MIL to DIL with BPD traits

[mil2bpd]

As most, this is not a pleasant story to write about as it is affecting the dynamics of our family. I just deleted all the particulars as its unnecessary and I don't want to divulge all the details just yet.

Suffice to say, up until this past week, we had all had what I thought to be a wonderful and close relationship. But due to some very passive-aggressive communication on her part, which I ultimately called her out on, I became aware of how deep this issue is with her. I am, sadly, not surprised, as her mother - with whom she is attempting to re-establish ties now that she is a young mother herself (and struggling with in some respects, in both roles) is a diagnosed BPD and she herself comes from a very troubled background.

This ultimately led to a direct dialog in which she, my son, husband and I had a conversation. It turned heated as she was setting some very severe ground rules which were shocking to us, and I in turn informed her how much this saddens me, in fact it annoys and angers me, too. But I've been aware for some time of her need for control but I wasn't going to put up with it any longer, I've been pandering to her enough. I've been letting her lies slide but I'll be calling her out on them going forward. I believe I understand where all this is coming from but this is not up to me to address it is up to her therapist. I concluded with we've discussed all that we can on the issue for one night, it's been draining and now I have to disengage from further conversation. She wanted to tell me more, about how I disrespect her, but I said I'm sorry, I'm going to have to ask them to leave now.  That was the last we've spoken.

I think we all need time for this to sink in. Am I surprised at this turn of events? Yes and no. I had a hunch she had this in her make-up. I knew she admired me; she has told me so. She is engaging in splitting now. The conflicts that she had with her mother from long ago are no doubt re-emerging as she tries to re-establish a bond with her mother. But her mother is damaged, it's not going to happen. I feel like I am taking the brunt of the rage aimed at her mother.  I'm a safer target. Doesn't mean I have to take it.

Yet... . I feel for her pain. I feel for my son. And I feel for my grandchild.

I would like to express to her that she lashed out at me, I feel she attempted to wound me. She did inflict  damage, more so to our relationship than to my ego. However, I will be there to support her. She needs help and guidance beyond my capabilities. She asked me in the email, "How am I suppose [sic] to feel?"  THAT is what she needs to work on.  I cannot tell her how she is supposed to feel. She needs to identify that for herself. Once she can feel, once she articulate those emotions and feelings, then we can talk.

Does this make sense? How can we go about healing? How can we prevent a further rift?

[Kwamina]

Hi mil2BPD  

Yes your story makes sense! It's good you're committed to setting firmer boundaries moving forward, that's really important in dealing with people with BPD. I also see you've already got some important coping skills that will help you, not taking the things she says personally and realizing that there's something seriously wrong with her will really help you. There is professional help available for people with BPD, often we loved ones get dragged in trying to save them but you already made the valid point that the help and guidance she needs is beyond your capabilities.

I'm curious about one thing, you say that up until this past week, you all had what you thought to be a wonderful and close relationship. But you also say that the turn of events doesn't completely surprise you. Were there any signs of BPD behavior in her before? Or is it because her mother is BPD you always thought she might be too?

[mil2bpd]

Thanks so much for your reply and encouraging support, Kwamina.

Yes, I can see how that sounds like a bit of a contradiction. We have shared a close relationship. I admit some of that was my own projection and needs; I have treated her in some respects like the daughter I've never had. I gladly took her shopping for her wedding gown as her mother was too distanced, disinterested and, dare I say, jealous to do so. My DIL never knew her birth father - she is of mixed race and I believe there has been some resentment from her mother that she never had the stability of marriage in the early years of raising her daughter. My DIL's eventual stepfather - from whom her mother is now separated - was physically abusive, her mother verbally so, her stepbrother the favored child. The dye was cast.  I admit, too, I saw part of my own fragile former self in her and I reached out to take her under my wing. My protective wing. That ultimately does no good; like a parent who tries to be more of a friend to a child when a child needs and craves guidance and boundaries.

My DIL has had some unstable relationships with women. Of the four in her bridal party, she no longer has ties with any. That was always curious to me. Most of her friends, prior to meeting some since her child's birth, have been  my son's friends. In fact, now that I think about it, her friends were older women - mother figures. One of whom she subsequently had a falling out with.

She is prone to "tall tales", embellishing the truth. She has a fragile self-esteem hidden behind some bravado and takes simple things as criticisms.  She has a tendency to want to control -- one of my sons has referred to this as the "[DIL] Show". She will not accept blame, she deflects even the smallest of things. When she had a stormed off during a tiff with my son at a family outing, she had my son apologize for his behavior to everyone even though it was clear her behavior was the one that should have been followed with a "gee, my bad - sorry you had to see that, I was having a rough time of it there".  I tried to talk to her about that episode shortly afterwards but her eyes got very steel-like and impenetrable. I could see I wasn't going to make any headway; the defenses were up full force.

That's some background.  Again, I appreciate your taking the time to explore, in so doing it opened my eyes to some other areas I'd not realized.

[swampped]

Hello, MIL, from one with a similar story.  And    We are nearly five years into this journey, and my heart aches for you.  Our DS has recently divorced his uBPD wife, but the drama continues, especially around his visits with GD4.  A long story also, which I will spare you, but I just wanted to let you know you are not alone in this pain.  This site has been a wonderful resource to me, as I seek to understand and accept our powerlessness over this terrible BPD.  I'd encourage you to read and read some more, both on this board, and on the other L5 board about parenting a child with BPD.  Also,  I don't have to make everything all better by Gary and Joy Lundberg, as well as the Stop Walking on  Eggshells books have been very helpful to me.  When you are ready, look at Buddha and the Borderline, by Kiera Van Gelder, which explains the pain of the pwBPD in a way that opened my eyes to our exdil's struggles.  We also have found great support in AlAnon, which we got involved with when we thought that drinking was the source of the problems. My dh and I have come to the conclusion that as long as we feel that our gd4 is being cared for, our best approach is to be supportive, to treat her mother with "medium chill", and to support our DS in his attempts to get along.  Our attempts in the past to intervene have often backfired, and we simply have to pray that out of this mess will come something good for that dear little girl.  Any attempt on our part to interfere risks alienating us from one or both of her parents, and in the long run could well cut us off completely from the chance to impact gd's life for good.  I think this is in some way what they refer to as "radical acceptance"---or at least our version of it at this stage.

This may not be what you would like to hear right now, but it is what I believe, after struggling to understand and accept this illness.  Please keep reading, and posting and know that you have friends on this board.  You will be in my thoughts and prayers.       Swampped

[mil2bpd]

Swammped, I see I have a compadre in you. Sad we have to be here together but it does help, doesn't it? Yes, the center of the situation is the GC. I hope my DS and DIL do get the help they need to get through this with their marriage intact. It will not be easy, that much I know.

I appreciate the book suggestions.  From my professional life and background I am familiar with Randi Kruger's work; I don't know the Buddha and the Borderline but I have just ordered the book Stop Caretaking the Borderline.

We have had a bit of NC with the kids since an episode at our home this past week. My husband left him a v/m followed by my email to his work address in which I told him that I am deeply saddened and troubled by the events of the past week and that you, once again, feel he is caught in the middle of this. I understand that DIL comes from a deeply flawed childhood and is struggling now to form bonds with her mother. That, however, does not excuse her from acting out against me in the manner in which she is trying to cast me as the victim and using him as a buffer.

I included the dynamics of the Karpman Triangle that  she is using, starting they are common strategies for someone with her background and while I may understand the dynamics, I refuse to be pulled into the game. It is not necessary to discuss these with her - it would be like trying to explain the mechanism of buoyancy to someone who is flailing about while drowning - but I think it's important that he be aware of them, as I am.  He are being sucked into the role of rescuer; it is a potentially dangerous enabling role.

I reinforced that love the two of them, want the best for them and your their child.  I believe DIL in particular is in dire need of professional help on a very intense level. She is engaging in splitting behavior and it is disruptive to the family. It must be stopped but she requires guidance to do so.  And she does require support. I will provide that to her, within boundaries.  I had to lay those down. It may be necessary to keep such discussions brief if we are to move forward and I believe that is possible to do.  All parties must be respected in this process - it is not a one way street. In discussions the other night I had to prevent things from escalating especially with DH as he felt particularly side-swiped by all this.  We need to honor everyone's feelings here.

It would be best to re-group to discuss ongoing concerns and how to move forward, as well as underscore our support during this tumultuous but necessary growing period. I will back off from the psychological background and leave that to others more qualified to explore.

We've always had a close relationship with DH. We believed we had with DIL, as well, and certainly with our DGH. We have a crib for him here, toys. We were present at his birth. We want to keep our line of communication open, we want to keep our hearts open along with our compassion. But we need to draw a line in the sand. Whether they -- or more specifically she -- respects that line and comes to understand its purpose, remains to be seen. And that, right now, is keeping me in anguished anticipation.

Thank you for understanding. Best to you and your family... .

[Tess Russell]

Hello! I can totally relate to your story, and I too am impressed with your understanding of these issues and your ability to handle your situation and dil. Mine has done all the same things including alienating me from my son. They are now expecting their third child in two and a half years, and my husband I basically have no contact with them.

My son has allowed her to vilify me, so all the blame for everything is directed toward me. Between the two of them, they have managed to create such craziness in our family that there is no sense of family at all anymore.

It has taken me almost the whole three years to get to the point of feeling ok to go NC and to find other joys in my life and other "family".

This is such an insidious illness that infects everything and everyone it touches. I wish you continued strength and a strong connection with your son! Tess

[mil2bpd]

Oh, Tess, I am so sorry to hear you are NC from your DS and DIL. It sounds like you have made peace with the situation as best you can, though -- and given the crazy making scenario they can stir up, it sounds like it is for the best. My heart goes out to the children being raised in such a household.

In reading over my post, I see some typos that occurred when I copied and pasted some of what I had written to DS so I'm glad the text still came across as logical and comprehensive. My goal here is to TRY to address this situation head on and get them both the professional help they need.

While it's flattering, if that's the word, that my understanding and ability to handle this situation has been admired, it's not necessarily going to be the "fix" this situation needs and in fact may be seen as another threat to DIL -- she has always said how much she admires me and now that she's deep in the throws of splitting my strength and knowledge may very well be the attributes she uses and rallies against me.  I get the push-pull. I've seen this acted out before.  It IS crazy-making behavior. 

There's hope for reconciliation; that I know. My MIL was a borderline-queen/witch. She made my life miserable and I resolved NEVER to be like her, treat my children or God forbid my DIL like her so it's ironic to be in this position now. I never hurled insults at my DIL the way my MIL had at me, treated my GC with such indifference. But where are we traveling cross country over the upcoming long holiday weekend? Why, to visit MIL!  She's in advanced stages of dementia now -- in the beginning stages, which began after we made amends, she told me how she always found my nature to be so calming and soothing, I knew that, didn't I?  Well, no, I hadn't known she felt that way. But it sure explained a lot. I am looking forward to putting my arms around her when I see her, and hugging her when I leave. It may be the last time I ever get the chance to do that.

Just wondering in your case... . do your DH and DIL live nearby? Of my three, these are my closest in proximity. 

[Tess Russell]

Hello Mil,

Thank you for your reply. I'm glad you have found peace with your MIL. I know that everything works out eventually, even if it isn't what we had hoped or planned for.

My son and his wife moved four hours away. That has helped immensely because I don't worry about running into them in our community. They moved to be closer to her unBPD mother to get help with babysitting. I recently heard she was talking about hiring a nanny because she is working on her business so much. I have to wonder why her family isn't babysitting?

My continued mantra is that they have to live their own life and my husband and I ours. I just saw a quote by Joel Osteen that said God is moving the wrong people out of our lives and the right people in. That could mean that for right now, they are not the people I need in my life. In the future, as we all learn, grow, and change, perhaps we will be the right people for each other. What do you think?

Until whatever happens, my goal is to fill my life with people who bring me joy.

I hope your goodbyes with your MIL give you peace. I appreciate your reply! All the best! Tess

[mil2bpd]

Can't write much as we are away ... . will respond more once home. I can relate. 5

[mil2bpd]

Hi Tess,

I am not back home yet but I do have access to a PC. I can tell you this, as far as -- not so much what I "believe" for I  have come to rely on feelings as a much stronger persuasion than a belief system per se - but I had an experience some years back that prepared me for this. It opened my eyes to this disorder. It helped make me a healthier person, more equipped to be introspective, nonjudgmental, tolerant. At the time, though, I could not understand why it was occurring. Does everything happen for a reason? I don't know the answer to that question. I just know I'm a stronger person and if not for that experience, traumatic as it was at the time, I'd not be as equipped and armed to handle this more difficult one now.

I do find that collecting quotes and, for me, letting my inner narrative, intuition and inner sense keep me more grounded and attuned to the developing situation of those around me and how best to react to them. By knowing my self as keenly as I can, and by being as openly mindful as I can, I hope I can be as responsive -- in the most constructive way possible - to others around me.

I'm not sure that makes sense to everyone but for me, for right now at least, it's what helps and what keeps me going. 

We all have our coping strategies and if they provide us the foundation we need to get us through, certainly without alienating our loved ones any further than they already are, I'm all for it. But that's the ultimate challenge, isn't it?

[Tess Russell]

Hello! Thanks for your last reply. Yes, I do believe that finding our inner strength, understanding, and just personal identity help so much when we feel we are under attack. I had a sister who almost literally attacked me from the day I was born. Because of what I have learned from that relationship, this current situation is a bit easier to understand, if not handle.

Our third GC was born on Sunday and my undil actually sent us a text with her picture and the news. We were very surprised she did that, and I just wrote back our congratulations and appreciation at being notified. I am thinking I will send them some baby gifts although I'm not sure she ever keeps anything I give them. That's ok. I'm feeling able to do that for the sake of the child, and if it makes one small bridge, that's ok too.

Letting go of our children and letting them forge their own paths/lives is so hard, but it is getting easier and easier for me to do that the less contact I have with them.

I am finally feeling more optimistic about creating my own happiness!

I wish you well! Tess

[mil2bpd]

Congratulations on the birth of your GC, Tess -- though I understand how that comes as a mixed blessing of sorts. That's something that your uBPD DIL sent the picture; who knows how or why she was so motivated but I truly sense that deep down there is a loving person at the very heart and of course core of the BPD. If only we had the magic key to unlock their wounds and set them free I think we'd be seeing an entirely different side -- so hopefully, maybe, someday with help and healing you'll have that side of her to see, and your newest GC will know the love of her grandmother.

It is hard to let our kids go off on their own, find their way, create their journeys and lean on us when they need the support. But I suppose if it were any different, we'd be the enabling mothers, or worse! I'm sure I'm guilty in my own ways of having encouraged or fostered too much dependence or interference at one point or another (or another and another!) but what parent hasn't made some mistakes along the way? Reminds me of an excellent book I recently read, ":)aring Greatly" -- we all have vulnerabilities and we've all erred. I've learned the best thing I can do for my GS is to be there when he has such feelings -- not to dismiss the feelings or necessarily help him feel better -- but just to simply help him FEEL.  I think that's what is ultimately lacking in many BPDs and what eventually leads to such turmoil and chaos in their lives.  Hopefully you and I and so many others here on the board are learning more about ourselves in the process of learning about others -- and in turn can truly make this an easier path for those who travel alongside us - as well as those who come after - to travel.

May your newest grandchild be so blessed.