Feels nice to actually let go of the hurt and anger

[mcc503764]

I never imagined it would be possible to get to this point... . After 4 years, 5 recycles later, I went NC... . NC lasted for about 1 month and then she sent me a text yesterday.  She had some of my belongings at her house and asked me if I wanted them. 

At first I wasnt going to respond, but I thought that would send the silent message that I was still angry.  So I replied, and agreed to stop by and pick up my things.  We ended up talking, catching up like old friends would.  It was nice, actually felt comfortable.  She appeared healthy?  We actually went for ice cream.  Nothing behind it, just nice I guess.

Then after I left after a few hours, I went home and went about my night.  Of course I was thinking about her.

Guess I finally came to the realization that after all of the HELL of the r/s, that I got sick of harboring all of the anger and hurt from her.  Our lives are in different directions, and that's ok!

I guess yesterday proved to me that we could be civil / nice to each other?  Feels nice to actually let go of the hurt and anger?  Guess I've come to the point to where I am sick of feeling the hurt?  Still miss her... . the person that she used to be?

So of course I am going to start kicking ideas around in my mind... . but as I said, I woke up this morning feeling blank.  I didnt really find myself thinking one way or another?  Kinda numb... . almost as if I were emotionally exhausted from all of these things?  Guess it felt weird to not have her on my mind... . thought about her, but it didnt hurt like it used to?   

So will I talk to her again?  I honestly couldnt answer that question.  Would there be any reason to?  At this point, probably not... . I do wish her well.

MCC

[bpdspell]

Only you know your own feelings but I suspect its a mixture of hope, dreams, illusion, fantasy, delusion, and confusion. Appearances are tricky with our ex's. On the outside they can seem normal, can carry conversations, and seem well adjusted. But your gut will tell you different. Your gut will remind you of what you REALLY experienced when you guys were a couple.

My ex is very handsome. He's also very arrogant, a bit cocky, over confident and filled with glib superficial charm. But in reality he's an empty superficial jar of toxic nothingness. Just empty, barren and disordered to the hills.

Conversations with him were ok as long as it didn't focus on his shortcomings, bad attitude, self-centeredness, and entitlement. All of which I experienced in the trenches of the relationship. Between the sex, and intense mirroring and idealization we sometimes forget about their true character wanting to only focus on the feel good stuff... . that is of course until they make us feel bad... . real bad... . punishing bad... . tortuous bad... .

BPD's wear a mask that shows their representative. And never forget that. If I went for coffee or ice-cream with my ex he probably would seem normal too. It isn't the most triggering to their mask. But what lives behind that mask is a deeply troubled soul of misery, shame, pain, anger, rage, and hollowness.

Spell

[morningagain]

mcc,

Just know that it is now more likely to see a recycle attempt, so try to keep in mind the NOTfun times if and when that happens.  Like with any addiction, you gotta keep the buzzkill available in your hip pocket when the temptations arise.  Have ready a few of the more outrageously painful and irrational and chaotic/destructive incidents, or better yet, pattern of incidents handy.  Just know what will be offered - a glamorous mask/wrapper around a pained and disordered inside.  Some folks are strong enough to have some fulfillment and stability in a relationship with a BPD.  I do not think that I, for one, will ever be.

Your topic title reminded me of the REO song "I cant fight this feeling anymore, forgotten what i started fighting for... . "  never really cared for the song, but now it has meaning... .

Anyway, take good care,

Jason