Been a while... and I have been diagnosed

[daze]

Hello,

It's been a while since I posted.  I was asked to be a Welcoming Ambassador in April, I think it was, and I accepted.  At the time I was sinking into something like atypical depression and my anxiety was becoming worse.  I started counseling in October 2012, learned a LOT, but my mental health symptoms were getting worse.  I talked with my counselor about the Welcoming Ambassador deal.  He thought it was okay if I was still able to keep working on myself - and at that point he thought I had anxiety, with strong codependency issues.  I've had anxiety symptoms since I was in my late 20s and had three depressive periods that I thought were situational at stressful times in my life. 

At a session in late April, I told him that my mental symptoms were getting worse.  I gained 10 pounds, craved carbs, slept too much, and was having more anxiety.  My house was becoming a mess, my sons were having issues, my work was behind, and I'm self employed so I have to work to get paid.  I had so many unfinished projects at home and at work that I was overwhelmed.  I was late for everything and forgot things and made stupid mistakes at work, at home, with my bills.  I was worried that I wouldn't be able to maintain.

My counselor said I might need a diagnosis and meds and that I should see a psychiatrist, rather than my family doctor.  I made an appointment with one of the psychiatrists he recommended - the one who could fit me in the soonest - the first week of May.  I showed up five minutes late, missing two pieces of critical information they needed for the 16 page questionnaire they provided.  I got in to see the pdoc and we went over the 16 pages of intake information for two hours.  He went over every question with me.  I ended up crying my eyes out, answering questions before he finished them, and talking a mile a minute.

At the end of our meeting, he asked me to give blood and urine for a full panel and wanted me to take a computer test.  I said okay - even though it freaked me out.  I have never had a full blood work-up even though I am 47 because I have had sketchy insurance and was afraid of preexisting conditions because I've had private insurance plans with my self-employment.  I know, sounds crazy. 

Anyway, I gave blood and urine and took what is called a continuous performance test on the computer.  This test consists of sitting at a computer for 15 minutes and clicking on letters that are not an X at various speeds.  The test seemed like it lasted forever, I couldn't sit still and could tell I was making stupid mistakes.  My doctor said that based on our interview and the results of our interview and my computer test, that he thinks I have ADHD, generalized anxiety disorder, panic disorder, social anxiety, and some level of OCD. He wrote a script for a medium dose of Adderall and asked me to try it, let him know if my anxiety worsened, and to come back in a week.  I turned down his recommendation for a benzo, like Xanax, because my grandmother and father had issues with physical dependence on valium and xanax.

I responded very favorably to Adderall.  It was like the fog lifted.  I went back the following week and he asked if I would try something for the anxiety and said that he thought it would help.  I am now also taking Zoloft.  I went back a week later and everything was good.  Then two weeks.  And my next appointment is the first week of July.

Anyway, my journey with my BPDh has led to the discovery of my own issues.  When pdoc diagnosed me, I read a ton about ADHD in girls and women and it's been a series of lightbulb moments.  I had perfect academic performance in elementary school, was off the charts on achievement test scores, and was identified to be in gifted and talented classes in middle school.  I also wet the bed regularly until I was 8, broke my arms three times, had stitches four times, and was a busy busy girl. 

In middle school when I hit puberty, my grades went down, I began talking too much, and I got in trouble a lot.  This coincided with my parents' divorce.  My dad got custody of me and my sister because my n/BPD mom wanted to live her own life.  My parents thought the change in me was because of the divorce, etc.  I think in retrospect that I developed Oppositional Defiance Disorder that I outgrew and skated through high school with easy classes and a lot of partying with an emphasis on my social life.

College was hard for me.  I knew that I was smart but I had a hard time applying myself.  I finished my undergrad degree finally at the age of 25 and wandered into my profession basically on accident.  I have been able to excel at it because I can hyperfocus (perseveration in psychiatric terms) and it's project work that is not closely supervised.  Plus I am a people pleaser - codependence.  In other words, I developed coping skills that worked for me to an extent until multiple stresses became too much.  I realize that I have been white-knuckling it for a long time.  And everything is much clearer to me.

My uBPDh who I have been with for two years had me diagnosed a long time ago with ADD and OCD - evidence of his perceptual ability.  Our relationship has improved because I learned the tools, I shifted the focus to me, and now that I know about my perseveration and OCD, I can handle the relationship and my life better.  Meds definitely help.  It's not perfect but it's better.

That is my story and I thought I would share.  I have been making huge strides and it's like waking up.  I have always felt that I was different and didn't understand why.  That my academics decreased in such a major way also hurt my self-esteem, that my parents chalked it up to their divorce, etc.  I have been able to accomplish many things in my life and I am a successful person by most standards, but I've always felt like I didn't live up to my potential.  It makes sense now.

Daze 

[Blazing Star]

Hi Daze!

Great to hear from you! It sounds like you have had a few significant lightbulb moments! It must feel so good that you have an explanation of sorts for your past and where you are now.

Yay! Love it!

Thank you for sharing your journey!

Love Blazing Star

[daze]

Thanks, Blazing Star,

I have to say the whole journey has been worth it and it's not over yet.  I'm grateful that it happened now rather than later or never.  Don't know how much more it might have taken to get my attention - considering my challenges in those areas.  When you are strong on intellectualizing, you can come up with many reasons/excuses.

My counselor told me that self awareness is the main thing.  When you recognize there is an issue and feel the need to respond/get help, you can get better. 

There's a lot of overlap between BPD and adhd, in fact adhd is comorbid with 50 percent of people with BPD.  Many times I have wondered who had the problem.  And now it's much more clear.  We both do.  Separate problems/issues that affect us/relationship.

Daze

[Surnia]

Hi daze

So sorry to hear your life going down   and I am happy that you found your way out now through the diagnose and supportive medication!

Thank you for sharing. 

All the best for a steady recovering.

[Rose Tiger]

Hi Daze,

I'm wondering, what are symptoms of ADHD?  Your husband has BPD?  As you work on your stuff, does he show desire to work on his?

[daze]

Rose Tiger,

The DSM-V which was released in May 2013 loosened the criteria somewhat for adults.  They changed age of onset to before age 12 and changed the criteria threshold from six to five for adults.  The adult criteria better describes issues that adults would have.  For instance, I have outgrown hyperactivity that I had as a child that I was able to channel at school but showed up in my impulsive dare-devil antics with broken arms and stitches.  Now my hyperactivity is mainly in my brain and processing.  I can't find the actual DSM-V criteria for adults online yet.  My diagnosis is ADHD-Combined.  I haven't had anxiety all my life, it developed as my responsibilities increased and stretched my ADHD coping mechanisms.  Anxiety is the number one comorbid disorder with ADHD.

DSM-IV Criteria for ADHD

I. Either A or B:

    Six or more of the following symptoms of inattention have been present for at least 6 months to a point that is inappropriate for developmental level:

    Inattention

        Often does not give close attention to details or makes careless mistakes in schoolwork, work, or other activities.

        Often has trouble keeping attention on tasks or play activities.

        Often does not seem to listen when spoken to directly.

        Often does not follow through on instructions and fails to finish schoolwork, chores, or duties in the workplace (not due to oppositional behavior or failure to understand instructions).

        Often has trouble organizing activities.

        Often avoids, dislikes, or doesn't want to do things that take a lot of mental effort for a long period of time (such as schoolwork or homework).

        Often loses things needed for tasks and activities (e.g. toys, school assignments, pencils, books, or tools).

        Is often easily distracted.

        Is often forgetful in daily activities.

    Six or more of the following symptoms of hyperactivity-impulsivity have been present for at least 6 months to an extent that is disruptive and inappropriate for developmental level:

    Hyperactivity

        Often fidgets with hands or feet or squirms in seat when sitting still is expected.

        Often gets up from seat when remaining in seat is expected.

        Often excessively runs about or climbs when and where it is not appropriate (adolescents or adults may feel very restless).

        Often has trouble playing or doing leisure activities quietly.

        Is often "on the go" or often acts as if "driven by a motor".

        Often talks excessively.

    Impulsivity

        Often blurts out answers before questions have been finished.

        Often has trouble waiting one's turn.

        Often interrupts or intrudes on others (e.g., butts into conversations or games).

II. Some symptoms that cause impairment were present before age 7 years.

III. Some impairment from the symptoms is present in two or more settings (e.g. at school/work and at home).

IV. There must be clear evidence of clinically significant impairment in social, school, or work functioning.

V. The symptoms do not happen only during the course of a Pervasive Developmental Disorder, Schizophrenia, or other Psychotic Disorder. The symptoms are not better accounted for by another mental disorder (e.g. Mood Disorder, Anxiety Disorder, Dissociative Disorder, or a Personality Disorder).

Based on these criteria, three types of ADHD are identified:

IA. ADHD, Combined Type: if both criteria IA and IB are met for the past 6 months

IB. ADHD, Predominantly Inattentive Type: if criterion IA is met but criterion IB is not met for the past six months

IC. ADHD, Predominantly Hyperactive-Impulsive Type: if Criterion IB is met but Criterion IA is not met for the past six months.

[daze]

Rose Tiger ---

As you work on your stuff, does he show desire to work on his?

No, not really.  He is undiagnosed and rarely sees his own issues.  And when he does, it takes a lot of time and reflection on his part.  That said, he has improved as I have improved.  I am in the undecided camp about the long term viability of our relationship.  But I do love him and now have a better understanding of my issues.  People with ADHD often have very low self awareness of how their behavior affects others.  Much of it has to do with attention span.

Even if he did decide to work on his issues, it would take a lot of time because he abuses alcohol regularly and had a traumatic brain injury when he was 13 that left him in a coma for a month.  Then he had to relearn a lot.  My psychologist said he would have to acknowledge the need for help and stop drinking for at least 6 months before he could be diagnosed.  He probably also has some level of PTSD from early childhood trauma with his very young parents, he was sexually abused by a female teenage babysitter at the age of three or four, and he was in the military during the first Gulf war.

I have never known a more masculine, sensitive, and intelligent man.  He has so many wonderful qualities and our sex life is incredible considering we're in our 40s.  I know why I am in love with him and haven't given up.

Daze

[Blazing Star]

My counselor told me that self awareness is the main thing.  When you recognize there is an issue and feel the need to respond/get help, you can get better. 

Ah this is So true, and a good reminder I think about giving ourselves credit for getting this far, stopping a moment to quieten the critical self-talk and acknowledging where we are at.

Thanks daze!

Love Blazing Star

[Rose Tiger]

Very interesting stuff Daze.  Do you feel that the trauma in your upbringing contributed to the the ADHD?  And the adderall helps you to stay focused?

That is rough that your husband has some physical aspects that lend to his disorder.  I have a friend whose husband was in a serious accident with head trauma.  He is in a wheelchair.  He also drinks.  She has given up trying to make him stop drinking, she did stop helping him to get it.  No matter how abusive he gets about it, she won't do that. 

[daze]

Rose Tiger,

No, I don't feel that trauma contributed to my ADHD symptoms or diagnosis. I think most of it is genetic. My parents might disagree.   My dad likes to think my my mom caused trauma.   My mom likes to think I inherited it from my dad... . That would let her N/BPD off the hook.

I know that my grandmother had it on some level. I loved her like a mother and she showed me how to be a good person.  If anything she was OCPD with major anxiety.  Always a "checker."  And probably ADHD.  She felt different all her life.  Took herself to the Mayo Clinic and a clinic in Texas for diagnosis.  They said she was bipolar, which she strongly disagreed with. 

My dad too.  He's a hoarder, which has been within the OCD spectrum until May 2013, when it was specified as a separate disorder.

I think I come by it genetically.  Yes, the Adderall helps me be focused to work and be the best person I can be.  And I can sleep on it. 

I love my husband,

[daze]

It's very strange, but I relate to it and see my symptoms for it throughout my life.

[Rose Tiger]

During the break up with my ex, I couldn't concentrate at work at all.  I wonder if the adderall could of helped during that time.  I also have severe social anxiety and it's about impossible for me to speak to a group.  Shaky hands and all that.  Bleck.  I blame that on my older sisters constant criticism when I was little, that is hard on a little person.

My dad is a hoarder and NPD.  No contact with him for a long time.

[daze]

Rose tiger -

My dad is a hoarder with a lot of anxiety and paranoia. That said we have a good relationship.

I also think he has adhd and I think my grandmother did too. Heritability is 60 to 80 percent. A lot of people who have it have kids who are on the autism spectrum.  There are scholars who think adhd is on the far right of the autism spectrum. Many similarities.

I am not a hoarder by any measure but I have and had significant adhd symptoms my whole life; as in, not just with my uBPDh.

I take adderall on the days I need to function at work or in my social life. Otherwise I do okay but don't get much done besides basic living. Cooking cleaning laundry.

I have a lot of sensory issues - lighting, sounds, fabric, etc. these are issues that contribute to social anxiety. I am sensitive and don't like stimulation on some levels but crave it on other levels.  I also have some tics but they are not all that obvious to most people.

I have studied adhd, tics and associated issues and think I have a nonverbal learning disability too. The results of my IQ testing are all over the place. Not consistent.

It's okay. I got through school. With an undergrad degree. Worked in the same field for 25 years and am now a consulting expert. And my work is detail oriented. That's how I make a living. It's not all bad.