Sister Just Shut Me Out

[Grieving_Sister]

My story is too long and too fresh. My sister communicated to me today that I no longer exist and refuses to listen to my husband or I about the issue at hand.

Dear sister, now mentioned as DS, is an alcoholic, bolemic, self-inflicted-cutter, physically and verbally abusive to her husband (and our dad in younger years). To the world via fb and instagram she paints a picture of victim and valiant survivor/hero. Yet refuses to see the damage done to her children, husband, parents and others. It does not help that her husband enables the behavior 100%.

I refuse to respond to her rages in anger, simply telling her how much I love her and refuse to give up on her. I have had to direct her to my husband during her more verbally abusive episodes. My own major depression and anxiety capitulates under her explosive duress.

I typed in more detail, the situation, only to delete entire thing. The very short of it is that she has shut me out of her life.

I want to find a BPD experienced psychotherapist to talk to. I want to share more. But now, I just feel like the person who said she loved me, just put a knife in me, while smiling about it. While being utterly convinced that her decision is completely sane, rational, logical.

I have a very hard time with all of this. I am ridden with guilt, hurt, shame and condemnation. I just want to sleep the ache away.

[allibaba]

Hello Grieving Sister and welcome to bpdfamily!

I can relate!  My husband and mother are both uBPD.

The thing is that BPDs generally think in terms of Black and White (no Grey) so if you disagree on an issue then its very easy to be painted black (you are evil, they shut you out).

Yup her husband is probably making it much worse.  It sounds like you very much want to have a relationship with her (which is good).  As you already know, it takes so much work to be around a BPD. 

Try these links:

https://bpdfamily.blogspot.ca/2010/09/video-tools-to-reduce-conflict-with.html

https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/fuzzetti.pdf



PS If I had a dollar for every time that either my husband or mom cut me out of their lives... . well... . I'd be able to at least go out for a good night on the town.   

[schwing]

Hi Grieving Sister and  

Sorry that you lost a lot of what you originally wrote.  I, too, have lost a great deal of writing because my connection had "timed out."  Sometimes I write my posts in a separate window and copy and paste when I am done to avoid this problem.

Of course I don't know your sister, but if she suffers from BPD then chances are she has only written you off, or devalued you, for the time being.  It is in the nature of people with BPD (pwBPD) to devalue, or "paint black" someone close to them as a means to project their own personal issues.

While you are out of the picture, she will find someone else to use as her emotional scapegoat, and when that person is devalued, then you will not be the "worst" anymore.  And perhaps then she will try to re-engage with her... . when it suits her.

It does not help that her husband enables the behavior 100%.

I imagine her husband enables her because if he did not, he would be scapegoated and devalued.

I want to find a BPD experienced psychotherapist to talk to. I want to share more. But now, I just feel like the person who said she loved me, just put a knife in me, while smiling about it. While being utterly convinced that her decision is completely sane, rational, logical.

This is a disorder of intimacy.  In a sense, she put a knife in you because she loved you.  Her disorder drives her to suspect and perceive the worst in those closest to them; they often hurt us because if they hurt us first, they can avoid being hurt in their own disordered minds.

She is utterly convinced that her decision is "sane, rational" and "logical" because she does not have the emotional wherewithal to even consider that she has a very serious mental disorder.

I have a very hard time with all of this. I am ridden with guilt, hurt, shame and condemnation. I just want to sleep the ache away.

I have found that when dealing with family members who have this disorder, your best allies are formality and distance.  Perhaps, though, it may be to soon to consider this for now.  Take this time to recover from your heart ache, and do get as much support for yourself as possible (including therapy) because you do deserve and need this support.

You are in the right place.

Best wishes, Schwing

[Grieving_Sister]

The complexity of the issue is that we adopted her 3-month-old when she was in high school, during another downward spiral of hers. She was fine w the adoption for a long time.

Recently my daughter visited down there, spending the nights w my parents. We said our daughter, now 7, could not stay the night at her place because of all the marital fighting, abuse and alcohol consumption. She went ballistic. Saying dear daughter, DD, already called her mom and wanted to live w her when she was older.

That snippet opened the door to us learning that she also mentioned DD's biological father as her real dad. Told her about a half sister through that guy. Showed biological dad pictures of DD presently. And used pictures of DD on fb to slander biological dad's other x-girlfriend.

We had to say, woahhhhh, now you can't see DD at all until we see a more stabilized homelife. Then we'll talk monitored visitations.

She continually lies about what happened, changes the story, and disregards our concern for the level of information DD should be exposed to for her age. Before all of this, DS was only ever mentioned to DD by DS's first name. We always explain to our daughter that DD came from DS's belly when DS was very young. God chose another mommy and daddy for DD, and has a beautiful plan for DD.

I say all this, because I fear I will be the 'scapegoat' you describe, for more than a small amount of time.

I continue to try to communicate that we want to work w her to be able to see DD. But she closes the door, and then tells the world that we won't let her see her "child". The level of maturity for a 26-yr-old astounds me. I feel as though I am trying to work with a 15-yr-old w my sister.

And, she was the one that told me she suspects she is BPD. She is going to school to be pre-med or Psychotherapist. So she says she can't get help or it will void her ability to become certified.

[Grieving_Sister]

That last bit was probably really confusing. Especially when what I meant as DS=dear sister can be read as DS=dear son. Oops.

[GeekyGirl]

Ouch. I'm so sorry, Grieving_Sister.   That does sound painful. It's very invalidating and hurtful when someone shuts you out, and I'd imagine it's hard to hear your DD's comments after visiting your sister.

Setting boundaries with your sister, especially when your DD is involved, sounds like a very good idea, and I'm glad that you've already set some around visitation. It's not easy, but it's a good way to protect yourself and your DD.

It's a good idea to meet with a therapist who has some experience with BPD.  That's an excellent thing to do for yourself to help you understand your sister's actions and how you can react to them in a healthy way. I know it's very hurtful to have someone say that you "don't exist." That's a form of the silent treatment, which can be very invalidating.

How is your DD doing now? Do you have any other family members to help support you?

[schwing]

That snippet opened the door to us learning that she also mentioned DD's biological father as her real dad. Told her about a half sister through that guy. Showed biological dad pictures of DD presently. And used pictures of DD on fb to slander biological dad's other x-girlfriend.

This behavior, of your sister basically using your DD as a means to wedge herself between her ex and his other xgf, demonstrates the limit of a pwBPD ability to empathize with the needs of a child, even if it is her biological child.

We had to say, woahhhhh, now you can't see DD at all until we see a more stabilized homelife. Then we'll talk monitored visitations.

It's unfortunate for DD that she will probably never see her biological mother demonstrate a "stabilized homelife."  Fortunately she won't need to so long as she has you as her mother.  But there will always be a kind of lingering question of why her biological mother couldn't provide her the kind of family life... . that's something she'll have to work through in her life.  Hopefully she'll be able to through your sisters attempts to manipulate her.  Though, she might have to learn the hard way.

I continue to try to communicate that we want to work w her to be able to see DD. But she closes the door, and then tells the world that we won't let her see her "child". The level of maturity for a 26-yr-old astounds me. I feel as though I am trying to work with a 15-yr-old w my sister.

15-year old maturity level is being generous.  I think your DD is fast approaching a maturity level that should match or even exceed your sister's ability.

And, she was the one that told me she suspects she is BPD. She is going to school to be pre-med or Psychotherapist. So she says she can't get help or it will void her ability to become certified.

Your sister may be a smart girl.  But her intelligence only allows her to form more elaborate rationales to avoid the hard work that is necessary to truly begin to recover from her disorder.  She might make a good doctor or psychotherapist, if she can learn to persevere when her road becomes more difficult.  That's the kind of perseverance that might make recovery from this disorder possible.  But her rationalization that she cannot get help or it will void her ability to become certified is hogwash.  A major authority on borderline personality disorder, Marsha M. Linehan, only just recently revealed that she suffers from the disorder herself.  It sounds more like an excuse to avoid considering how much work she will also have to put into recovering for her disorder.  

[Grieving_Sister]

Thank you for your i put, Shwing. I've been so busy, I've had to take a mental break from all that is my sister. *sigh*

Long story, as usual.

But you all were right. She came back. Texted an apology. Then went to Mom, saying she feels like nobody loves her. Usually, I'm quite sympathetic to dear sister. But for once, I allowed myself the ability to be angry. My reply to Mom was, "She needs to grow up. Good grief. That's what happens when you push people away."

I accepted her apology. But told her she still has to talk to my husband, who was the buffer during my sister's raging. Until DH can see that my sister appreciates our decisions as parents, she will not have direct contact with our daughter. Supervised, or other.

Here is something that baffles me. My sister has a 5-yr-old son and a 3-yr-old-son. Her older son has been in a diff state w his paternal grandma for two months--by my sister's choice. The other day I said to my sister, "he must be having a lot of fun. I bet you miss him!" Her response? "Nah, I'm enjoying the silence." Then I asked when he would be returning, and she said they had not decided, yet.

What?

You claim you miss your biological daughter, because you can't have her... . But nevermind the son younwillingly hand off for extended periods of time? I. Don't. Get. It.

[beansilly]

Hi Grieving Sister,

Your post resonated so well with me. I am going through the same thing right now. My sister shut me out too via an email that said "Thank you for making me cry. Let's not get together" (in reference to a girls weekend we were planning). The gist of the story is that I believe my sister has BPD and it is also battling what I think is an eating disorder (the pressure has to be released somehow?) She had opened the door (I thought) to discussing it when she brought up how upset she was that people were asking her if she was/is anorexic. When I asked her what her doctor said about her weight, she blasted me via email stating that "THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH MY WEIGHT". I made the mistake of responding that I wouldn't apologize for being concerned about her but that I never intended to upset her. Well, that's what did it. She has since returned the gifts that I had given her when we last met (she lives in another state with her husband). No note or anthing just a box with the stuff by mail. So, I'm not sure what to do (maybe nothing) for fear of making it worse.

I am new to the site as well. But, I feel better already knowing that I have some place to go.

Be sure to take care of yourself.