I just found our breakup letter

[mango_flower]

Interesting.

I was looking some documentation in my box file and came across the letter she wrote me dumping me (she ended up telling me in person but showed me the letter which I guess I filed away).

It says things along the line of:

She wants me to be ok but doesn't know how to make it ok, cos she is not.

It isn't anything I've done, it's her, she just needs to be on her own.

She can't be in a relationship at the moment.

She had time to think whilst she was away with work and this is what she came up with.

She hopes I can forgive her.

Now, bear in mind, a few weeks after she broke up with me, she was spending all her time on the phone and email to her new "friend" who she'd worked with for the past few months.  Then she moved up to the town this girl lives in, about 4 weeks later.  They got in a relationship straight away.  They were engaged 3 months after that.

Contact I have had with her since has blamed me, saying I broke her heart by wanting to postpone the wedding, she can never forgive me, she hated me so much at that point, etc etc.

So... . which one is the truth?  I know their "truth" changes, but these conflicting messages seem so at odds with each other... .

My head is spinning once more.

I think this is why I can't seem to let it go, because it makes no sense. I find that so hard to accept. 

I'm trying.  I really am.

[bewildered2]

of course it makes no sense. if she has BPD then she is crazy and so you should expect distorted thinking from her.

crazy is as crazy does.

it doesn't make any sense to a normal person, although it makes sense to her when she said it (but she probably thought something very different an hour/day/week later).

the new "love interest" will get the same treatment. it is just a matter of time.

as hard as it is to believe right now, you are very lucky that you have dodged a bullet.

if she has BPD then she is bad, bad, bad news.

b2

 

[truestory]

First, when my ex broke up with me (over email) he wrote almost exactly the same statements you found in your letter from your ex, including the "I can't be with anyone right now" and "This isn't about you, I need to work on myself" and "I hope you can forgive me." And a week later he was with someone new. I think this pattern is well-known to people here.

When you say, "I know their "truth" changes, but these conflicting messages seem so at odds with each other" I can't help but point out that this is a hallmark of BPD. People with BPD cannot tolerate holding two seemingly opposite ideas at the same time; your ex cannot love you and not be with you at the same time. It's a dialectic and it feels impossible for a person with BPD to manage. So, to make it simple, a BPD has to make one sentiment true and one of them false: either you ex has to love you and be with you, or hate you and not be with you. The logic behind it is very immature, fractured, broken, flawed.

A well-integrated adult with a stable sense of self could experience the pain of lost love without having to cloak it in hatred in order for it to be digestable. She could love you and wish you well WHILE saying goodbye. It could be both heart-breakingly sad and healthy and freeing. A person with BPD truly does not have the skills to handle these complex thoughts and emotions.

As hard as it is, perhaps you take comfort in the confusion of all of this; the confusion you hold indicates that this kind of functioning is foreign to you.  I know I've been confused by my ex too and found some consolation in the What the heck-ness of it all. The reality is that it doesn't make sense because it's not sensible.

As for the acceptance part, some of that comes in time and some of it comes through skills and practice and diligence. Hang in there.

[Suzn]

Now, bear in mind, a few weeks after she broke up with me, she was spending all her time on the phone and email to her new "friend" who she'd worked with for the past few months.  Then she moved up to the town this girl lives in, about 4 weeks later.  They got in a relationship straight away.  They were engaged 3 months after that.

Actions speak louder than words mango. When you see the actions you see truth. I'm sorry, I know this hurts and it's hard.    A lot of people break up and engage in new r/s soon after, not just pwBPD. She doesn't want to take responsibility for the deep hurt you are feeling when she blames you for her decision to leave the r/s. Emotionally immature people rarely own their decisions when it hurts someone, instead they look for someone to blame when cornered with the aftermath of their decisions.

[mango_flower]

First, when my ex broke up with me (over email) he wrote almost exactly the same statements you found in your letter from your ex, including the "I can't be with anyone right now" and "This isn't about you, I need to work on myself" and "I hope you can forgive me." And a week later he was with someone new. I think this pattern is well-known to people here.

As hard as it is, perhaps you take comfort in the confusion of all of this; the confusion you hold indicates that this kind of functioning is foreign to you.  I know I've been confused by my ex too and found some consolation in the What the heck-ness of it all. The reality is that it doesn't make sense because it's not sensible.

Thank you Truestory!  It's reassuring to know it's quite common - makes me feel more certain that there ARE some disordered traits there.  And yes, the confusion IS comforting, because if other people can see her thoughts and behaviours aren't normal, it takes away some of the guilt and blame I feel (I didn't fight for her, I didn't do enough, I let her down when she needed me etc).

as hard as it is to believe right now, you are very lucky that you have dodged a bullet.

Thank you Bewildered2    I know this is true, I just need to keep repeating the mantra!

Emotionally immature people rarely own their decisions when it hurts someone, instead they look for someone to blame when cornered with the aftermath of their decisions.

Suzn - thank you   I know you are right - I do feel a lot of her decisions were impulsive ones, without being thought through.  And yes, then there is the aftermath - which she didn't think ahead to (poor impulse control and lack of good executive functioning!).  It's interesting how I am now seeing the application of the different theories to my individual case, and it really helps

[LosingIt2]

Actions = Actions. Not "truth". In reference to words, actions and truth, that adage can go to h**l when talking about this disorder. Love existed in the relationship, a professional won't debate that. It wasn't the kind of love that equaled a long lasting bond, sadly.

There are relationships that are actually founded in real sentiment and affection for pwBPD, and then there are destructive responses to these relationships (affairs, going off the deep end, etc.).

They're not aliens. There are impairments with empathy and intimacy. Huge problem when you want to be with them and love them. Inconsistency and confusion is just a symptom of their emotional dysregulation. I guess it's about them, not you.

[nolisan]

My getting dumped was protracted. It started with an email "I do not want to deepen my intimacy with you ... . but I still love you" What the heck?

All her hurtful communications were by email. Crazy making. Lived in fear of her next email ... . was I in (a wonderful guy) or out (a terrible man) ... .

Man o man ... . what a way to live ... . glad she's gone ... . feel compassion for her tortured state.

[Validation78]

Hey Mango!

As much as I know about BPD, at times, I am still baffled by the things my exBPDh did and does. I find myself saying that I have many technical, intellectual explanations to the behaviors, yet the emotional side of my brain still reacts with amazement when the hallmark behaviors appear.

Admittedly, I have many of the same initial reactions as our other members, and shortly thereafter, remind myself of the source, and quickly center myself with the knowledge that it is not I applying disordered thinking, it is he. Having folks here, my T, and friends validate my feelings helps  a lot.

It won't be long before you stop spending much time asking why this or that. You know already, and soon, you'll be more at peace with the simple, in a very complicated circumstance, oh yeah, that's right, she did that because she is mentally ill!

Best Wishes,

Val78