Social Boundary Breaking

[Isawthegapagain]

'U' here. My BPD-fiancee and her BPD-mother are both unwell at the moment,

and are very symptomatic. They are ripping through short term anger bursts,

taking out their insecurities/symptoms out on innocent people. A female friend

of mine just alerted me that 'H' and 'B' (H = BPD-fiancee, B= her BPD-mother)

tried to get her fired. It is true that some BPD 'get over on other people', but

her manager seemed to recognize that these were two mentally-unwell people

that were not to be taken seriously, that is, to be taken as they were acting

in the first place. This is serious, and I am wondering on how to stop this from

happening now, and in the future. They can be very vitriolic and dangerous people.

I am afraid at many times of what they may try to do to me, and I am a sensitive

person who is aware they 'do not need to live in fear', but it causes me a great deal

and those who I know a great deal, of anxiety, pain, and anger (I feel more

hopelessness than anger at times).

What would you suggest?

What can one person do?

Is there a need to take out a no-contact on these people?

Do I need to suggest that my friend get a restraining order?

I mean, is this very extreme behavior? I really am -afraid-.

It's unacceptable and pretty much evil behavior.

I know they are suffering from a mental illness.

But what is there to do?

It's so sad.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Rockylove]

This is serious, and I am wondering on how to stop this from

happening now, and in the future. They can be very vitriolic and dangerous people.

I am afraid at many times of what they may try to do to me, and I am a sensitive

person who is aware they 'do not need to live in fear', but it causes me a great deal

and those who I know a great deal, of anxiety, pain, and anger (I feel more

hopelessness than anger at times).

oh my... . oh my oh my!  All I can say is there is NOTHING that you can really do to stop their behavior.  You can only take steps to stop them from causing you grief by setting very clear boundaries.  I'm so sorry this is happening to your friend, but she will have to be the one to take the steps she needs to take to preserve her sanity (and her job).  You are not responsible for the world... . just YOU.  Take care of yourself.  Living in fear is not the best place to live.   

[Isawthegapagain]

Rockylove, that's a really great point. One I must repeat and feel and learn.

I have a question, and I'm sure I'll be asking this a lot, at least for now,

how many people here have BPD-family members, specifically, romantic partners, that are -in treatment, interested and learning in it- ?

DBT comes to mind.

What do you think about this?

[Rockylove]

My husband is not diagnosed.  I'm a newly wed.  We've been together for 2 years, but just recently married (as in last Saturday) and it would NEVER have happened had it not been for the lessons, tools and support I've received here.  My cousin is a wonderful resource as well and has many years of counseling experience with difficult people.  If I have any advise, it is to get yourself strong and secure.  Know who you are and what you find tolerable in a relationship.  There are soo many things that would be deal breakers in an average relationship (without BPD) that I've had to "radically accept" and that's been the most wonderful and enlightening experience I can imagine.  I'm a very patient person and that helps, but I'm also willing to work on what I know to be my own issues and that's the most important thing I can do for my relationship.  Learning the techniques of DBT have been a salvation for us.  There's so much less turmoil now. 

[Grey Kitty]

DBT is recommended.

Has either of them been diagnosed with BPD by a mental health professional?

Is either of them willing to get treatment for it?

These links may help you:

The basic principles behind Dialectical Behavioral Therapy

Helping a loved one with BPD seek treatment

A female friend

of mine just alerted me that 'H' and 'B' (H = BPD-fiancee, B= her BPD-mother)

tried to get her fired.

... .

Do I need to suggest that my friend get a restraining order?

I mean, is this very extreme behavior? I really am -afraid-.

It's unacceptable and pretty much evil behavior.

I think the choice really is up to your friend, not you. If your friend doesn't feel safe, she could try that route.

You have plenty of things being done directly to you to address. Let them have their own interactions with other people.

As for your question about using No Contact; We seldom use that tool when we are trying to stay in and work on a relationship. Many people have needed it after leaving a relationship with a pwBPD.

[Isawthegapagain]

Ah, Rockylove, I see. That sounds a little confusing, but am I hearing you say that your (congratulations, btw!) new husband is not 'officially' diagnosed, but by all other means and ways fits the diagnostic criteria properly?

I am wondering what the amount of people on here, us, the 'nons',

what percentage of us 'have' loved ones who are actually 'self-aware-enough' to seek therapy for it's own merit,

for their own self-improvement and life-fulfillment,

and furthermore, how many seek it just to stay in relationships (call that the 'topical fix'... .

and also what percentage of 'us' are actively training ourselves to learn how to deal with a symptomatic BPD-loved one at the same time as the other, learning to control their disorder?

Greykitty, I love how 'here' you are for us newcomers. You're such a welcoming presence, it is making a huge ease, that is, it's so helpful and stress-reducing in my coming to this site for help!

The first link doesn't work!

A few links don't I've noticed, perhaps a little upkeep, maybe even at some point down the road I can help with that, but for now,

I've not been able to see a few pages with resources on them,

and a video here and there is labeled as 'private'.

Little things aside, I do not think the mother-BPD is officially-diagnosed, and I see little hope, sadly, for her and her journey towards healing from BPD. I might be wrong, completely.

My BPD-fiance, I really need to update with the situation day to day, I think it will be telling and the more info, as long as not overloading, will provide the most-accurate picture ... . but she is willingly seeking treatment, so she says, and it still is at this point just about trying to be around me.

You may have seen in my previous post(s), she showed up at my house last night, and then after switching to angry-mode, did call the police on me. Today I have not interacted directly with her, however, making gestures on facebook indirectly trying to let her know that I acknowledge her and that I -do- care, so much. I posted a song I know means a lot to us both. she last noted to me that 'this is her punishment for calling the cops'... . but I won't respond.

today, both of my parents were saying I should just change my phone number... . completely block her out.

my friend said the same to me yesterday... . but I tell them that I know its hard, I know the mother and her can be threatening, and the mother really is not my issue, nor 'concern' (I hope she's ok, I want no one to suffer, or really be hurt, at all), but my concern is of course my love. And I just ... . I can't let go yet, no matter how close I feel I can be to 'pulling the plug'... . that would just make her worse... . ? ... . -sigh-

[Blazing Star]

I am wondering what the amount of people on here, us, the 'nons',

what percentage of us 'have' loved ones who are actually 'self-aware-enough' to seek therapy for it's own merit,

for their own self-improvement and life-fulfillment,

and furthermore, how many seek it just to stay in relationships (call that the 'topical fix'... .

and also what percentage of 'us' are actively training ourselves to learn how to deal with a symptomatic BPD-loved one at the same time as the other, learning to control their disorder?

Hi Isaw,

There are lots of us here working on/with both the above. For those of us lucky enough to have a pwBPD who is seeking treatment we also realise it's a two-way street and we are working on our own stuff too. As others have said, the tools on the site are great! Have you had a look at the lessons yet? (on the right side bar).

You sound compassionate and it is great that your fiance is willingly seeking treatment! How is that going? Are you also seeing a Therapist?

Love Blazing Star

[Grey Kitty]

Whups, let me try again on that link:

The basic principles behind Dialectical Behavioral Therapy

Sorry 'bout that.

You mentioned the police being called, and also physical abuse in your profile. She sounds like she is very impulsive and unpredictable when she gets dysregulated.

I'm afraid you may be at risk of being harmed, or at risk of being arrested yourself, or being falsely accused. Please read this link for your own safety:

TOOLS: Domestic Violence Against Men

[waverider]

I am wondering what the amount of people on here, us, the 'nons',

what percentage of us 'have' loved ones who are actually 'self-aware-enough' to seek therapy for it's own merit,

for their own self-improvement and life-fulfillment,

and furthermore, how many seek it just to stay in relationships (call that the 'topical fix'... .

The biggest issue with BPD is that denial and delusion forms a large part of it. So we have RS's where a pwBPD

a)flat out denies there is anything wrong

b) says their partner is the mentally ill one

c) knows there is something wrong but denies its BPD

d)may reluctantly attend therapy under duress, and learns nothing and becomes more resentful

e)Genuinely wants therapy but doesn't have the commitment to stick at it.

f) Tries their best but the non partner doesn't have the supporting skills so fails.

g) Wish to attend therapy but there is either nothing affordable, or available

h) Attend therapy, but the type, or the therapist, is incompatible and does more harm than good

i)Completes therapy but it is a hard rocky process but eventually becomes symptom free

j) Everything goes like a dream, complete therapy and becomes symptom free.

k) Eventually becomes symptom free but during the process you are now both completely different personalities (remember the white goes too) and are now incompatable

The catch 22 is that they probably need therapy to learn the commitment skills to effectively attend therapy.

Their future is unknown and out of you control, which is why we focus on what we can do now to make OUR lives more stable, we have some control over that. Without stabilizing us first they are unlikely to build on themselves, as we need to provide the stable foundation of the RS.

The best result most of us aim for is a happy manageable yet maybe dysfunctional RS. Disorder fee is a ideal but not always an attainable goal. A lifetime of dysfunctionality is hard to eradicate and there are often a lot of life skills that have just passed them by.

[briefcase]

It's also best not to tell her that you think she (or her mother) has BPD if they have not already been diagnosed.  It can do more harm than good.   My wife is undiagnosed and not in any treatment, but she has strong BPD traits.  I don't know the actual percentages, but I'd say we have a pretty good mix of members whose partners aren't in any treatment and members whose partners are. 

Our Lessons and tools here work in either situation and are really more for us than our partners anyway.