Stalking and Suicide

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

About six weeks ago, May 6th and 7th, my uBPDexgf, whom I've not spoken to face to face with for around two and half years, began stalking me at our workplace (I work at two places, and she did this at both). I emailed her and asked her to stop, explained the reasons and asked to stick to no contact.

She replied a few days later with an aggressive and defamatory letter, to which I replied, and then she called the police. For three weeks I was then dealing with the problem of being given a "warning" by the police, because of her stalking me! I showed the police the detailed records and explained that she was ill with BPD, and they were in fact fairly ok about things. I obtained some legal advice and was planning to speak to the police: to make a statement, showing them the long history of abuse, violence, assaults, manipulation and suicide threats I'd been subjected to over a period of three years, until about two years ago; and explaining to them her BPD condition.

But eleven days ago, I heard terrible news: she has killed herself. In the last few days, I have heard that the final trigger was splitting with her current bf, the day before. I heard as well that she had contacted my other employer, with wild allegations against me, but provided no evidence.

Unsure what all this means, or proves, in the end, except to drive home that BPD is a very serious condition.

[Katsky]

About six weeks ago, May 6th and 7th, my uBPDexgf, whom I've not spoken to face to face with for around two and half years, began stalking me at our workplace (I work at two places, and she did this at both). I emailed her and asked her to stop, explained the reasons and asked to stick to no contact.

She replied a few days later with an aggressive and defamatory letter, to which I replied, and then she called the police. For three weeks I was then dealing with the problem of being given a "warning" by the police, because of her stalking me! I showed the police the detailed records and explained that she was ill with BPD, and they were in fact fairly ok about things. I obtained some legal advice and was planning to speak to the police: to make a statement, showing them the long history of abuse, violence, assaults, manipulation and suicide threats I'd been subjected to over a period of three years, until about two years ago; and explaining to them her BPD condition.

But eleven days ago, I heard terrible news: she has killed herself. In the last few days, I have heard that the final trigger was splitting with her current bf, the day before. I heard as well that she had contacted my other employer, with wild allegations against me, but provided no evidence.

Unsure what all this means, or proves, in the end, except to drive home that BPD is a very serious condition.

[cska]

Dear Katsky,

I am so sorry this happened to you. It must be terribly hard for you. Please hang in there, I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers  

Remember that none of this is your fault. You did nothing wrong. You had to get away from the insanity, and you did. I'm so sorry for what has happened. Indeed BPD is a serious condition.

Please hang in there  

-cska

[LosingIt2]

Katsky,

I'm very sorry, this is a very traumatizing experience. I have lost friends to suicide, and it is horribly bewildering. Under your circumstances, I cannot imagine your pain along with wonder. I'd like to mention that BPD doesn't equal suicide, and suicide does not equal BPD. Still, the disorder can obviously influence it. I agree, it's incredibly serious.

[hopefulforfuture]

Dear Friend ,

My heartfelt condolences .  We all have our limitations in preventing suicide and many things are beyond our control . Most important is we should not take the blame on ourselves as i am sure most of us do our best .

These triggers in BPD are not the cause of suicide its their illness .  Its really a strange illness

My prayers ... .

[Lady31]

Oh goodness, how horrible!  I am sorry for you.

The other posts are correct, there would have been nothing you could do. 

I have seen a few other posts over time of this happening, I believe the suicide rate is pretty high for those with BPD.  It's hard to watch people you love from the sidelines destroy themselves knowing you have done all you can do to help them.  SO HARD.

I pray you find peace... .

[Take2]

My heart goes out to you... .   that does drive home a scary and very sad message... .    

[Validation78]

Hi Katsky!

I am very sorry to hear this terrible news as well. The lives pwBPD lead is sad indeed.

How are you feeling with all of this?

Best wishes,

Val78

[babyducks]

Katsky,

I am so sorry.  You have my heartfelt sympathies for what you have endured and what you are enduring during this very difficult time.

Please let us know how you are doing.

babyducks

[Katsky]

Thanks for the support, folks. I appreciate it. It's all very painful, and I feel stunned and traumatized yet again.

A terrible tragedy for all, and the loss of a person who lived with so much pain. She was a wonderful person in many respects - funny, intelligent. But her illness caused so much trauma all around; she lashed out when she felt persecuted. She tried so hard to hide it.

It must be appalling for those who knew her, particularly her bf, friends and her family, as she really didn't accept that she had a pretty serious problem (her father is diagnosed with NPD, and apparently last year he tried to kill himself).

Managing to get by and focusing on work to avoid thinking about it ... . Friends and my employers (who followed what was happening) have been really helpful.

[Suzn]

My thoughts are with you Katsky, so very sorry you've had to go through this.    We are here for you.

[rj47]

A terrible tragedy for all, and the loss of a person who lived with so much pain. She was a wonderful person in many respects - funny, intelligent. But her illness caused so much trauma all around; she lashed out when she felt persecuted. She tried so hard to hide it.

I'm very sorry. Its not your fault, but that does not remove the sting of thinking about the "what ifs".

I'm struggling with it myself. My BPDw has not killed herself, but has tried a few times and uses the future threats skillfully as a tool with my kids and I. People advise that its not my problem... . but it is and I can relate to your pain prospectively. I get through it with constant prayer looking solely to G*d for provision to get through each day. I will include you and her family in my prayers for healing.

[Katsky]

Thanks again for the support.

I haven't really described the story before here, but I've mentioned some of the really crazy things she said/did. My friendship with uBPDex actually began with her asking me to "rescue" her; she had been suicidal for several years previously, and she had attempted suicide at least one a year before I met her, with an overdose. From the start, she was suicidal for days, weeks and months on end. As her friend, I intervened heaven-knows how many times to deal with her threats, and to intervene in her attempts (she wasn't my gf: I was married then). The threats and attempts continued for three years. I'd always believed she was depressed or "stressed out", because of work (this is what she always said: I had no clue about BPD back then). About two years after meeting her, we had a brief r/s (a few weeks, then a gap; then a few weeks again, when I was recycled) and then split when she dumped me and made a series of further threats.

During the whole period of three years, friends said, "she's blackmailing you, harassing you and manipulating you". But I didn't see it that way, as I cared so much about her. I had no idea what BPD is; I only began to put 2 and 2 together in the months after we split, as I searched online for ways to describe her behaviour.

I hadn't spoken to her face-to-face in two and half years, and I genuinely thought she had improved, because her life was significantly better. She was with a new bf, the replacement of the one she dumped me for; and she really did have an amazing future ahead of her if she could have contained her illness or got treated. The last five weeks of her life were like a tornado, and ended so tragically. I'm also fairly sure that she kept the suicidal past and suicidal thoughts secret from her bf and didn't seek medical help.

A tragic story, and I don't think I've ever felt so much pain before, despite the fact that we had little contact for two and half years. Even the countless threats/attempts were better than it feels now. As they occurred, I pictured how I'd feel if she succeeded, and I always intervened to stop her. And on some occasions she even said she intended to kill herself to hurt me.

Now that it has actually happened, it's traumatic. But I'm hanging on - thanks, folks for the support and for being a place where I can express this.

[Suzn]

I'm glad to hear you have the support of friends and co workers Katsky. This is truly a tragedy, you are right she may have been helped had she realized the finality of this path and reached out to professionals for help. This is a shock to your system Katsky, please do take very good care of you right now. Are you spending time with your friends or family for support too? Taking care of the basics is helpful too, getting your rest, eating, etc... .

[delusionalxox]

This is so tragic Katsky. For you and for her.

One can only speculate as to the dreadful pain this woman must have been in for so long.

Rest in peace at last.

[Katsky]

Thanks suzn (and others), I'm spending time with friends, who've been really kind, and trying to focus on the basics, yes.

I hadn't realised until just a few days ago that she had hidden everything from those around her. She hated her "ill self", and would occasionally (not often, to be honest) apologise for the damage inflicted on others. In an email she sent me (most of her suicide threats were by text message) four years ago, she wrote:

"I'm pretty sure I'm going to kill myself when I go away.  Please don't 

think I don't care that I'm going to hurt others but I'm hopeless."

At this, I drove to her flat immediately and brought back to my house to stay for two days (at this point, and for a further year, we were friends). After months of urging, she finally agreed to speak to a professional psychiatrist, and we arranged for a community mental health team to be set up through her doctor. Then, 11 days later, she wrote:

"You'll be pleased to know I have decided to go to hospital on Monday. I'm sorry I have caused you so  much distress; that has never been my intention.  I really appreciate  you being there for me for the last 6 months.  No one has ever been so kind to me before.  If I ever get mad it's because I'm scared of loosing you and being totally alone.  I can see the destruction that seeking your help when I'm severly suicidal has caused.  I hope me going into hospital brings a mend to that slightly."

She could be "rescued", but only with thousands of hours of intervention and support. And nothing could really "fix" the problem. She lived in so much pain.

Rest in peace.

[mango_flower]

Oh Katsky... . you're living my worst nightmare. I cannot begin to imagine the pain, confusion and torment you're going through.

I wish I had some advice... . but I don't.

Just sending loads of love 

[Katsky]

Thank you, mango-flower (and others)!

It means a lot to have people around who themselves have been inside the BPD tornado and are trying to recover/detach.