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Author Topic: when will I stop feeling so wounded?  (Read 559 times)
clairedair
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« on: June 27, 2013, 04:54:17 PM »

This board is about 'detaching from the wounds' but I just feel stuck in a mire this week.  It takes so much energy to try to detach and stay detached and then I'll get derailed and I just don't want to have to do the hard work again 

I was meant to be on a longed-for trip somewhere sunny this week.  A trip planned to help me heal.  Instead, I had to cancel the trip due to an illness that I suspect is another in a long line of stress related illnesses.  I've also had to engage with ex in relation to a child and the cool exchanges are getting to me.  I want not to feel anything about these exchanges.

I try and try to 'count my blessings' (and there are many in my life - and I'd even include his recent marriage to someone he hadn't been dating that long as a blessing for me) but am just feeling so weighed down.  Trying to work out what it is that's really depressing me and I think that a big part of it is injustice. 

I should know better - have been around these boards long enough - but it just seems that he's getting on with a sparkly new life, fulfilling job in which he's hugely respected and admired, a new wife and a new home with her in a place I'd like to live and travelling to places we talked about going to. 

I don't understand this.  I don't want to be the one married to him any more because latterly it was destroying me even though I tried everything.  I don't want to be travelling to the places he's going if I have to go with him and be ignored once I get there.  I don't want to live in the place he's living if I have to live with him and be wondering if he likes me or not when I get home.

I think I should be happy that it's all over and I can get on with a life free from walking on eggshells but I'm feeling so miserable and pathetic.

I always knew it would take time to heal given that it was a long-term marriage and the more recent very difficult years but I'm depressed tonight because I can't see an end to my spending so much time thinking about or talking about (or writing here about) a relationship that no longer exists.

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winston72
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« Reply #1 on: June 27, 2013, 05:32:47 PM »

It is so amazing how consistently people think their ex moves on without them to a life of happiness and prosperity.  It just does not happen!  People do not change that quickly.  It is comforting to realize this, not because it is a mean-spirited desire to see them suffer, but rather it affirms our efforts and our worth.  The thought that they can ride off into a glorious life tells me that I am unworthy... . I think. 

It won't last forever... . you will be healthy and happy again.
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schwing
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« Reply #2 on: June 27, 2013, 06:27:33 PM »

Hi Clairedair,

This board is about 'detaching from the wounds' but I just feel stuck in a mire this week.  It takes so much energy to try to detach and stay detached and then I'll get derailed and I just don't want to have to do the hard work again  

It is ok to feel stuck in a mire.  This is part of the process.  Just like the whole process of ending the relationship was for you a long journey as well.  I think the hard work is worth it, because you are worth the effort.

I was meant to be on a longed-for trip somewhere sunny this week.  A trip planned to help me heal.  Instead, I had to cancel the trip due to an illness that I suspect is another in a long line of stress related illnesses.  I've also had to engage with ex in relation to a child and the cool exchanges are getting to me.  I want not to feel anything about these exchanges.

It's ok to get sick and miss the trip.  You haven't let anyone down.  You haven't let yourself down.  In fact, by being flexible with your plans and giving yourself the time to heal, you are showing yourself a degree of consideration and thoughtfulness that your BPD loved one could never do, because for him it was more important to appear happy than to actually be happy.

I know you don't want to feel anything about these exchanges, but you are not disordered.  In time, apathy may well be in your grasp, but that comes only after you've processed all the feelings that you need to process.

I try and try to 'count my blessings' (and there are many in my life - and I'd even include his recent marriage to someone he hadn't been dating that long as a blessing for me) but am just feeling so weighed down.  Trying to work out what it is that's really depressing me and I think that a big part of it is injustice.  

Perhaps its the injustice, or at least the appearance of injustice.  Personally I believe what goes around comes around.  But that is not what will best aid you now.  What is important for you now, is to disengage.  And that means you will not be around to bear witness to any kind of justice in his life.  Just like no one was really around to witness the harm he created in your life.

Depression can sometimes be the result of the mind not being able to work through emotions.  It's as if an emotion is so "big" that it just blocks up your ability to feel.  It's ok to be depressed.  Just give yourself the time and space to work through feelings that have not quite made it to the "surface" so to speak.  It's when you don't give yourself that time and space, that you start to run into problems.

I should know better - have been around these boards long enough - but it just seems that he's getting on with a sparkly new life, fulfilling job in which he's hugely respected and admired, a new wife and a new home with her in a place I'd like to live and travelling to places we talked about going to.  

You do know better.  But it's also ok to feel like it isn't fair that he can appear to be so far along.  But the truth is that his behavior is more evidence for his disorder.  In his disordered mind, he has *replaced* you with this new wife.  Which is to say, this new wife is just as interchangeable in his life as anyone might be.  And you wouldn't want to be "loved" like this.  Nor would you want to love others in such a fashion either.  

Sure he has a fulfilling job in which he's hugely respected and admired.  But would any of the people who respect and admire him want the kind of home life, emotional life that this man possesses?  Why else would one want such a job except to be able to bring a degree of fulfillment, happiness and security to you and your family?  

But you know intellectually that he cannot have this; even though part of you still chooses to believe otherwise.  

He will not be happy.  He will only be good at appearing to be happy... . that's the best that he can do.  And for a lot of people, that isn't enough.  Nor would most people be willing to trade their chance at happiness for a home in a place they'd like to live, traveling to places they've aspired to go.

I don't understand this.  I don't want to be the one married to him any more because latterly it was destroying me even though I tried everything.  I don't want to be travelling to the places he's going if I have to go with him and be ignored once I get there.  I don't want to live in the place he's living if I have to live with him and be wondering if he likes me or not when I get home.

I think I should be happy that it's all over and I can get on with a life free from walking on eggshells but I'm feeling so miserable and pathetic.

Yes.  But you are not disordered.  Your emotional states doest not change from utter misery to blissful ignorance as though it were on a switch.  It takes a process.  And right now, I think you are still going through this process of coming to terms with what all those years spent with your ex-husband has meant to you.  Your mind needs to work through the experience over time because the emotions you've accumulated are really "big".  You need to go through this process because if you don't, you might be doomed to repeat your experience.  As your ex will.

I always knew it would take time to heal given that it was a long-term marriage and the more recent very difficult years but I'm depressed tonight because I can't see an end to my spending so much time thinking about or talking about (or writing here about) a relationship that no longer exists.

Just because you can't see it, doesn't mean it isn't there.

It's ok to feel depressed.  There will be times when you don't.  Make the most out of those times and do remember to take care of yourself during those times.  My understanding is that as you spend more time improving the relationship you have with yourself, you will no longer be so preoccupied by thoughts of your BPD loved one.

Best wishes, Schwing
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clairedair
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« Reply #3 on: June 28, 2013, 01:35:34 PM »

It won't last forever... . you will be healthy and happy again.

thanks Winston - I do know this and have been feeling much healthier and happier.  I think that being in physical pain recently and effect of medication pulled me down again and all those negative messages started kicking in!  I felt yesterday like I was having a bit of a tantrum - angry that things seemed to have gone wrong for me and refusing to have to put in effort to pull myself out of the mire.  Today, I'm feeling a little ashamed of myself - I have a lot of things that are good in my life and I know a lot of people in worse situations than I am in.  Still, I think it's OK to have a whinge now and again!

I agree with your comment about 'worth' - that sometimes I fall into trap of feeling 'not good enough' when it 'appears' that it was so easy for him to move on.  Truth is, I have no idea how he is feeling or doing so should not make such assumptions.

I can only know how I am feeling and do something about that (or sometimes do nothing and just sit with the feelings and reflect on them).
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clairedair
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« Reply #4 on: June 28, 2013, 02:00:18 PM »

It is ok to feel stuck in a mire.  This is part of the process.  Just like the whole process of ending the relationship was for you a long journey as well.  I think the hard work is worth it, because you are worth the effort.

thanks Schwing - the whole thing about 'worth' fascinates me.  I'd say that most of the time now (and even during the real ups and downs of rollercoaster), I felt that I was worth being treated decently; that I was a person of value; that I was a decent person, albeit one who made mistakes.  What I find interesting and frustrating is that I can very quickly move to a position of feeling 'not good enough' as a reaction to something that someone else says/does ( not everyone - mainly my ex!).  Maybe part of the injustice feeling is that I am sick of having to pull myself up from the floor again and again whilst ex goes on with life but as I said in post to Winston - I am only seeing his life from the outside these days.  I know that when we were together, he was someone in great pain at times even when others would have thought he was fine.

It's ok to get sick and miss the trip.  You haven't let anyone down.

Thing is, I did very much feel I'd let others down.  My kids were so excited about my getting away on a holiday as were family and friends because they know that I've had a tough time.  I was so excited to be the source of some happiness to those closest to me and instead they have, yet again, been worried about me and having to come and help me out.

I feel guilty that I am not further on than I am - I feel the pressure to be 'sorted'; to be in a new relationship too.  But I can't say to my kids "sorry - but I'm just realising the extent of the emotional and verbal abuse I've taken from your father and my own part in a dsyfunctional relationship" because he's consistently loving with them and I don't want to affect their relationship with him.

This relates to what you said about depression sometimes being the result of not being able to deal with big emotional stuff.  I felt physically weak because I was ill and that meant that I struggled to handle feeling a burden again; to have to deal with finance with exH; to still be processing the 'reframing' of my marriage/relationship that's been the result of having the space this time to detach and heal more effectively.  I SO wanted to crawl under the duvet yesterday and not come out.

Thanks so much for the replies - brought me back to a more even keel today.

claire
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Clearmind
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« Reply #5 on: June 29, 2013, 12:12:38 AM »

When? Clair it really depends. For me, I really had to think long and hard about the perceptions and expectations I held of my ex.

To detach I needed to change my perception of him.
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Validation78
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« Reply #6 on: June 29, 2013, 06:50:17 AM »

Hi Claire!

I think you're being very hard on yourself! It sounds to me like you're further along in the healing process than you give yourself credit for. You are acknowledging  your feelings, thinking them through, and dealing with things as they come up. That's alright.

If you need a duvet day now and then, take it. You must set the healing pace as it's different for everyone. The fact is, you continue to press on. You have a great deal of emotional strength, and courage to face each day, and in time you will see, and believe that you are worthy of all the good things life has to offer. Take this one day at a time, and you'll look back with a sense of pride and accomplishment!

Best Wishes,

Val78

PS

Clearmind, can you give us an example of how you changed your perceptions and expectations you held of your ex? Thanks!
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Clearmind
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« Reply #7 on: June 29, 2013, 07:45:11 AM »

Perception: the way in which something is regarded, understood, or interpreted

We all have life filters that provide an interpretation of life events and everything we experience.  While we all have life filters my own “self confessed” emotional immaturity was a certain factor in clouding my judgment of who and who my ex wasn’t – and I would further add that my perception one month, two months or even six months post break up is very different to my perception of events now.

Post break up I was incredibly naive and was very much the victim, lived in a fantasy and had no idea what relationships entailed.

My own emotional immaturity, certainly built from a lifetime of relationship patterns learnt from childhood played an enormous role in how I perceived events – this lead – to a gross over reaction of perceived slights at the hand of my ex and instead I turned the focus inward – why did I choose a relationship like this to begin with? My emotional immaturity and victimhood attitude was greatly steeped in my past, well before I met my ex.

Those that possess emotional maturity are not swayed by issues of fantasy and instead understand the events as they are not what they want them to be to relinquish the shame and blame.

If I was at all tempted to lament about my ex, I immediately turned the focus to me – away from being a victim and taking charge – its very tempting to continue to focus on our ex’s because its safe however what it in fact does, is  cause us to become re-traumatize – this victim cycle its addictive and causes powerlessness.

I also started to really understand what my ex had been through in his life that would lead to his own level of perception – I soon realized that it was not about me at all – it was not my fault. His life is far from rosey.

It is a black hole attempting to understand our partner’s intent that contributed to the relationship dynamic – the answers are not there. It’s more beneficial to look to understand the dynamics and emotions tied to your partner’s actions rather than take them personally.

_____

Its important to begin to pay attention, be open with yourself about why you allowed these wounds to happen, why you continue to dwell – a therapist will help enormously.

To mind shift - right now, if the partner is your focal point, your perception and reality of what the relationship was and wasn’t will not change – you are replaying the same tape. We need to consciously stop revolving around them and thoughts of them.

If we continue to look to them to do what we desire a person to do for us – our perception will not change. Our partners are simply not capable – we are asking our partners to be something they are not – impossible task!

Your perception will change when your own emotions match your own identity and not your partners – you are not one in the same – you are in fact likely to be very different people- however we continue to base our worth on their perceptions of us rather than our own perceptions.

Be you – work on acceptance not on the fantasy of what this relationship was.

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flynavy
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« Reply #8 on: June 29, 2013, 09:09:27 AM »

Hi claire... . believe me that time will heal your pain.  In the last 4 years I lost my wife to a 7 year battle with Ovarian Cancer and then 8 months later began my toxic relationship with my ex BPD/NPD fiance.  I had my one year anniversary yesterday of calling off the wedding and beginning the detaching phase.  At first it was riddled with absolute confusion as to what the hell just happened to me, Why did it... . she knew what I just went through... . she was my wife's oncology nurse for 7 years.  Anger at her and then mostly at myself for being so stupid... . even when I saw all the red flags I continued! 

I know that clearmind is humble but for me... . if it wasn't for her... . I would not be where I am today.  Focus on YOU.  It wasn't till I asked myself Who are you? did the true healing process begin.  This epiphany was the turning point for me.  I stopped obsessing with what BPD/NPD is... . hell I researched it death.  I stopped wondering what she was doing... . it was an easy answer... . she was doing what she has done for the past 30+ years... . surviving/ stopping the pain with her disordered lifestyle.  I was physically getting ill from the anxiety reliving all of the lies, deceit and manipulation... . mentally beating myself up for ever getting into this mess.

Bottom line is I Loved somebody who did not exist... . once I got my arms around this phenomena I was able to understand that the only alternative I had was to focus on me.  First get healthy... . I focused on working out twice a day... . playing my guitar... . thinking about my wife and remembering what true love, intimacy, companionship and selflessness TRULY is!

Clearmind kept telling me to look within and she was soo right.  The answer was always there... . it was just clouded by years of me being someone that everyone else expected me to be... . looking for affirmation/validation that I am not worthless(my alcoholic father always told me I would never amount to anything)... . then stopping the pain of loosing my wife with over the top sex I rationalized to be love(I was in love at first but eventually  saw all of the red flags but was addicted to the pain relieving sexual drug) but anyway that is my story.  Start to look inside... . the good thing is it will take your attention away from the disordered person you cannot change... . will never understand from any rational POV... . and get you back on the road to living again!  If I can do it... . any one can!

I wish and pray you find the path I was able to finally see and walk!  I am actually ready to go out the door to have lunch with a woman I met recently... . I kind of like her... . feels good again!
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clairedair
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« Reply #9 on: June 29, 2013, 10:58:56 AM »



Clearmind,

I think that one of the main reasons for having been able to better deal with our last break-up was that my perception of him as my 'husband'.  Through all the recycles, even at times when I was terribly hurt by his words/actions, I saw him as my husband who was suffering and whom I had hurt.

I was very angry about the way he broke up with me last time but this time, the anger didn't shift.  I went to see a new T who said in the first session 'he's not a nice man'.  I was shocked and a bit defensive but that was the start of me seeing him in a different way.  I still feel that he is someone special, a loving dad in many ways, full of empathy for others and someone who suffers greatly at times and has insight into that.  BUT he is someone who treated me very badly; disrespected, belittled and betrayed me. It's not up to me to judge whether he's  'a nice man' or not - I just need to know that he was not nice to me.

I still struggle greatly with seeing him as 'my abuser' but the reality is that he did emotionally abuse me (and has acknowledged this).  He also verbally abused me (though this he has not acknowledged).  I find it really hard to reconcile this with all the loving things he has done/does so have in past minimised a lot of the abusive stuff. 

If I was at all tempted to lament about my ex, I immediately turned the focus to me – away from being a victim and taking charge – its very tempting to continue to focus on our ex’s because its safe however what it in fact does, is  cause us to become re-traumatize – this victim cycle its addictive and causes powerlessness.

Focus on YOU.  It wasn't till I asked myself Who are you? did the true healing process begin.  This epiphany was the turning point for me.

I've been doing a reasonable job of focussing on me but it is easier to spend more time focussing on ex! Partly out of habit because I've been doing that most of my adult life (though he has told me repeatedly that he was way down the list of my priorities) and partly because I needed to understand what had been happening in last eight years and so have spent a lot of time researching too.  Partly because when I get a chance to focus on me, he does something like get engaged or married! 

But Clearmind is right about the re-traumatizing. For example, in trying to reflect on our past marriage/relationship in order to understand what happened, I've done things like read old letters etc and it just upsets me even more.  I need to really accept that there is no point in going over old ground - I'm not going to get the closure I need - I just have to keep working on making the most of the present and on creating a better future for myself.

Flynavy - I've followed your posts and you have been through so much.  I am glad though that you have the example and experience of a loving and healthy relationship/marriage to relate to when you focus on what you want/need in future.  My relationship with exH has been my only relationship and so I thought it was "normal" for a very long time.
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