Hi Earth Angel and
I'll try to answer some of your questions based on my understanding of this disorder, borderline personality disorder (BPD). Hopefully, this will help you with your disengaging from your potentially disordered girlfriend.
On May 31st of this year my girlfriend broke up with me (this is a lesbian relationship). She has broken with me at least four times in our 11mo relationship and I can say I have been very co-dependent on her due to my "coming out" process.
She was my first same-sex relationship.
One of the diagnostic criteria for BPD is a "pattern of intense and unstable interpersonal relationship... . " To break up with you at least four times under a year sounds pretty unstable to me. You can decide if it was also intense or not.
If she was your first same-sex relationship, then never mind "co-dependency", I would expect you to be somewhat dependent and reliant on her.
This time she broke up with me because I cancelled dinner plans. She actually raged and came over to my house and demanded her key. She got physical. Called me later that evening crying that she "wanted" me.
You might consider that the reasons why she broke up with you have more to do with her disorder than she is willing to admit (even to herself). People with BPD (pwBPD) also deal with a disordered fear of abandonment, which is (by my observation) sometimes triggered by feelings of intimacy and familiarity. That is why at the beginning of your relationship, she did not act out in such a manner very much if at all. But as you two have become closer, and more like family (i.e., familial), it is possible that she has been slowly overwhelmed by her disordered fear that you would abandon her (which she imagines).
So in a sense, she does want to be close to you, but she doesn't understand that as she feels closer to you, she is at the same time overwhelmed by these disordered feelings that you mean to abandon, betray or denigrate her. Telling her otherwise does not mitigate these disordered feelings, they are a product of her disorder.
A week later she runs off to Minnesota (we are in IL) right into the arms of her ex from ten years ago (who is going through a divorce with her wife---ironically the woman she left my ex for.
They have stayed friends throughout our relationship and that always bothered me. A few months ago my ex started telling me her ex (L) wanted to kiss her and wanted her to go away with her for the 4th of July which she found inappropriate now that she was dating me.
I really trusted her.
So she leaves me and is headed to a cabin for the 4th, with this woman whose wife is still living with her until Sept.
Neither have immediate plans to move (and this woman has a house where my ex is in a lease until Feb).
So to make a long story short. During her return to her ex we meet and she tells me she still loves me very much but she needs to see if she can get her partner back (the one that got away). She cries and says she is conflicted.
Because pwBPD often experience these feelings throughout a relationship, it is common that they often have plans to leave you. Because the best way to avoid abandonment (even if it is only imagined), is to be the abandoner. So she did not just "stay friends" with her ex. Chances are she has been telling her ex of all the distorted feeling she has had with you (with you as the imagined abuser).
The odd thing is that her ex probably doesn't realize that she was put through the very same wringer when they were together before. Which is why she tells you that even though she "still loves [you] very much" (translation: please don't abandon me), she "needs to see if she can get her [ex] partner back" (translation: don't abandon me before I can abandon you). Of course she is conflicted. But she doesn't realize (or want to realize) that her problem is that she is disordered. Instead, she probably chooses to blame you, or her ex, or everyone except herself.
The next day she shows up at my spin class and is chatty with everyone. When she dumped me she asked me to respect her and she would go on certain days and this day was mine.
I didn't stay the whole class. It was awful. I am sure that gave her satisfaction. The thing is this. She dumped me. Why the hell would she show up to rub it in my face after saying she wants nothing to do with me? I did not acknowledge her and I am certain this was done to goad me.
She dumped you. But in her disordered mind, she had to dump you because you were going to abandon her. She is rubbing it in your face because, in her disordered mind, she beat you to the punch. And in her disordered mind, you are the one who is disordered. Because now she is in another relationship, no longer dealing with those disordered feelings she associated with you and for which chooses to blame you.
This was so hard finally coming out and my girlfriend dumps me. I am struggling with this but trying to find compassion with the fact she is ill. It's like blaming a 3yo for getting into the makeup you left out.
I would say it's more like blaming a 3 year old child that had accepted you as family, only to run away to child protective services (government agency) to report you for abuse, and then finds another family without ever missing you.
You can have compassion for people who are ill. But it is normal to feel anger towards those who abandon, betray and denigrate you.
I opened my heart and she is not capable of reciprocating, only projecting.
You opened your heart, and she broke it.
It really hurts that the woman who has been her 'best friend" through all this is back in the picture. I almost want it to fail to prove I am not crazy and this was not all me. Just very confused and sad. Hardest thing I've ever been through.
Chances are the woman who has been her best friend is not the person she described to you over the time you've been with her. Chances are she does not know a thing about you except the distorted perspective your girlfriend had described to her; and she is "rescuing" your girlfriend.
Why would you want to fail to prove that you are not disordered? To whom do you need to prove this? Do you question your own mental health? You shouldn't. You need to be you own best advocate, because I think you deserve it.
Two weeks prior she was looking at wedding rings for me.
Two weeks again, she was looking at wedding rings for you, and at the same time was probably dealing an overwhelming and imagined fear that you were going to dump her as soon as she put that ring on your finger.
You are in the right place.
Best wishes, Schwing
