Some things I accidentally did RIGHT in the relationship...

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

So looking back, I've found a few things I pat myself on the back for in retrospect.    None of these things individually or collectively made the relationship work, obviously, but it does feel kind of nice to look back and see how I handled a few things in a healthy way. I didn't know anything about BPD or her possibly having it at the time so I had no idea what I was dealing with.

1. I did set limits and boundaries very firmly early on in our relationship about what kind of treatment was respectful/disrespectful.  Looking back I doubt we would have lasted as long as we did if I hadn't done that.  And that probably helped me avoid a few scars too.

2. Without knowing about it, I usually used the SET method in dealing with the blow ups my ex would have.  I think I sort of stumbled into it because it's honestly a good way to deal with any difficult situation with someone you love, but it's only now that I see how and why it was so effective with her.  Also probably helped me avoid a few scars.

3. I didn't let her dictate the pace of the relationship.  While I got emotionally involved pretty quick, I didn't move in with her like she wanted to do at 3 months into the relationship.  And I didn't allow her to move things quickly towards an engagement the way she wanted.  Everything would have probably been a whole lot messier and more painful if I hadn't held my ground in that way.  And so I probably avoided some scars there as well.

Like I said, none of that changed the outcome of the relationship.  It still ended bitterly and with much sadness and pain.   It's just nice to look back and see that I did some things right.  And it actually also helps to confirm for me that it really WAS the disorder and not me that ultimately doomed the relationship.  

Do you ever look back at the things you did right and not wrong?

[Tordesillas]

So looking back, I've found a few things I pat myself on the back for in retrospect.    None of these things individually or collectively made the relationship work, obviously, but it does feel kind of nice to look back and see how I handled a few things in a healthy way. I didn't know anything about BPD or her possibly having it at the time so I had no idea what I was dealing with.

1. I did set limits and boundaries very firmly early on in our relationship about what kind of treatment was respectful/disrespectful.  Looking back I doubt we would have lasted as long as we did if I hadn't done that.  And that probably helped me avoid a few scars too.

2. Without knowing about it, I usually used the SET method in dealing with the blow ups my ex would have.  I think I sort of stumbled into it because it's honestly a good way to deal with any difficult situation with someone you love, but it's only now that I see how and why it was so effective with her.  Also probably helped me avoid a few scars.

3. I didn't let her dictate the pace of the relationship.  While I got emotionally involved pretty quick, I didn't move in with her like she wanted to do at 3 months into the relationship.  And I didn't allow her to move things quickly towards an engagement the way she wanted.  Everything would have probably been a whole lot messier and more painful if I hadn't held my ground in that way.  And so I probably avoided some scars there as well.

Like I said, none of that changed the outcome of the relationship.  It still ended bitterly and with much sadness and pain.   It's just nice to look back and see that I did some things right.  And it actually also helps to confirm for me that it really WAS the disorder and not me that ultimately doomed the relationship.  

Do you ever look back at the things you did right and not wrong?

[rollercoaster24]

Hi Tordesillas

Good on you for making that inventory, all commendable things.

It is unfortunate for us, that our significant others could only focus on what we did, or what went wrong!

These lists they had, ultimately kept popping up, to prevent them focusing on the real truth of what was transpiring in their lives and relationships.

Such is the nature of their condition, SIGH... .

Looking back I can see what I did right too.

1. I set and then stuck to my boundaries as to rules at my house for peace, (after 2 years of his constant conflict at my home). Each time he would refuse to calm down or take a break or let me escape to take one, I would insist that he leave my house and return to his parents. I would tell him that I did not want to have to ask this, but if he would not leave me alone, I had no other choice. Sometimes this worked, and others it didn't and things got really dangerous for me, but I tried.

2. I went to therapy for my own issues and for validation of my feelings from a professional.

3. I kept details I shared with BP to a minimum as much as possible, (to protect both others and my own safety)

4. I owned up to my own faults, (to BP's criticisms/insecurites) and rectified all of them as much as possible, or that were in my power to change. I always told him that I could not change other people, they had to want to change, and given he was my partner, the only changes I was concerned with, was our own... .

5. I was consistent in my support of the BP in my life, (through his abuse, dumping, rages, dramas, and the rest).

6. I managed to keep my main job, (some struggle at times, I must say!)

7. I developed my own business in the background, (take over for contract 1st July).

8. I lessened physical contact with BP over the past 14 months of LDR,  and started putting more boundaries on the money spend, (still got abused anyway).

9. I refused to choose between BP and my family/job, (good decision because my family are healthy and independent).

10. I exercised as much as possible to reduce stress

11. I disengaged and detached from his rages as much as possible, (except when he had me trapped and escape was impossible).

12. I stopped trusting him a long time ago, and no longer felt the same guilt about that, (trust is earned).

13. I validated his feelings as much as I could, but set limits to 'listening'. Still got abused anyway, but at least I tried.

14. I mostly used SET, and mostly stopped JADING, but occasionally failed, (hey, I'm no saint).

What I did wrong?

Plenty in the very early days, but I rectified those mistakes, and made sure they never happened again. I kept to my word on things, and stayed reliable as much in my power to do so.

I do know that on the scales of mistakes, BP's actions far outweighed anything I ever did or said... .

My main point here, is that I wasn't afraid of criticism, and clearly did my best to correct all that BP had for me.

My criticisms? My concerns? My feelings?

Well, of course, none of them really ever mattered, as we all well know!

Not one of them was ever addressed, and my being dumped finally after he assaulted me, says it all.

Now I just have to mend my broken heart.

No easy task my friend... .

Thanks for listening... .