A few more stabs

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I've really been doing a lot better lately coming to terms with the abuse and why he caused it.

Long story short, tomorrow is my birthday. In our parenting plan it states each parent gets to spend their birthday with the child.

When he picked her up this morning, he brought it up, to make sure I was picking up the baby for my birthday in the morning. I told him "yes of course! I was just about to remind you"

He then says "Oh good! I have plans for the weekend to meet my new girlfriends parents anyway" - a total un necessary , and obvious, stab at me. I've had a few chances to date new men and passed them up because of the fear of repercussions from the ex. I've remained single all this time. I believe he could be lying, or telling the truth about his new girlfriend, but either way it was such a stab that he made it a point to me.

Anyways, on my birthday tomorrow I've got a job interview. (yay! ) The deal with that is, I had an interview with them MONTHS ago when we were separated, and my ex told me that the place is run by a polygamist man with 13 wives and that I BETTER NOT go to the interview; because of my history of being abused by him psychologically I took his word as law and didn't go. Now I'm re scheduled to go in tomorrow and he put me down, telling me that it's not a 'real job'. Pretty sure he is projecting because he has worked as a chef all of his life and I'll be working for a cafe.

All in all , all of these stabs really brought me down. I need something uplifting. I thought it was a pretty good start to let my feelings out here because they are overwhelming me right now. 

[motherof1yearold]

I've really been doing a lot better lately coming to terms with the abuse and why he caused it.

Long story short, tomorrow is my birthday. In our parenting plan it states each parent gets to spend their birthday with the child.

When he picked her up this morning, he brought it up, to make sure I was picking up the baby for my birthday in the morning. I told him "yes of course! I was just about to remind you"

He then says "Oh good! I have plans for the weekend to meet my new girlfriends parents anyway" - a total un necessary , and obvious, stab at me. I've had a few chances to date new men and passed them up because of the fear of repercussions from the ex. I've remained single all this time. I believe he could be lying, or telling the truth about his new girlfriend, but either way it was such a stab that he made it a point to me.

Anyways, on my birthday tomorrow I've got a job interview. (yay! ) The deal with that is, I had an interview with them MONTHS ago when we were separated, and my ex told me that the place is run by a polygamist man with 13 wives and that I BETTER NOT go to the interview; because of my history of being abused by him psychologically I took his word as law and didn't go. Now I'm re scheduled to go in tomorrow and he put me down, telling me that it's not a 'real job'. Pretty sure he is projecting because he has worked as a chef all of his life and I'll be working for a cafe.

All in all , all of these stabs really brought me down. I need something uplifting. I thought it was a pretty good start to let my feelings out here because they are overwhelming me right now. 

[Cumulus]

Happy birthday to you... . I hope your day is wonderful, that you remember what a unique and special person you are. Every bit as special as that beautiful baby. My birthday wish for you is love for yourself and lots of it. Oh, and an amazing and wonderful job offer because they'll be so lucky to get you.

[motherof1yearold]

Thank you so much Cumulus, I share the same wish myself . Ready for life to get better.

[Cumulus]

Happy birthday. Hope the job interview went well and you and one year old are celebrating big time.

[P.F.Change]

Happy birthday!

I've had a few chances to date new men and passed them up because of the fear of repercussions from the ex. I've remained single all this time. I believe he could be lying, or telling the truth about his new girlfriend, but either way it was such a stab that he made it a point to me.

What do you expect? This is what bullies do... . they find a weak spot and dig in. He wants it to hurt. But why does it matter to you? Wouldn't it be funny just to step back and think, "Wow, he has nothing better to do than try to make me jealous. Little does he know... . " I'm sure the new girl will figure out soon enough what he is really like.

Does your ex get to decide whom you are allowed to date and when? What kind of "repercussions" are you afraid of?

Now I'm re scheduled to go in tomorrow and he put me down, telling me that it's not a 'real job'.

How did he find out about this interview?

All in all , all of these stabs really brought me down. I need something uplifting. I thought it was a pretty good start to let my feelings out here because they are overwhelming me right now. 

It is a good step to share here!  Look, abuse hurts. Getting insulted and laughed at doesn't feel good. Your ex knows the buttons to push and which wounds are fresh, and he is going to keep trying to tear you down because that is who he is. But ultimately, it is up to you whether you allow someone else to have that kind of control over your mood. You have the power within yourself to decide how you are going to think and feel. You don't have to rely on other people's opinions--especially not abusive bullies' opinions--to determine that you are capable and worthwhile. The power to feel uplifted is entirely inside you.

I think it's awesome that you are going in for an interview for a job you want, even when someone else doesn't approve. It shows that you are in charge of your life and your career, and that you value your own wants and feelings. You get to decide what your own goals are. That must feel so empowering. I think you are gonna rock it!

I hope your whole day is awesome, from the interview to special time with your little girl. Have fun celebrating the beauty of your life, no matter what anyone else does to rain on your parade.

PF

[motherof1yearold]

update:

I got the job on the SPOT! Full time! I'm excited and couldn't be happier !

Before and after my birthday ex has been behaving bizarrely... . Can't explain it. But since I've made this original post he has been calling me 5-6 times in the middle of the night. I sent ONE text making it VERY clearly to NOT CALL past 8 o clock unless it is an emergency.

Repercussions I'm afraid of are him taking me back to court over child custody and false allegations. I'm wondering when the time frame is that he will stop terrorizing me? Why do I STILL have to be punished?

[clairedair]

Happy Birthday and congratulations!

Not sure what all the texting is about - isn't he supposed to be full of the joys with a new relationship?  Why is be harassing you?  The stuff about getting more information than you wanted (and hurtful information at that); the belittling of your job and the reluctance to date because of ex's reaction even whilst he dates are all familiar to me.  I get why you are feeling punished and it sounds like he has managed to taint the excitement of your birthday and new job. 

When does new job start ? Having a new job to look forward to and also to take up your attention will hopefully be a positive thing.  I hope that you are feeling proud of yourself and not allowing the negative messages to bring you down - easier said than done but it's still my hope for you.

take care

Claire

[motherof1yearold]

Thank you Clair !

I won't lie, he did manage to send a rain cloud on my birthday , and belittle my new job. (I had the interview and got the job on my birthday)

I'll be starting my new job in a few days, it is a brand new building and they are finishing up a few things. I believe he was projecting when he belittled my job, because it is ironic that he was a chef his entire life and that is the job I just got now. So basically I think it was a reflection of HIS feelings of inferiority being a cook.

I would have blocked his number ages ago if we didn't share a child together... . *sigh*

[VeryFree]

I understand you give him some space, because of your kid.

But that physical space is something different than space in your head.

Why do you still let him in there? Keep him out!

[Cumulus]

Congratulations. A new job, a new beginning. And this is your job, not his. Unless you ask for his comments or advice remind yourself that he has no need to interfere or try to take part in your job seeking decisions. I know it's difficult when you want to share the joy and excitement that comes with a new opportunity and you get stone walled and are given negative feedback. I try and listen to advice only from those I trust and who I believe have my best interest at heart. That was never my xBPDh. So happy for you. Let us know how the first day goes.

[whirlpoollife]

I understand the fear of repercussions if you date. I have the same fears from my x2b h. But when I read it from you I ask. why. My  X2b goes after anyone I talk to and trys to belittle me and show himself as this almighty caring man. His agenda in life is to crush me. So if. I don't date anyone or talk to anyone then I'm safe from his reprecussions. But then I'm the one missing out on life and become isolated again, what he wants. 

When you find ways to overcome those fears, post it.

Your new job is empowering for you!

[VeryFree]

Ways to overcome those fears:

- Read and learn about the illnesses BPD/NPD.

- Don't give them space in your head.

- Don't share your feelings with them.

- Don't share your doings with them.

- Only share those things that are necessary because... . (kids, finance, aso).

- Find support: professional and friends.

- Start living!

[P.F.Change]

Firstly, congratulations on landing the new job! 

I would have blocked his number ages ago if we didn't share a child together... . *sigh*

It is still possible to limit your conversations to only what is necessary for parenting the child. Establishing boundaries about what topics are up for discussion may be something you want to consider. It sounds like you did a good job communicating your boundary about nighttime calls, so you are very capable of taking care of other boundaries, too.

Repercussions I'm afraid of are him taking me back to court over child custody and false allegations. I'm wondering when the time frame is that he will stop terrorizing me? Why do I STILL have to be punished?

The only power your ex has over you is what you allow him to have. He will probably behave the same way he has always behaved until it is no longer cost-effective for him. You cannot control or prevent him behaving in a certain way. He will be that way regardless of what you do or do not do. You may not be able to control his behavior, but you do have the ability to learn new ways to respond to his behavior.

This being Personal Inventory, I would ask what you want to change about yourself.  What underlying messages do you believe about yourself, and what would you prefer to believe? Do you have a therapist to help you with this work?

PF

[motherof1yearold]

I see 2 T's (one who is very experienced in BPD) and go to a group for domestic violence victims, which really helps a lot.

I'm hoping to reach the point where I feel safe to date and would be willing to 'risk it' , if you know what I mean. I've had a wonderful time at my new job and I realize the only reason he brings me down is because he feels down himself! It makes him feel good to tear me down.

As for now, he's having some sort of identity crisis. He's bleached his hair blonde (he was always so proud of his red locks) He's now sending me 10 texts a day that vary ... . Mostly him starting with implying I should sleep with him, then when he gets no response he says I would have to beg for it. Still no response and he gets downright angry and starts spewing things from our marriage. Does anybody think it would be beneficial to document those things, just in case? (restraining order?)

Things seem to be looking up for me and not going so well for him so he feels the need to 'punish'. Now that I understand what is going on, it doesn't hurt as much.

[Cumulus]

Absolutely yes, document. Not just for legal issues but to help you remember accurately.  Without the documentation and with him questioning my recall I believed that things weren't as bad as I thought, that maybe I was "reading too much into the situation", that he didn't mean it the way I remembered it. Going back and reading through the notes and emails helped me keep my sanity and focus.

Glad to hear you are in a domestic violence group. It is frightening to be stalked either physically or electronically. Have a healthy fear of anyone who is stalking, they are not well people and may now be desperate.

[motherof1yearold]

Thanks for the reminder,Cumulus!