Hi Ittookthislong and
just had a breakup where either i or he has BPD and figuring it out is making me feel nuts... . if anyone can help with these concepts id appreciate it, they seem so abstract that i cant seem to get it.
I'll see if I can describe these ideas in a way that makes sense to you.
i cannot wrap my head around this idea of a fractured or false self. Ive read that BPDs dont know that what they present is a false self, so how in the world should i know if i have a false self and a hidden self, and how would someone else be able to tell that about someone else.
Consider people with multiple personalities disorder. Now-a-days it's called Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID), because the key psychological disordered behavior is "dissociation" which can be described as "disconnecting" or "compartmentalizing". People with DID create for themselves whole, but separate "identities" or "personalities" to deal with the different stressful circumstances they face.
People with borderline personality disorder (pwBPD) exhibit "severe dissociative behaviors" as well as "identity disturbances". My understanding is that they form "identities" or "personalities" based on to whom they attach themselves, which is why so many nons describe their BPD loved ones as their "soul mates", "love of their life" or "perfect match" because the pwBPD fashioned their identity to best enmesh with their non. This is what is often described as their "false self."
My understanding is that their "true self" is the child that originally suffered their primary abandonment trauma, who is displaced or "disconnected" originally in order to survive the trauma, but continues to be repressed because the pwBPD does not have the resources or wherewithal to come to terms with that original trauma.
How you the world would you know if you have a false or hidden self? :)o you still relate to people from different stages of your life? (i.e., friends from primary school, or high school, or college, or family of origin). :)o you relate to them in more or less the same ways? (i.e., do your politics, hobbies, disposition change depending upon whom you are with?). :)o you have trouble recalling experiences from one set of intimates from another?
The thing is, I don't think you would be able to know if you suffered from it. But you might suspect if you felt there was a lot of missing information or missing memories that you'd think should be assessable. Moreover, if you suffered from it, you might be very resistant to someone trying to uncover it for you because what you would be hiding from are probably some memories you've spent most of your life suppressing.
It is much easier to discern if someone else is exhibiting these traits than to uncover it in yourself. But it still isn't easy. Basically, you would expect them to be who they are (or who you perceive them to be) when they are with you. But when they are with other people with whom they are close to, they would start to exhibit traits you wouldn't associate with the person you know. To you, they would seem like they are being "fake", while you feel like you know the "real" them. But as I understand it, who they are is quite malleable.
I exhibit a lot of the BPD qualities but i dont think i lie to myself. Also i get the gist that both NPD and BPD have false selves and people want you to work on that in therapy etc. but thing i dont get is that it sounds like BPD is selfishness, and a false self and they convince themselves they are nice and victims, while NPDs false self denys any real feelings. so if an NPD "worked on this" wouldnt he just be pretending to be nice and sensitive which would make him a BPD and if a BPD were to "work on their issues" they would just be trying to act like other normal folks while having a fractured self and then wouldnt that just make them an NPD?
I don't recall pwNPD having identity issues, they have different issues. This is not to say someone with NPD cannot also have BPD. But NPD is defined differently.
assuming you do have a false self and your able to identify it how are you supposed to heal. can normal people explain hpow one identifies their "real self"... . Im not trying to be argumentative, but anyone new to these concepts in relationship to a fairly new traumatic breakup, may identify how confusing this stuff can be.
Getting a pwBPD to identify that they are exhibiting a "false self" is all about recovery. And I think there is a long road before they can get to the point when they might identify their "true self." If you really want to learn about this, you might look into some of the books written by people who have recovered from BPD. One of the early steps for a pwBPD might be get dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT) in order to start learning how to temper their emotional states. Until they have new skills and abilities to process their emotions, they will not be able to even approach dealing with the core reasons of why they have a "false self" to begin with.
Then again, I don't know if learning all this, or trying to figure this out will help you in your own recovery from your BPD relationship? Why don't you focus what you need to do to come to terms with your pain and acceptance.
You are in the right place.
Best wishes, Schwing
