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How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
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Author Topic: Your thoughts please?  (Read 597 times)
crystalclear
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« on: June 26, 2013, 10:29:27 AM »

I have not been very well for the past month, so i decided to visit my friends who live in India.

Yesterday i met my very close friend who met my exbf couple of times, and told me then that i cannot get a better guy. I told my friend of the break up, and also told him how this person went on to meet another girl in just 2 months and 4 months later married her. My friend knows nothing about BPD/NPD (i did not want to disclose any details).

What my friend told me next was heart breaking to hear leave alone to comprehend or acceptable. He said, "you need to understand a guy's perspective no matter how chauvanistic it might sound. Guys usually do not sit and grieve a break up for long- as this makes them feel weak and since he left you he does not want to feel vulnerable to call you or return to you, which he knows might happen if he takes time to feel or deal with. He looks for a quick fix - a replacement and move on. Also, it would be too much effort to put to work things out with you , re-convince his parents as you called off the wedding etc. It would be simpler and easier if he met a new girl who his parents would approve of (same caste/culture and family values) and this time WASTE NO MORE TIME, and simply get engaged and get married. Love will eventually happen. They still are doing what they wanted to do with you - like a couple. Guys usually move on do not show emotions and suppress it which in time will fade away, as they have someone new now. You also need to do the same - just move on date guys, and get serious and get married... . everything will fall into place automatically"

I was speechless, not because i heard this for the first time but because this is exactly what my family said.

My exbf was an Indian too, hence arranged marriage was not a shocker - but what was unbelievanly hurtful and beyond comprehension is that this guy who loved me, said I was his mate for life, wanted to marry me, and our families met - would leave me just because he was frustrated of our arguements, had no conviction in our r/s bc of this, more than anything else go complete NC. Find and settled with someone new within 5 months.


Things like this make me doubt if he has no disorder. I question my own analysis of my exbf. And if i am misinterpreting the whole thing.

I know his traits match most of the BPD/NPD range, based on my observations and memories of his behavior - cannot find a validation. And this absence of validation is making it very difficult for me to heal.

When people what happened to me was 'wrong/sad' but 'it's normal' behavior - i am lost.
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stop2think
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« Reply #1 on: June 27, 2013, 06:37:49 AM »

Crystal,

I have been in the same situation. My exbf is from the culture, and he got into another arranged marriage. I am no expert but i think they do not want to deal with the pain and simply replace.

I think they had abandoned us inside their head even before they actually leave us. Some of my friends say the same as well. Prolly it is to do with the society that influences them as a child that 'Men don't cry'. Hence they are conditioned that way, which adds to their perception of broken relationships.

I really feel for you... . I know it must be very painful... . Hang in there, we all are here to help each other in this path of recovery.

Take care of yourself.

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Rose Tiger
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
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« Reply #2 on: June 27, 2013, 08:00:54 AM »

Sounds like something a person unaware of personality disorders might say.  If a partner can so easily dismiss feelings like that, marriage would not be a very happy one.  Marriage with someone that doesn't care how you feel is hell on earth.  You escaped a very bad situation. 
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Pretty Woman
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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1683


The Greatest Love is the Love You Give Yourself


« Reply #3 on: June 27, 2013, 10:32:22 AM »

Crystal Clear,

  This is hard to hear but you deserve better than someone who rejects you.

I know you loved him with all your heart but he is ill and incapable of loving you back. The words never matched the actions and you looking for clarity (you may never get) is looking for reason and since you are not getting it you are blaming yourself.

Many people loved my ex and told me she was a catch. She was very dynamic and outgoing but they did not see how she treated me outside our public relationship. There were a lot of red flags I did not see until afterwards.

I can see you are loving and kind. Do not beat yourself up. Feel sorry he will never have a happy relationship.

But you DO have the chance.
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crystalclear
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« Reply #4 on: June 28, 2013, 02:52:28 AM »

Thank you very much rose tiger and earth angel for your responses. It's just a very rough phase i am going through for sometime now.

It just feels even more terrible when they just move on like we meant nothing or they hate us now. My exbf said the most painful things in our last conversation. He was both cold and angry - because he had someone new, and better in the way he looks at it.

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crystalclear
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« Reply #5 on: June 28, 2013, 02:54:32 AM »

Prolly it is to do with the society that influences them as a child that 'Men don't cry'. Hence they are conditioned that way, which adds to their perception of broken relationships.

That's sad isn't it? !

Thanks you S2T... . i relate to your experience a lot too... .  
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