One thing I'm still struggling with...

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi all,

So this is a sticking point for me.

The fact that on this board, I read so many stories where the BPD person just upped and left and moved on to somebody new (classic situation).  More emotionless.

Yet my breakup seemed messier.

It was 6 weeks of hell, with her trying to get my attention by acting out, crying, feeling suicidal.  I think there was a bit of a breakdown going on at the same time.

Ok so I know she moved on pretty much straight away, but I also know she didn't sleep for weeks and had to have her new gf come rescue her when she broke down crying when she was away with work.  She ended up being referred to a counsellor and put on antidepressants (so she says, but I believe this because the facts add up and she isn't that good at lying!)

So this confuses me - because if she was purely BPD, she'd have just shown no emotion, blocked it, moved on, right?  So why all the drama?

Or have I misunderstood?

Thanks

[mango_flower]

Hi all,

So this is a sticking point for me.

The fact that on this board, I read so many stories where the BPD person just upped and left and moved on to somebody new (classic situation).  More emotionless.

Yet my breakup seemed messier.

It was 6 weeks of hell, with her trying to get my attention by acting out, crying, feeling suicidal.  I think there was a bit of a breakdown going on at the same time.

Ok so I know she moved on pretty much straight away, but I also know she didn't sleep for weeks and had to have her new gf come rescue her when she broke down crying when she was away with work.  She ended up being referred to a counsellor and put on antidepressants (so she says, but I believe this because the facts add up and she isn't that good at lying!)

So this confuses me - because if she was purely BPD, she'd have just shown no emotion, blocked it, moved on, right?  So why all the drama?

Or have I misunderstood?

Thanks

[Want2know]

The drama of having her new gf rescue her may have nothing to do with your situation really, and more her general feeling of instability... . it may be how she knows to get attention, and is now engaging another in her injuries.

[bpdspell]

My breakup seemed messier.

because if she was purely BPD, she'd have just shown no emotion, blocked it, moved on, right?  So why all the drama?

Or have I misunderstood?

Thanks

Hey mango flower,

My breakup was messier as well. There was lots of push and pull, silent treatment, rages, jealousy and envy, and a recycle in the last 6-8 weeks of our relationship. I was really out of sorts and confused because all I wanted back was idealization and we can never seem to get on the same page with this.

My ex had a replacement lined up but I'm pretty sure he didn't really want to move on with that replacement so his acting out behavior was his way of punishing and devaluing me for the inevitable demise of the relationship. I think on some level they want us so bad to be "the one" cause they really want to be rescued and taken care of but at our expense. In many ways they know when the ax is about to drop... . they've had so much experience with abandonment pain... . whether real or imagined.

BPD breakups are not black and white... . and they're not all the same. Some of us are abandoned and some of us leave.  Some abruptly; some with many recycles. I left my ex and experienced many extinction bursts (death threats, late hour texts, hang up calls, begging and pleading)... . all while he had a replacement... . it takes time to seduce and groom the next sucker victim... . before they are sure that the new supply wants in. In the meantime... . I used to be a sure thing for him... . and now I wore the familiar face of disgust that they know all too well.

BPD are pure emotion. They act on emotion and for them facts=feelings. If they feel you're going to abandon them then in their minds you already have. Painting us black is not the same as having zero emotion. Painting us black is repression of more disappointment, hurt and shame.

Spell

[Murbay]

Mango_flower, I experienced something similar in my breakup too. There was the cold emotionless side and just as I reached acceptance, the tears and emotional side showed themselves. It was a very confusing time and something I questioned about BPD too.

For example, she wanted to end the marriage and I know she had about 3 other men giving feeding her and stepping in to "rescue" her. That's when the cold side came out and I wasn't doing enough or I wasn't doing things right, and it was all my fault. When I accepted this and met her on her level, the tears would start because I was so cruel and didn't "need" her and that I was planning my life without her which meant that I obviously didn't care.

I can see why this can be very confusing, because they want to project those conflicting feelings at you.

When I spoke to my T about this happening, he told me not to be taken in by it. Part of the illness is it's all about "THEM" so those tears, that hurt and that pain that they are showing has nothing to do with what you are feeling, it has everything to do with how they are seeing themselves at that moment in time. They are grieving over themselves because they have lost a mirror and have to face their own fears of abandonment until someone comes along to "rescue" them even if they brought it on themselves.

Those tears aren't a sign of them understanding how much they have hurt you or being sorry for the way that things went. It's only about self, self, self. In your case, your ex was most likely depressed because she the only option she had was to face herself and she didn't like that. That's what the drama is about, their perceived abandonment and loss of self. The no emotion, the anger and the rages is what is directed at you and the pity is what they keep for themselves. You might see the no emotion but inside it is humiliation and shame cleverly hidden until it manifests itself in the outbursts and then you get the backlash or the reaching out to project that blame on to you.

I'm getting it every week since I left, e-mails projecting the blame but then asking me politely to respond to her e-mails. I saw a picture from several weeks ago and she looks exhausted, far too thin, and just a shadow of her former self. I'm not fooled into thinking that any of that is as a result of being upset at the demise of the relationship but more that she has to face her core by herself and isn't coping too well with that. She is desperate to put that blame away from her but at the same time is also desperate to have someone step forward and save her so she doesn't have to.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Mango-Flower,

I echo BPDspell and Murbay: they are ruled by emotions which veer wildly from moment to moment, like an out-of-control car, due to their fear of abandonment, so I don't find your Ex's behavior unusual at all.  In my view, she will do anything that might hook you emotionally again.  I remain skeptical about some of the things she is relating (counselor, antidepressants, etc.) because I suspect she is trying to gain your sympathy.  Don't fall for it!  Also, in my experience, those w/BPD don't remain with any counselor for very long, because they can't take responsibility for their actions, so inevitably abandon the therapeutic process.

Hang in there, LuckyJim

[patientandclear]

Hi MF.  I think the answer is that all is not necessarily as it appears to be.  When my ex first ended our r/s, he was weirdly dispassionate.  I remember he wrote "I'm sorry that it went this way."  My jaw dropped. "It?"  "It went?"  As if relationships are not the product of two people's volitional decisions. Much that he wrote was like that -- cold, empty-*eeming -- till I gave up.  Then he instantly got warmer.  When I finally asked for NC, it was like a dam broke, & he revealed he'd been in counseling about whether to re-approach me, he felt profoundly changed by the "ordeal," and so on.  He'd just been concealing that behind an "everything's fine, I know what I'm doing" mask.

Yours may only have put the mask on a few weeks/months down the road, though it certainly has slipped multiple times since. I think you are just seeing variation in which those feelings got screened from your view. I think they are always there.

[mango_flower]

Thank you very much guys.  Appreciated.  So much insight here, I seem to come up against certain things and my head gets all scrambled, and then some answers here really help unscramble it again 

[LosingIt2]

my ex was back and forth for over 4 months, very emotional at times and other times cold, distant and emotionless. It was a huge mess and I was confused during and after. Then she came back after another 4 months. Since then we broke up again. She was still confusing this time around, but has since cut off me off essentially. Zero contact.

This is the definition of push-pull and what I believe you are describing.

[danley]

. Part of the illness is it's all about "THEM" so those tears, that hurt and that pain that they are showing has nothing to do with what you are feeling, it has everything to do with how they are seeing themselves at that moment in time. They are grieving over themselves because they have lost a mirror and have to face their own fears of abandonment until someone comes along to "rescue" them even if they brought it on themselves.

Those tears aren't a sign of them understanding how much they have hurt you or being sorry for the way that things went. It's only about self, self, self. In your case, your ex was most likely depressed because she the only option she had was to face herself and she didn't like that. That's what the drama is about, their perceived abandonment and loss of self. The no emotion, the anger and the rages is what is directed at you and the pity is what they keep for themselves. You might see the no emotion but inside it is humiliation and shame cleverly hidden until it manifests itself in the outbursts and then you get the backlash or the reaching out to project that blame on to you.

Very sad but True

[willtimeheal]

My BPD had her back up all in place before she set her plan in motion.  Once she set it in motion it started to spiral out of control.  The plan was suppose to get my attention not make me walk away.  I walked away and then she was left with this guy (which I still don't know if its true) moving back here to be with her.  I asked for NC and she would do NC for about 3 or 4 days (thats the longest) but then I would either get an I love or miss you or I would get a verbal rant about what a bad person I was.  If I didn't respond to the I love or miss you text, the next day or next hour it would be followed by a verbally abusive rant or that she was so so happy with her new fellow.  Or that she had a moment of weakness and it would never happen again... . but it always did and continues to happen.  My favorite is when she tells me how much she has changed.  Her big change was that she went off antidepressents.  She always blamed me for going on them.  I never told her to go on them and when she wanted to go off them I always told her not to do it cold turkey, just talk to your doctor.  I do see some changes but the person who has changed is me.  I went to therapy, I got healthy and stronger and that scared the crap out of her.  I am not longer the punching bag and I will no longer tolerate her behavior towards me.  She wants me back and I said we could work on it and I think that surprised her.  Now she is frightened because I come with boundaries firmly in place.  She is not sure how to take that and is stalling.  Whatever.  Stall all you want.  I have a life to live.  I have wasted enough time on you.