"Won't your mother be soo happy"

[Depression = 72% of members]

I have two awesome little boys. I'm pregnant with my 3rd and final child: a girl! My husband and I are really excited about having a girl. My friends have shared in the joy. Life is great, normal, healthy and perfect.

Then, inevitably, my well-meaning (albeit forgetful) friends say something like "OH, and won't your mom be so happy!" *Cue record scratch* I gently remind the friend that my mother is mentally ill and we are not close. Whomp, whomp.

The reality is that my mother is ECSTATIC in her inappropriate BPD way. A hoarder and binge-shopper, I expect she'll buy every Disney princess in the catalogue and have them shipped directly to our house. She'll inundate me with garbage bags full of girls clothing from every thrift store in a 30-mile radius of her house. She'll complain about not seeing "her baby girl" enough. And, worst of all, she'll begin to ignore my sons. (Children she previously described as "THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN MY LIFE!"

Yes, my mother will be very happy it's a girl.  

[Levi78]

I have two awesome little boys. I'm pregnant with my 3rd and final child: a girl! My husband and I are really excited about having a girl. My friends have shared in the joy. Life is great, normal, healthy and perfect.

Then, inevitably, my well-meaning (albeit forgetful) friends say something like "OH, and won't your mom be so happy!" *Cue record scratch* I gently remind the friend that my mother is mentally ill and we are not close. Whomp, whomp.

The reality is that my mother is ECSTATIC in her inappropriate BPD way. A hoarder and binge-shopper, I expect she'll buy every Disney princess in the catalogue and have them shipped directly to our house. She'll inundate me with garbage bags full of girls clothing from every thrift store in a 30-mile radius of her house. She'll complain about not seeing "her baby girl" enough. And, worst of all, she'll begin to ignore my sons. (Children she previously described as "THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN MY LIFE!"

Yes, my mother will be very happy it's a girl.  

[GeekyGirl]

Congratulations! I'm sure there's a lot of pink in your future.

I can imagine that you would be uncomfortable with unwanted gifts and attention from your mother. Is there some way that she could be involved that fits your needs? If you're not ok with lots of Disney Princess stuff, it's reasonable to set that as a boundary, but is there something else that she could give to the baby, perhaps something that doesn't cost a lot? Maybe you could hint to her that you have a lot of things for the baby, but your sons could use some love and attention from their grandma? What would you be ok with?

[Levi78]

If you're not ok with lots of Disney Princess stuff, it's reasonable to set that as a boundary,

She does not listen to my wishes as a parent, never has. On the couple occasions that she has babysat, she has completely ignored my requests about food, TV, bedtime, you name it. (i.e. I provide healthy snacks; she takes them to McDonalds.)

As a binge shopper, she is at the whim of her sickness. She gives zero thought to how the gift will be received. Usually she shops thrift stores because she can buy massive amounts at a time. Occasionally she gets fixated on something specific and go nuts with that. When my son was three, she fixated on Toy Story. That Christmas she bought every Toy Story outfit they sold at the Disney Store, IN ADDITION to garbage bags of thrift store toys. (Just about everything she gives us is returned or donated.)

She's a sick lady. You can't reason with her like an adult. She either gets totally angry and/or breaks down into a sobbing mess.

[GeekyGirl]

I'd be pretty upset if my mother blatantly ignored my rules too.

You have a good plan already to donate toys that you feel aren't right for your kids.  If she's unwilling or unable to respect your rules, you may want to decide whether or not you'll accept what she will do with your kids. If you have a "zero McDonald's rule," which is understandable, it's probably not a good idea to let your mother feed the kids.

So knowing what you know about your mother and her lack of respect for your rules, what role, if any, do you see her having in your kids' lives? Are you ok with having her babysit? Would occasional supervised visits work better?

[Levi78]

So knowing what you know about your mother and her lack of respect for your rules, what role, if any, do you see her having in your kids' lives? Are you ok with having her babysit? Would occasional supervised visits work better?

We're LC. She lives two hours away and refuses to drive on the freeway. (Ironically, she used to be a bus driver in a large metropolitan city!) She only sees the boys a couple times a year, when we come to her. When the kids were really little, I was less concerned about her influence. Now that my oldest child is 5, he is asking more questions and remembering things. It's getting harder to explain why Grandma doesn't leave her house much and why we almost never see her. (Conversely, we see my MIL about every other weekend. She also lives pretty far away.)

I don't see a large role for my mother in my kids' lives. (My choice)

[Finding Courage]

I can totally relate to your post Levi78!  I have an infant daughter and I had very similar experiences.  When I was pregnant, everyone was like, "Oh, your mom is going to be so happy!" and "Will your mom come out for the birth?"  (She lives a few states away, my choice!)  It was very hard to explain to people that no, I absolutely could not have her at the birth as she would have made whole experience terrible.  And yes, she is excited but in only inappropriate ways.  My mom obsessed about me having children for years and years, even when I didn't have a partner and my life was in no position to have children.  She really wanted to have the trophy grandchild and someone new to enmesh with if she could (although I won't let that happen).  Her selfishness knows no bounds most of the time. 

For me, the lack of real bonding and support from my mom was difficult.  I felt sad a lot that I couldn't share the experience in the normal ways, especially when everyone expects that pregnancy is a time you will bond with your mother.  For me too, having a daughter was particularly emotional because I really want to create a positive mother daughter bond for my child. 

Anyway, you post really resonated with me.  Good luck!  Congrats on the pregnancy.

[okaythen]

Hi Levl!   Did I get your name right?

So not only do you want to prepare for the boys natural jealousy of the new sister-it's Grandma stuff too! My mom took my daughter over, as much as she could. Boundaries all over the place like crazy!

I am 52 and needed surgery, and when I could eat my mother actually wanted to feed me with a fork, which wasn't really necessary! As I looked at her I was amazed at the sheer happiness on her face! << that is just a seemingly random memory your post brought up in me.

I did want to share my baby girl with everyone, I wanted her to have all the love I could give her. I just didn't know then what I was dealing with. You seem to have your head on straight! Congratulations on your pink baby bundle of joy!

[jbtalt6]

Yikes! My uBPD/NPD Mil always wanted a daughter, but only had 2 sons. She would tell me that having a granddaughter would be "as good as having a daughter." Which said to me, she would take her over! Luckily my daughters were born during NC. When she found out we were having a little boy while we were still in contact with her, she said her "heart sunk." Nice, huh?

Congrats on the baby, and good luck dealing with Grandma! It's tricky for sure.

[Levi78]

Thanks for all the kind words everyone! This forum is awesome -- it's comforting to know that others are in the same predicament. 

Love to you all!  

[Islandgrl]

Hey Levi

I too can totally relate, I'm currently pregnant and I haven't told my uBPD mother (I live in another country at the moment).  My enmeshed sister is harassing me to tell her but I suspect she already has done so.  I have had the same comments as you, "oh isn't your mum excited" and so on.  It is hurtful as it reminds me how I don't have the mother I would like to have (or really the mother anyone would like to have!) and that this relationship and support is missing from my life.  It's hard to explain as others don't understand and often seem to think that I'm the one that's such a terrible person for not involving her but as I'm sure you understand there are good reasons to keep her away. 

Anyway congrats on your little girl! I'm having a girl too and I'm really pleased.  At least the charity stores will get some funds from your mums binge shopping and your redonation.  Sounds like you have made a lovely family for yourself.

[Levi78]

I have had the same comments as you, "oh isn't your mum excited" and so on.  It is hurtful as it reminds me how I don't have the mother I would like to have (or really the mother anyone would like to have!) and that this relationship and support is missing from my life.  It's hard to explain as others don't understand and often seem to think that I'm the one that's such a terrible person for not involving her but as I'm sure you understand there are good reasons to keep her away. 

I couldn't have said it better myself! My sentiments exactly.