Did I end it right?

[pari]

Last evening when my exBPD called to find out how am I doing (physically and emotionally), I told him that it's not healthy for us to be friends. It will not help us move on. It will keep bringing the pain from past. We deserve to live happy life because we both are good human beings.

He freaked out  and got really upset but said that he will never see me again and never call me, if that's what I want. He wants me to be happy.

I asked on the closure on exchange stuff and he wasn't interested to do this for a while. When I told him that I have kept a deadline for myself to finish this task by this weekend. He snapped at me saying, You want to do everything by your rules. You want me to life by your rules. If that's what you want, I will do it for you.

His closing line was 'Apparently the best thing I can do for a relationship is to stay away'

Seeing him upset just breaks my heart. I know I need to be strong and take care of myself. But my instinct is to drop by his place and give him a big hug. It's just been 17 hours. I havn't heard anything from him yet. It feels so strange. I havn't seen him online on Whatsapp or hangout since last night. Probably he has blocked me. My emotion side is trying to take over me this morning and I am so tempted to check on him. Inform his friends to take care of him and his family to reach out to him.

Keep wondering if I ended it right? What else could I have done to cause less pain to him? Should I have take CC method instead of NC? Can we really make an exception by being friends?

[GreenMango]

Pariah even though he got upset it sounds like you can get your stuff.  Maybe just letting him be since you told him it isn't healthy is the best bet.

It painful to keep reopening those wounds with emotional conversations and texts.

This is the hard part.  Keep looking out for you.

[laelle]

Pari, I understand what you are going through right now.  You feel in a panic?  Wondering if you did the right thing?  Feel sorry for him, but you know deep down

that the relationship is not giving you what you need?  That he does not respect your wants and needs?  That is all about him?

I know you hurt... . It sucks!  I have been there more than once and I recycled my relationship 5 or 6 times.  My mind and body were SCREAMING at me to make it all stop, but

my heart still felt weak.

In the end what he said was right.  The best thing that he can do for you is get out of your life.  Its best to leave it there and move forward.


Stay strong!  You can do this!  You deserve to be loved and respected.

[mcc503764]

In the end what he said was right.  The best thing that he can do for you is get out of your life.  Its best to leave it there and move forward.

This is the hardest thing to face, but I think we need to ask ourselves "where could it possibly go from this point?"  That is the reality of the situation.

My x is a therapist.  Whether or not she will admit that she is BPD, is really irrelevant at this point.  That is her battle to face, she needs to take ownership/responsibility for her actions... .

Detachment sucks!  Pure and simple.  I am still struggling with it.  It gets better with time, but it takes time... .

I recycled with mine 5x and always ended up with the same result.  It was like clockwork. 

Because she is a therapist, she would always look for some way to intellectualize things.  This bothered me, felt demeaning / diminishing of MY feelings!

I don't think it's possible to be "friends" with them.  My x has NO boundaries, nor the skills that it takes to be "friends!"  At the end of the day, it's all about HER!  My dream / thoughts of a good r/s do not involve giving up MY identity / self worth for the sake of another person!  I did that for too long, and I wont do that again!

I guess I came to the point to where I was finally able to stand up to her and tell her that I MATTER!  Her treatment of me was BS and that I wasn't going to tolerate it anymore!  That was 1 month ago, and I haven't heard from her since... .

I could really care less about what she is doing, or who she is doing for that matter.  I've had to swallow that pill many times over the past few years.  I'm sick of it... .

Point is, when you are sick and tired of being sick and tired, you'll stop being sick and tired!  Walk away, go NC.  For them out of sight is out of mind, so they will manage.  It's about YOU... . who cares what they think?  You cant control it!  I got sick of being devalued, and chasing my own tail around in the backyard... .

People deserve to be happy, and you are shortchanging YOURSELF the longer you hold onto their emotions!  Time for you to be a BPD, and TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF!

We all have our personal breaking point, and when you are done you will know.  We are not responsible for their feelings!

MCC

[pari]

Thank you for your kind words. It gives me strength every time I fall weak.

My counselor was very happy to know that I have taken these steps. I told my counselor that I am still worried about him, how is he doing. She asked Why is that still important for me? Because I know he is in pain. He has shared his deepest insecurities and fears with me and loosing me was one of them. And he doesn't know how to deal with it. So I want to take care of him and that would bring me peace. She made a very important point that even after breaking up, my happiness was dependent on him. It's so true. That's how I have changed myself in the relationship over last 1.5 years. All I wanted to do is to make him happy and take care of him. It was all about him.

Even after emotional abuse, my friends keep telling me and I know that I shouldn't worry about him. But I still so. It's been 3 days since we last talked.  I haven't heard from him yet. I was so close to drop by at his place yesterday. I fight the temptation of calling him 100 times a day. And I don't feel good about it. Sometimes I wonder if CC will be a more effective tool than NC. Because in reality I think I am going backwards, thinking about him all the time, thinking about good times, emotional times and getting more emotional about him. Sometimes I wonder if I do CC with him, it might slowly get my mind off him because I will see more clearly how mean he has to be all this while.

It painful to keep reopening those wounds with emotional conversations and texts.

That's a big reason I wanted to stop communication with him because he has so much hurt against me and leaves no opportunity to express it to me. I don't want to go through that pain again. It's my choice. He can do that if he wants.

Stay strong!  You can do this!  You deserve to be loved and respected.

M

This is the most difficult part. I am trying really hard. I think about him all day.

[laelle]

You seem a bit undecided Pari... .   Why would you go by your ex's place if you understand that by doing so it will only cause you pain?

Why would you want to put your ex through the experience as well?  Sometimes when we care for people, the best thing we can do is let them go.

You can not cure pain with pain.  You cure pain with time and the emotional work needed to get over your traumatic experience.

You will grow from this if you allow yourself to detach... .

Take care of Pari!  What nice things can you do for yourself today?


btw, I think of my ex alot as well.  Its ok, it doesnt mean I have to act on those impulses. The fact that I dont shows that I am gaining "real" emotional maturity.

Normal + Crazy = Crazy

[bpdspell]

Keep wondering if I ended it right? What else could I have done to cause less pain to him? Should I have take CC method instead of NC? Can we really make an exception by being friends?

It sounds like your ambivalent about the breakup and a bit caught up in Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG). No worries; it's common for these breakups to stir up feelings of uncertainty in our decisions to end this toxic dance.

There is no textbook way of ending a BPD relationship. There will be many bumps in the road to finalizing things for good but it's up to us to OWN that we deserve to make healthy decisions for ourselves.

It isn't our job to rescue, repair or fix our partnerships. They don't need us to save them and our guilt will do nothing for their disorder. Being a martyr or enabling them will only cause the both of you further damage down the line if you truly understand the unraveling of BPD and its impact on others. Things do not get better and our love, TLC or handling them with kid gloves will not make them see what they need to do for themselves. I used to believe that mirroring kindness, niceness, and compassion to my ex would make things better... . but it doesn't. In most cases they simply resent you for not being able to eradicate their disordered feelings.

And let's reverse the language on causing him pain. You did not cause him pain by ending things. His disorder causes him pain. He lives in pain and he's carried that pain inside of him way before you came into the picture.

As for NC. NC is for us; especially when communication has turned particularly abusive and manipulative. NC is protection from their pretzel guilting logic.

Friendships after a breakup are iffy. Even without BPD. Your ex having BPD really "colors" the idea of friendship in a "not so healthy" way. Ex's deserve space whether BPD or not so why not give yourself some distance and time to understand the role you played in this relationship? Give yourself time to better understand BPD.

I thought I could be friends with my ex but in actuality it was my way of holding onto him so I wouldn't feel crushed by the loss of what was once a most intensive "love" experience. In my mind if we remained friends I could still have some semblance of power and attachment because in my heart I wasn't truly ready to let go.

This may or not be the case for you... . but ultimately what do you really want?

Spell

[Suzn]

My emotion side is trying to take over me this morning and I am so tempted to check on him. Inform his friends to take care of him and his family to reach out to him.

Pari it's good that you see this is your emotional side. This part is about you. You want to fix his hurt, this would make you feel more comfortable wouldn't it? It's uncomfortable when we are hurting and we know someone we love might be hurting too. When we fix them it fixes us too. This unfortunately is a temporary fix. The healthier way may be to reach for your resources on your side to alleviate your pain and worry. Your resources are your family, friends, your T and your group here. In order for him to become healthier he needs to be able do the same. Him making the decision to reach out on his own is important for his growth as it is yours. When we step in, we block this process and it can actually prolong the suffering for ourselves and for our exs.

Keep wondering if I ended it right? What else could I have done to cause less pain to him? Should I have take CC method instead of NC? Can we really make an exception by being friends?

CC and friendship are not the same thing. Friendship is intended to be long term. CC is rather a way to ease ourselves and our exs slowly out of contact by us controlling when there is contact and for how long. (just for example... . 20 min phone call, 10 min phone, with decreasing time over a period of time.) The intent is to become boring to our exs so they will eventually move on on their own. This actually helps us to let go as well, we all have some abandonment issues.  

NC is for you, when your emotions and fears are running high and you need this space to gather yourself emotionally. It is only a tool meant to be used temporarily. Once you can establish a foothold on your own emotions you can then go into CC if he is still attempting contact with you.

[pari]

I appreciate all your inputs to give me strength. My own emotions were source of my dissatisfaction. The very fact that even after going NC, I was constantly worried about him.

I met my T today and went through a visualization exercise, where I connected more with myself and realized to take care of myself.

Part of me was still not happy. So I broke 5 days of NC and texted him. He called a later in evening and we chatted. He told me that he has not been upset after I asked him not to contact me. That it helped him detach himself from me. And that he is having awesome time with friends and new girlfriend. Well along with that, came lots of comments on how crazy I am and such. I just nodded and listened.

After talking to him, I feel so stupid (that I have been so silly worrying about him all this while) and happy that he is happy. I know I broke the rule but I think I needed to know that he is doing alright, he is. It takes a big load off my head. I had trained myself to take care of him all this while that I stopped caring for me. Even till date, my happiness was depended on him. But no more. I feel free that I don't have to care of him, that he is not gonna end his life as he used to threaten me.

I am soo HAPPY

It sounds like your ambivalent about the breakup and a bit caught up in Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG). No worries; it's common for these breakups to stir up feelings of uncertainty in our decisions to end this toxic dance.

That's so true. It's exactly what happened with me. You know Spell, how parents keep telling kids not to a mistake but kids still do mistakes and learn from it. That's exactly what happened with me. I have been reading articles in the forum, all your suggestions, but I needed to break NC to realize that what you have been telling me is true. That he is gonna be fine.  I needed it for myself.

This may or not be the case for you... . but ultimately what do you really want?

I want to be free of him, his thoughts, his worries. It doesn't bother me if he contacts me as much as demons in my mind worrying about him. I am quite capable of detaching myself from him and have done that in past. Main problem was in me, illusion that he is not happy without me and I needed to break it. Success. 

What nice things can you do for yourself today?

I am taking care of myself, smiling, listing to music and dancing, all alone in the house. Celebrating the moment of freedom.

Thank you all for helping me in my journey. This forum has kept me sane while dealing with this crazy.