Has anyone ever asked for closure years later

[Ittookthislong]

curious if anyone has ever asked for closure, in a non aggressive way, years later. Asked to fill in the gaps? asked what were lies and what weren't. Since they aren't coming back, and the answers keep me from trusting anyone new im tempted at the moment.

who cares at this point how he could insult me, its like peeing in the ocean at this point.


I don't care about pride but I do want to know what I don't know so that I can stop guessing. its been too long to not have answers. my ex is the quiet abandoning, most likely not coming back kind, so I didn't get the rages that at least tell you how they feel or what they are thinking.

my ex was kind of narcissistic in that he could abandon even the most beautiful woman for the smallest thing and never give them the time of day again- as if that would be degrading.

if anyone attempted this how did it go for you? and do quiet borderlines hover?

[Blessed0329]

I had a relationship 25 years ago with a man who, I now believe, was my first BPD ex. He was a real nutcase, and our relationship was brief, but extremely intense and torrid. I met him for lunch once every two or three years to ask him questions. He tried to answer them, as best he could, until I finally felt I understood as well as I could. When my most recent ex began making moves on me, he reminded me so much for the former one, I took it very, very slowly. Anyway, yes I did this, and he was pleasant with me each time we met. It was like meeting with an old school buddy, rather than with someone I'd been sexually involved with.

[ComoLu]

It has only been just over 2 yrs. for me since the split, but I have been seeking those kinds of answers too.  I have asked him some of my questions (he no longer speaks to me at all), but his answers often just confused me more.  His most frequent responses were, "I don't remember,"  "That's not what happened," "I have no idea what you are talking about," "I didn't say that," and silence.  I have gotten more closure from seeking answers elsewhere... . anywhere I thought I could find information, and much of it came from his former mistress of 17 yrs., or from papers that he left behind.  I know I will never have all of the answers, but I have had enough closure to start letting it go, stop obsessing, and start building my own new life in a new place with a new partner.  Based on my experience, I would say ask away, but don't be disappointed in the response.  Sometimes no answer is the best answer of all.  I don't need fresh pain in my life from him any more.

[GlennT]

No, I simply went NC except for my emails. I can understand an organic brain disease like schizophrenia or amnesia, and why their could'nt possibly be much closure, but the personality disorders have had me stumped for years. That is why in the beginning, when BPD was discovered, experts thought the disorder fell somwhere on a spectrum between full-blown psychosis and neurosis, thus, the term borderline. I've been NC five years, and she still sends me emails several times a year, but there is never one about what happened to our relationship, closure, why, or even an apology. The closest she came was "I don't know what it was we had." But yet, I know full well, that if I had responded, she would not return the email, hide, project, deny, etc. Their disassociative powers are immense. I have become another one who she was intimate with, yet is invisible, and that is I presume, what she needs.

[Clearmind]

I'm 2 years out - i working on your self worth you no longer need closure - I simply dont need it.

How can work towards your own closure?

[VeryFree]

I'm not in the situation yet, that I can close. Divorce is pending and meanwhile emotions hit highs and lows.

I have your questions myself: after the divorce is final in half a year or so, I really want to write her, give my final thoughts about her latest actions, tell her I don't blame her and wish her good luck for the rest of her life.

It's probably better to do not: we will not get something out of it. It will be used against us.

[Murbay]

About 12 years ago I had a friend who was very troubled. I can't say for certain that she had BPD but she displayed many of the traits I have come to learn about here.

This was in my serious rescuer phase and I flew several thousand miles to help her flee from an abusive relationship. I wasn't aware of who was the abuser but she was in trouble and needed my help so I did.

There was never any connection between us in that sense but she was very destructive all the same. She would seek out emotionally unavailable men who were often married and the time I was helping her to escape, we got on really well. The moment she was finally settled, she turned on me and that was the last time I had contact with her.

About 4 years ago, completely out of the blue, I got a facebook friends request from her. We had no mutual friends and in completely different countries so she did seek me out. She wanted to apologise for everything she had put me through and hoped I would forgive her. She had been in therapy for several years and had faced up to a lot of her own issues.

Her life was back on track now, good job, good family life, a stable relationship and hoped we could be friends. I did accept and we do talk on occasion. Nothing like we used to but I do see a major change in her, she is happier and doing really well in her life now. I found closure in that friendship on my own, but the contact years later sealed it for me and I'm really pleased to see her doing so well.

Like I say, I don't know if she was a pwBPD but I would say she hit every criteria at the time we were good friends. The difference being though that she knew she was destructive but didn't want to figure out why. My exBPDw on the other hand refused to acknowledge she was destructive and when it was too obvious, blamed others for it.

[slimmiller]

I have gotten much better closure by going outside my house and walking about a hundred feet to a fence post. I believe its a yellow locust (Damn hard wood and they last forever) At the end of the conversation with said post, I have a much better sense of closure and I do not feel as emotionally drained as I do trying to talk/reason in a logical way with her. I get exactly and actually more from the post then I do her. She just distorts, lies, twists, manipulates and whatever else the devil puts in her mind.

Okay im half kidding. I honestly dont think I will ever see it. Its been two years and Lord knows I have tried. If for nothing else, to be able to see where I went wrong

[Lao Tzu]

Hi To Everyone,

     So, I have the delight of suddenly having my pwBPD working with me 30 years after a pretty typical BPD "r/s".  Since then she has had multiple marriages and several children and never made any effort at all to re-cycle our relationship in all this time - [Hey, I guess I really AM a loser. She didn't even recontact me like everyone else!]- Anyway, certainly in this case since we have to work closely together, something beyond her line 30 years ago:  "I still love you but sometimes love isn't enough"  should be pretty easy, right? 

     Well, she has steadfastly refused every opportunity to discuss our past.  And, why would you expect otherwise?  Lack of empathy for our hurt and an inability to simultaneously hold on to the opposite ideas that they can be a 'good person' and also have done some things that were very wrong (splitting in its truest sense) mean they don't understand what the problem is and they truly don't care.  I would go so far as to say that if your ex cares enough about your hurt to try to help you and he or she understands the duality of their own nature enough to explain it to you, they've just proven they don't actually have BPD.  I'm no expert, of course.

LT