Feeling setback and depressed after interacting with BPD ex

[Megatron]

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=175207.0

Hello, I did not want to renew a thread from last year so I provided a link above that will give you some background on my story. I come here today after a long hiatus from this site. I am feeling setback because a lot of negative things have happened to me in the past week which included my BPD ex. I was out in California for vacation with friends. I hadn't heard from my BPD ex for over 6 months and I get an email from her telling me that she is moving to San Diego, which, coincidentally, was where I actually was on vacation. For some reason I thought that was too weird so I emailed her back and told her I was there. She responded saying she was there too with her dad and she was looking for a place to live and a job and suggested that we all meet up because her dad really wanted to see me and that her parents always ask about me. I'm the guy who flew to Hawaii two years ago at her request only for her to crap on me and not want to spend any time with me. She couldn't handle it. I stupidly responded to her and we made plans to meet up in San Diego. Well she texted me shortly after we made plans and told me she couldn't handle seeing me, it was too uncomfortable and she feels awkward, but she would still like to keep in touch every now and then. It was probably a good thing she bailed because if I had seen her it would have made me even more emotional.

I was bummed out by her wanting to see me one minute, then bailing the next. She did the same thing when she invited me out to Hawaii. I take part of the blame because I'm the one who responds to her initial emails. On top of that, a woman I had been seeing exclusively the past couple of months breaks up with me while I am on vacation, and actually did it the same day as the thing with my ex happened. She sent me an email telling me all the things that are supposedly "wrong" with me. So I let these two things affect my vacation in a way I didn't desire. I made the most out of it but now I am just feeling rejected and sad. I try to move on but I can't, I try to meet other women and date, but nothing ever seems to pan out. A few days after the incident with my BPD ex, I sent her an email telling her to never contact me again. I shouldn't have even done that, and I am regretting sending that email as well.

I was feeling good heading into my vacation. I had a new girl, or so I thought, I was with my friends, and life seemed to be going in the right direction. Now I am back home and just feel lonely, rejected, and depressed. All my friends seem to be in relationships. My two best friends who I share a home with are going to be moving in with their respective girlfriends at the end of the summer. I'm sad about that too because I have lived with them the past 3 years. I feel like I'll be alone for ever. I have no confidence in myself. Everytime I think things are going well, something always seems to bring me back down. I'm 29 years old and freaking out that I'll be alone for ever, that my BPD ex has ruined me for good and has damaged me to the point where I will never love myself enough to be in a healthy relationship with somebody. Any advice on how to keep my head up and be positive?

[delusionalxox]

Your ex sounds a unfeeling, capricious nightmare!

And the woman who sends you an email recording all your faults sounds a right catch as well   think you are well shot of her too.

I understand everything you're saying here. I am 40 too and a single mum! So your situation could be worse :D and you are still very very young (sorry not to belittle what you're feeling at all).

Thing is though... . things change. BPD people are not the only people who leave. Relationships split up and people still date even in their 40s, 50s, 60s... . !

These people are not reflections of you. You have just been the one with bad luck. And what looks like untouchable happiness of others often isn't. So many marriages end up as dull compromises. (Mine was... . to a non BPD man).

[winston72]

Megatron... . sorry about your vacation.  What an unhappy sequence of events. 

I read the thread following your post from last year.  I wonder how you would understand your situation if someone else had written those same words?  The futility of the relationship is so obvious. 

And, I am struggling with many of the same issues.  And they are obvious to me, but the strength of the longing and missing and yearning are much stronger than my awareness of what is "obvious."  I have slowly come to realize that I know my SO is needy, selfish, demand, full of inner turmoil, unpredictable and likely never to be pleased... . and that this is what I want!  I cannot say any more that I idealize her, because I am fully aware of who she is.  And it is not helping me to fight the inner battle of reminding myself of all the bad things she did.  I am finding more progress by admitting that her difficult traits are "obviously" what I am drawn to and want.  Now I am in the process of accepting this about myself and allowing that acceptance to lead me to some new personal development.

I find that constantly trying to see if my SO really fits exactly into the definition of BPD is not at all helpful.  Whether or not the label perfectly fits, her behaviors are hurtful to you and don't allow for growth in the relationship.  She is a person, she hurts, she wants, she loves, she tries... . but has proven to be a person that brings turmoil and despair to you. 

And, I am 58 and single... . and not too stressed about time.  Being 29 and feeling like time is passing you by sounds to me like the impatience of youth.  Better to ease up on yourself on that point. 

[Megatron]

Thanks to both of your for your posts. I know that I am still young but seeing everyone around me a bunch of steps ahead of me freaks me out. I just worry that I will never have the confidence and self-love required to attract and be in a healthy relationship with someone. I try to work on these issues but it seems I don't make much progress. I take medication that I feel doesn't work, and I've talked to numerous therapists who I have felt didn't help my situation at all. It makes me feel frustrated that whatever I try to make myself better doesn't seem to work.

[goodguy]

Thanks to both of your for your posts. I know that I am still young but seeing everyone around me a bunch of steps ahead of me freaks me out. I just worry that I will never have the confidence and self-love required to attract and be in a healthy relationship with someone. I try to work on these issues but it seems I don't make much progress. I take medication that I feel doesn't work, and I've talked to numerous therapists who I have felt didn't help my situation at all. It makes me feel frustrated that whatever I try to make myself better doesn't seem to work.

Megatron, I've been where you are, and its not the right way to think. No one is "ahead of you", and you are not behind. You've gotta live YOUR life, and you've gotta be in the mindset that you don't need someone else for you to be happy. I've changed my thinking in this regard in the past few months - It's a much better outlook on life.

Cheer up man, you're doing great

[delusionalxox]

I'd agree with goodguy here.

I am nowhere near feeling healthy or good about myself believe me  What I do know is that the moment I will know that I am, is when I am able just to feel content with myself and my own company. Because you can never rely on the universe to bring you what you want and you can never be happy if you are constantly comparing yourself to others and what they have. Happy people don't do that. I'm not a happy person either so I really get what you are saying.

But whatever you have, whether its girls or job or  money or whatever... . it won't help until you come to terms with yourself. Such a cliche. And so true. I am struggling right now to even get to the point where I can see myself as someone who deserves a life free of abuse and the domination of a crazy BPD ex.

[danley]

Megatron,

Your situation and ex sounds stressful.  I'm Sorry your vacations got ruined. I understand how you might feel. It's a cycle of highs and then lows. You had hope that your interaction would be positive but it seems like your ex isn't truly ready to interact with you. It's horrible that she builds you up then drops you. This is what I'm fighting right now. Not getting my hopes up too high with my ex. I've been doing well myself and although my ex is reaching out I'm too scared to have high hopes. I don't want to be let down if I open up and be vulnerable with him even tho it's what he's doing to me now. I think you should put yourself first and realize the cycle your ex has of appearing then disappearing. Take care of yourself first. The constant up and down is not healthy for you as you try to heal. Be strong

[LosingIt2]

My ex did something similar this before our first(last, maybe) recycle. We made plans to see each other at least a month prior, and exact arrangements about a week before. The day of, she was all over the place! I was so perplexed (as usual). I think she was trying to control the situation by making more and more demands because that's what she does when feeling stressed. I said we're meeting where we originally planned or we can just not see each other. She agreed to after that. She can't make a decision, ever, yet feels the need to screw up plans that were perfectly fine and in place.

[Megatron]

Thanks for the support from everyone who responded. The thing I think I struggle the most with is trying not to believe that I am a damaged, worthless person. This setback has made me feel worse about myself. I feel like I will never feel confident about myself and will never love myself enough to be able to have a normal, healthy relationship with someone else. Has anyone else ever felt this way? On top of the incident with my ex, I have been getting rejections from other sources like the woman I was seeing harshly breaking up with me, making me feel even more worthless. I'm having a hard time because the company I work for is not doing well financially and they had to cut back everyone's hours, I am stressed about my finances, I have no self confidence and every time I think about the future I feel sad because I just assume it doesn't get better.

[danley]

Sorry to hear you're going thru a multitude of downers at the moment. I'm sure there's as t least one thing or more that you CAN be thankful for. Right now it probably feels like your world is crumbling and nothings going right. But when we focus on the negatives, it's hard to see that it may be overshadowing something positive.  The new gal you were seeing didn't work out but it's not the end. It just means you weren't compatible or that you weren't truly ready to be in a relationship.  It doesn't mean that there's something wrong with you. Perhaps unknowingly you weren't ready for a new relationship? Perhaps because you are still stuck on your ex?

I think your confidence is down but it WILL get better. I know the feelings of worthlessness you described. I felt that way as well. I felt like I was a failure because my ex dumped me. I felt like there was something wrong with me and I wasn't good enough. But in reality it seems like NOTHING is ever good enough unless it involves compromising your own dignity and self worth. And do you really believe you deserve that? I don't think you do. Nobody does. Your feelings of worthlessness after departing from your ex is because you don't see the value you have as a person. It's hard knowing you gave so much and got little to nothing in return. You can't change your ex but you sure can change yourself and your perspective.  Your ex like many of ours here has a stronghold on you/us. You need to be in control now. Focusing on your well being is vital to moving forward. Small steps.

[Clearmind]

It’s not at all a bad thing you met up Megatron and it’s not a setback at all if you choose to see this a little differently.

NC is a tool not a lifestyle – what this recent interaction has shown is that for some reason, and you only know what that reason is - that you are still attached to this person. NC has not helped you detach at all it has masked some temporary feelings of pain. Some feelings and emotions have been reignited and its time to find out why.

What is it about YOU that has you still hooked? Where does this lack of confidence in your ability come from and why does this girl push your ‘I’m-not-good-enough’ button? Dig deep to before you met your ex.

Megatron, I've been where you are, and its not the right way to think. No one is "ahead of you", and you are not behind. You've gotta live YOUR life, and you've gotta be in the mindset that you don't need someone else for you to be happy. I've changed my thinking in this regard in the past few months - It's a much better outlook on life.

Can you share how you changed your thinking GG?

[Megatron]

I've struggled with confidence issues and self-esteem issues since way before I even met my BPD ex. I think my experience with her made it worse. I just feel as if I will never have the confidence or feel worthy enough of someone elses love. I feel like my experience with my ex just damaged me too much to want to involve myself with someone else, and if I do, they will end up rejecting me just like my ex did.

I just don't know how to detach completely from my ex. Do you think she will listen to the last email I sent her telling her never to contact me again? I even feel bad about writing that email because It wasn't the nicest of emails but then again she has done worse things to me.