize.

If you do something wrong. Apologize.

Likewise. If they do something wrong. Tell them that was unacceptable. And they need to apologize.

[hellnback]

Thanky you all for your great advise. I talked to him yesterday about my behavior. I told him that I was wrong for lashing out at him. I said that he did not make me angry. I was angry before he talked to me and I took my anger out on him. I used an example of when he gets mad at his xbox game and blows up at me when I come into his room. I didn't make him mad but he takes it out on me. He definetly understood this.

I told him I was very sorry and I have 100 excuses for my poor behavior, none of them were good enough to excuse it. He seemed to understan and we hugged and said I love you's. Last night, he fell asleep in my bed watching tv with me. I love those moments. They really only come around once in lifet ime.

Anyone else who happens to read this and can relate, I would say that honesty has given me freedom.

Thank you all once again. Great advise! 

[sanemom]

Thanky you all for your great advise. I talked to him yesterday about my behavior. I told him that I was wrong for lashing out at him. I said that he did not make me angry. I was angry before he talked to me and I took my anger out on him. I used an example of when he gets mad at his xbox game and blows up at me when I come into his room. I didn't make him mad but he takes it out on me. He definetly understood this.

I told him I was very sorry and I have 100 excuses for my poor behavior, none of them were good enough to excuse it. He seemed to understan and we hugged and said I love you's. Last night, he fell asleep in my bed watching tv with me. I love those moments. They really only come around once in lifet ime.

Anyone else who happens to read this and can relate, I would say that honesty has given me freedom.

Thank you all once again. Great advise! 

Now the kids have learned that no one is perfect and how to show humility.  Good job!

[Matt]

Anyone else who happens to read this and can relate, I would say that honesty has given me freedom.

Great lesson!