She just sent me 3 books...

[Rameses]

Book #1 "Men who can`t love: How to recognize a commitmentphobic Man before he breaks up with you"

        #2 "I used to miss him... . but my aim is Improving"

        #3 "Mr. unavailable and the fallback girl: The defenitive guide to understanding emotionally unavailable men and the women that love them.

Since I hav not responded to any of her text or emails, this was another way to put the blame on me, knowing I had to open the box and read the titles of the books.

BP`s they are cunning and slick and wicked.

And the the thing that pisses me off the most, is it still affects me!

Rather than dismissing the book titles, I start to think hey maybe I am a commitmentphobic or emotionally unavailabe... . crap this stuff never ends!

[MarcinN7]

No! Dont buy this crap.

Its more then possible that most of us, especially near then end of the rs behaved in ways that could be dragged into commitment phobia.

But this is not a phobia. Phobia is fear of something that does not exist or a danger that is fictional. Red flags we ignored at the beggining are piling up one on top of another. The fear of commitment to a person that does not love us is real. The longer we go there are more and more red flags, often bigger that we simply cannot ignore.

For me the braking point was her cheating.

She knows that you are an understanding driven person with an open mind - like most nons and that you will question youself. If you would not question yourself you would bail when first red flags appeared.

[MarcinN7]

One more thing. I also thought that i was the problem and instinctively searched for my fault in the failure of this relationship.

I also thought that maybe i habe BPD - my T beat that idea out of me.

What helps me when the thought that i was the problem comes and when im stsrting to think i was the one with a PD is remembering the most disordered behaviour i witnessed in her. The list is long and my bad behaviour started only when i started to suffered from depression from years of stress - irritability and after i found out about her cheating and witnessing her behaviour in response to this.

[Rameses]

Lots of good points MarcinN7... . especially... .

... . "She knows that you are an understanding driven person with an open mind - like most nons and that you will question youself. If you would not question yourself you would bail when first red flags appeared."

Man, that hits it right on the head... . Thanks

[causticdork]

Remember to ask yourself what kind of person would send those books to an ex.  This isn't a situation where there's a possibility that she was meaning well and trying to help you sort out your issues (like if she'd mailed you Codependent No More, which everyone on this board could get some insight from).  She sent you book specifically to blame you for the failure of your relationship.  Can you, as a relatively well adjusted, not mentally ill grown adult, imagine doing that?  Can you picture sending her a book called, "Men who love women who behave like toddler terrorists?"

[Clearmind]

        #3 "Mr. unavailable and the fallback girl: The defenitive guide to understanding emotionally unavailable men and the women that love them.

I read the sister book to this He's Scared, She's Scared and I must say much of it rang true for me.

In choosing a Borderline I was not open to a healthy and fulfilling relationship where another person was treating me with respect and dignity - instead I chose dysfunction and in a sense I was emotionally unavailable for a man who would treat me the way I deserved - the difference being I chose exactly what I thought I deserved - because I had low self worth, low self esteem and to boot I was as emotionally immature as my ex.

We tend to chose those that are our emotional equals. When we begin to heal from these relationships, recognize why we chose a Borderline, why we ignored the red flags and stayed despite the abuse - we begin to recognize healthy, begin to realize that we deserve a healthy emotionally available person.

This person in your life was brought to you for a reason - we often have much to learn about ourselves - a relationship really does take two - she was not the only one in it - food for thought!

[Rameses]

"Men who love women who behave like toddler terrorists?"

Thanks for a good laugh caustic!

Also, it does put in proper prospective her motives.

See, I`m still acting like I did in the relationship, she says or does something hurtful and I immediatly turn inward to see how I can fix the situation or me, and make an excuse for her blatant attempt to blame me.

Believe me, I KNOW there a lot of things I need to work on, but I have no desire to throw bombs at her, when I have much more justification to do so. All I did was leave a relationship that I thought would be unhealthy for both of us in the long run.

[mango_flower]

One word for you - projection! 

[Rameses]

I`m not the sharpest knife in the drawer... . what do you mean by "projection"?

[Murbay]

Wow, that is so cold Rameses but at least it is proof that she has no desire to change.

These things are very difficult because as people have mentioned on this post, we begin to question whether we were the ones at fault and it opens up our own insecurities.

MarcinN7, I did exactly the same thing as you did. My ex actually sent me an article on BPD and told me she suspected I had it because our relationship was push/pull. I agreed completely that it was and didn't understand why. She tried to tell me I have these mood swings that I don't remember because "people don't remember disassociating" only I did remember everything. She passed me on to her therapist and I was more than willing to see him, because if I was the issue, I wanted to get to the bottom of it and save our relationship.

He saw things a little differently and in fact the ex should have been the one reading the article, I didn't have the abandonment issues but she was open about hers and the dynamic was she went in there blaming everything on me, I went in there taking responsibility for everything wrong in the relationship. It was obvious to him that one of us had BPD but it wasn't me, so he abandoned her in favour of helping me. He caught the brunt of a few rages as a result but I guess that's why he did it, to confirm his own thoughts. Like you, all I had was depression from living in the abuse but he helped me come through that.

Clearmind is right too, we lived the experience for a reason and I'm now at the stage where I'm grateful for what I have seen because some of my own issues that were invisible have come to the surface and closure found. Who knows? Reading through those books might actually help you because if anything, they will help you to build better healthier boundaries for yourself and maybe understand why she believes herself to be entirely blameless in all of this. That way, you can make sure you avoid that type of person in the future. Either that or change man for wo-man when you read them and maybe find some closure for yourself  

[Ittookthislong]

Murbay- your experience was very helpful to read. i show a lot of borderline traits come to find out, and the ex who shut off overnight treats me as though i have issues, relayed things to people in a way that have them telling him to not speak to me, and any closure i try to get is treated with that whole cold distant nice thing... . just the facts , like im trying to understand what happenned and i get, "I really hope you can move forward" and all these condescending remarks that seem nice but imply i need help.

i admit it is making me crazy to be treated like im crazy but ive started to waiver and doubt myself to the point that i almost want to reach out and apolagize to him. some posts on here people complain of BPDs it sounds like him, then others it sounds like me.

but two things i know for a fact 1) I have always been willing to talk anything through, figure out whats happenning, i would have gone to a therapist to fix things, but he would say "i dont think its something you will be able to do overnight" but i still wonder what i could have done and 2) Id be willing to change if i knew i was BPD, or had BPD habits. and i know without a doubt that my intentions were good and i want to try

your post helped a little to hear that a therapist saw your efforts as a sign you werent in BPD category. this stuff is so confusing, not to mention really scary- i have isolated myself for fear that i hurt people. im scared to talk to any old friends and have cut off from everyone till i know

[Ittookthislong]

if it is me i will say sorry, or find out if that would be a good or bad idea for the others sake

already promised myself that

[turtle]

Any mail items should be marked "return to sender."

UPS, fedex, etc., can be refused.

turtle

[Murbay]

Ittookthislong, I'm really sorry to hear about your troubles and how frustrating it must be for you when you recognise these patterns.

The truth is that most people exhibit some borderline traits and that comes through our own interactions. The difference between having traits and having BPD is that you recognise those traits, own the responsibility and don't try to project it on to others. pwBPD aren't able to do that and such as in my case, my ex would state I was the issue, I would state I was the issue though I could logically reason or understand where I was coming from. If I said something out of line, I wouldn't blame anyone for what I said, instead I would recognise straight away that something I said was unfair, said out of frustration, that I could understand the reaction and apologise for my actions. I recognise in myself that I'm not perfect, that I make mistakes and that I try and learn from those mistakes. That makes the difference.

I think the books that Rameses was sent was a cold act but something that can be turned around into a positive one. I'm very thankful to my ex for her accusations and for her disorder too. I have read a lot of books now on BPD and have recognised some of my own traits and have been able to address them. The books Rameses recieved can be just as valuable because even though it refers to his ex, it may give him a positive insight and maybe help process some of those traits we recognise in ourselves.

[seeking balance]

Book #1 "Men who can`t love: How to recognize a commitmentphobic Man before he breaks up with you"

        #2 "I used to miss him... . but my aim is Improving"

        #3 "Mr. unavailable and the fallback girl: The defenitive guide to understanding emotionally unavailable

She does have a sense of humor at least.

This is designed to get your attention - will it work?

[Rameses]

Yes it did... . but she knows I take those things to heart and will seriously take a look at it. Unlike her who would dismiss any books that I would send her, because she does not believe there is anything wrong with her.

I did send them back though.

Rameses

[seeking balance]

Yes it did... . but she knows I take those things to heart and will seriously take a look at it. Unlike her who would dismiss any books that I would send her, because she does not believe there is anything wrong with her.

I did send them back though.

This is really interesting if you dig in here - so, is it fair to say this a core value for you that she is exploiting? (or trying to exploit, since you sent the books back).