Finally let her see me Here we go again

[jalbright]

It's been close to a month since I broke up with my gfwBPD and she moved out. I finally gave in to let her see me and get some things off her chest as she wanted. I figured Id give her this and this can finally close the chapter. Of course she was a bit emotional and expressed her love for me and how desperately she wants to give this another try.  Shes been working very hard in therapy and says how things have just clicked for her. How she realizes she cant continue to not trust me, respect my independence, create her own happiness.  She said she doesn't want to move back in or date again but simply and slowly wants us to work towards one day giving this a shot. Of course it was heart wrenching hearing the pain in her voice and seeing how desperately she no longer wants to be the person she was. She wasn't angry but still had a bit of the "if you love me you wouldn't do this to me" and "I'm so crushed I cant breathe or function" etc... .

I told her I cant worry about anything related to us "working" on things and that all I care about right now is my own well being and happiness. Its just so, SO, SO hard to see someone who deeply loves you more than imaginable but you still are trying to remove them from your life. Its like how can that be right, how can that be the right decision? How can you push away someone who would walk to the end of earth for u!I'm going to regret this... . those are thoughts I battle with. While she was talking I literally had to speak in my own head "stay strong, stay strong" "you did this for a reason" "think how it would be if you got back, once comfortable again, how different would things actually be?"

I've been doing very well in the past week or so up until today of course, and her emotions cripple me bc I hate to be the cause of her hurt. I'm proud and happy for her that shes making serious efforts to improve but I feel even if she does I need to move on like I have been and she can show her improved self to a new man in her life. I have too much uncertainty that I would be doing us both a major unjust to get involved again.  My head is no longer in the right place in regard to us and very likely never may be. One day at a time... . it just hard getting over someone who keeps your so deep in their heart, it truly is  

[Validation78]

Hey Jalbright!

We get caught up in this thinking because we are kind and compassionate people! We are also caught up in what we refer to here as FOG, Fear, Obligation, and Guilt! The sooner we get out of the FOG, the more clear the reality of our lives with pwBPD becomes. This is why many of have had to go NC. As long as we maintain contact, there's that chance that we will remain in the FOG.

You already know this! Good job for the self talk, and reminding yourself why you cannot stay in this relationship. You know, despite what you talked about, what is best for your well being and happiness. I know, it's not easy to leave them sad and emotional. It's horrible to think you are doing what they fear most. It's not an act of revenge or anger towards them friend. It's an act of love for yourself that has gotten you here. Stay strong, and do what's best for you!

Best Wishes,

Val78

[jalbright]

I really would have liked to just go NC but it just would not have worked out honestly.  I think Ive done a decent job to set boundaries and let her know this is what I want, but man the pain I feel from seeing the heartbreak shes going through is terrible.  Gottta get out of the FOG!