Is it me? Looking for honest advice

[mggt]

My d is going on vacation with new boyfriend of 3 months and taking my gd with them for a week.  All I asked her is what city and state and the name of his relative they were staying with.  Just in case something happens and I know where they are she has a cell phone but always... . it was dead.  Her reaction was over the top to these questions said she is an adult we are overeacting and so on.  She asked me to make a list of what she should bring f   or my gd gave her suitcase clothes for baby sun tanning stuff sun hats all the above to make sure baby was covered with supplies for trip.  I dont think me asking this was wrong is it me? I am starting to wonder doubting myself but we do so much for her and gd we figured it was just common courtesy and concern to ask where and who they are staying with .  Our situation is we have to act like mutes dont speak dont ask anything but the mom and grandmom kicks in Is This Wrong our d is always asking for help and we give it happily .  I would feel terrible if I did not ask the fear fear of my d getting upset I think it is worth it to make sure if anything happens i know at least where to start looking ,according to her the bf thinks we are rediculos we only met him once and he is older than her by roughly 6 years so we dont know much about him btw we only got the state and city she is staying in.  So is it me I would love to hear from other moms and grandmoms how should I have handled it getting so sick of being a mute and being told to f off ahhhhhhhhhhh

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[musicfan42]

Your daughter is just taking you for granted here. You said yourself that you're always doing stuff for her-maybe you should try not doing stuff for her... . not babysitting etc and then see how she likes it! This is probably blunt but you asked for honest advice. How old is your daughter? If she's over 18, then she needs to start getting on with her own life without relying on her parents all the time.

I'm not a mother/grandmother though so feel free to agree/disagree!

[js friend]

Hi mggt,

My dd18 has done the same in the past... . either given me the wrong info and half of it missing especially if b/f is involved somehow. It makes me wonder if they think we will really turn up to spy on them or something.

Iam now a new grandma and I dont think i would have handled it any differently from you., It just makes sense to know these details incase of emergencies.

I find that the more I press any issue the  less likely my dd is to see sense sometimes, so if it were me I wouldnt say anymore on this matter. Also dont worry what she says  b/f says either. My dd will often do the same. Says so and so said this and that to back her behaviour up when it isnt actually so.

Hopefully your dd will leave you some contact details but if not try to keep yourself busy and try not to dwell on things.If you do get the chance to speak to her before she leaves just Keep it upbeat and wish her a good vacation.

While she is away you could look at putting some boundries in place especially around the tone of language she is using with you.

It is unacceptable to be spoken to in that way mental illness or not  

[momontherun]

In my family its common courtesy to notify at least 2 different people alternative ways they can be reached, where going and how long when taking a trip or has a dramatic change in schedule as anything could happen at anytime to anyone... . its a safety issue like the schools needing at least 3 alternate numbers with one being out of state.

Besides being a safety issue, there are times when my little sister (hubby in military) has called being lost and unfamiliar with an area and needed some help locating a hotel, hospital or even an alternative route knowing someone could look it up on the internet for her instead of driving around aimlessly or asking someone making herself a target - has read a lot about identity theft, human trafficking etc so a bit paranoid but with good reason as these things are very real.

Cell phones are great but I think are quite over rated ... . the batteries do need to be charged (I forget too), ringers get muted unintentionally (my mom) or aren't loud enough if in a pocket or purse (almost everyone I know), calls can't get through if out of range of a network -some do roam with extra charges but most have this feature deactivated, they get lost (my brothers), broken by being dropped (my sisters) or by drowning (everyone I know with kids), stolen, misplaced etc.

So I think your intentions were valid just perhaps not the execution? My dd jumps to her own conclusions taking most things out of context and focus on any negative that may be there no matter how teensy tiny it is even if its not brought up. You could tell her the weather has been 75-80 degrees breaking all kinds of records almost daily for this time of year as its usually in the 60's, some rain would be nice... . she would hear its too hot and a fire could start up and get out of control burning everyone up (true story) So I have had to learn to tell her even the most mundane things differently like The weather has been so very nice, can you believe we are all getting suntans? So your DD may have viewed you wanting the information as lack of trust, incompetent etc... . totally out of context focusing on any negative aspect to back up her thoughts/feelings at the time as to why you would need that information.

She is probably having a lot of mixed feelings as anyone would taking a trip like this- stressed/worried she will forget something, excited to go somewhere different, nervous not really knowing anyone, doubting if she could handle it etc... . Perhaps you could validate those feelings so she can hear what your saying then ask if there is anything you could do that would make it easier for her to get ready? like look up tourist hot spots/attractions for the area and time of year, look up what the local weather has been like/what its usually like etc and work your way up to a land line phone number ya know in case something happens to a family member while she is gone as cell phones are nice but aren't always reliable - With a phone number you could do a reverse phone number look up to get a last name, address etc.

[mggt]

Dear Music, Thank you for your frankness but total different ballgame when it comes to our children and especially grandchildren but... . you are correct she should take care of self but... . that dam BPD  


Dear Js friend,  Thank you also my d is almost 21 and knows everything I have tried every which way to ask concern excitement nothing works will not tell me much been dealing with disease for years.