Not again

[hoping4hope]

First Post. Loved a person diagnosed with BPD many years ago, but managed to get away.

Now married into a family with at least 3 people with BPD, (not my spouse).

Didn't want this back in my life and now I'll be dealing with it for the rest of my life.

Yes, I should have paid more attention.  

[Waddams]

 

Welcome to our little slice of the internet.  I hope you'll be able to find the support and guidance you need here.  We have a lot of members that deal with disordered family members, in laws, etc. 

I'd like to be able refer you to a starting point, but would like to get a little more iinformation first. 

I guess I'd start with some basics.  How old are you and your husband?  How long have you been married?  Do you have any kids?

And who are the BPD's you're dealing with?  What's your relation to them?

How/what does your husband think of the issues with the BPD's? 

[hoping4hope]

Thank you for the welcome. Trying to cope with an almost inevitable impending disaster.

I guess I'd start with some basics.  How old are you and your husband?  How long have you been married?  Do you have any kids?

We are in our 50s and married a couple of years

And who are the BPD's you're dealing with? 

1) Spouse's ex diagnosed

2) Stepson not diagnosed

3) Stepson's girlfriend. probably diagnosed

What's your relation to them?

How/what does your husband think of the issues with the BPD's? 

My spouse if aware of the ex's issues.

coming to grip with the fact that the stepson actually has an issue

quite aware that the girlfriend is very obviously troubled and now pregnant which brings me here.

[Waddams]

Do have you children of your own?  I'm assuming no children together with your husband?

It's okay to set your own boundaries to keep the crazy out of your life.  It's also okay to tell your husband that while you want to be supportive of him, you also have a need to be protected from the craziness.

Are you seeing a counselor?  Perhaps a marriage counselor?  These are definitely difficult issues to tackle, and you definitely need to work with your husband together as a team to get through it all.  A professional experienced with blended families, high conflict divorces, etc. would be a wonderful asset for you to add to your tool box. A professional will help to keep you both on the same page.

How much reading/education do you have about BPD?  We've got tons of articles and informative literature on this site.  It might be helpful for you to read through it.  Same for your husband.  It helped me a lot just to understand that BPD's aren't necessarily just evil people, but instead are acting from a place of extreme inner pain, and they always feel that pain.  Once I understood that, I was able to adjust my own behaviors and still set my boundaries in a way that made it much easier to deal with.

As your husband was married to a dx'd BPD, has he been through any counseling on his own to help him heal and/or grow from the experience?  Have you after your BPD relationship?  No judgement from me regardless of the answer, btw.  I'm just trying to not assume anything.  I'd rather ask questions and go one piece at a time through all this.  I can help point you in the right direction on our site more effectively that way. 

I'm going go ahead to refer you to these resources here on this site as well:

Supporting a son or daughter suffering from BPD board regarding your stepson.

and also:

Staff Article - Before You Can Make Things Better, You have To Stop Making Things Worse  this is for divorced parents, and while you're technically not one of them in this case, being married to one of them makes you very close.  I'm thinking it might help you in working w/ your husband dealing with his ex-?  There's more we have here that might be helpful, but I think this is a good place for you to start.

[hoping4hope]

Dear Waddams,

Mostly for me, it is keeping the crazy out of my life as much as possible ... . just as you said. Thanks!

No children with my spouse and none expected.

(We may have to step up and raise the grandchild down the road.)

I did get counseling and know that BPD is too much for me.

It is an illness, they are in pain, but I don't have the strength to help them.

Remarkably neither my spouse nor the children have had counseling.

They did have lots of support from the family and church community.

Their divorce was brutal and a loonnnng time ago.

No direct contact between my spouse and the BPD-ex, but the ex has been trying to break up the marriage through the kids.

My spouse and I are quite good at the moment and know we need to stick together.

We had a good conversation last night.  BPD disrupted over 20 years of my spouse's life and it is not going to take the rest of it.

One good step... . I have stopped hanging around when the stepson announces that he is coming over to drop another emotional tirade upon us.  He never comes just for a cup of coffee trust me... .   I felt like I had taken back some control.

I will read what you have suggested and work towards counseling... .

Don't feel so alone. Thank you.

[Cordelia]

Didn't want this back in my life and now I'll be dealing with it for the rest of my life.

Yes, I should have paid more attention.  

I empathize a lot with this.  I don't think any of us on this board (in unchosen relationships) ever wanted to deal with this level of crazy, but when it's in our family, it's not altogether avoidable.  I hate to see you blame yourself though - it sounds like you have a great rapport with your husband, and maybe you even understand each other better because you've both been through relationships with BPD folks, so that's a really great thing.  Having a strong relationship with with a life partner, where you really understand each other, not only where you are now but where you've been in the past, is such a huge positive I don't know if rejecting it because they have a BPD ex still in their life to some extent would be the right choice (could be, of course.  every situation is different). 

The most important things is as Waddams says, you can set boundaries with these people.  You don't have to "step up" and raise the grandkids, you don't have to talk to or see these people.  These are voluntary adult relationships, and you have choices.  You can be a positive force in the children's lives while protecting your sanity through carefully controlling the situations in which you will see the BPD family members, or you can decide it's just not going to work for you to see them at all, and move on with your life.  Of course it will take working these decisions out with your husband, since it seems like the BPD folks are mostly on his side of things, and he has to be on board with whatever you decide as a couple.  Though your decisions don't have to be the same either - you can decide that if he wants to maintain a relationship with his son and his family, he will have to do it on his own time, going to his son's place or seeing them in public places, but you will not attend, nor will you have them in your home.  Lots of solutions are possible. 

I definitely concur that talking all this through with a therapist who's experienced in BPD may be the best way to explore some of these options so you are clear on how you feel and what you want before starting what might be a difficult conversation with your husband about limiting your contact with his family.  Maybe the therapist will also help you separate out what is and isn't your fault, so you don't accept blame that isn't really yours to take, so you can feel a bit more empowered and positive about the situation.  Going from a BPD partner to a healthy partner with some BPD relations is a HUGE improvement.  It's so much easier to set firm and clear boundaries with people who are a little more distant.  And it's so great that you now have the support of a good strong relationship.  Enjoy the happy times you have together, even as you work out a way to negotiate these challenges!

[mil-bpd/npd]

Hello,

I feel for your situation. I also married a non BPD but with a BPD NPD mother and brother. They have made the last 24 years hell for us. We finally are very lc. I'm needing nc but dh cant go that route yet.  We got to therapy and to the diagnosis because I'd had enough. It was her/them or me. So far its going ok but he has such severe fog that he's just learning about and he can't handle it! This is a very well functioning strong man, except for this... .

May we both survive this with our health and happiness somehow.

[hoping4hope]

Didn't want this back in my life and now I'll be dealing with it for the rest of my life.

Yes, I should have paid more attention.  

[/quote

I definitely concur that talking all this through with a therapist who's experienced in BPD may be the best way to explore some of these options so you are clear on how you feel and what you want before starting what might be a difficult conversation with your husband about limiting your contact with his family.  Maybe the therapist will also help you separate out what is and isn't your fault, so you don't accept blame that isn't really yours to take, so you can feel a bit more empowered and positive about the situation.  Going from a BPD partner to a healthy partner with some BPD relations is a HUGE improvement.  It's so much easier to set firm and clear boundaries with people who are a little more distant.  And it's so great that you now have the support of a good strong relationship.  Enjoy the happy times you have together, even as you work out a way to negotiate these challenges!

Cordelia is your ID named after the good daughter in King Lear? Cause there was one dysfunctional family!

I did walk out when I knew the uBPDss23 suddenly announced that he was coming over, because I knew it was going t be a doozy and I felt trapped.  My first step is getting my husband to change the locks so the uBPDss23 can't get in the house when we are not here.  I don't trust him.  This will be a hard conversation.  I also want more warning about arrivals and to be asked if it is okay for him to come over.

He no longer lives here and should act like any guest in my opinion.

So on a tactics basis.  We spend a lot of time being ignored by uppdss23,  sometime months, holidays draws him around, (just in case we might actually have one without stress).

So, I'm just wondering if I set up barriers to his coming, like changing the locks, then we'll actually see him more often.

My husband has never been in counseling, so getting that is going to take some work.

I have gotten counseling before, but not in counseling now and feel kinda resentful that I'd have to get some because of someone else's problem.

My main goal right now is holding together an emotionally safe home for my nonss18, my husband and myself.  These are both calm nice men who need a little peace.  Being new in the family makes it difficult for me to get initiatives like counseling going.  I've been waiting for opportunities to adjust things as my husband and his family begin to see the truth they have been ignoring.  And things are better than when I first arrived. 

But as much as I resist counseling is the next goal, right after getting the locks changed... .

[hoping4hope]

Hello,

It was her/them or me. So far its going ok but he has such severe fog that he's just learning about and he can't handle it! This is a very well functioning strong man, except for this... .

May we both survive this with our health and happiness somehow.

Oh my gosh yes!  Getting the husband and his family out of the fog, especially when you are the target of the wrath.

You know how they used to say it was all about "finding yourself"  but with BPDs it is about remembering who you really are.  I try hard to be good and kind and honest.  I'm not perfect but I am also NOT the evil step-mother.

My husband's innate honesty, his willingness to see the truth has been fundamental in keeping us together.

I do believe this effects your health and will not have these yahoos shorten our life spans.

Keep the faith.