Recycling

[theirdad]

8 months since separation and in final steps of divorce from stbxBPDw.  6 years of on again, off again r/s.  In the beginning I thought she was disordered and ended it.  we got together... . and she "accidentally" got pregnant.  We now have two kids, 2 & 4. I won't go into what the relationship was like here - it was the typical story posted elsewhere here and in books on the topic. Now with the court stuff settled she has resurfaced. texts, conversations about the loss of our "family" "missing you" etc. Don't get me wrong, if this woman said anything to the effect of "... . I know what I've done, I have a problem, I want to change and I'm working hard to... . "  I would get back together with her with reasonable expectations of what the relationship could be.  However, in our recent communications the only thing I have gotten from her is the failure of our relationship was All My Fault.  The same broken record I'd listened to, largely tuned-out, for years. She is the exact same disordered person I've always known.  As I was writing this she texted something about us.  I know what all this is.  Her just throwing out some bait to see if I'm available.  Still it is hard.  Grieving the loss of a fantasy.  We have kids so NC isn't an option.  Despite my best thinking I get emotionally sucked in.  Thanks in advance for any feedback.

[Validation78]

Hi theirdad!

You have a real challenge to face, and it won't be easy. NC is hard too, however easier than the LC that many have to keep because of kids, like you. You have a lot to face, getting a divorce, grieving the loss of a marriage, anger etc. It's all possible with good communication skills and boundaries.

I would recommend that you take a look at The Tools that you will find on the right of the screen on the staying board. You will find many helpful ways to communicate with pwBPD, and although it won't cure her, it will give you some very useful ways to deal with her in a way that may lead to a healthier way of being in each others lives. The best part of it is that you don't need her to cooperate. The tools are all about you, and the control you have over how you behave.

Consider being very strict and regimented on the subject matter you discuss with her. This will be hard since you are still in a vulnerable emotional place too. If you can keep your conversations all about the kids, and business matters, you will save yourself from a lot of grief. If you need to talk about your emotions, do it here, find a friend, and/or go to a therapist! She will never get anything about your feelings, and discussing them, and the relationship will only keep you stuck!

Best Wishes,

Val78

[theirdad]

Thanks Val.  I appreciate everyone here.  I cannot speak to friends or family about my mixed feelings about her.  They know the whole back-story, and the idea of my Ex and I getting back together would appear absolutely insane to them. Still, when she says something that sounds like she wants to reconcile I respond with the same.  All the while I unreasonably hope she has changed.  For 6 or 7 months all my contact was limited to the kids and courts.  Now, with my emotions stirred I have not limited my interactions with her to just the kids etc.  I've told her I miss her, etc. It's hard.  Thanks again. 

[Murbay]

Theirdad, I know all too well what you are going through and how difficult it is emotionally for you when there are children involved. They didn't ask for this and everything is being projected back at you. It's a very tough position to be in because we can't just walk away but on the other side, the only way through to the children is to take the emotional battering.

Is it her you miss or is it the also the family aspect of things? The reason for me asking is because I've had those same feelings now and again, I look at the insane world we lived in and would go back in a heartbeat. I think for me, it's because I miss the closeness with the children and that's what kept me in the relationship as long as it did, that feeling of wanting to protect the children. I do miss the good times but I also try and stay focused on the fact they were few and far between and the majority of abuse that came along with it to keep me grounded.

The concern I have for you is the recent communications you received and that the failure was all your fault. It wasn't but it seems like she still holds that resentment. If you went back, my worry is that the first sign of trouble it would be used against you to get even and put you in a worse position. You need to protect you right now and it is perfectly ok to still miss her and have those feelings for her. From your initial post, it looks like you have a firm boundary there in which to protect yourself emotionally. The fact you want her to say she accepts her responsibility and is looking to change, you should look at that as a step forward. Maybe even have that as your starting point but also be realistic that those words may never come. As long as she feels you are dancing to her tune, she will always see you as being responsible and therefore a small chance of ever making that effort to sort herself out.

I really hope things work for you the way you want them to and for now, just keep the focus on getting yourself to a healthy place. The healthier you are, there will come a time when your children need you and you need to be healthy for them as well as for yourself.

[theirdad]

Is it her you miss or is it the also the family aspect of things?

Thanks Murbay.  I miss the family aspect of things most.  Our 4y is vocal about missing our 'family' with everyone living together.  Being a single parent now I'm painfully aware of the loss and sad about it.  I miss her too but I know our good times were few and far between and that the rage, abuse, blaming/shaming was more the norm.   As much as I may want to believe her contact with me is genuine and that she might want to reconcile, I think she's just "plugging in" to see if I'm still available. Cutting and pasting from another post;

•   what she is doing to you is called a "recycle".

•   she wants to know if you are still on the line.

•   and she wants you to chase her.

•   all designed to make her feel good and in demand.

•   the likely explanation is that she isnt getting the attention she wants from other sources, so she's trying you.

•   if you ignore her then she'll try harder.

•   but she knows you, and when you answer her, she knows you are still available to her, so she doesnt want you.

•   borderlines love people when they are unavailable. but once they have you, they dont want you anymore.

•   it's called mental illness for a reason.

I believe the above bullet points to be the truth and it is what I would tell a friend if they were in my position.  Still, the whole thing is chewing me up.