Maybe I'm the one with BPD...

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I basically went into my own rage yesterday... . screaming at him, jumping out of a (slow-moving) car, ran home and started throwing clothes in bags into my car and said I was leaving for good, ended up coming back home and sleeping in the guest room, woke up screaming when he tried to talk to me... .

It's like I've lost all sensibility.  Fight or flight mode, I guess. 

It was all because he started badgering me about having feelings for an ex-boyfriend from 5 years ago because we drove by the town he lived in.  We have been together for 3 years and at this stage in our relationship I really think he should have moved beyond any jealousy issues from my past (before I even met him).

I feel like I am losing my mind.  I was never like this before.  I mean, I've gotten angry before but never like this.  I feel like my health is going to be affected if this continues.  Right now HE is the one begging for me to come home, and apologizing and promising that things will be better.  Isn't that usually what the non-BP does?  He makes me think I am the raging lunatic, not him.  He claims he was just joking when he brought up the ex, but it has happened SO many times and I know he wasn't joking.  He is the most insecure person I've ever met in my life. 

I try using the tools and remembering the lessons and eventually I just mentally snap.  I don't think I can do this much longer.  I end up feeling so ashamed of MY behavior because he brings me to such a dark place... . but I shouldn't blame him for my reaction to his behavior.  That is on me. 

[sjm7411]

I basically went into my own rage yesterday... . screaming at him, jumping out of a (slow-moving) car, ran home and started throwing clothes in bags into my car and said I was leaving for good, ended up coming back home and sleeping in the guest room, woke up screaming when he tried to talk to me... .

It's like I've lost all sensibility.  Fight or flight mode, I guess. 

It was all because he started badgering me about having feelings for an ex-boyfriend from 5 years ago because we drove by the town he lived in.  We have been together for 3 years and at this stage in our relationship I really think he should have moved beyond any jealousy issues from my past (before I even met him).

I feel like I am losing my mind.  I was never like this before.  I mean, I've gotten angry before but never like this.  I feel like my health is going to be affected if this continues.  Right now HE is the one begging for me to come home, and apologizing and promising that things will be better.  Isn't that usually what the non-BP does?  He makes me think I am the raging lunatic, not him.  He claims he was just joking when he brought up the ex, but it has happened SO many times and I know he wasn't joking.  He is the most insecure person I've ever met in my life. 

I try using the tools and remembering the lessons and eventually I just mentally snap.  I don't think I can do this much longer.  I end up feeling so ashamed of MY behavior because he brings me to such a dark place... . but I shouldn't blame him for my reaction to his behavior.  That is on me. 

[bruceli]

Natural response, happens to the best of us.  That why they call it "crazy making".  Deep breath, re-group, stay strong.  We are all here to help you get through this.

[momtara]

Yes, it makes you start to doubt your own sanity.  Doesn't mean you're insane.

[MaybeSo]

"nons" often have some relationship issues of their own,

even without qualifying for a dx of BPD.

"Non" does not mean "perfect relationship partner".  

For example, "Nons" are often unskilled or unfamiliar about how to take care of themselves emotionally.

If you are finding yourself dysregulating and blowing-up... .

that's you bodies way of telling you have past your limit a  long time ago and you need to start paying attention and taking care of yourself better.  

Step away much earlier, for example, if you are being badgered.

Take the space you need to take care of yourself.

Nons are typically NOT good at this kind of self-care,  so it's an area we often need to really work hard to develop and strengthen.  

And NO ONE is better in providing opportunity to develop this skill, than a pwBPD!

If you fear this is making you ill, then again, you really need to make taking care of yourself a priority.  This is a wake up call or a message  that you are neglecting your own needs!  My experience has been that the message will get louder and louder until you start to take it seriously.

[sjm7411]

Thanks for the support and feedback... . I definitely think you're right, I'm not good at "self-care", I'm always trying to be everything to everybody and end up neglecting my own needs.  Yesterday was strange - it's like my mind wouldn't even give me the option of stepping away (well, I couldn't step away anyway because he was driving the car) but it was an immediate "fight" response before I could even do any self-talk or regulate my emotions... . it happened so quick that I was kind of shocked with myself... . and it made me realize that my mind/body is indeed past my limit.  :-( 

[Undone123]

See I wonder this all the time... . In fact I wonder if I have NPD. Based on the fact that my ex is undiagnosed. I have just put together loads of evidence, and come to the conclusion BPD. To be fair the evidence for BPD with ASPD is huge... . But the fact I have logically come to the conclusion of this makes me question whether I am an arrogant Narcissist all the time. Crazy

[MaybeSo]

I use to drive myself crazy with the whole label thing. First analyzing what was wrong with my ex that had a label, then through that research you start learning other interesting bits and pieces, like, pwBPD /traits and pwNPD/ traits ( traits are common, it's not a full on clinical dx) ... . Often find eachother and hook up.

And I learned I did have some narcisstic (unrealistic) attitudes and beliefs that did indeed contribute to the difficulties in my relationship.

For example, I wasn't good at keeping my eyes on my own paper and managing my own self care... .

I was too busy fixing, focusing, meddeling, rescuing, or 'sacrificing' my own well being for someone else or something else. My focus was always that other person or thing, never myself.  As though my efforts are really going to change another person... . that's pretty controlling and very unrealistic (narcisstic).

Then Id have moments of horror where I'd think " maybe it's me?" and it was like the idea that I wasn't perfect or that I really did have issues that contributed to the mess... . Was shocking, so I'd stop that train of thought and move back to the comforting place where I knew it's really all my partners fault, he's soo much more messed up than me. (black/white thinking).

Finally I accepted that I need to start taking care of myself better and quit with all the drama and labels and the scrutiny of whose more messed up and why. Just focus on making sure I'm okay, moment to moment, day to day.

That's why this board promotes taking the focus off your partners behaviors and shifting

your focus back to your own self care. It's probably the most important thing you can learn from these relationships. And it's very challenging for us fixer types. Very challenging. And it needs to happen.  Part of being a healthy adult is taking care of yourself emotionally. You don't wait for someone else to change the environment so you feel better; that's child. As a adult, it's our job to manage our emotions... . not demand change in another so we can then feel soothed. I was often in "child" when I was relating to my partner. Problem was... . he was often in 'child', too. Geuss what that looks like? It looks like the beginning of this thread.

[winston72]

Brilliant response, MaybeSo.  Thank you.

[KellyO]

You know what I did? I went to the bathroom with a knife, in order to cut myself. I have NEVER in my life done anything like that before. This was after hours of emotional abuse. I just wanted it to stop. He saw me, forced the knife out of my hand. He promised he will never shout at me again. You know how long that promise lasted? One week, not even a full week. And then he shouted me more than ever, and that was a lot. And he blaimed me for making him feel bad by threatening my own life. And then... . he LAUGHED at me.

I'm the first person here to admit I had huge problems with my self, and no sane person would have stayed in that torture for 2 years. But I did not have a personality disorder. I am codependent, yes, and I was very depressed, but deep down myself I KNEW I was mostly reacting to his abuse. He was the abusive one, not me. The work I have done with myself during that relationship and after that was to ensure that I will never find myself in situation like that. And if I find, I at least understand I'm abused and I have right to leave.

Today I don't give a damn about what kind of disorder he has. I was abused, and I reacted like an abused person does. My healing was to find out why I tolerated it in the first place, not to find out why I reacted to it.

[Undone123]

You know what I did? I went to the bathroom with a knife, in order to cut myself. I have NEVER in my life done anything like that before. This was after hours of emotional abuse. I just wanted it to stop. He saw me, forced the knife out of my hand. He promised he will never shout at me again. You know how long that promise lasted? One week, not even a full week. And then he shouted me more than ever, and that was a lot. And he blaimed me for making him feel bad by threatening my own life. And then... . he LAUGHED at me.

I'm the first person here to admit I had huge problems with my self, and no sane person would have stayed in that torture for 2 years. But I did not have a personality disorder. I am codependent, yes, and I was very depressed, but deep down myself I KNEW I was mostly reacting to his abuse. He was the abusive one, not me. The work I have done with myself during that relationship and after that was to ensure that I will never find myself in situation like that. And if I find, I at least understand I'm abused and I have right to leave.

Today I don't give a damn about what kind of disorder he has. I was abused, and I reacted like an abused person does. My healing was to find out why I tolerated it in the first place, not to find out why I reacted to it.

God that triggered a memory! I got laughed at a couple of times so didn't show emotion properly anymore. Became really passive aggressive. Condescending, and patronizing... .

Our behavior, because of them or because of us? I'm still trying to work this out

[catsprt]

Sometimes relationships bring out the best in people, sometimes the worst.

Kelly-O, I am sorry you had to go through so much suffering. I agree with you, what matters ultimately is why one reacted the way you/I and in my case why I was not able to choose what was best for me. And I am thinking "helplessness" instead of "assertion". This question and its answer are only relevant if there result in growth in the "never again".

[tryingtogetit]

I read somewhere that being afraid of/ wondering if one is going crazy is actually a sign of sanity.

For only a crazy person sees him/ herself as normal and the rest of the world as insane