Newbie Looking for Advice or Stories of Similar Experiences

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Hi All,

First of all, this forum has been a real help to me as I struggle to understand BPD and why my ex acted in some of the ways she did. She ended things with me on May 15, and at that time, I had no idea what BPD was. I knew she had problems, but I simply didn't have the proper context in which to put them. Now I am utterly convinced that she has BPD. If any of you have the patience to read (what I'm guessing will be long) my post, I would love some feedback. In the interest of not writing a novel, I will try to be somewhat terse, though I want to get everything in. For brevity, I will refer to my BP ex as "C".

C and I got close very quickly. She was extraordinarily open about her "issues" early on, and told me about how she was sexually abused by her grandfather, physically (and I think verbally) abused by her father, and raped as a teenager by a classmate. She also told me that she has no memories of parts of her childhood (which is quite common in those that were sexually abused). Something told me that she was probably a bad investment, but her intelligence, looks, charm, and energy were just flat-out intoxicating. She was also (or emulated) an amazing listener. Basically, this woman seemed to have in spades literally ALL of the good qualities I could ever hope to find in a woman (along with some not-so-good stuff, of course). I had never even come close to feeling a connection like this before.

Once we began our relationship, more issues started rising to the surface. I found out that she struggles with a fairly severe eating disorder. Her kitchen cabinet looks like a pharmacy. I have no idea how many medications she is on, but there are quite a few. She also became extremely jealous of my female friends. She wanted me to stop communicating with (and block on gmail, FB, my phone, etc.) any woman I had ever had romantic contact with. This didn't seem totally unreasonable, so I obliged. Ultimately, she got very jealous of my roommate (who happened to be female, though we had never been any more than platonic friends) and ultimately wanted me to cease all communication with every female friend, even the platonic ones. The jealousy goes much deeper than this, but for brevity, I will leave out the details.

Beginning in January of this year (we began dating in June 2012), she began (this seems to be quite common for BPs) a sequence of breaking up/getting back together with me. The break-ups were almost always precipitated by a fight of some kind, and most of them centered around me and platonic female friends. Drastic mood swings were quite common. One evening in March (of this year) while we were watching a movie, she paused it and asked me if I had contacted any women during our most recent break-up (mind you, *she* had broken up with *me* at this point and told me there was no chance we would ever get back together). I responded truthfully with 'yes'. All I had done was contact a female friend of mine that I lost touch with due to her jealousy. She *flipped out* and started throwing things. During this same break up (one of many) she had actually gone out on a date with another man and had been texting a man she had cheated on her ex-husband with. When I pointed this out this glaring double standard, she responded with something like, "It is none of your business what I did while I was married!" There was simply no reasoning with her. The night ended with her calling some guy to come over to force me to leave her place (in fairness to her, she did ask me to leave, but I said no. I could sense an impending break-up and wanted to "fix things" before it happened, as the break-ups were excruciatingly painful). She more or less insulted me to my face while she was on the phone with him, calling me a "real gem" while giving me the look of death. I simply couldn't take it, and so I grabbed the phone out of her hand and hung it up. After this, she broke up with me and told me I was abusive and had major anger issues. She said again that there was NO CHANCE we would get back together. We were back together two weeks later.

She would often put me in catch 22 situations. For example, she stole a dog from a neighbor. She claims it was because the dog was being neglected; I saw his living conditions, and he actually did seem to be, although this certainly doesn't justify her actions. Someone saw her do it, and the police came to her apartment. She lied to them, and then after another report from a witness, the police came back. She asked me to be there when the police came the second time, but I refused (she intended to continue lying). I told her that she was putting me in an impossible situation. If the police asked me any questions, I'd be forced to either lie to them or out her (I didn't take part in the stealing of the dog in any way). She was *very* hurt and accused me of being a coward.

Now, the conclusion. She broke up with me on May 15 after another fight (the gist: She wanted me to move out and not live w/ my roommate any longer. I told her I would be happy to do this, but I needed some evidence that our relationship had stabilized before doing so. Massive fight ensues... . ) Shortly after this (maybe a week later), she emailed me the following: "I've moved on, and am happy. I hope you too find what you are looking for: A real, true soulmate." She had blocked me on FB, but (I think) unblocked me the day she changed her status to "in a relationship" along with the comment, "He's amazing!" She had to have known how much pain I was in (I told her how badly I was doing shortly after the breakup), but just stuck a dagger in my heart and twisted. There was no reasoning with this woman. Everything was my fault, and ultimately, she viewed me as an evil jerk.

Sorry for the long post; I am just in a world of pain right now. My fractured mind and heart only think/feel one thing: I must get this woman back. Do I actually believe it is a good idea? No. But the feeling is so strong. I've never felt a connection like this before, and it feels like if we don't end up together, I will *never* find another woman I want ever again. I also blame myself for not figuring out sooner that she has BPD. I feel like if I had, maybe I could have been a better boyfriend, and maybe therapy would have made a difference. I poured love into this woman like crazy, but she simply couldn't contain it.

Can any of you relate? If anyone is comfortable sharing his/her story with me, I would be quite grateful. To anyone who actually reads my entire post and responds: Thank you from the bottom of my heart (what's left of it).

[ggoman]

Hi All,

First of all, this forum has been a real help to me as I struggle to understand BPD and why my ex acted in some of the ways she did. She ended things with me on May 15, and at that time, I had no idea what BPD was. I knew she had problems, but I simply didn't have the proper context in which to put them. Now I am utterly convinced that she has BPD. If any of you have the patience to read (what I'm guessing will be long) my post, I would love some feedback. In the interest of not writing a novel, I will try to be somewhat terse, though I want to get everything in. For brevity, I will refer to my BP ex as "C".

C and I got close very quickly. She was extraordinarily open about her "issues" early on, and told me about how she was sexually abused by her grandfather, physically (and I think verbally) abused by her father, and raped as a teenager by a classmate. She also told me that she has no memories of parts of her childhood (which is quite common in those that were sexually abused). Something told me that she was probably a bad investment, but her intelligence, looks, charm, and energy were just flat-out intoxicating. She was also (or emulated) an amazing listener. Basically, this woman seemed to have in spades literally ALL of the good qualities I could ever hope to find in a woman (along with some not-so-good stuff, of course). I had never even come close to feeling a connection like this before.

Once we began our relationship, more issues started rising to the surface. I found out that she struggles with a fairly severe eating disorder. Her kitchen cabinet looks like a pharmacy. I have no idea how many medications she is on, but there are quite a few. She also became extremely jealous of my female friends. She wanted me to stop communicating with (and block on gmail, FB, my phone, etc.) any woman I had ever had romantic contact with. This didn't seem totally unreasonable, so I obliged. Ultimately, she got very jealous of my roommate (who happened to be female, though we had never been any more than platonic friends) and ultimately wanted me to cease all communication with every female friend, even the platonic ones. The jealousy goes much deeper than this, but for brevity, I will leave out the details.

Beginning in January of this year (we began dating in June 2012), she began (this seems to be quite common for BPs) a sequence of breaking up/getting back together with me. The break-ups were almost always precipitated by a fight of some kind, and most of them centered around me and platonic female friends. Drastic mood swings were quite common. One evening in March (of this year) while we were watching a movie, she paused it and asked me if I had contacted any women during our most recent break-up (mind you, *she* had broken up with *me* at this point and told me there was no chance we would ever get back together). I responded truthfully with 'yes'. All I had done was contact a female friend of mine that I lost touch with due to her jealousy. She *flipped out* and started throwing things. During this same break up (one of many) she had actually gone out on a date with another man and had been texting a man she had cheated on her ex-husband with. When I pointed this out this glaring double standard, she responded with something like, "It is none of your business what I did while I was married!" There was simply no reasoning with her. The night ended with her calling some guy to come over to force me to leave her place (in fairness to her, she did ask me to leave, but I said no. I could sense an impending break-up and wanted to "fix things" before it happened, as the break-ups were excruciatingly painful). She more or less insulted me to my face while she was on the phone with him, calling me a "real gem" while giving me the look of death. I simply couldn't take it, and so I grabbed the phone out of her hand and hung it up. After this, she broke up with me and told me I was abusive and had major anger issues. She said again that there was NO CHANCE we would get back together. We were back together two weeks later.

She would often put me in catch 22 situations. For example, she stole a dog from a neighbor. She claims it was because the dog was being neglected; I saw his living conditions, and he actually did seem to be, although this certainly doesn't justify her actions. Someone saw her do it, and the police came to her apartment. She lied to them, and then after another report from a witness, the police came back. She asked me to be there when the police came the second time, but I refused (she intended to continue lying). I told her that she was putting me in an impossible situation. If the police asked me any questions, I'd be forced to either lie to them or out her (I didn't take part in the stealing of the dog in any way). She was *very* hurt and accused me of being a coward.

Now, the conclusion. She broke up with me on May 15 after another fight (the gist: She wanted me to move out and not live w/ my roommate any longer. I told her I would be happy to do this, but I needed some evidence that our relationship had stabilized before doing so. Massive fight ensues... . ) Shortly after this (maybe a week later), she emailed me the following: "I've moved on, and am happy. I hope you too find what you are looking for: A real, true soulmate." She had blocked me on FB, but (I think) unblocked me the day she changed her status to "in a relationship" along with the comment, "He's amazing!" She had to have known how much pain I was in (I told her how badly I was doing shortly after the breakup), but just stuck a dagger in my heart and twisted. There was no reasoning with this woman. Everything was my fault, and ultimately, she viewed me as an evil jerk.

Sorry for the long post; I am just in a world of pain right now. My fractured mind and heart only think/feel one thing: I must get this woman back. Do I actually believe it is a good idea? No. But the feeling is so strong. I've never felt a connection like this before, and it feels like if we don't end up together, I will *never* find another woman I want ever again. I also blame myself for not figuring out sooner that she has BPD. I feel like if I had, maybe I could have been a better boyfriend, and maybe therapy would have made a difference. I poured love into this woman like crazy, but she simply couldn't contain it.

Can any of you relate? If anyone is comfortable sharing his/her story with me, I would be quite grateful. To anyone who actually reads my entire post and responds: Thank you from the bottom of my heart (what's left of it).

[dimples2]

Count your blessings at this point. You were not married to her (it took me 22 years to figure out all of this with my husband). You didn't have children with her (I have 3 and they find their father frustrating and upsetting to deal with). You are are on your own now and have your life ahead of you (I am trying to figure out how to extricate myself from a very unhappy situation and when I'm in a good place mentally I think about how I could possibly have a future with a normal, stable man).

If she tries to recycle you back in, keep reading messages on this site. It's how I bring myself back to the point where I continue to plan my exit (after he's done all the sweet-talking and made empty promises for the 1000th time). You can only save yourself and with time, you will see things more objectively. Spend time with people in your life who make you feel good. I have tried to maintain friendships over the years but it's been very hard - he tries to alienate me from everyone and if that doesn't work, he acts inappropriately or muscles in to be their best friend.

The best thing I did was to finally tell a few people. They validated my feelings and were totally supportive (even though my husband presents as "the most incredible man in the world" to everyone outside our family). Get out there and do stuff with other people. Do not sit around and ruminate on the good or bad times you had with her. I feel instantly better when I'm out in the real world. It gives you perspective.

[eniale]

The pain is so bad for you because you were in a "Trauma bond" with her.  Such breakups are far more painful than a regular breakup.  I had no idea my ex had BPD, not diagnosed that I know of.  My therapist said she does not like to diagnose anyone without their being a patient, but from my description of always having to "walk on eggshells", his terrible mood swings, his fear of abandonment while at the same time his terror of real emotional intimacy, rages, she said I should research it.  I found something that gave a list of symptoms and said if person fits 5 or more of them, chances are they have BPD.  He hit all the marks.  He hurt me terribly, cheated on me while constantly asking me to be faithful to him.  I went 4 months NC & never expected to hear from him again.  After 4 months, got email "Can we be close friends?"  Then he went on to say he is in "a serious relationship, but not a day goes by I don't think of you.  You are so special.  I now know I have great affection for you and I greatly undervalued you and I don't want to lose contact with you."  Never a word of apology or an "I'm sorry."  And he said "I NOW know I have great AFFECTION for you"... . this guy convinced me he wanted us to belong to each other for the rest of our lives (his exact words.)  This is a cat and mouse game.  After a few emails I let him have it and told him ":)o you have any idea how you hurt me?  You asked of me something you could not give yourself (faithfulness).  You had no respect for me, you did not value the trust I had in you."  Have not heard from him since.  This is a shame based illness & they will not take responsibility.  You cannot help someone with BPD, only they can help themselves.  You can pour love into them and it won't help them, only ruin you.  They will take your soul.  You need to get away from them.  No contact the only way.

[ggoman]

Thank you both for your responses. It is very helpful to know that others feel as I feel. I never felt such pain in my entire life.

If anyone wants to respond to the following question, please do:

It feels like I will never again meet a woman I had such a strong connection with. Even if I can accept that she was toxic, I feel I will compare every new woman to what I thought I had with her, and none of them will measure up. Does anyone else feel this way?

[mango_flower]

Hi ggoman -

I can relate to you saying you will never again meet anyone you have such a strong connection with.  I know people with BPD try and sell us this story to get us hooked, but her and I really did have almost a psychic connection - if something bad would happen to me (rare), she'd be on the phone 2 mins later saying "are you ok? I had a bad feeling".  She was never wrong. We were so connected, that I feel that half of me is missing.

People tell me I will find a more normal girl, but I just want HER back the way she was (or how I THOUGHT she was!).  I don't think I'll ever find anybody I love as much. I used to just watch her sleeping and thank G-d for giving me my girl. I loved her so incredibly much, I cannot imagine that level of love for anyone else. It was so innocent and sweet, but now my eyes have been opened and my walls are up. I know in my heart I will never feel like that again, because part of it was so innocent and naive, you know?

Maybe one day we'll meet other people. But I know it'll be very different.  To me, she will always be the girl who taught me to love, the girl who sent me flowers every month to work, the girl who always put me first (until our bitter breakup).  The girl who needed me, the only girl I would ever have died for.  I loved her more than I could ever love myself.

Not healthy, but that's reality.

[eniale]

You really have to monitor your thoughts.  When I think of something I loved about him, I have to MAKE myself remember all the really cruel things he did.  I know there are happy, precious memories, things you ex said, etc.  What helped me a lot in the very beginning was reading "Clinging to the things you loved to hear" on this site.  Wow!  So many people feeling all that I felt, but they had moved beyond and were realizing things a BPD says or does mean nothing because they swing back  forth, there is no stability.  They mean the things when they say them; then the next day they are thinking something entirely else.  The most important thing to keep in mind:  THEY DO NOT THINK AS YOU DO.  THEY ARE NOT LIVING IN THE SAME REALITY AS YOU DO.  And it is the Trauma Bonding that makes you think you will never, ever find anyone as wonderful as they are.  They have DONE this to you.  You need to research it.  Any break up is painful, but if you have Trauma Bonded with the other person, you were made to believe that your only happiness existed with them.  You became emotionally dependent on them.  They take away your own power.  You are left feeling you have no power of your own.  Dangerous stuff, and why people suffer so much, so very much, from a relationship with someone with this disorder.  When you find yourself thinking this person can never be matched, you will never find another love so perfect for yourself, an alarm should go off that you have to work on yourself.  They had this affect on you; now you have to learn how to cut this destructive bond.

[rollercoaster24]

Hi all,

Oh God, this explains it all.

I am still in pain too, and feeling I will never love like this again, or find another man I feel this way about ever... .

I am angry, hurt, missing the good times, in pain over the eternally broken hope, the realisation that he has moved on, (and likely already had found replacements constantly).

I read all the posts about how this is the way for all of us, and yet, I still find myself hoping he will call, and tell me he is truly sorry for assaulting me, trying to kill me, destroying my stuff, invading my life, and destroying anything good that was in it, tell me that all those things he said about loving me only, were meant.

Instead, he ignores me, blocks me out of his life, without even a Goodbye, or any closure.

All because I was hesitant to go up and see him a week after he assaulted me and act like nothing had happened.

The response I got, was him arguing a point, and then screaming at me because I didn't agree with him, then he snarled that all he can think about is a roof over his head, (his parents have provided this for 13 years for free!), food, (his parents provide this too) and a job, (he has now been unemployed for 5 years and doesn't even apply for jobs).

I was trying to get a word in and say that he needed to show me that he would never do this to me again, and his final scream session, was "YOUR ARGUING WITH A POOR MAN", to which he hung up the phone with tremendous force, and has blocked me out of his life since.

I had rung his Mother a few days later, and she said it had been a hellish week for them with their son, he had smashed their house phone, but it was OK now, and he had fixed it for them.

She didn't really want to talk long, (as usual unless it is about herself) and added, "Move on with your life, as I said". She told me BP wasn't there anyway, (I never asked to speak with him) and then added she believed he had gone to the police station.

I believe that was an entirely bhity comment, designed to hurt, and I felt quite angry too, given what she has witnessed her son being capable of.

I said to her, that I wondered what hellish lies he would be telling them about me, she snorted and said she wondered what lies he would tell about them too, but I do believe she was trying to get rid of me.

Here is the irony.

All through my relationship with her son, (for the first two years he stayed at mine off and on) her and her husband, (BP's Father) encouraged me to form a friendship with them, and to turn to them for support with their son. They were the ones who filled me in on the truth, (which blew all the lies he had told me off the roof).

They told me he had always been this way, more so for the last 13 years that he had used their house as a crash pad.

They told me of the extreme violence, both verbally and physically, the troubles and threats with his other siblings, his past girlfriends, the doubt as to whether he was abusing hard drugs, the abuse they suffer, even whilst they continue to help him out, and the nastiness they cop as a result of it.

I just cannot believe the utter denial and how screwed up they are as well.

Only a month ago, BP's violence resulted in his Father being rushed to hospital for a damaged shoulder, (BP put a chair in his Father's way deliberately, during a conflict BP had instigated).

The Mother witnessed this, and accompanied the Father to the hospital, she has also witnessed the threats her son makes, (death to his parents), and she told me she had slept with the chain on their front door afterwards.

The Hospital staff explained that their son has no empathy, (well not lasting or consistent like most people's is).

Yet, nothing lasting is done.

When I spoke with her immediately after BP assaulted me on the 10th of June, she changed her mind, and said that she believed her husband was faking it/making it up like he always does.

I asked her if she believed I was making it up, silence, then she said NO, of course not.

Anyone have any ideas?

I think she is the biggest problem in that house, she sides with her son against her husband, and they both mock him at the dinner table and behind his back, or to his face, she runs to her son because husband doesn't come home, (believes he is cheating again) runs to son, tells him all about it.

Then, when son acts out, and gets angry with her too, she sides with the husband against the son... .

God, it used to make my head spin... .

[willtimeheal]

ggoman

I think we might have dated the same woman. I was recycled several times over the course  of four years. I was isolated from my family and friends. I did everything I could to show her that I love her but it was never enough. I made myself miserable in order to make her happy and it still wasn't enough. It took me four years to realize she has BPD my ex BPDs childhood was traumatic and abusive and she shared it with me quickly. We got close quickly and she made me feel like I could do no wrong. She put me on a pedestal in the beginning but then took great pleasure in knocking me off the same pedestal she put me on. She emotionally and verbally abused me and put me in a great depression. I blamed myself and thought if I just tired harder. I still miss and want her but I know she is toxic and for my own good and my own health I need to stay away. I work with a therapist and that has helped but also looking back on everything and finally acknowledging the red flags that were there that I ignored. I felt it in my gut when I first met her that something wasn't right but ignored it. Trust your gut and stay away no matter how hard it is. She is ill.

[Hurtbad]

GGoman,

You have come to the right place.  Yes, indeed, it is awful... . just terrible.  Your story rings true to many of us here.  MIne ended a bit like yours.  Three days after she asked me to leave... . I was to move out in a week, yes before i even moved... . she flew to another city to be with a guy she met on facebook.  When she came home, she was anxious to get to the drugstore for a morning after pill and a different form of birth control to please her new lover.  Next she posted photos of them on facebook.  Then, she took up stipping and lapdancing. Three months, plus, into this, I am lucky that I am not talking to myself.  This site has been a Godsend.

Now just so you know the other part of this.  I still love the ##@#@.  My heart is crushed.

You will try and make sense of it, and the only sense you will get is the sour stories that show you are not alone.  The mood swings, the anger, the breakups; and yes all the wonderful times.

You will need time, but it does get better.  Sometimes you will dip again, as I did this very weekend.  Please hang in there.  Oh, one more thing: It is worse than breaking up with someone who does not have these problems.  I am a middle aged guy who has seen a lot.  But nothing prepared me for the devastation and heartbreak.  So, as you can see, you are not alone, and you will get better.

Hurtbad.

[winston72]

Hurtbad, that is a terrible story!  What an awful sequence of events.  Hard to believe such things happen.  It is really appalling that someone could be so heartless and thoughtless and clueless. 

[Hurtbad]

THANK YOU WINSTON,

ONE OF THE BEST THINGS ABOUT THIS SITE IS THAT FELLOWS IN COMMON KNOW HOW BAD IT IS AND COMMISERATE.  ONE OF THE THINGS I HAVE LEARNED ABOUT MY BREAKUP IS THAT PEOPLE DON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT IT.  THEY THINK YOU SHOULD JUST SHAKE IT OFF; IT IS LIKE A TV SHOW TO THEM. THEY CANNOT RELATE TO THE PAIN.

THANKS AGAIN.

[ggoman]

Dear Hurtbad,

Thanks very much for posting your story. The more of them I read, the less alone I feel. I am only 1.5 months post break-up, and the pain is very palpable; indeed, it is there almost every second of the day.

For me, one of the hardest things to process about the breakup is that she could drop me on my head, speed away without looking back, and then be in a relationship with another guy just a week later. Meanwhile, I've been left completely alone to lick my wounds... . discarded like a used tissue.

I realize that she is ill and that the same fate that befell me will also befall this new "soulmate" she found. If I could just reach inside her and pull all the bad ___ out, I would be left with an amazing woman; I'd put a ring on her finger in a new york minute. :'(

[Hurtbad]

Hi,  I am sure you would.  So would I.  But it never really ends with this kind of issue... .   Just tonight my ex of three months posted a new background masthead photo of her with the guy she left me for three days after we broke up.  I opened some old wounds. But you will be glad to know that are not, nor will ever be as bad as those first few weeks which you are going through now.  Its funny, but I realize that a big part of my pain now, is that on some level, though I wish I had her back, I don't want to believe that she could do such painful things as she has done.  Because once I accept that, I know she is forever lost to me; which I realize she is.  Quite a paradox.  It is almost unbelievable to me. This site has helped me a great deal and it will help you.  This thing we are going through... . and I am not religious mind you... . is like Jesus asking his father on the night before his crucifixion, if he will "let this cup pass from me."  But he has to drink it and go through it.  We have to drink this bitter thing and move forward.  There is no other place to go.  So we here have one another, and it helps a lot.  you stay strong as you can, and stay in touch. 

[Billa]

The pain is so bad for you because you were in a "Trauma bond" with her.  Such breakups are far more painful than a regular breakup.  I had no idea my ex had BPD, not diagnosed that I know of.  My therapist said she does not like to diagnose anyone without their being a patient, but from my description of always having to "walk on eggshells", his terrible mood swings, his fear of abandonment while at the same time his terror of real emotional intimacy, rages, she said I should research it.  I found something that gave a list of symptoms and said if person fits 5 or more of them, chances are they have BPD.  He hit all the marks.  He hurt me terribly, cheated on me while constantly asking me to be faithful to him.  I went 4 months NC & never expected to hear from him again.  After 4 months, got email "Can we be close friends?"  Then he went on to say he is in "a serious relationship, but not a day goes by I don't think of you.  You are so special.  I now know I have great affection for you and I greatly undervalued you and I don't want to lose contact with you."  Never a word of apology or an "I'm sorry."  And he said "I NOW know I have great AFFECTION for you"... . this guy convinced me he wanted us to belong to each other for the rest of our lives (his exact words.)  This is a cat and mouse game.  After a few emails I let him have it and told him ":)o you have any idea how you hurt me?  You asked of me something you could not give yourself (faithfulness).  You had no respect for me, you did not value the trust I had in you."  Have not heard from him since.  This is a shame based illness & they will not take responsibility.  You cannot help someone with BPD, only they can help themselves.  You can pour love into them and it won't help them, only ruin you.  They will take your soul.  You need to get away from them.  No contact the only way.

I could have written it myself. Never had a "I'm sorry" from him, but every word i said, out of rage, when he provoked me, accused me of having done things I never did, told me very painful things, was recorded by him and used to stress how I WAS unstable and how much he was "afraid I could do something negative" some day... . The reason for being considered unstable? after one of his splitting, once, I told him he was a "fu... . insensitive person". That's all. As for him, he told me all sort of things, but this didn't count at all. When he reminded me of the things I'd said, I always answered back reporting what he had said to me, instead. He never uttered a sole word about it, he simply ignored what I was saying.

[eniale]

For Billa,

Each story is a little different, but there are always similarities, too.  At time of breakup last Feb., my ex actually said "You deserve a stable guy."  So he does have some self awareness.  And he is right, that is what I deserve.  It helps somewhat to know he recognized himself as unstable, but after this last contact, I know he can only cause me pain.  Not sure how long it has been for you, or how you are really doing, but I believe NC is the only way.  In addition, very helpful to research Trauma Bonding.  You can google it.  It explains why bond is very, very difficult to break, but it can be done.  I was doing fine after 4 months.  Should not have allowed further contact, but I did get a few things off my chest.  Now it is definitely NC for me.

[willtimeheal]

I gave in to every one of my BPDs demands and when she finally had everything she wanted... . it still wasn't good enough.  She found something else to complain about and blame me for.  Bottom line... . nothing is ever good enoough and you are always at fault and the reason for their unhappiness. 

[clover528]

Hi ggoman -

I can relate to you saying you will never again meet anyone you have such a strong connection with.  I know people with BPD try and sell us this story to get us hooked, but her and I really did have almost a psychic connection - if something bad would happen to me (rare), she'd be on the phone 2 mins later saying "are you ok? I had a bad feeling".  She was never wrong. We were so connected, that I feel that half of me is missing.



[/quote

I could have written this. Those things happened too many times to mention. Along with conversations about random things and saying obscure words at the same time to describe a situation or position. It was uncanny at times. I believe that they have listened so intently to us and us to them that we actually knew patterns of speech etc. That explains the use of similar terms. The calls out of the blue? Maybe coincidental. PwBPD have magical thinking. We, by proxy, can get sucked into that same kind of thinking and I believe maybe I began thinking magically when these coincidences actually occurred. Granted, the chemistry between us and our pwBPD is undeniable, but unhealthy. I am trying to dismantle the dream relationship. The fairytale of it all. It is very difficult to separate ourselves from what were poetic words and a moment of loving  actions, and the real  actions with excesive traumatic words. That is the hardest part of healing for me right now.

[eniale]

Willtimeheal:

You said "nothing was ever good enough" -- the important thing here is for you to remember that this is their disorder, and NOT because YOU were not good enough, or did not do enough.  They are masters at making you feel that way.  I can't begin to tell you the absolutely bizarre things my ex would come up with to "start something" & now I realize it was usually after he felt we had become too emotionally close.  I would always try to calm him down:  now I realize I was always "the defense attorney" pleading my case for our relationship, while he sat there, arms folded, like a hostile jury.  The energy I wasted on this relationship!  But you are caught; entangled in a trauma bond.  You don't realize it at the time.  And that is why a breakup with a pwBPD is so difficult!  It takes a lot of time & effort to come to terms with this.  If you are a normal, you don't have a clue as to how they got in your head (and heart).  They will never make you happy.  You will never have a normal relationship, with all its normal ups & downs.  I know now my relationship was toxic. 

[willtimeheal]

Eniale

I do realize there is nothing wrong with me. She is mentally ill. I realized it when I offered to tell my family about our relationship... . this was the one thing she always wanted. But this didn't make her happy she pushed  me out again and found another reason to blame me for our relationship ... . my friends.

My friends are now the reason why our relationship does not work and she is unhappy. Whatever. The bit·h is never happy. And I get that now. She will never be happy and she will never be able to make me happy. She has such a distorted view of the world and she doesn't want to get help. I have been lied to so many times an  hurt so many times. I know what she is capable of and I am protecting myself but it is hard. I miss her.

[winston72]

The last few posts on this thread really zap me. 

A common exchange between would occur during or shortly after a time of real closeness... . say a weekend of being together and doing simple things... . by Sunday evening she would say, "You don't really want me, do you?"  I would be so caught off-guard... . and would typically asset quickly, "Of course I do!"  And then we would be off to the races.  I would be elaborating on how much I want her and everything in our relationship that supported this... . I was quick to defend myself and the relationship and myself.  I was gliding down the rabbit hole without any awareness that I had left solid ground.  It rarely, if ever, dawned on my that maybe she was really saying, "I am feeling at risk from this intimacy and am insecure about my desirability."  Or, "I am afraid that I will lose this good feeling because you will leave me."  Nope, I defended my case as though I was making oral arguments at the Supreme Court.

Now I reflect on it and it makes some sense to me.  I was being spontaneous in my reaction.  I was also responding from my own insecurity and fear of inadequacy.  I heard her saying, "I am not feeling close to you.  I am not feeling your desire for me."  And this freaked me out because I was so desirous of her in every way.  These interactions would leave me feeling so anxious and frustrated and inadequate.  I felt like I could not communicate to her how strongly I felt.  Over time, I felt negated and powerless... . and this drove me to try harder and harder.  I "heard" her saying that my love and desire for her was not enough to make an impact on her.  It certainly was not being received in the manner that I felt it.  Rather than stepping back and reflecting on the dynamic, my alarms went off and I dove in deeper. 

And, of course, nothing ever quite hit the mark with her.  Truly, in the long run, nothing quite satisfied her.  There was lots of gratitude in the short run, lots of thank yous and lots of expressions of love and warmth and affirmation.  But, in the overall sweep of things, she let me know that it was just not quite right.  It is a toxic chase... . just enough to believe that just a bit more effort would make us both happy.  And, as we went along, her solution to these times of disconnection, were for us to get married.  I thought that making a lifetime commitment to this sense of frustration was unwise. She thought marriage vows would solve the issue.  I wanted to continue to grow, she wanted to get married or end the relationship.  As she would say, "All or nothing!"  While I agree with and like that full commitment, it felt premature and out of sync with the status of our communication and trust.  And... . it ended.  I honored her request for all or nothing.  I could not yet deliver all, so it became nothing.  It sounds sensible as I type, but it feels confusing! 

Hmmm... . this post got away from me!

[willtimeheal]

Winston72

My BPD used to always say don't ever leave me. Promise you will never leave me. I was always pleading my case that I never would. That I loved her more than anything and i would never leave. We would be watching tv and she would look at me and tell me how much she loves me and I would tell he  I loved her and she would respond "are you sure?"  She would then say I will leave her because I am too good for her. I tried to convince her I would never go but she did everything she could to push me out. She always says even to this day that i left... . but she is the one who broke up with me. Got a new boyfriend within two weeks and moved  in with him and she continues to text me and say she loves  me. I never went anywhere she couldn't handle being loved and cared for. She never had that before and it scared her. She couldn't trust it so she sabatoged it    and blame  me for it. I know it isn't me and I did all I can and I need to protect myself but it still hurts.