I need a friend...

[Sadsue]

Hi all

Some of you may have read my post last week about dealing with the hatred, well things have got even worse and as no one in real life knows my pain I have to confide it here.

We had a good day on Saturday but now for an unknown reason we have gone backwards.  Last night I asked if he hated me, he replied "yes I hate you"

Today I sent him a text saying I would let him go being as I made him so unhappy.  He exploded, threatening texts, going to burn the house down, wants to burn me because that's what they do to witches? 

He's not coming home because he needs space, he made comments such as "watch your back pathetic bhit" and "I deserve revenge for what you've done to me".  I've done nothing but he needs to be anger with something all the time and 99.9% of the time that's me.   I told him I will call the police if he does anything and just got texts back like "ooh I'm scared" etc.  What do I do?

I don't want to get police involved because I don't want to get him in trouble.  He has quietened down now and not contacted me for 5 hours.  Why is life so hard?

I just need a friend to vent to.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Lao Tzu]

Dear Sue,

     The most important thing right now is for you to be safe.  Later on you will have time to consider the nature of life; right now you just need to preserve yours.  These kind of comments are extremely dangerous, perhaps the most dangerous a person can make.  If you don't have a safe escape plan (that is, someone or somewhere pre-arranged to take you in that he won't know about), I personally suggest you just the heck out anyway.  Figure out the plan while you're getting safer.

     As far as not telling anyone 'real' about this for fear of getting him into trouble, let me say that if he killls you or someone else (and there's always someone else -- sorry) what kind of trouble will he be in then?  If he gets help now (even though it has to be forced on him by the authorities) he will have a chance for a life in the 'real' world. 

     By the way, I keep putting marks around the word real as it's my humble opinion that the world you are reaching through your computer at the moment might be a little more real than the one you think you're living in.  Just sayin'

     Get safe right now.  You need that more than a friend even right now.

LT

[briefcase]

Hi Sadsue, sorry you are going through a tough time with him right now.  We all know how that can be.  

If he has BPD or traits of BPD, he's going to be like this sometimes.  It's just a fact.  It helps tremendously to keep that fact in context and not let it get to you so personally.  Think of his moods like you think of the weather outside.  It changes frequently.  Some days its pleasant.  Other days its unpleasant.  Some days it can be a little frightening.  And, you didn't cause it and can't control it.  

What you can control is your own behavior.  If it's raining, you carry an umbrella or stay inside, you don't try to make the rain stop (it's pointless to try).  In the same way, if he's in a vile mood or dyregulated, you can enforce your boundaries and take care of your self and your own needs some other way, you don't try to make his mood all better or wish he was different (it's just as pointless).  

He owns his own emotions and behaviors. Let him have them.  You get to own your own emotions and your own behaviors.  Right now, you are giving him a lot of power over you.  It's like standing in the rain and not opening your umbrella.

Have you read the Lessons recently?  It might help to look over some of the detachment and seperation of stuff lessons.  

[Gueneviere]

Sue, I feel your pain.

My husband has been telling me how he hates me, doesn't love me, that I've been a b**ch ever since he married me, that he didn't even want to marry me, that I disgust him, he never wants to sleep with me again, that I'm pathetic and he hates me because I'm a mean person. This coming from a man who has made me sleep on the couch since Saturday, made me walk two miles in the heat to pick up my car while he sat home, told me if I used his truck he'd report it stolen, told me the only reason I'm not dead is because he doesn't want to go to jail.

The only thing I've "done to him" is try to budget our bank account since I am the only one working now and he has been slowly draining it down. I guess he sees this as an attack. He's been begging for a divorce for the last week. This is how he has dealt with issues we don't see eye to eye on for the last three years however -- he skips trying to talk or compromise or work out a mutually acceptable solution and sees breaking up / divorce / me moving out / all of the above as the only solution.

Last night I tried to take his hand and tell him I loved him, and he recoiled as if a poisonous snake had bit him, saying I was invading his space.

Today he has finally started reciprocating my texts, although it's all centered around how he can only stay with me if I stop my bhiting and yelling. I have dealt with this cycle for three years with him. It's no different being married than when we were dating. He throws the word divorce around like marriage is some kind of joke. At one time we really were best friends but his behavior when he feels scorned for any reason has only become more cruel.

We had to put down his dog about three weeks ago which he was very close to, and about a week ago we both quit smoking. I have to believe these were serious triggers to this particular episode. There usually does seem to be something that triggers this sort of thing, and while he's going to try his best to make you feel like you're the cause of it, I'd be willing to bet it's not you at all. In my husband's case I think the abandonment fears are going off everywhere (dog, cigarettes) so his solution? Abandon the marriage & me... . because in his mind he feels that's a situation he can control. Doesn't make it any easier.

I have been through instances where a "normal" person would probably have called the police... . and I can't explain why I never did. In my own way I'm probably as messed up as he is. I don't know that there's any advice I can or should give you. I can tell you that this past weekend things got so bad that I went and talked to his parents about what was going on, and they were very understanding and gave me a key to their house if I needed somewhere to go. I can't say that would work in everyone's situation, although it helped me to some extent.

As briefcase mentioned, this is how it will be as long as you are with him. I didn't want to believe that for a long time but I know we will cycle back and forth forever as long as we are together. He will threaten awful things, but in my case, his actually ACTING on them is a whole different story. And we will cycle back and fall in love again for awhile, until the next time. I am not blind to his sickness. I've chosen this path. I'm not very good at dealing with it yet and I have a lot to learn from the lessons.

Again, this is just me. Trust your gut on this one. If you do not feel safe then please get help... . at least let someone know and do make sure there is a place you can go if things get out of hand.

If it's a pattern you've seen before though, it's going to be more a matter of riding out the storm.

[Chosen]

Last night I asked if he hated me, he replied "yes I hate you"

Today I sent him a text saying I would let him go being as I made him so unhappy.  He exploded, threatening texts, going to burn the house down, wants to burn me because that's what they do to witches? 

He's not coming home because he needs space, he made comments such as "watch your back pathetic bhit" and "I deserve revenge for what you've done to me".  I've done nothing but he needs to be anger with something all the time and 99.9% of the time that's me.   I told him I will call the police if he does anything and just got texts back like "ooh I'm scared" etc.  What do I do?

Hi Sadsue,

First of all,  I want to say that I can completely relate to what you're going through.  I have been through lots of abusive hate texts over the past few years, but ever since I came to this site I have learnt certain things and the situation has improved a bit now. 

When you asked him whether he hated you, what did you have in mind?  Perhaps there’s a little bit of you that wanted him to reassure you that he in fact didn’t hate you?  I asked a lot of these questions and I know that was what I wanted.  Of course every time I was disappointed.  My C suggested me not to repeat the strong words he used, like “hate”.  It just reinforces his feelings at that time.

Also, suggesting leaving either will trigger his fear of abandonment or make him feel threatened.  Unless you are really packing your bags and leave, don’t tell him you’d better leave.  If he wanted to separate he would have left, right?  You didn’t tie him there and keep him imprisoned.  He stays because he chose to.  Don’t let his “victim” mentality fool you. 

My H used to threaten me a lot, saying he deserves to treat me badly because I treat him badly, and so on.  Now I simply respond that “I do not respond to threats.”  He is trying to lure you into a fight, and you know they always win.  So don’t engage, keep safe, but this conversation has gone beyond the point of validation.  Don’t respond to him anymore (he will try to make you re-engage), but let him know it is because of the things he say that you will not respond.

[Sadsue]

Thank you all for your advice, very much appreciated.  He didn't come home last night and I flipped, I asked him if he was cheating and this caused an enormous row.  I don't really think he is so dont know why I said it.  Now he really does have something to be annoyed about... . gggrrrhhhh when will I learn.

He's home tonight but is in the spare room, had a text saying don't come in, don't speak to him.  I am respecting this so haven't actually seen him.

The house is still standing and no more threats.  I need to give him chance to calm down, this could take days.

As I am typing this I can hear him banging around,  I think he is trying to get my attention so I go in and break the agreement.  I'm not going to bite I will leave him be.  I feel much calmer tonight so don't want to ruin that.

Thanks again for the advice and for listening.

[Gueneviere]

I notice this too. H can be in total silent treatment mode, we can be sleeping in separate rooms, yet he'll always manage to slam doors and make a lot of unnecessary noise... . best you can do is let him come out on his own.

Hang in there... .

[Chosen]

My H bangs on things, slam doors... . all those stuff as well.

It's a bait.  Don't take it.  They're being childish in their expression and don't let it tempt you to initiate a conversation, because then it will be about a minor topic instead of the real issue- their diversion will be successful.