What am I doing wrong?

[changingme]

I am feeling at that point that I just want to pack up, move away and start fresh all over.  I want to leave this life behind and almost everyone in it.  I am tired of feeling disappointed by every single person in my life.  I am tired of the role BPD has in my life.  I am tired of feeling so stuck.  The scary part is that no matter how much "better" I can, how much I move forward, how much I grow... . I still ALWAYS end up here... . again and again. 

I must not be doing something right. 

[laelle]

Hello changingtimes,

  I hate to hear you so down.  

I am not a T but from what im hearing from you and my own personal experience tells me that you might be having some depression.

Has EVERY person in your life really disapointed you?  :)o you have a T?  I love mine.

I can understand you being tired of the whole BPD thing... . oh boy oh boy can it.  The only way to come across on the other side a healthier and well adjusted person is

to go STRAIGHT thru it.  Running away... . will stop immediate pain (maybe) but you wont heal and you will continue to end up where you started.

Isnt that what you said you were tired of? Always ending up back in the same place?

Hang around for a little while and give yourself a  bit of credit and a lot of faith.  You have been through some tough , and you deserve a break in your critical thinking.

You are still here, you havent run away, and you are facing your issues head on... . your doing nothing wrong, its just hard.  That is why they call it emotional "work"

Stay strong, you are soo worth it.

 Laelle

[changingme]

Hi laelle

I know it sounds over dramatic for me to say everyone disappoints me, but there is a truth to that.  I have been pegged the strongest person a lot of people know, the person they lean on when they need help, tell their deepest secrets and feelings to and since I am that person, I don't have that person for myself to lean on.  On the other hand, many know I always am going through a lot in my life and I have been for a very long time.  I am a sharer, I share with everyone the everyday things in life, the big things, the happy and sad emotions, but there is a lot of missing follow through.  The bulk of what I say falls onto deaf ears and as much as I share I rarely get a sincere check to see how am I really holding up? Like how are you feeling CT, how did everything work out the other day, etc. Another thing is I try to keep people together and yet there is loss of respect to give a call when you can't make plans or to make the effort to stick with plans, and so on. Just a missing loyalty and I am a very loyal person.

If I am really depressed (as is both our suspicions) would you believe I bet no one knows it? And it is not because I hide it, I wear my heart on my sleeve, it is because the circle around me (friends and family) do not take the time to notice.  That hurts so deeply and yes it is tremendously disappointing because the care I give to others is not reciprocated.  Maybe I just expect too much from others.  Maybe I expect to get the treatment I give and that is now how the majority of people in life are. 

I don't really want to runaway.  It is just the feeling I get when I feel so backed in a corner (from every possible angle in life) that a big breath of fresh air feels like the only fix.  I get stuck here a lot also because ironically the one person who takes the time and makes the effort is my ex (the one with BPD - the father of my child) and geeze that is the one person I shouldn't lean on because that starts a whole another situation of BPD turmoil. 

Basically I am aware I have too much on my plate for one person and I have had this for a long time.  I sometimes think things fall on deaf ears is because no one knows what to say to me or how to help me.  I don't have a therapist, I know I should, yet this is another thing I am unable to do right now.  I am trying to self soothe other ways and I take steps, but like I said I always fall back to this mess. 

[LosingIt2]

Hey CT,

I understand where you are coming from. I think people who are within your support network have a hard time, in general, saying the right things. I think they know that everything feels like hit. They just know you can be better so they are pushing you to be there before you're ready.

In the end, you know what you need to do, not to sound cliche. In my opinion, that is taking your sweet time. Like laelle said, you clearly are working on your life and self-awareness. I think most people on here are suffering from some form of depression.

Anyway, I kind of ran away myself. As in, I moved away from my pwBPD (we lived together) to NYC, which is where I wanted to be but was waiting around for her, and I'm going back to school. Basically, these choices were solely based on my own needs. That's the best you can do, if you see any possibility of that, go for it. However, I'm still here, in therapy, and think about my ex very often. It won't go away, but you can still improve your life without even realizing it, until you do!

[changingme]

Hi LosingIt,

Sometimes it isn't always about what you say, but just putting in a little more effort is all I need.  I also don't know what people think, no one has honestly told me.

Just curious, was moving away to NYC a good healthy choice for you? Did it help?

I am in school and a light bulb moment right now... . maybe that is why I am struggling so much right now because I'm on summer break and missing that focus and distraction that school gives me.  I'm shifting my focus back to the people around me, which I already am fully aware aren't really there like I need, which has made that underlying disappointment intensified! Can't even believe I missed that one.  Interesting... .

[clairedair]

Hi changingtimes

sorry to hear you are having a tough time.

Just wanted to pick up on what you said about not having your studies to occupy you.  I posted a 'poor me' post yesterday as I was feeling really low.  I haven't been able to work or do very much as I've been physically unwell and today I realised that I've had more time to think than usual and a lot of the negative stuff is taking up the space.  I too have been feeling like I've tried to put the hard work in and am just getting kicked in the teeth.

I'm not an advocate of keeping ourselves so busy that we are able to distract ourselves from issues/conflicts because I used to be like that and then self-destructed!  But there is a balance.  Anything you'd like to do over the summer that can be something that takes up time but is also positive?  A sport? A craft?  Art?  I know you have a child so maybe that's difficult if she's also not studying.

Any reason why you haven't gone to see a T?  Money or something else?  I used to be someone who thought that the only way I'd talk to a T was if I was dragged kicking and screaming (which I kinda was the first time!) but it's been a life saver along with this site.

take care

Claire

[changingme]

Hi Clairedair,

Sorry to hear you are having a hard time as well.

I agree there should be a balance.  I think if I am doing the work internally then the rest is ok if I distract myself.  Like you say too much time to think doesn't do well, at all.  I sit at a desk and type all day, that can really be rough on me, gives me way too much time to think.  Especially on those tired days at work, I actually sometimes I have to hold in the tears. 

I have started working out and that is helping.  I know I need to pick up another hobby this summer. I don't see a therapist because of money. I am open to the idea and plan on doing it one day. 

[Grey Kitty]

Hmmm... . I don't know your story or background, so I don't know if I'm on the right track or not, but let me paraphrase something you said:

"Everybody in your life thinks that you are the strong person they can dump their issues on for support, without reciprocating"

You can't change them. Is it time to change yourself? Just because you are strong, and supportive doesn't mean you need to let people use you that way any time they want to.

Think about whether you have done something to attract needy people into your life.

[changingme]

Hi Grey Kitty,

I wouldn't say they are using me because I wouldn't tolerate that.  I have set boundaries with the couple that are very dramatic and they know that.  What I meant is that, they know I have been through a lot, they know I am strong, smart, level-headed, they know I am loyal and won't tell people things, I can see both sides to a situation and can usually offer good advice, so when they have a problem they come to me (but I am also included in the good in their lives as well).  I think after writing this post I am realizing it is more they don't reciprocate because they really do not know how to help me.  If they need help from me (or others) getting through the "small" things, how could they possibly help me get through the mess I have been in?  But it still hurts the same and it does make me feel alone and I do believe there are people out there that could be more a supportive support system, maybe not to wrapped up in their own lives, but outside of here the BPD family, these are people that  I don't have in my life right now.  Maybe it is that I am the "needy" one!

[Grey Kitty]

Interesting situation you find yourself in there.

I find some echos in myself--I can't pin down a "reason", and these sort of feelings don't have them anyhow... . but when it comes to things like relationship problems, I really don't open up about it to my family, or most of my friends either.

At various times I've had one or two friends who I was able to open up and share with, for support, or mutual support one time when a friend was going through vaguely similar relationship crap that started at the same time as mine did. Actually I didn't even intend to open up to her, I was just having a falling-apart-crying-jag when she stumbled into me, and that busted things open!

Actually, now that I think of it, another friend who sadly I don't see very often due to geography has supported me (and my wife) mostly because he was there when we were falling apart, and ended up witnessing some of it.

Somehow when I've been friends with somebody for a long time, or my family, it is hard to shift gears and open up like that.

There is another change in yourself you could make. You could choose to be vulnerable and share with someone.

Either I too have the wrong people in my life, or I don't choose to risk it much either. If you try it, I'd love to hear how it goes. Might help me to find the courage to try someday.

[DreamFlyer99]

There is another change in yourself you could make. You could choose to be vulnerable and share with someone.

Either I too have the wrong people in my life, or I don't choose to risk it much either. If you try it, I'd love to hear how it goes. Might help me to find the courage to try someday.

THIS strikes a chord!

My T kept asking if I shared my struggles with anyone, and no, it was primarily her and my journal. So I've slowly opened up ever so c a u t i o u s l y to a few people, one who has an ADHD/bi-polar husband, and one who has an exH who likely has BPD. They didn't judge me, were more surprised, thinking my marriage was really good and happy, to find out I've struggled forever with stuff i didn't know were BPD traits in my H. The first person i had shared with was my youngest daughter since she and her H were living here when things got really crazy due to changes in H's medications, so she and her H were seeing it full force. i was, as ever, "taken by surprise" (or what i like to think of as "slow on the uptake" and so hurt and destroyed by his words and rages. Of course it didn't help that my sister had died right about the same time his craziness started and so there was minimal support from him but loads and loads of crap. So my daughter and her H were good to talk to and helped me see the craziness for what it was, but it wasn't until recent months that i decided to try to share with friends i trusted. i even talked a tiny bit with my 21 year old grandson whose mom shows some of the traits herself (but i didn't "name" it BPD, just talked about the individual traits i was seeing.)

it was SO FREEING! here I've struggled alone for so long, wondering if my H wasn't right, and maybe i wasn't the person i thought i was? i'm a compassionate, empathetic, creative soul, and we've done some wonderful things in our nearly 37 years of marriage. i can't say we did them TOGETHER, more "separately at the same time" cuz that's how it is with them. It seems that BPDs do not share well. (He likes things to be HIS way, so if i'm to do something, it's more "alongside." And we nons living with pwBPD learn to be oh so careful... . we have seen what's it's like to Wake The Bear and found it to be not worth repeating (it's painful,  loud, and not worth risking!) So I've learned to Protect myself from potential pain from exposure.

But surprisingly, when i DID open up i found support and understanding instead of condemnation.