Day One

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

This morning I sat my (now ex) same sex partner down for a talk. Things have been up and down for a while. Last week we had sex and I was hopeful that we had turned a corner, and that her willingness to be sexual was a signal that the relationship might survive. My plan was to come up with a way forward for the relationship. My ex had very different plans.

So we sit down to talk and my ex tells me that:

- She got a position in Las Vegas (1700 miles from our city of origin, where we live now) 2 weeks ago, which she accepted and kept from me until now. (I also got a position there, by the way)

- She is going to live by herself and if I want to come with I need to know that; and the kicker... .

- She wants to live by herself so she can date men.

Ironically enough - she got a position working in the same school that offered me a position. Back when things were good, it was our shared goal that we would work for the same school. So it's definitely a cosmic joke that when that situation finally occurred, that we would be breaking up. (We worked together in the same school briefly last year, but she had a different position.)

I changed my r/s status to single on FB and noted that she had beat me to the punch. I also blocked her - don't know if she blocked me too. but I don't think she did because I saw recent posts from her. Apparently blocking also means unfriending. Oh well. I SO do not want to see her posting snippets of how delightful her life is while I sit here bleeding from my guts. Although I have known, and posted here, that a breakup was a likely outcome, I was holding out hope that we could make it. And the ups and downs have been such that I allowed myself many days of hope. She is ambivalent, and sad, but she is moving forward and I am not part of her plans. Of that she has been very decisive and very clear.

Seems like she is quite pleased with herself for moving on. I am heartbroken but have already anticipated this outcome so I was not blindsided. I have some comfort in knowing that a) the limbo is over and I can start to move on and b) she had the decency not to cheat on me before we broke up. I have a lot of support from family and friends. I may get a kitten, but I am not sure yet.

There will likely be some ugliness between now and the duration of her stay here in town. She will be here about one more month and while she doesn't pay a cent toward bills, her name is on the lease (at my insistence, at the time) and she informed me she has as much right to be here as I do. I don't want to have a screaming match, involve the police, etc. so I will probably just let her be here if she wants to. She's gone now. I don't know if I want to see her again or not. Part of me wants to spend time with her so my final memories of her will be positive, another part of me never wants to see her again.

There will be more but this is it for now. Could use some hugs.

[cult]

This morning I sat my (now ex) same sex partner down for a talk. Things have been up and down for a while. Last week we had sex and I was hopeful that we had turned a corner, and that her willingness to be sexual was a signal that the relationship might survive. My plan was to come up with a way forward for the relationship. My ex had very different plans.

So we sit down to talk and my ex tells me that:

- She got a position in Las Vegas (1700 miles from our city of origin, where we live now) 2 weeks ago, which she accepted and kept from me until now. (I also got a position there, by the way)

- She is going to live by herself and if I want to come with I need to know that; and the kicker... .

- She wants to live by herself so she can date men.

Ironically enough - she got a position working in the same school that offered me a position. Back when things were good, it was our shared goal that we would work for the same school. So it's definitely a cosmic joke that when that situation finally occurred, that we would be breaking up. (We worked together in the same school briefly last year, but she had a different position.)

I changed my r/s status to single on FB and noted that she had beat me to the punch. I also blocked her - don't know if she blocked me too. but I don't think she did because I saw recent posts from her. Apparently blocking also means unfriending. Oh well. I SO do not want to see her posting snippets of how delightful her life is while I sit here bleeding from my guts. Although I have known, and posted here, that a breakup was a likely outcome, I was holding out hope that we could make it. And the ups and downs have been such that I allowed myself many days of hope. She is ambivalent, and sad, but she is moving forward and I am not part of her plans. Of that she has been very decisive and very clear.

Seems like she is quite pleased with herself for moving on. I am heartbroken but have already anticipated this outcome so I was not blindsided. I have some comfort in knowing that a) the limbo is over and I can start to move on and b) she had the decency not to cheat on me before we broke up. I have a lot of support from family and friends. I may get a kitten, but I am not sure yet.

There will likely be some ugliness between now and the duration of her stay here in town. She will be here about one more month and while she doesn't pay a cent toward bills, her name is on the lease (at my insistence, at the time) and she informed me she has as much right to be here as I do. I don't want to have a screaming match, involve the police, etc. so I will probably just let her be here if she wants to. She's gone now. I don't know if I want to see her again or not. Part of me wants to spend time with her so my final memories of her will be positive, another part of me never wants to see her again.

There will be more but this is it for now. Could use some hugs.

[schwing]

Hi Cult,

I'm sorry you're going through with this.  

This morning I sat my (now ex) same sex partner down for a talk. Things have been up and down for a while. Last week we had sex and I was hopeful that we had turned a corner, and that her willingness to be sexual was a signal that the relationship might survive. My plan was to come up with a way forward for the relationship. My ex had very different plans.

So you realized she told you after everything else as a means of softening the blow.  She has been planning this for some time and has kept it from you.  This demonstrates forethought on her part; she has had a plan for some time.

- She got a position in Las Vegas (1700 miles from our city of origin, where we live now) 2 weeks ago, which she accepted and kept from me until now. (I also got a position there, by the way)

- She is going to live by herself and if I want to come with I need to know that; and the kicker... .

- She wants to live by herself so she can date men.

I think she hopes in some part that you will move out there with her, in order to be her security blanket until she finds a new partner with whom she can go the distance, again.  10 years is quite a long time.  I don't think she'll be able to find someone else who will accommodate her so well as you.  But then again she might get lucky.

I changed my r/s status to single on FB and noted that she had beat me to the punch. I also blocked her - don't know if she blocked me too. but I don't think she did because I saw recent posts from her. Apparently blocking also means unfriending. Oh well. I SO do not want to see her posting snippets of how delightful her life is while I sit here bleeding from my guts. Although I have known, and posted here, that a breakup was a likely outcome, I was holding out hope that we could make it. And the ups and downs have been such that I allowed myself many days of hope. She is ambivalent, and sad, but she is moving forward and I am not part of her plans. Of that she has been very decisive and very clear.

I'm writing what I'm writing because I want you to prepare yourself.  What she is undertaking will actually be quite a trial on her and she probably doesn't realize it.  So far she's been able to get as far as she has with you as part of her support.  I would bet money that she is depending upon someone else for additional support, perhaps someone who is already in L.V.

She is hoping that things will go well, but she doesn't know.  And so there is a chance that it will all blow up in her face once she moves out there.  She'll no longer be in a (as I suspect) LDR and some LDRs don't make the transition to a day-to-day relationship.  If it does blow up in her face, she going to come running back to you.  Just like I think she already has during some of the hick-ups in the recent past -- I haven't followed you story completely, but I have noticed a lot of waffling on her part with you in that last few months.

But her actions, I hope, are clear to you.  She seems to me to be determined to make this change.  Perhaps L.V. might not work out.  Perhaps she might change her orientation again.  But I think she has reached a limit in her relationship with you.  I just don't want you to go through a relationship death by a thousand cuts with her coming back only to run away over and over again.

Seems like she is quite pleased with herself for moving on. I am heartbroken but have already anticipated this outcome so I was not blindsided. I have some comfort in knowing that a) the limbo is over and I can start to move on and b) she had the decency not to cheat on me before we broke up. I have a lot of support from family and friends. I may get a kitten, but I am not sure yet.

I know it is very unsettling how quickly and absolutely they can disconnect from you when they do.  It is as if they've become another person; and I don't think this is far from the truth.  I don't know if this is what she is going though, but I suspect that at the very least she is perhaps relieved of the fear of abandonment that she has been experiencing having been with you for the last ten years.  Perhaps she has been trying to find a way to handle these disordered fears, but I think she has given up.  And in doing so she has given up on herself, and on you.

She may not have cheated on you.  But has she given you a reason for why she is now giving up on the relationship?  Is an abandonment any better than a betrayal?

Even if intellectually you were prepared for this outcome, I don't think you can really insulate yourself from the pain that is inevitable, that we all have gone through.

I would get a kitten.  Later.  I don't think the worst of the feelings you are to experience has come to pass yet.  After that period, the responsibility of taking care of a new kitten may be welcome distraction.  For now take care of you first.

There will likely be some ugliness between now and the duration of her stay here in town. She will be here about one more month and while she doesn't pay a cent toward bills, her name is on the lease (at my insistence, at the time) and she informed me she has as much right to be here as I do. I don't want to have a screaming match, involve the police, etc. so I will probably just let her be here if she wants to. She's gone now. I don't know if I want to see her again or not. Part of me wants to spend time with her so my final memories of her will be positive, another part of me never wants to see her again.

That does make things awkward for now.  A lot can happen in a month.

I don't think there is any way possible for you to make your final memories of her positive, or even neutral.  Because none of it will soften any of the emotional catastrophe that is just looming in your near future.  

Perhaps there is a friend who will provide you some kind of temporary space until she has made her transition?

Best wishes, Schwing

[cult]

Hi Schwing, and thank you for your quick reply.

Others had suggested to me that my ex was trying to let me down easily, and it turns out that they were right. I don't think she ever really intended to work things out with me. She told me what I wanted to hear, gave me token bits of affection and pity sex, to keep me pacified. You are correct; she had a plan for some time which she managed to successfully execute. Had she not gotten the position in Vegas, she may have continued the charade with me for God only knows how long. This is a blessing; it is almost over and she will be out of town. That will help a lot.

I also agree with you that while she is ambivalent and experiencing some sadness about the dissolution of our partnership after 10 years together, she is indeed adamant about making this change. She told me that she never experienced her "wild 20s" and this is what she intends to do now. She is living for herself; she freely admits that she is only thinking of herself.  She's got a lot of psychological issues and damage from growing up Catholic and being obese most of her life, plus whatever else is causing her disordered thinking. Now that she's skinny, she can fulfill the expectations of her parents, which include being straight. She HAS become a completely different person. The changes began as physical ones and then grew to encompass the emotional, personality - all others.

Oddly, she is still repeating the line that we are each "working on ourselves so that we can come back together." So you could also be correct that she might try to come back to me if her efforts at heterosexual happiness do not pan out. Her married friend is helping her financially as well as her brother, so she has carved out sources of support other than me.

But I also agree with you that this relationship is over, that she has reached her limit. I have also reached mine. I feel used, depleted and deceived. She was a wonderful partner in the early years, but this has not been the case for some time. I have been living in the past, and I also wanted to see this thing through to the bitter end. It became apparent in mid-March that we were approaching a breaking point.  I wanted to believe that with hard work and commitment on both of our parts it could be saved, but there is just too much damage, too little communication and no willingness on her part. Without willingness, there's no chance.

I'd appreciate hearing more about the emotional difficulties I'm likely to face moving forward. I have already been doing a lot of grieving during the break up process but I am sure once she is truly gone, it will get worse.

[schwing]

I imagine you are still perhaps in a period of shock, or denial.  After all she is still in your home.  A part of you may feel like things could just as quickly go back to "normal."  At some point, her absence and departure may hit you.  Probably not until she actually leaves.  Maybe before.

I don't know if you will go through this, but I experienced a period of "shattering," which is usually associated with abandonment.  You may go through this, you may not.  I don't know but during the times when you are intellectually functional and not overwhelmed emotionally, you might consider reading up about abandonment, and healing from abandonment.

Mostly though, it is having the patience with yourself if you go through periods where you don't really feel functional.

Some part of it may feel like you are going through a detox recovery, "withdrawal."  So it might be a good idea to have a game plan for when you go through this process.

The whole thing is called "SWIRL" shattering, withdrawal... . I forget the other two (I don't have my book)... . and lifting.  It's analogous to the grief process (anger, denial, bargaining, depression & acceptance) but for abandonment, not just loss.

I expect there will be times when you will feel like everything has past and you are in the clear.  :)on't expect it to last.  Everything will come in waves.  If some parts of it feel overwhelming, don't hesitate to talk with a physician to make sure your body doesn't go through more stress than it can handle.  Anti-depressants and such might be helpful as a stop-gap but not a solution.  The only way past all this that I know of is through it.

I hope some of this helps.  If you want any direct feedback drop me a PM.  I will try to keep an eye out for your posts.  I have for some time.

Best wishes, Schwing

[cult]

Update. I have spent a limited amount of time with my ex in recent days. We still share an apartment and she is around somewhat. As I understand it, she will be around until July 15.

Over the past few days of interacting with her, it is becoming increasingly clear to me that she has been nursing resentments from almost the beginning of the relationship.  My partner is very compliant and avoidant (what a combination!) so she usually let me get my way. Unfortunately, she allowed me to do so at her own expense. Instead of arguing her points, defending her positions or simply telling me point blank that she was going to do xyz no matter what I thought, she would back down and do what I wanted. Over time, unfortunately, this led to her passing up good job opportunities and becoming quite isolated.  And as more time passed and she became more and more unhappy, those resentments became a cancer that destroyed our relationship.

We had a conversation today that started out warmly but ended on an adversarial note. The upshot is that she believes herself to be the victim, that I deserve my emotional pain because I stifled and strangled her career aspirations, that she was entitled to my financial support for the same reasons, and that her actions now equate to her escaping from an abusive relationship. She claims that I want her "in a cage". I don't think that is accurate, although I know that I am codependent and insecure, and that her willingness to play into these traits of mine was very destructive to both of us.

Still, if we had even one honest conversation about any of these situations, I would have backed down, heard her and accepted whatever decision she chose to make. But that never happened. She just did whatever I wanted. Now I am the ogre who ruined her life, who has no right to my pain over the ending of our 10 year partnership because she is the real victim.

I am more and more OK with this relationship being over. My ex and I are not good for each other. We cannot communicate, she hates talking, she is unable to accept accountability for her actions and she is absolutely contemptuous of me. 

[GreenMango]

she has been nursing resentments from almost the beginning of the relationship.

Of course she has, I would be surprised if she hasn't.   Contempt is spot on.

That victim mindset keeps this whole script going.  Like a bad rerun.  It gives her justification.  Easier to leave if there's a fight or good old fashioned devaluation.

Its pretty amazing when you actually hear them say those things though right?  The reasoning behind it - well I remember thinking - this conversation is unreal and then getting worried I had early onset alzheimers because what I remembered wasn't even a close second and finally realizing that what I knew about mental illness was all stereotypes like the clearly psychotic guy in the subway talking to people who weren't there.  I finally got that the last couples of years were a series of compounding events that so clearly spoke to something deeply wrong with the way the person felt, thought and eventually behaved.  That sometimes mental illness is in the everyday and little things too - its not a bang its a whisper that never stops.

Scared the crap out of me.  Hang in there.  Try to find a quiet place outside the home while this circus winds to a close.

PS if you don't have one get an excellent therapist, read the books,and be prepared for a crash and burn Vegas experience.  Since its Vegas Id bet this little impulsive experiment (even if she planned it for awhile) in moving is going to go bust. Try to be in a place where you have some footing as this plays out, those codependent traits will make you vulnerable to rescuing her if this doesn't work out.