Always and never statements

[darkstar]

Hi all,

today I was reading my old posts, and I realized how often I used these two words in my old posts, specially in the first ones and I am shocked.

English is not my first language so I began to think about. In my native language German I cant remember anymore that I used this words the last years to anyone. But I remember with my ex I used them too and she did also. We were talking to each other only in English, her native language is french.

Maybe I over analyze this but wow, I just imagine how this must be an impact on a BPD and maybe it was one of the main triggers in our relationship... .

I did simply invalidating her feelings with this no? I am usually not very emotional and very gray in my thinking, but with English it was like someone else is talking not the real me sometimes.

Can anyone with a first language other then English relate to this maybe?

take care,

dark

[goldylamont]

hi darkstar, i only speak english, however i can relate to the "always" and "never" statements you speak about. with my uBPDxgf this would come up when we were arguing too--sometimes either i or she would say "you always do... . " or "you never... . " and this was a point of contention. i began to watch the way i was speaking and try to not put things in terms of always/never, and i feel she tried too.

but, ultimately there was no fix to the communication problems we were having. she has a mental illness, doesn't see facts as they are; so regardless of whether i were to phrase things properly or not, in a calm loving demeanor or not, i was often blamed/criticized/abused. it's good to take note of the language when talking to a loved one--and apply them to your next healthy relationship. you could fix the words you said to your ex but not sure this would have fixed any of your issues much

[VeryFree]

English isn't my mothers tongue either.

I know what you mean, but I don't think it has to do with the language you are speaking. It all has to do with communication-skills.

Me and my x also used 'always' and 'never' way too much. It's one of the first things you learn when you are trying to improve communication with your SO: don't point and don't use these words.