Do we give our exBPD too much power?

[Deleted]

Do you find yourself giving your exBPD too much power? Almost super human?

What I mean is that one word or text or call from them would have us spinning out of control, why? We see them, well at least I did, as someone who's just cruel, vicious, cold and calculating, I didn't see her for the scared, little immature girl that she truly is but is cleverly disguising in a woman's body. Why?

Do you guys find yoursel putting your exBPD on the "power pedestal"?

[elessar]

Yes I do! My friend has been telling me that forever... . stop putting her on a pedestal.

[Ahhhh431]

Do you find yourself giving your exBPD too much power? Almost super human?

What I mean is that one word or text or call from them would have us spinning out of control, why? We see them, well at least I did, as someone who's just cruel, vicious, cold and calculating, I didn't see her for the scared, little immature girl that she truly is but is cleverly disguising in a woman's body. Why?

Do you guys find yoursel putting your exBPD on the "power pedestal"?

I always put my exBPD on a pedestal... . Before the relationship, during, and after... .

Even when she messed up I saw her on the pedestal -- I think part of it is wanting to see the best in others -- I think the hard part is taking them off it and putting ourselves on it so that we can give ourselves the attention to get whole/restored. I don't want to below my partner I want to be beside them. I don't want her to be above me I want her to be beside me.

[Deleted]

I meant it in a way that empowers then. For months after nc she still had such power over me and I realized it was my thoughts that made her go from a immature effed up person with BPD to a super villain who has no feelings, is doing great, and has no emotions.

[nolisan]

The Buddhists say it is our thoughts that cause our suffering.

I was so enmeshed with her that I abandoned myself.

Even after she was long long ... .

But ultimately the r/s has reunited me with myself. Thank you Dear exBPD. I am forever grateful.

[FineTime]

The pedestal, it's so part of the BPD experience... . very interesting.  Deep down inside do we really miss being on that pedestal and are just wanting, waiting, hoping to be put back up on it... .

I found your posts very thought provoking and  helpful tonight.

Thank you.

[Octoberfest]

Me "seeing the good in her" is what kept me with her for so long as she continually disrespected me, lied to me, and cheated on me.  I kept taking those blows because I thought we were on a road to recovery, to a working relationship... . I didn't realize that those things, no matter how "good" it got, would always linger over our heads. 


In answer to your question, Duh.  Of course we did... . Our relationships with these people were not fair, balanced relationships.  If they were, we wouldn't be on this board.  The holding of power in these relationships is so far skewed towards the pwBPD it isn't even funny.  We give of ourselves because we are compassionate and they take advantage of that instead of respecting it and walk all over us

[Deleted]

Nolisan- wonderful words of wisdom! I'm actually beginning to be thankful. I got to be in tune with myself more.

Finetime, welcome! And thank you. Hope your thoughts are positive ones. Best of luck.

Oktoberfest, it's funny because at the end they blame us for not being compassionate enough! Lol but I'm beginning to tear down this mental statue I have of her. It loomed over my "village" and struck fear but I'm beginning to actually understand realize she's just a scared pathetic immature person. Similar to a dog that barks trying to display how tough it is when In reality, they're just scared.

[willtimeheal]

It's interesting how one text from them can send you into a downward spiral. I gave so much of my power to my my ex BPD and I love her still so at times I catch myself giving her my power and I have to stop myself. I think that is the most important piece for us recognizing when we give our power away. When need to take it back. I always made excuses for her behavior. She has had a hard life, she was an abused child,her parents did drugs. And through those excuses she took my power by preying on my compassion and empathy. Plus she was drop dead gorgeous but I am smarter now and wiser. I saw a quote the other day and I thought it nailed it... . you can't Photoshop your ugly personality.  I understand their vie  of reality is distorted but there comes a time when you have to take responsibility for your actions. It's called being an adult.

[Deleted]

Willtimeheal,

My ex gave me a long list of tragic things from sexual abuse from some guy, to horrible abusive boyfriends, drugs, school, and bad parenting I believe her mother has BPD as well. My heart truly goes out if she really went through some of those things. But I can't and won't be a punching bag for her behavior. She took it out on me and damn, I don't deserve that. She much rather played the waif than face her issues and "grow" as a person. No matter what anyone has gone through, it comes to a point where one is aware of their behavior and they need to take responsibility.

[Octoberfest]

Willtimeheal,

My ex gave me a long list of tragic things from sexual abuse from some guy, to horrible abusive boyfriends, drugs, school, and bad parenting I believe her mother has BPD as well. My heart truly goes out if she really went through some of those things. But I can't and won't be a punching bag for her behavior. She took it out on me and damn, I don't deserve that. She much rather played the waif than face her issues and "grow" as a person. No matter what anyone has gone through, it comes to a point where one is aware of their behavior and they need to take responsibility.

All of this reads true for my BPDex too.  All of it.

[willtimeheal]

Deleted,

I got the laundry list as well. And I met her family and they are pretty much crazy. Classic white trash family... . drugs alcohol jail abuse problems with the law.  And of course none of it is their fault... . it is society's fault. It always surprised me how she came from that family. She seemed so different. She has so much talent and her IQ is off the charts. It's sad really. Such a waste. She exists and that's pretty much it.

We reached a boiling point in our relationship when I wouldn't allow her to take her anger out on me anymore. When her father or brother or other family member would upset her I would tell her to say something to them. She would say "I don't want to rock the boat."  Well the anger would build in her and I would be the lucky recieptiant. All that anger was projected onto me. When I finally realized what was happening and told her no more that I wasn't her punching bag that's when she lost it. She had no idea what I was talking about. In her eyes I deserved everything I got. She would apologize ever now and then and say she was broken that's why. Just another excuse. distorted reality or not... . GROW UP!  You learn the golden rule in kindergarten... . treat others as you want to be treated.

[danley]

.treat others as you want to be treated.

Exactly what I tell my ex. He seems to grasp this concept when it's about how anyone treats him. He felt he treated people fairly. I'd have to agree but with me it seemed to be inconsistent. It was like reminding a child. He seems to ignore the saying when it's the other way around and I'm on the receiving end.

[Murbay]

willtimeheal, no truer a word spoken.

My ex's dysfunctional family ran much deeper. Although my ex claimed she was raped (the guy was found innocent but her insistence in taking her boss to a tribunal and some work colleagues because she didn't like something they said. As well as her smear campaigns against anyone who questioned her and false allegations against me, make we wonder otherwise) she believes she comes from a very influential family that is full of love, care and support. Part of the reason she has never moved out of the house.

However, her father was a violent alcoholic in his younger years but got his act together and became a mindless, unemotional drone who panders to every demand of her mother. Her mother is a controlling, abusive narcissist who demands everybody bow down to her superiority. They have no actual friends, only family members. Her mother was raised by an abusive alcoholic before being put into a care system where she was abused. My ex's father ran away from home at 11 and cut off all members of his family before turning to drink. So it wasn't my ex that experienced all of the laundry list, it was her parents. My ex fails to see the impact that their parenting had on the way she was raised and has adopted their thinking patterns and way of life.

Her father told me one night that if his wife told him to disown his own children, he would do that in a heartbeat because she is ALWAYS right, even when she is wrong and that is what love is. This talk came about because I was having difficulties with my exgf over access to my daughter and was supposed to disown my daughter in favour of my wife. Something I didn't do and something that became a sticking point because my ex was jealous of the love I had for my daughter.

Did I give my ex power over me? In so many ways, yes I did and I lost my own identity in the process. The only boundary that stood firm was that I would not allow myself to be forced into the position of choosing between my ex and my children. In my world I had equal love for both my children and my wife and that's how I believed things should be. In her world, my daughter was taking the attention away from her and she didn't like it. The worst part about this was my daughter was 1000's of miles away and the only contact I had with her was a 30 minute phone call once a week, yet this was still too much for my ex.

My children were my lock box. I allowed my ex to destroy everything else in my life but I guarded my children with my life and became a fortress to protect them. I think that was the deciding point in our relationship, the only power she couldn't take from me. I'm very sure of it because she always said that if my daughter was a little older, things would be different or ask why I couldn't love her the same way I loved my daughter. I loved them equally but I was angry that she didn't see she got all of my time and my daughter only got 30 minutes once a week.

[VeryFree]

Why do we let them have that kind of power over us?

I think it is a combination of our beings and trauma.

Our beings:

Having a r/s with a BPD, espec a long r/s, for a lot of us happen, because of our own problems: self-esteem issues, codependency, and so on. That are the same problems that will make sure that every mail from them gets us back down. So: work on those problems!

Our trauma:

In our r/s a lot has happened. A lot of us have started out okay, but were broke down untill below the knees during our r/s with our BPD. That isn't something that will pass in a few weeks. That's something that's a serious trauma. We'll have to deal with that.

[Deleted]

willtimeheal & Murbay, are you guys sure we didn't date the same girl?  our stories are so similar it's scary. My ex also claimed rape and she stated that she had physical proof however, she never filed a complaint or anything :'(. It tore me up inside to a point that I wasn't sleeping, eating, I was a zombie. In large part because she would talk about it 4-5 days out the week. In 3 months I was already hearing the graphic play by play of that event even though I told her I'm not ready to hear that. She got upset and told me anyway. From that moment on, I knew I wouldnt be the same for a while. At this point, after being split black, hearing stories about BPD, I don't know if it's true. Call me cold and a huge effed up jerk but I find myself having doubts. Perhaps it was BPD distortion, waif personality, I mean really who the hell tells a person such deep trauamtic issues after a month or so that leaves space for questioning the validity. I forgave and let alot of things slide because of her claim. It also held me hostage because I wanted to leave but I felt as if my leaving would send her into a deeper downward spiral.

Veryscared is right- I guess we give them such power after the break up because they broke us down and leave us damn near traumatized. With every arguement things would escalate for the worse. I thought one day she was going to frame me or something and put me in jail just to spite me had I not left her.   My family said the same thing. "Leave, things will only get worse and in her rage she's going to do something to spite you, god knows, maybe you will end up in jail or something". Chilling. CHILLING.

[willtimeheal]

My bPD told me some boy friends in high school took advantage of her. She never pressed charges. And her father was  willing to sell her for drugs when she was little. Do I believe her?  Actually I do. Knowing her father and what an ___ he is it wouldn't surprise me. What happens  to me was I felt so bad that I tried to protect her from any pain in the world. I thought if i could do that then she would be ok. But her pain was  internal and she needed to deal with it on her own. I let her trauma traumatized me. And I got dragged into her world trying to protect her. She didn't want someone to protect her. She wanted a knight in shining amour to come along and take her to a magical place where there is no pain... . her fantasy world. We all know such a place doesn't exist. And when she realized I couldn't take her pain away she hammered me for it. And until I realized what was going on I took those emotional beatings over and over... . sadly because I loved her and cared. And I didn't want to be another disappointment in her life. But there comes a time when you realize the only person that you can't disappoint is yourself.

[Murbay]

I thought one day she was going to frame me or something and put me in jail just to spite me had I not left her.   My family said the same thing. "Leave, things will only get worse and in her rage she's going to do something to spite you, god knows, maybe you will end up in jail or something". Chilling. CHILLING.

My family had similar thoughts too. She was aware my friends and family had suspicions and systematically tried to turn everybody against each other. To be honest, there were so many lies coming out of her mouth (often tied to a tiny fraction of truth) that I was in the stages of believing her. I would question myself as to why she would lie? She didn't have anything to gain from it, or so I thought.

It wasn't until her/my T said the same things to me that I paid serious attention to what was being said. He definitely had no reason to lie and he knew exactly what he was dealing with. When I decided I was staying, he worked hard to try and teach me some tools and techniques to protect me and he stood by me even after I left the country. I stayed for a number of reasons, the kids, my own guilt etc... . but also for similar reasons to you Deleted. I actually felt guilty for having doubts but also because I saw the little child who needed rescuing.

As for the speed of our relationship. I pretty much knew of all the bad things in her life within 4 days and she was pushing towards marriage after 8 days. I didn't actually meet her until about 8 weeks in. The first time we spoke, she was on her way back from the cancer clinic because they suspected she had cancer. Turns out she didn't and nothing more was said about that. Wow, all the red flags, I could have probably given one to each person in China.

He often reminds me that she is a very dangerous individual who lacks empathy and only wants to control. So yes, I gave her that power over me but I gained that control back.

[Deleted]

willtimeheal,

Like Murbay said just now, I too believed it because what do they gain from telling such powerful things?

I was depressed. I cried alot. I had apathy for months and I was starting to develop a sleeping disorder from that. It was constant. That's all I heard about. She would cry every week and I just thought about the flashbacks she must be having oh god. I wanted to become transparent to reach into her mind and take away her poison. I wanted to not see her suffer. I wanted to run away but if I did I thought she would hurt herself. I shut down and just took it. I hated myself for a long time for doing that. In my year of NC, I would randomly cry every now and then out of anger, out of frustration, out of why did that happen (if it did). I don't think she was truly. I've thought about it everyday and I don't think anyone would just say it so quickly and use it as a form of manipulation like how she has on several occasions. She used her abuse after the real bad arguements in order to gain control and so I can stop being mad at her. How dare you use such a powerful word as a tool for manipulation! .

I agree with you murbay, perhaps they want control now of their "loved one" because they had no control as a child and they're willing to use any story or waif BS to get it.

[Xtrange]

The power and the control happen to me right now.  I didn’t know that the constant calls and texts were a way of control. With them, she knows where I was, and then she can do all the cheating. And at the end I was terrified to look at their texts.