Practical tips to stop invalidation

[Chosen]

I realise a lot of our arguments start with me being invalidating, and him, being ultra-sensitive, probably pointed it out more than once but maybe by the third time he started to dysregulate.  Not giving him any excuses to rage at me, but I want to improve my communication skills so that at least I won't be starting fires with my talk.

I've already re-read this article:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating;all

And I would just like to ask you to suggest some practical ways to not invalidate our pwBPDs?  My C reminds me to wait a while before giving any response (which would be great if I can remember, but I often don't).  Any othet tips on what you do?

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[waverider]

When I first started trying to use the tools here I validated like a crazy person. Problem was it sounded like I was trying too hard and often accidentally invalidated. I think my partner also got too used to placating responses and so disabled her self soothing ability.

Now I do not deliberately attempt to validate all that much. Of course because my attitude as a whole has changed I am more naturally validating and supportive subconsciously. I find just obviously listening and saying less is working best for me. Trying too hard just backfires at times.

I also came to accept that at times she was going to get on a roll and didn't want to be validated, so I learned to disengage early. If she wants an ongoing conversation then she has had to self soothe to keep me in it.

Most often a lot of what is being said has little substance, so the less I respond and engage in it the quicker it passes

Validation is most effective when understanding it has changed your own personality so that you are a more calming to be around.

In short stressing over validating can keep you on the eggshells.

[Chosen]

I think I'm getting *a little* better at validating (not good at that either), but my main problem is still invalidating what my H says.  I guess for him, not being able to validate is a "slight negative", but invalidation is a "huge negative", which usually sets him off.  Of course, after I invalidated, no amount of validation will work... .

[waverider]

The need for validation can be a bottomless pit just like any other aspect of neediness. No matter what you do it can't always be fulfilled.

Knowing that they can get validation out of you can cause them to want more too.

At the end of the day it is up to you to decide what is an appropriate level of validation, rather just handing out an endless supply on demand.

Do you feel like you are supportive and validating, or do you feel as though you are invalidating? Do you feel guilty about it? Or do you believe you do more than enough (given what you have learned about BPD) and his need for it is simply unrealistic?

In short who is driving this feeling of you not getting it right?

Try to be more objective when being critical of your own behavior.

[briefcase]

It's very easy to invalidate someone (especially if they have BPD).  As you work on this stuff, it does get more natural. 

Try to focus on what you think he is feeling when he says something that triggers you - and talk about those feelings, not the facts he raises.  Don't justify, argue, defend or explain anything.  Just listen to him (assuming he's not beng verbally abusive).  Then acknoweldge the feelings you hear him expressing - "You sound upset." You can also ask questions - "what happened?" which are also validating. 

Have you had a chance to watch the Fruzetti video in the validation workshop?  It's very helpful.   

 

[waverider]

I heard it explained once that they want you to help them put their feelings into words, but they dont want you to try to provide answers.

I found this works as demonstrating their feelings seems more important that getting answers. They often dont want closure on a subject and "can't be told what to do". It is often giving the answer to the apparent issue that gets you into strife

[Chosen]

waverider, I do think that he has a higher-than-normal need for validation, and that I can't necessarily fulfil all those needs.  What I need, though, is to try and minimise the chances of me invalidating him, often without me knowing.  I think half of these times I did say something which could be expressed better, or I really did not consider his deeper feelings at the moment, when the other half is him wanting to express his feelings by blaming me, and no amount of validation or careful talk could do anything.

briefcase, I have watched the video, but I think it's time to watch again... .

But a problem I encounter is: he often doesn't seem to want me to just listen.  After I listen he will want me to do something about it (and of course he assumes everything is wrong because I did it wrong).  And those are really not times for me to say "let's look at it logically, it has nothing to do with what I do... . ".  What am I supposed to do then?

[waverider]

waverider, I do think that he has a higher-than-normal need for validation, and that I can't necessarily fulfil all those needs.  What I need, though, is to try and minimise the chances of me invalidating him, often without me knowing.  I think half of these times I did say something which could be expressed better, or I really did not consider his deeper feelings at the moment, when the other half is him wanting to express his feelings by blaming me, and no amount of validation or careful talk could do anything.

briefcase, I have watched the video, but I think it's time to watch again... .

But a problem I encounter is: he often doesn't seem to want me to just listen.  After I listen he will want me to do something about it (and of course he assumes everything is wrong because I did it wrong).  And those are really not times for me to say "let's look at it logically, it has nothing to do with what I do... . ".  What am I supposed to do then?

When it comes to the point of providing an answer/ response /recommendation, try to put it back on to him to draw a conclusion or put forward a recommendation. All you do is sum up what you believe he is thinking. eg I hear you saying XYZ, what do you think would be a good thing to do about that from your point of view? Not saying you will agree to it, but it may take some of the second guessing out of it.

At the end of the day if you cant meet that need for validation, just accept you can't and don't feel guilty about it or allow it to stress you too much, you are doing your best, and he's lucky for that regardless of what he may say or think.

What I need, though, is to try and minimise the chances of me invalidating him

Change that to "what you would ideally like"... . not "what I need".