Jeckyl and Hyde

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Maybe her "contempt" for you is not completely personal, but a reflection on others in general?

Absolutely.  I asked her once to name some men that she felt were good examples.  She came up with her two brothers, her father, and one guy she used to work with a decade ago.  Am sure she could have named some others if pressed (a certain Pastor, maybe some other relatives).  But its a pretty small group.

When we met she had a checklist of what she was looking for in someone worth dating.  Literally a check list - written down.  There were something like 27 items on it.  So a pretty severe constraint list (and no doubt why she hadnt found the right person even though in her late 30's).  I met all but a couple - which is how I found out about the list because she told me this - it was meant as a compliment.  And at the time I took it this way - whereas if I had been more mature I might have taken it as a sign of something to run away from.  And later it turns out there were some that she thought I met but really didnt, and that caused the world to crash down and she felt terribly misled and lied to (which was partially true, but not to the degree she internalized it as... . ah, the world of dating) - which in many ways just reinforced her feelings about men.


But - this thread is about me.  Enough time spent analyzing my wife (how I interact is related, but all too easy to let our focus stray off to fixing the other person).  Back to my own demons... .

[yeeter]

Maybe her "contempt" for you is not completely personal, but a reflection on others in general?

Absolutely.  I asked her once to name some men that she felt were good examples.  She came up with her two brothers, her father, and one guy she used to work with a decade ago.  Am sure she could have named some others if pressed (a certain Pastor, maybe some other relatives).  But its a pretty small group.

When we met she had a checklist of what she was looking for in someone worth dating.  Literally a check list - written down.  There were something like 27 items on it.  So a pretty severe constraint list (and no doubt why she hadnt found the right person even though in her late 30's).  I met all but a couple - which is how I found out about the list because she told me this - it was meant as a compliment.  And at the time I took it this way - whereas if I had been more mature I might have taken it as a sign of something to run away from.  And later it turns out there were some that she thought I met but really didnt, and that caused the world to crash down and she felt terribly misled and lied to (which was partially true, but not to the degree she internalized it as... . ah, the world of dating) - which in many ways just reinforced her feelings about men.


But - this thread is about me.  Enough time spent analyzing my wife (how I interact is related, but all too easy to let our focus stray off to fixing the other person).  Back to my own demons... .

[Cumulus]

Hi yeeter I just have to say how fortunate those three children are to have you for a dad. Way to go.

[Wrongturn1]

Yeeter, I just saw this thread for the first time and so am late to the party.  Just wanted to say I'm glad you survived your health crisis b/c, to paraphrase Anthony Hopkins' line from "Silence of the Lambs", the world is a more interesting place with you in it.  (Hoping that reference doesn't come across as too psychotic or sociopathic.) 

Thanks for sharing your deep and introspective thoughts - I'd love to see you continue to post more on these topics b/c there are times when I ponder many of the same concepts.

[yeeter]

Was recovering nicely.  Then a little relapse put me back in the hospital but it reset in the night.  So waiting for the docs on a path forward again, but it's a process to get the meds all adjusted right.

Part of the questioning is about whether I am under unusual stress.  I said yes.  For how long, weeks or months?  In many ways, years now and it's gotten better in recent months.  I just said, prolonged stress.  I guess I have adapted to some degree and have no sense of what 'normal' even means

Did put in motion some changes on the job front.  So movement on that.  Change takes time

[Surnia]

Take care, yeeter. 

Sounds like your body, your health needs your support.

[zaqsert]

All the best, yeeter.  Here's to an easy recovery.

Glad to hear that you put in motion some of the changes that you wanted to.

[Wrongturn1]

Part of the questioning is about whether I am under unusual stress.  I said yes.  For how long, weeks or months?  In many ways, years now and it's gotten better in recent months.  I just said, prolonged stress.  I guess I have adapted to some degree and have no sense of what 'normal' even means

That's a very apt summation of life as a non.  I'll try to remember that general phraseology for the next time a physician asks me if I'm under stress. 

My job puts me under a lot of stress because I am continuously working in a role where one single mistake on my part could delay or even kill a billion-dollar project (with resulting consequences for myself and hundreds of others).  Still, dealing with my uBPDw is something that I find much more stressful than my job... . which means that I have no idea what a "normal" or "average" level of stress would feel like.

[yeeter]

First night out of the hospital, and 3:30 in the morning so everything is suspect. But lying here thinking, I am killing myself so I can have time with my children. Still not enough balance in my life. And I'm still afraid of my wife, and not asking for some of what I need

Some things I have accepted. Some I have tried but was harboring resentment, or sadness in it. So not fully accepting. And still trying to figure out how to change it, which isn't likely to ever happen on a number if items

More self reflection... .

[Grey Kitty]

  Those 3am realizations aren't something to discount. It really is your internal compass telling you that you aren't on the right path.

For many people, the risk would be doing something rash in response to it. I suspect that for you the risk is not doing enough instead.

Keep healing, both body and soul!

GK

[Want2know]

I hear ya... . I'm up at 3:42 in the morning. 

It's usually the time I wake up from some dream, and sit here and ponder what it means.  There's some nagging message in it and I'm trying to figure it out to see if I need to start doing some differently.  It's a vulnerable time, but I agree with GK, not a time to make important decisions until you wake up again and can put it in perspective.  Don't ignore the feeling or thoughts, just sit with them - you will find an answer.

You do have a lot of responsibility on your plate, children, job, marriage.  Figuring out the right thing to do for you and your kids can seem pretty overwhelming if you have serious reservations about remaining with your wife.

What helps me is to write out all the possible solutions in some kind of matrix.  Sounds goofy, but I've actually created flow charts, at times like these.  It really helped me play out every possible solution, which can sometimes make it clear what path to take.  So, at the top you have 'marriage'.  What are all the possible next steps with that?  Stay, separate, divorce - then you have to break that out and add in the children as variables, ie. separate and have kids, separate and she has kids, separate and have kids some of the time, etc.  Where do all those flows lead, and how do you feel about each one.  It seems like you are doing this in your head, but sometimes writing it out in a logical way can help.

Big hugs, Yeeter. 

[yeeter]

Well, in and out of the hospital over the last few weeks.  Earlier this week was just for observation, so in that way Im definitely on the right path.  Yesterday was the best I have felt in weeks.

So caught myself very quickly slipping into my old ways.  Want to do this... . have to do that... . etc etc.  And could feel the stress level rising.  And then a short time later could feel the effect on my body.

A key goal for myself:  Learn to crank it back a notch.  Its directly affecting my health.  And my nerves are shot - little things that really shouldnt bother me.  :)o.  Have lost all capacity to handle stress.  So I have went from a capacity much higher than normal, to a lower than normal capacity.  I shake my head even at the docs - when I express that there is very high stress in my life, they really dont understand at all and 'everyone is under stress.  In fact, a certain amount of stress is healthy to motivate you to get out of bed in the morning'  (was response of one doc - medicine as practiced to the mass market).  But its all laid out there for me to do.  Its my work.  Which ironically is, to do less work.  Something Im not very good at - its a bad sign when I was lying in the ICU and shared with the nurse that, its kinda relaxing to be in here - I dont have to do anything.

The adjacent work is to learn how to trigger relaxation when I am feeling stressed.  Tough to do.  Last night I read this suggestion to just repeat over and over that 'I need to feel good'.  It worked ( a little), in part because my job right now IS recovery, so yes... . I need to feel good... . to recover and maintain my long term health.

So last night was prepping for a soccer coaching clinic that is two full days.  Its not critical, but something I 'wanted' to do (positions me for spending time with my children).  And trying to recover (was just in the hospital on Wed night again), and another mistake I had made on a small item was bothering me.  So worked through it, and decided I can do without the full weekend of training.  More important to take the one day - that I have felt the best in weeks - and turn it into three days in a row.  

More work for me.  Or not work that is... .

[Want2know]

So last night was prepping for a soccer coaching clinic that is two full days.  Its not critical, but something I 'wanted' to do (positions me for spending time with my children).  And trying to recover (was just in the hospital on Wed night again), and another mistake I had made on a small item was bothering me.  So worked through it, and decided I can do without the full weekend of training.  More important to take the one day - that I have felt the best in weeks - and turn it into three days in a row.  

More work for me.  Or not work that is... .

Changing life long habits does take work... . the benefits are worth it, though.

Miss our Saturday morning PM's... . remember those from way long ago? 

[yeeter]

Indeed W2K, indeed.

In some ways I continue to do better and improve in the outlook.  In other ways, as lonely as ever (ok sounds like a self pity party - a little tired so time to go take a nap - everything works better with some sleep!  Can practice the new habits and get better rest/sleep)

[yeeter]

Recovery is not going as well as I had hoped.  Took a medical leave from work.

My wife has been stressing and expressing her displeasure.  This morning my S9 shared with me that he was going to get his sisters and go downstairs and play, 'to make mom happy'. He shared that she is upset and this might make her happy. I explained that it is not his job to make other people feel happy. He thanked me. And at the same time, I think he did it anyway - they played together beautifully for a few hours.

I have cranked the activities way back (which is part of what triggers my wife). I feel like I am failing my kids. By letting it get to me, it's affected my health and now I am

No good to them. The basic 'put your own lifevest on first' advice

I'm just not sure what to do.  I need to climb out of this and get my strength back. 

Just sharing here.  Not liking the current state and overall trend.

[Cumulus]

Hey yeeter, we are not super people able to overcome illness with sheer will power. Bodies require rest, peace and time to mend. As does the mind. Give yourself the space and time you need. Continue to let your children know that you love them, that is what they will remember. The quiet times beside you as you rest. Maybe get them to read to you or create a play for you. Right now they can enjoy your total and uninterrupted attention during this time away from work. Peace to you. Cumulus.

[yeeter]

Hey yeeter, we are not super people able to overcome illness with sheer will power.

Yes I can... . Dammit.   

You are right of course, what's needed most is to continue to crank it back and give the body time to heal... .

Health. And time. Truly are our most precious commodities. 

[connect]

Hey Yeeter,

Sending you good and relaxing vibes from the UK. I know a few people that have been in similar situations and after recovery changed their outlook on life slightly to incorporate some down time for themselves. Can you change your hours to part time at all? Like a semi retirement? Or with a note from the doctors maybe you could approach your boss and ask for reduced hours for say three months with a view to reviewing it later? To give yourself some breathing room? Get well soon and catch up on some films and books in the meantime  

[yeeter]

Thanks everyone for all the love and great advice.