Once a golden child... what happens after NC?

[Depression = 72% of members]

 

I have a question that I've been researching concerning my DH and his uBPD/NPD mother.

DH was the child MIL "idolized." (her words) However, we have been NC for all but maybe a year (after a couple of attempted reconciliations) since 1988. DH's brother stuck by MIL's side, turning his back on us. I'm not sure if he filled in as the golden child because he had always been the bad one and it was talked about freely among family/friends... . no secret there.

Last November, DH decided he wanted to get back in contact with his parents before something happened to them since they are in their 70's now. It was to be limited, and he didn't expect that they had changed their ways but that he was wise to the way they operate and could hold them to largely unspoken boundaries. I supported his need to re-engage, but the kids and I asked to be kept out of it. Our kids are ages 14, 18, 21, 23, 24, 26, and 28. Yes, you read correctly... . we have 7 terrific individuals! Not to mention 3 adorable grands! Now, we live several states away from the IL's... . thank Heavens, so visits are more than rare.

My question is... . will MIL try to re-instate DH to his former "golden" position after so many years, and being so disappointed in him and so heart-broken by him? In uBPD/NPD MIL's mind, DH was the one who turned his back on them, for no good reason of course. MIL recently told someone that because of DH and I, she can never trust anyone ever again! Always in victim status... . always. Did DH ruin his chances (ha ha... . we can only hope) of being "idolized" again? What happens when the golden child rejects the BPD/NPD Mother? Any insight much appreciated since I worry about this quite frequently.

Thanks a bunch!

[jbtalt6]

 

I have a question that I've been researching concerning my DH and his uBPD/NPD mother.

DH was the child MIL "idolized." (her words) However, we have been NC for all but maybe a year (after a couple of attempted reconciliations) since 1988. DH's brother stuck by MIL's side, turning his back on us. I'm not sure if he filled in as the golden child because he had always been the bad one and it was talked about freely among family/friends... . no secret there.

Last November, DH decided he wanted to get back in contact with his parents before something happened to them since they are in their 70's now. It was to be limited, and he didn't expect that they had changed their ways but that he was wise to the way they operate and could hold them to largely unspoken boundaries. I supported his need to re-engage, but the kids and I asked to be kept out of it. Our kids are ages 14, 18, 21, 23, 24, 26, and 28. Yes, you read correctly... . we have 7 terrific individuals! Not to mention 3 adorable grands! Now, we live several states away from the IL's... . thank Heavens, so visits are more than rare.

My question is... . will MIL try to re-instate DH to his former "golden" position after so many years, and being so disappointed in him and so heart-broken by him? In uBPD/NPD MIL's mind, DH was the one who turned his back on them, for no good reason of course. MIL recently told someone that because of DH and I, she can never trust anyone ever again! Always in victim status... . always. Did DH ruin his chances (ha ha... . we can only hope) of being "idolized" again? What happens when the golden child rejects the BPD/NPD Mother? Any insight much appreciated since I worry about this quite frequently.

Thanks a bunch!

[jdtm]

I don't know what will happen in your husband's situation; nonetheless, this is my story. 

Several years ago, our DIL (now our ex-DIL for almost five years) decided that I was the "evil" one and had nothing to do with me for the last several years of our son's marriage to her.  Finally, she left our son and abandoned her children.  What does this have to do with your husband, you ask?  Well, not more than a month ago, she asked me to be a "friend" on her Facebook page.  Huh? 

I really think that time seems to erase memories in some BPD's minds - both good and bad memories.  Anyway, just one opinion ... .

[jbtalt6]

Thanks for the reply!

They are strange in their thinking, aren't they? I don't doubt if I picked up the phone to call MIL, we'd be BFFs in no time! She'd spend 3 or 4 hours talking only of herself, I'd become a scarce supply source for her, and we would pretend all the terrible things she did never even happened. Now she would SAY that she didn't trust me, but her need for supply would overrule my un-trustworthiness.

I'll never understand them, and hope my DH can stay detached.

[ScarletOlive]

Heya jbtalt6,

I come from a family of 5 kids, so I'm used to big families. And I understand your situation well - I was the golden child of my BPD mother too. It's very difficult to hold to boundaries, I know. The main thing is keeping yourselves safe, and that includes emotionally safe. People with BPD can forget things via dissociation, but they also view people as all good or all bad to protect themselves. It hurts a great deal to face up to the fact that someone can both be a good person and yet do hurtful things, so to spare herself the pain, your MIL views your DH as amazing or horrible. It's a tough disorder to have. The main thing is for you and your DH to set boundaries of what you are comfortable with. How much contact do you want? What forms of contact are safe?

You don't want to be drawn back into the dysfunction. That's awesome! Boundaries are the way to keep that from happening. Have you set boundaries with her? How did she respond?

[jbtalt6]

Hi Scarlet! Thanks for the feed-back.

Let me ask this: if someone doesn't want a relationship with the BPD (basically rejecting them), do they cease to exist to the BPD person? MIL barely brings up our kids, and never brings me up AT ALL. She knows we don't want a relationship with her, but has never been told not to speak of us. If I knew someone didn't want a relationship WITH ME, I would be concerned as to why, and what can I do to make things better. Truth be told there is nothing she can do, but why doesn't she feel bad? I get it, but I don't... . kwim?

Boundaries are just acted on, not spelled out. If something were to come up, DH would verbalize the boundary. He's a "take it as it comes" guy. He did inform them the kids and I weren't interested in a relationship and if we change our minds, we know where to find them. I guess that's a boundary of sorts. But he does listen to her babble on the phone for hours and tunes her out generally.

I have a hard time getting past the fact that she seemingly has no conscience... .

Have a good night!

[GeekyGirl]

Let me ask this: if someone doesn't want a relationship with the BPD (basically rejecting them), do they cease to exist to the BPD person? MIL barely brings up our kids, and never brings me up AT ALL. She knows we don't want a relationship with her, but has never been told not to speak of us. If I knew someone didn't want a relationship WITH ME, I would be concerned as to why, and what can I do to make things better. Truth be told there is nothing she can do, but why doesn't she feel bad?

Do you know that she doesn't feel bad? It's likely a coping mechanism that your MIL is using to deal with the pain of abandonment. Remember that at the root of BPD is an intense fear of abandonment, and when someone decides not to have a relationship, that's essentially abandoning the person and the relationship. Whether she has a conscience or not is really hard to say. She might feel bad about how your relationship has gone, and she may feel like a victim and may be seeking out the validation and support of others to help her deal with those feelings without resolving them in a healthier way. Not talking about you might also be sending the message that you're not important to her.

[jbtalt6]

Do I think she feels bad? Nope, she doesn't because she doesn't think she did anything wrong. She's had almost 30 yrs. to apologize and try to make things better. She hasn't and she's had several opportunities along the way. She is absolutely the victim! She doesn't understand how we could turn our backs on her despite the hateful letters she's sent throughout the years... . one where she said she would pretend that DH (her son) had died. Or when she found out through the grapevine that we were expecting a baby, she sent me a postcard saying I was no better than a dog because I had 3 kids in 4 years. Or the fact that she wouldn't let any of DH's extended family have a relationship with him/us. I could go on and on.

No doubt she doesn't ask about me or acknowledge me because I'm not important enough for her to care about. I'm aware of that. I don't put up with her bs... . as long as I was kissing her *ss she loved me! When I stood up to her and stopped being a "supply" for her, I was diminished to dirt beneath her feet... . not worthy to acknowledge. She's made that clear. I refuse to let her do that to my children though.

She's taken too much of my life. I have to find a way to not let this continue.

Thanks for the feed-back.

[Levi78]

I have a feeling your husband would be "golden child" again just minutes after renewing contact. My uBPD mom flip-flopped all the time between my brother and I -- there was no real logic behind these shifts in opinion. Basically, whoever was with her at that moment was "golden" and the absent child was a disappointment and fodder for bashing.

My brother has been NC for 4+ years now, and I am LC. He has no intention of returning before she dies. We've worked out our strategy: I'll personally arrange and escort her through the transition-to-death stuff; he'll basically fund everything.

Sounds harsh, but it's hard to feel love for someone who wrecked your childhood. My brother and I spent years trying to encourage a healthy relationship with her -- total waste of time. All she is to us is an inconvenience. Thank goodness for nursing homes!

[onehoonose]

 jbtalt6,

I feel for you. My DH was formerly the "golden one" and he is usually default for that until he asserts himself with his parents (which didn't happen much until recently - now I have to say he is a force to be reckoned with). Now his sister who his father raged about for 2 years whenever we were in earshot is the golden child. There is always an excuse now for his sister now matter how contemptable her behavior is.

An NPDs world is so malleable. Things can change on a dime. For example my husband and I decided not to go to a relatives wedding even though it was literally two miles down the road from where we live. His father didn't miss the opportunity to go and act like some sort of grandiose patriarch. I can't prove it of course but based on how he raged about his daughter for two years, I feel certain he trashed us to everyone he could there. Then he has the nerve to show up on our doorstep after we have been NC for 6 months and pretend like nothing has ever happened and that he didn't say anything bad about us at the wedding. Again, I can't prove he said things but this is a man who out of earshot said at his own granddaughters graduation that she wasn't as smart as her brother (not true). And he wasn't upset with her either. I have seen him in action way too long not to believe he didn't run us down.

All of that to say that they have hurt feelings that they "punish" you for and when that hurt is somewhat alleviated they disassociate and can even start believing that they have never done those things to punish you. My sympathies and best wishes to you. DH and I are grasping for what to do even though we are NC now. His folks are in their 80s which adds even more pressure to figure out the right thing to do.