Find that I have NO feelings about my UBPD Mother

[todayistheday]

There was a mass shooting today in my parents and sister's home city -- at THE Wal-mart.  Small area, so there's only one.  My parents often don't do Wal-mart.

This happened at lunchtime and I did not even know about it until seeing it on the evening news.  I called as soon as I heard.  Figured I'd heard if any of them were caught up in it, but then hadn't gotten a "we're OK" call either.

BTW, 4 people plus shooter injured, don't know how badly, nobody killed.

My Mom acted like she was surprised that I was interested.  Then she revealed that she'd been at a bookstore next shopping center over and HAD considered going to a craft store in that shopping center before going home.  But the traffic was backed up so she didn't go to the craft store.  She'd heard the sirens and wondered why the traffic was so bad, but did not know why until she got home.

After talking to her and knowing that none of my family had been caught up in it, I realized this.

What if UBPD Mom had been shot?  After the torture she's put me through the first 25 years of my life and I've dealt with the second 25 years, I found that I had ABSOLUTELY no feelings about it.  I truly didn't care one way or the other.  It was like "so what if she'd been a victim?"  I would NOT have felt joy, but fiurther more, I would not have been sad about it either.    I just had NO feelings.  Was glad thad Dad, sister, BIL, and nephews and Sister's in-laws weren't affected.  Mom?  It was the same as if she had been a stranger, no less than if she'd been a stranger.  Other than how it would affect Dad. I am concerned about those people in the hospital.  Mom, I would not have been.

No love, no hate (any more), she's just there.

[Rusalka]

I love how she managed to still twist that into it being about her "oh I MIGHT have gone near there!"

I'm actually envious that you feel nothing. I have such loathing and anger towards my mother that feeling apathy would be wonderful.  My mother's father seemed very BPD to me as well, but I had such LC with him during my life after he cheated on my grandmother that I can't say for sure, only from stories that remind me of things my mother does today.

When he died last year, no one cared. We called each other and everyone except for my enAunt were, "Whelp, ok thanks for letting me know." Even at his wake we kinda sat around because no one could think of anything he did that was good or selfless. It was strange.

I don't like being a hateful person at all! So my best hope is to get where you are. I don't think there is anything wrong with not feeling anything, we have been conditioned to hide ourselves, our feelings and our needs so deep around these people that we detach from them. Sadly, in a way it must be hard for the pwBPD because their fear of abandonment and loss of love actually comes true because of their own actions.

[zubizou87]

I agree that you should count your apathy as a blessing, you just get to that point... .

Since I've been living independently I've been slowly recovering from a life with an abusive mother, the hardest part was that her voice got in to my head, I used to have arguments with her sometimes it was like fighting my own demons. It was always the things she said when she was not quite herself, venting and saying abusive, negative things about people.

After a while I 'evicted' her and she stopped talking to me, it was such a relief and comfort that she is no longer controlling me in person or long distance. The most important thing is knowing your apathy is your mind's emotional response to pain, your efforts to survive her are still intact. One day your mother will die BUT it's important not to have morose thoughts of ideation. My mother has communicated to me several times that she would like it if I killed myself because I'm of no use to her now I'm a grown up (unless of course I have children she can claim as her own. You're probably idealising her death because you still feel a little threatened by her and afraid that if she's alive she may do something to harm you. I used to feel this way too but now I feel emotionally free of her I couldn't care less when she died because she is no longer my concern.

[todayistheday]

I love how she managed to still twist that into it being about her "oh I MIGHT have gone near there!"

You know, being so accustomed to her and her ways, that part went right over my head.  But it is SO true. She's the master of "woe is me".  Not only that, but she mentioned another mall shooting that she just missed, one that happened in the 1970s.  As I remember when that happened, my Aunt had just been to that particular mall. 

I was just so pleased first, that my Dad, sister, and nephews were not affected and second that I had developed the apathy about my Mom that the woe is me part totally escaped me.

In the past, I might have thought "too bad she wasn't shot too" and then felt guilty over thinking that.  This time, it's like, oh you're fine, ok.  And that was it.  I do feel pleased to have gotten to this point.  I know a lot of it is that at my age of almost 52, I have gotten to the place where she is not part of my life, she's more like one of those distant relations that you avoid when you can, put up with when you have to.   And this makes it complete. Yea!

Not that things don't pop up now and again that bring back bad memories. But even that, is more like the memory comes back and I think, oh yes, Mom did this horrible thing and didn't care.  I've gotten past 99% of the hurt and anger.  Now it's more of an acknowledgement of it and shaking my head/rolling my eyes about it.  yes, there is still hurt and mourning about not having the kind of childhood I deserved. I can never get that back, and that's just one of the facts of the situation.  And I do see it that way now.  So maybe I'm step 18 or 19 to the right.

[okaythen]

I know that I am programmed to care. Can I share something funny? One day I was running through the hose in our backyard, didn't even feel I'd cut myself on a sideways picnic table. But when I went in to use the bathroom or something, my Mom gasped at the blood running down my leg. Then she started talking about how now she'd have to cancel lunch plans and how come this always happened when my father was away, and on, and on  til I rescued her by saying that I was really fine and it didn't even hurt (which was true),"Look, see? It's OK!" She started to look hopeful, "Really?" It was all about calming her down. I really like my scar actually, I used to tell people it was from a sharkbite, just to kid around. But anyone can tell from looking at it that it should have had stitches. But I had to take care of my mother. And I did.

[GeekyGirl]

Your feelings about your mother (and their intensity) can change periodically. It's also very common to have memories come up every now and then--you're definitely not alone.

Not that things don't pop up now and again that bring back bad memories. But even that, is more like the memory comes back and I think, oh yes, Mom did this horrible thing and didn't care.  I've gotten past 99% of the hurt and anger.  Now it's more of an acknowledgement of it and shaking my head/rolling my eyes about it.  yes, there is still hurt and mourning about not having the kind of childhood I deserved. I can never get that back, and that's just one of the facts of the situation.  And I do see it that way now.  So maybe I'm step 18 or 19 to the right.

Do you feel like you need to detach from your mother emotionally? Does it bother you that you're ambivalent about your mother? It's good that you're able to see past the abuse from the past and look forward.