Welcome your thoughts

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

First and foremost let me say that I appreciate all of you guys so much. I haven't posted before today but I have spent many days reading through your posts and comments and I admire all the insight I have gotten from everyone! I wanted to share my story (sorry that its rather lengthy) I posted it on the new members board but I figured I get more responses here.


I honestly seek to gain a little insight into our relationship, the reasons some things transpired the way they did, and to come to turns that the girl I fell in love with was, in reality, a fantasy. 

Our relationship lasted about 8 months, it was a rollercoaster the entire time.  We met while we were on a mission trip to Thailand together with our school.  I was immediately attracted to her physically as she was so beautiful, but everything about her seemed amazing (spiritually, personality wise, great sense of humor, very fun etc.).  I knew I wanted to pursue her when we returned back to America. She was always extremely flirtatious and I was always questioning whether she liked me or if it was just her personality, as she seemed to be this way with everyone. But I began to realize she was initiating all the contact we had. She got my number from someone on the trip and began texting me on the journey home (we had to take separate flights) and already was saying how she missed me and wished I was with their group. She continued to initiate contact with me over the next two months, she was normally the one that texted and called me first and was very fun and happy all the time. 

She went on a family vacation and began calling me every night for a week straight before bed so when she came back we had a "define the relationship" talk that she initiated and kept saying how she "enjoyed our friendship so much". I took that as her not seeing us going anywhere past friendship so I told her I would prefer that we didn't talk as much just because I didn't want to get attached to her because I didn't want to just be friends.  When I said this she seemed sad and started saying "you are like my bestfriend" "I really enjoy your friendship" "Obviously if its meant to be I would be all for it, but it kind of scares me to think about."  She was 27 at the time and I was 21. Later in the conversation I told her that I had feelings for her and she said "how can you have feelings for me if you don't even know me that well?" but then later in the conversation said she felt like she was "In love with one of her little brothers friends" When I told her that we shouldn't talk anymore she seemed to get anxious and said "Okay I was afraid to tell you but I do have feelings for you". It was so confusing... . One minute she didn't know, the next she did.  Then she text me later that night and said "I'm sorry I shouldn't have told you I had feelings for you." And it went on like that for the next couple weeks.  Finally we began to hangout and we kissed and got physical (all initiated by her) and almost after everytime she would text me and say "I'm sorry I can't do this" but then the next day would text me "I'm sorry I just get scared sometimes I don't mean it, thank you for being patient with me." We weren't officially "dating" in title but we would hangout and talk everyday and she would call me her lover and that she loved me.

She would call me on every work break, before bed, and she began to tell me she loved me all the time, called me baby, sweetheart and always seemed to miss me.  2 weeks after the define the relationship conversation she began to ask about marriage, and whether I thought we could get married, when that would be, etc. She said no one ever treated her as good as I did, that I was the best friend and lover she ever had, how I was more mature than most guys her age, etc. She would talk to me about marriage, and then the next day send me a breakup text, followed by a makeup text the next day. It was a vicious cycle.

She always denied our relationship to her roommate and friends which began to make me very insecure. I thought that someone so "in love" would want the person they are in love with to be around their friends and family, or at least talk about them to their friends. But she basically made it seem like I was interested in her but she wasnt interested in me. I was the guy that couldn't take a "no" from her, in the eyes of all her friends.  When I would confront her about this she said it was because she was scared that this wasn't real, that it was just emotional, or that if it didn't work out between us her reputation would look bad.  So basically for 8 months I rode this rollercoaster of up and down, one day her wanting to get married, the next her wanting to breakup.  My insecurity over the situation caused me to try harder everytime she pulled away, and try to prove to her I was good enough for her.  With the difference in our age I felt like I needed to constantly prove I was good enough to be in a relationship with someone older, as beautiful, and seemingly well put together as her.

She went overseas on another missions trip and broke up with me right before she left, we had no contact for a week while she was there but then I started getting emails from her about how much she missed me, how she was imagining falling asleep in my arms, how much she loved me, and how wonderful our life would be together.  She started talking about what our marriage would look like, our kids and their names, how great of a husband and father I would be, what kind of wife she would be etc.  I fell in love with the beautiful picture she painted and held onto it no matter how crazy the rollercoaster got. It was my foundation, what helped me not let go when she would have one of what she would call "a freakout" where she would say she wanted to be with me and the next wanted to be single.

When she got back from her trip we decided to date but take it slow. It lasted three days, and she broke up with me again -- but wanted to continue to have the relationship without the title. It completely freaked her out to think that her friends would know about our relationship.  She also started to reveal to me that she used to have an eating disorder and would make herself throwup because "she liked how it felt".

When we would get in an arguement she would throw up and say "you can't talk to me like that you don't know what it does to me... . I threw up because I didn't know how to handle it"

We went up and down like that from october until christmas -- I continued to allow it as I held on to the moments where she seemed so in love with me and she showed me everything I ever wanted -- she started to say I was to needy, that I was pulling on her, and was suffocating her... . I cannot deny all this but I do believe in part it was because of her constant threatening to run away that made me try to hold on tighter, in hopes that I could be enough for her.

Right before Christmas she went on a date with another guy and lied to me about it, and when I found out she told me she felt bad for him and that she thought he just wanted to go to coffee but when he showed up to pick her up he made a picnic and made it a date and it wasnt her fault.  Turns out she knew all along that it was a picnic date.

We decided to work things out and then when she left to go back home at Christmas she broke up with me on the plane on the way home but said we would get back together in the future she just needed to focus right now on herself but not to worry cause she was saving her heart for me.  We went no contact for 3-4 days then she would start calling me at night before bed still saying "I love you, how are you doing not being together?" then follow it with "I miss you baby this is hard" as if it was my doing or something she couldnt control.  She texted me she was saving her heart for me but turns out that night she went on a date with a guy she just met, she said they went salsa dancing and made out that night... . and they hungout the next date too -- she stopped talking to me for 4-5 days during this time... . Then she came back here and ignored me for about a week and said how she needed space because "I had no idea what she was going through" then one night she called me and admitted to me about the guy back home -- I told her I wanted nothing to do with her and she cried and said "Baby please don't leave me" over and over... . But i felt as if she had made that choice for me when she did that with the other guy. We decided to try and work things out.  We went to coffee and she asked how i felt towards her... . I told her I was struggling with despising her at times for what she did and the first words out of her mouth were "how many kids are we going to have? 3? and we will adopt one?" she knew I desire to get married and have kids... . and wanted to adopt a child as well. 

She pulled me back in, and allowed her to because deep down I thought I saw so much good in her and I could help pull it out. I thought I saw the true sweet, gentle, and caring person in her and wanted her to see it too.  Everyone always came to her for advice, and almost looked to her to be a mentor.  She was very high function and seemed to have it ALL together, and it made it so very hard for me to understand this side of her.

Needless to say after this she told me she was going to work on building trust again... . and then I saw her with another guy a few days later... . I confronted her and flipped out on me and said I was smothering her... . She said all this after the night before telling me she was looking at engagement rings and how no one compares to me.

We went no contact for 2 months after that... . while she dated this new guy... . i tried to contact a few times that failed miserably and I stopped trying... . She would then email me every once in a while to make sure I didn't hate her and how she was sorry for misleading me to believe she wanted to marry me but she knew it wasnt right and she saw me as a friend and brother... .


After that we didnt talk for 4 months.  Then one night 4 weeks ago she calls me (after seeing a new guy) and said she misses me, loves me, starts calling me baby and sweetheart, and if I saw us having a future together... . she was grilling me about whether or not I was dating someone else, or liked someone else. I wouldn't give into her requests. She spent 4 hours on the phone with me asking me until I finally gave in and I told her I was not seeing anyone. Once I told her she was ready to get off the phone and I didnt hear from her since. 

I talked to my mentor about all this and she is also one of her mentors and she called her in and had a confrontation about all this were she basically denied saying she loved me and called me all the pet names... . she said she told me she wanted to marry because her other friends had moved away and she didnt want to lose our friendship and companionship so she told me she wanted to get married and have kids so that I would stay but she didnt mean it.  She basically invalidated the part that she had ever had feelings for me but that I was just a replacement friend for her... .

I can't believe she sat there and denied everything like that... . It was a surreal moment. Our mentor told her she had problems and needed to go to therapy as well as meet with her once a week.  Our mentor told me I needed to move on because this girl had a ton of emotional baggage and it would be a long time before she was ready for a relationship.

I guess I'm confused on whether she ever had feelings for me, or if I ever really meant as much to her as she said I did. I felt like she couldn't live without me at times, but now feel like she doesn't care or remember if I exist.

It has been rather difficult knowing how hard it has been for me to get over her when she seemingly just took everything I gave her and didn't give back in return yet it is hard for me and seemingly easier for her to just move on. Does this explain typical BPD behavior? I welcome all your thoughts

[Ahhhh431]

First and foremost let me say that I appreciate all of you guys so much. I haven't posted before today but I have spent many days reading through your posts and comments and I admire all the insight I have gotten from everyone! I wanted to share my story (sorry that its rather lengthy) I posted it on the new members board but I figured I get more responses here.


I honestly seek to gain a little insight into our relationship, the reasons some things transpired the way they did, and to come to turns that the girl I fell in love with was, in reality, a fantasy. 

Our relationship lasted about 8 months, it was a rollercoaster the entire time.  We met while we were on a mission trip to Thailand together with our school.  I was immediately attracted to her physically as she was so beautiful, but everything about her seemed amazing (spiritually, personality wise, great sense of humor, very fun etc.).  I knew I wanted to pursue her when we returned back to America. She was always extremely flirtatious and I was always questioning whether she liked me or if it was just her personality, as she seemed to be this way with everyone. But I began to realize she was initiating all the contact we had. She got my number from someone on the trip and began texting me on the journey home (we had to take separate flights) and already was saying how she missed me and wished I was with their group. She continued to initiate contact with me over the next two months, she was normally the one that texted and called me first and was very fun and happy all the time. 

She went on a family vacation and began calling me every night for a week straight before bed so when she came back we had a "define the relationship" talk that she initiated and kept saying how she "enjoyed our friendship so much". I took that as her not seeing us going anywhere past friendship so I told her I would prefer that we didn't talk as much just because I didn't want to get attached to her because I didn't want to just be friends.  When I said this she seemed sad and started saying "you are like my bestfriend" "I really enjoy your friendship" "Obviously if its meant to be I would be all for it, but it kind of scares me to think about."  She was 27 at the time and I was 21. Later in the conversation I told her that I had feelings for her and she said "how can you have feelings for me if you don't even know me that well?" but then later in the conversation said she felt like she was "In love with one of her little brothers friends" When I told her that we shouldn't talk anymore she seemed to get anxious and said "Okay I was afraid to tell you but I do have feelings for you". It was so confusing... . One minute she didn't know, the next she did.  Then she text me later that night and said "I'm sorry I shouldn't have told you I had feelings for you." And it went on like that for the next couple weeks.  Finally we began to hangout and we kissed and got physical (all initiated by her) and almost after everytime she would text me and say "I'm sorry I can't do this" but then the next day would text me "I'm sorry I just get scared sometimes I don't mean it, thank you for being patient with me." We weren't officially "dating" in title but we would hangout and talk everyday and she would call me her lover and that she loved me.

She would call me on every work break, before bed, and she began to tell me she loved me all the time, called me baby, sweetheart and always seemed to miss me.  2 weeks after the define the relationship conversation she began to ask about marriage, and whether I thought we could get married, when that would be, etc. She said no one ever treated her as good as I did, that I was the best friend and lover she ever had, how I was more mature than most guys her age, etc. She would talk to me about marriage, and then the next day send me a breakup text, followed by a makeup text the next day. It was a vicious cycle.

She always denied our relationship to her roommate and friends which began to make me very insecure. I thought that someone so "in love" would want the person they are in love with to be around their friends and family, or at least talk about them to their friends. But she basically made it seem like I was interested in her but she wasnt interested in me. I was the guy that couldn't take a "no" from her, in the eyes of all her friends.  When I would confront her about this she said it was because she was scared that this wasn't real, that it was just emotional, or that if it didn't work out between us her reputation would look bad.  So basically for 8 months I rode this rollercoaster of up and down, one day her wanting to get married, the next her wanting to breakup.  My insecurity over the situation caused me to try harder everytime she pulled away, and try to prove to her I was good enough for her.  With the difference in our age I felt like I needed to constantly prove I was good enough to be in a relationship with someone older, as beautiful, and seemingly well put together as her.

She went overseas on another missions trip and broke up with me right before she left, we had no contact for a week while she was there but then I started getting emails from her about how much she missed me, how she was imagining falling asleep in my arms, how much she loved me, and how wonderful our life would be together.  She started talking about what our marriage would look like, our kids and their names, how great of a husband and father I would be, what kind of wife she would be etc.  I fell in love with the beautiful picture she painted and held onto it no matter how crazy the rollercoaster got. It was my foundation, what helped me not let go when she would have one of what she would call "a freakout" where she would say she wanted to be with me and the next wanted to be single.

When she got back from her trip we decided to date but take it slow. It lasted three days, and she broke up with me again -- but wanted to continue to have the relationship without the title. It completely freaked her out to think that her friends would know about our relationship.  She also started to reveal to me that she used to have an eating disorder and would make herself throwup because "she liked how it felt".

When we would get in an arguement she would throw up and say "you can't talk to me like that you don't know what it does to me... . I threw up because I didn't know how to handle it"

We went up and down like that from october until christmas -- I continued to allow it as I held on to the moments where she seemed so in love with me and she showed me everything I ever wanted -- she started to say I was to needy, that I was pulling on her, and was suffocating her... . I cannot deny all this but I do believe in part it was because of her constant threatening to run away that made me try to hold on tighter, in hopes that I could be enough for her.

Right before Christmas she went on a date with another guy and lied to me about it, and when I found out she told me she felt bad for him and that she thought he just wanted to go to coffee but when he showed up to pick her up he made a picnic and made it a date and it wasnt her fault.  Turns out she knew all along that it was a picnic date.

We decided to work things out and then when she left to go back home at Christmas she broke up with me on the plane on the way home but said we would get back together in the future she just needed to focus right now on herself but not to worry cause she was saving her heart for me.  We went no contact for 3-4 days then she would start calling me at night before bed still saying "I love you, how are you doing not being together?" then follow it with "I miss you baby this is hard" as if it was my doing or something she couldnt control.  She texted me she was saving her heart for me but turns out that night she went on a date with a guy she just met, she said they went salsa dancing and made out that night... . and they hungout the next date too -- she stopped talking to me for 4-5 days during this time... . Then she came back here and ignored me for about a week and said how she needed space because "I had no idea what she was going through" then one night she called me and admitted to me about the guy back home -- I told her I wanted nothing to do with her and she cried and said "Baby please don't leave me" over and over... . But i felt as if she had made that choice for me when she did that with the other guy. We decided to try and work things out.  We went to coffee and she asked how i felt towards her... . I told her I was struggling with despising her at times for what she did and the first words out of her mouth were "how many kids are we going to have? 3? and we will adopt one?" she knew I desire to get married and have kids... . and wanted to adopt a child as well. 

She pulled me back in, and allowed her to because deep down I thought I saw so much good in her and I could help pull it out. I thought I saw the true sweet, gentle, and caring person in her and wanted her to see it too.  Everyone always came to her for advice, and almost looked to her to be a mentor.  She was very high function and seemed to have it ALL together, and it made it so very hard for me to understand this side of her.

Needless to say after this she told me she was going to work on building trust again... . and then I saw her with another guy a few days later... . I confronted her and flipped out on me and said I was smothering her... . She said all this after the night before telling me she was looking at engagement rings and how no one compares to me.

We went no contact for 2 months after that... . while she dated this new guy... . i tried to contact a few times that failed miserably and I stopped trying... . She would then email me every once in a while to make sure I didn't hate her and how she was sorry for misleading me to believe she wanted to marry me but she knew it wasnt right and she saw me as a friend and brother... .


After that we didnt talk for 4 months.  Then one night 4 weeks ago she calls me (after seeing a new guy) and said she misses me, loves me, starts calling me baby and sweetheart, and if I saw us having a future together... . she was grilling me about whether or not I was dating someone else, or liked someone else. I wouldn't give into her requests. She spent 4 hours on the phone with me asking me until I finally gave in and I told her I was not seeing anyone. Once I told her she was ready to get off the phone and I didnt hear from her since. 

I talked to my mentor about all this and she is also one of her mentors and she called her in and had a confrontation about all this were she basically denied saying she loved me and called me all the pet names... . she said she told me she wanted to marry because her other friends had moved away and she didnt want to lose our friendship and companionship so she told me she wanted to get married and have kids so that I would stay but she didnt mean it.  She basically invalidated the part that she had ever had feelings for me but that I was just a replacement friend for her... .

I can't believe she sat there and denied everything like that... . It was a surreal moment. Our mentor told her she had problems and needed to go to therapy as well as meet with her once a week.  Our mentor told me I needed to move on because this girl had a ton of emotional baggage and it would be a long time before she was ready for a relationship.

I guess I'm confused on whether she ever had feelings for me, or if I ever really meant as much to her as she said I did. I felt like she couldn't live without me at times, but now feel like she doesn't care or remember if I exist.

It has been rather difficult knowing how hard it has been for me to get over her when she seemingly just took everything I gave her and didn't give back in return yet it is hard for me and seemingly easier for her to just move on. Does this explain typical BPD behavior? I welcome all your thoughts

[GreenMango]

You had me at the age difference and the fact she was acting in pretty immature & awful ways. 

I'm glad you have that mentor.  If it isn't BPD its something destructive.  I know there's the part where she denied everything, there's the part where your mentor validated how bad this was and put it out there.  I think in time you'll be grateful for that input.   

None of us can tell you BPD, thats for a pro to do.  We mostly say look at behavior - its really telling.

Hang in there.

[Ahhhh431]

You had me at the age difference and the fact she was acting in pretty immature & awful ways. 

Is it common for a pwBPD to date someone with an age difference like that? The guy she started seeing after me was 21 also... .

[Ahhhh431]

When we spent time together it seemed like she was head over heels in love with me. Like she couldn't get enough of me being around her and that she truly enjoyed every second -- she seemed so happy and was always wanting to kiss and tell me how much I meant to her.

However it seemed like a constant struggle to get her to spend time with me -- she always was "busy" (which I suspect more times than not was because someone would find out)

I don't understand why someone would be so reluctant to spend time with you, but once they do they act like they don't ever want to be apart from you. Is there any explanation for this?

[myself]

I don't understand why someone would be so reluctant to spend time with you, but once they do they act like they don't ever want to be apart from you. Is there any explanation for this?

One of the most important pieces of the puzzle here is a deep problem with intimacy. Trusting themselves and others is difficult if not impossible. The closer a pwBPD is with someone else, the more their fears are triggered and the worse they react. They distance themselves from this to help ease their pain, but then find themselves hurting from a lack of closeness. A push and pull cycle occurs as they go from being very close to very far. There are many ways a pwBPD will cover up their true feelings so we may never know the full extent of what's going on in there. As GreenMango says, it's the behavior that shows the most. In between the extremes is where the heart of the matter really is. Be true to yourself, believe in yourself, and no matter which way this goes you'll be better off.

[Ahhhh431]

I don't understand why someone would be so reluctant to spend time with you, but once they do they act like they don't ever want to be apart from you. Is there any explanation for this?

One of the most important pieces of the puzzle here is a deep problem with intimacy. Trusting themselves and others is difficult if not impossible. The closer a pwBPD is with someone else, the more their fears are triggered and the worse they react. They distance themselves from this to help ease their pain, but then find themselves hurting from a lack of closeness. A push and pull cycle occurs as they go from being very close to very far. There are many ways a pwBPD will cover up their true feelings so we may never know the full extent of what's going on in there. As GreenMango says, it's the behavior that shows the most. In between the extremes is where the heart of the matter really is. Be true to yourself, believe in yourself, and no matter which way this goes you'll be better off.

So when they since themselves getting close to someone they become afraid? Is that because at their core they don't believe you would want them for who they are so they must keep their distance? It is just hard for me to grasp why when they see someone accepting them for who they are, flaws and all this makes them push away. I was always willing to accept her with open arms but it never seemed enough to help her get over that fear

[Ahhhh431]

Could someone explain a little bit about the fear of intimacy? It seems like anytime we got close or physically intimate my ex would start pulling away from it and then came running back after breaking it off

[Suzn]

So when they since themselves getting close to someone they become afraid?

Yes. They are afraid you will abandon them after they allow themselves to get close. BPD is, at it's core, a fear of abandonment. We all have some fear of abandonment however pwBPD use unhealthy, emotionally immature coping skills and they can be towards the extreme. We can exhibit unhealthy coping skills as well. Having few or no boundaries to protect ourselves from being devastated emotionally is one example, we keep going back hoping our love will be returned. We struggle to wrap our heads around why this person can't simply return that love and all will be well. Expectations, ahhh431, we expect a person with a disorder to behave in a non disordered way.

We can tell someone till we are blue in the face they have issues with abandonment and use unhealthy coping skills however until they see it themselves and accept it, and want to reach out for help there is little chance for change. We certainly can't change them or do any personal growth for them. We can only do that for ourselves.

[Ittookthislong]

sounds like commitmentphobia or something.

course she had feelings for you. i dont think people act like that to intentionally mess with someone no matter what others say.

i will say from experience i dated someone with the same age difference and was a little like this in the beggining. I wanted to do the contacting because i didnt want him to be passive in assuming i wasnt interested because of age, but i also worried about being villified(and eventually was) for dating younger. People come up with all sorts of scenarios about older women trying to control younger people, or taking advantage and i didnt like that. Plus i wanted to make sure that i wasnt doing those things or that i wouldnt hurt him somehow... .

It got to a point where we had so much fun and i felt so happy with being with him, it became so much more important what he saw and felt than what others did and i lost all of those doubts i had in the beggining.

that being said i didnt lie or hang with other people, i was only dating him but being cautious. hope this helps. i think if someone is not messed up its ok to be cautious but it has to end at some point. if they arent playing games they will ease into their insecurities. if she cant do that its her problem not yours i would think

[Ahhhh431]

sounds like commitmentphobia or something.

course she had feelings for you. i dont think people act like that to intentionally mess with someone no matter what others say.

i will say from experience i dated someone with the same age difference and was a little like this in the beggining. I wanted to do the contacting because i didnt want him to be passive in assuming i wasnt interested because of age, but i also worried about being villified(and eventually was) for dating younger. People come up with all sorts of scenarios about older women trying to control younger people, or taking advantage and i didnt like that. Plus i wanted to make sure that i wasnt doing those things or that i wouldnt hurt him somehow... .

It got to a point where we had so much fun and i felt so happy with being with him, it became so much more important what he saw and felt than what others did and i lost all of those doubts i had in the beggining.

that being said i didnt lie or hang with other people, i was only dating him but being cautious. hope this helps. i think if someone is not messed up its ok to be cautious but it has to end at some point. if they arent playing games they will ease into their insecurities. if she cant do that its her problem not yours i would think

Yea the age difference made me be a little more patient because I know naturally she probably dealt with what others thought and even questioning what she thought... . She would say things teasing me about my age for the first couple months but then stopped... . It seemed like a big deal at first but then it kind of faded away -- at least in her talking to me about it. It was nice to hear that eventually it didn't matter what others thought to you -- that's what I was hoping to get to with her

[Ittookthislong]

seems like usually when people let people go for reasons like that, age or looks or anything that doesnt actually matter when you get down to it they get an aha moment and realize it was a mistake. i dont know about BPDs though thats a whole other rule book

[bewildered2]

so she kept the relationship secret from her friends and family... . why do you think that was?

i suspect that she had another person that she was stringing along, and this person was known to her friends and family.   

someone with BPD is terrified of being abandoned. especially by someone they love. so, typically, they break up once they develop feelings for someone. they leave you before you leave them. but they are also seeking intimacy. so they immediate;y run into the arms of someone new, the second they are alone. and then they dump that person once things get intimate and they have reason to believe that that person will leave them too.

and it goes on and on.

if she has BPD, and she certainly acts like she does, then she is incapable of sustaining an intimate relationship with anybody for very long. the new guy will be replaced by another new guy, and then he will be replaced too.

your best bet is to realize and accept that she probably has a severe mental illness, which will result in extrem unhappiness for you, and to do the samrt thing which is to get away and stay away. we call it going "no contact".

it is hard, but after a while it gets easier.

hang in there, we are here to help you.

b2

[Pretty Woman]

Ahhhh,

   I'm going to share with you something my therapist told me yesterday. Stop replaying everything.

She told me I was being very OCD:) You replay because you want to make sense of the senseless (does that make sense?). You will never get the closure you are looking for so you start to look for the answers yourself.

This wasn't a problem with YOU it was a problem with them.

I don't know if you buy into the whole LOA concept but Like attracts Like.  When you met your ex you were attracted by similarities, good and bad. If you sit and make a list of your insecurities and your ex partners as well as the positive things you will definitely see a pattern.

The thing is this... . You can change. Your partner is ill and cannot. As soon as you change those things (not feeling worthy of love or being insecure, whatever the negatives are) you WILL attract the right people.  Look at your closest friends. Those people have like attributes.

Again, stop trying to figure it out. Greive. Get sad, cry whatever you need to do and then work on you.

It will get better.

I am finally coming out of the fog now.  My last breakup was May 31st and she ran back to an ex from 10yrs ago.  Now things make sense, the locked cell phone, and her telling me the ex tried to kiss her on her last visit (I believe they did kiss).

Guilt.

They do have guilt but need attention and lots of it. If you were remotely independent this is not a relationship for them. It's like being with a 3yo.

You deserve better, Ahhh. As my therapist says, someday you will be thankful this happened because it will help you change the negatives in your life and make you a stronger, better person.

I have faith in you

[asher2]

Ahhhh... . your story sounds a lot like mine. My relationship was even shorter, just 3 months. But it was the most intense relationship I've ever been in - hands down. I feel lucky I got out at 3 months and I'd like to think the reason she pulled the plug after 3 months was because she did in fact have very strong feelings for me and was scared I'd leave her (we had some conflicts come up and I think she got very scared I'd leave her).

In any event, my ex was the same as yours. It was up and down every day with her. In fact, I looking back I noticed that the "best" days we had together were almost immediately followed with our "worst" days. The rollercoaster, as you described it, is exhausting. I remember distinctly having a "heart to heart" with her early in our relationship where I told her that I needed things calm from her end. I was afraid going into the conversation that she'd get upset but she didn't. She knew exactly what I was talking about. As others have said, this is a pattern with them. I was just willing participant #178.

You also mentioned that she kept you a secret. Although mine never fully kept me a secret and her close family and friends knew we were together, it was always those on the fringe of her life that she wasn't all that willing to tell people about us. I remember one time going to her place of work after we had solidly been a couple and she introduced me as her "friend." I still laugh at my response I gave to her co-workers when she said that... . "Yeah, we sleep together every night and she basically lives at my place, but we are just friends." I also remember her taking a nice picture of the two of us when we were out one night and I said "Facebook it!" She said, I really don't post anything about me on Facebook I just use it to keep up on others. That statement today makes a LOT of sense.

Unlike you, I haven't heard from my ex since we broke up in November. Other than some covert ways I think she may be keeping tabs on me, I haven't heard from her. But I did get one text from her about a week after we broke up that referred to an inside joke we had between us. She sent this as if we best buds and nothing happened between us. This is similar to her calling you after four months and calling you nicknames. A CLASSIC example of not understanding boundaries.

I share my story and examples with you to let you know that you are not alone. Your story is similar and really, the same story as so many others on here. The best advice I can give you is stay away from her as best you can.  In hearing your story, it sounds like she may have it in her head that she can get you back whenever she wants.  Don't feed her anything. Keep working with your mentor try your best to live your life without her and her drama. It does get better, I promise.

[danley]

When you reach the point where you feel strong enough to let life happen for you without anger or sadness or bitterness, you will find peace. I think that's what all of us are striving for. If somehow you can remove yourself and feelings included from your ex you will begin to feel a sense of freedom. It won't be easy and there will be tests. But it's possible to coexist without your ex dragging you down from living the life you want or at least to heal.