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Author Topic: Still struggling with the past...  (Read 4868 times)
Megatron
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« on: May 17, 2012, 11:26:17 AM »

and still blaming myself for her leaving. I still also question my sanity constantly and I try to convince myself that my ex definitely had BPD and that it wasn't me. Sometimes I think that she is the normal one and I'm the crazy one. Somehow my mind puts aside the fact that she suffered severe sexual abuse when she was a child, the fact that her parents were separated and at least one of them had BPD while both struggled with alcohol addictions, neither of her parents were great support systems and at times she had to look after them. I look past all this and say to myself that she was normal and I screwed up. The fact that she used to cut herself and at one time she was in a facility for mentally troubled teens seems to mean nothing to me and I still claim I'm the screwed up one who caused her to leave.

But in the rare occasions when I'm feeling good about myself, I think about all the red flags and for a brief moment I believe that she was the ill one with serious issues and her leaving is a blessing in disguise. After all, there were so many red flags. Besides the above, I can't forget the fact that she was so black and white sometimes. Sometimes in her eyes I was adored and respected and she treated me kindly, but then other times I didn't live up to what she wanted and therefore I was a piece of crap. I think about all the times she made any shred of confidence I had disappear completely.

I remember all the times when she would get angry with me but her anger in my eyes was just blown out of proportion and nothing I said to her mattered. No matter how many times I tried to tell her I was sorry or that I loved her it didn't matter to her. How frustrating is it for someone to not believe you when you tell them your true feelings?

I still blame myself because the lie I told was the last straw and she left. I lied to her when she asked me if I had had intimate relations with anyone during our brief breakup period. When I finally told her the truth that I had, she wrote me off like that...claimed I was the devil incarnate and that I violated her body and that she wanted me out of her life for good...until months later when she started contact me again...

And I am to blame to because I fall for it every time and every time she tried to contact me after she left I pleased her by responding and I even went to visit her which was a disaster in which she wrote me off within hours of me flying halfway around the world to see her.

So here I am, she left over 2 years ago. Our last contact was 6 months ago in which she wrote an email claiming she was sorry for what happened when I visited her and about how no one will ever live up to me and how I treated her. Over 2 years and I feel like I'm stuck and will never truly move on. I think about her constantly, even though if you examine it more closely its obvious she is ill. Yet somehow I keep telling myself that she isn't and that it's all my fault.

Sorry for rambling on but I guess my main question is...How do I stop blaming myself for her leaving?
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mgl210
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« Reply #1 on: May 17, 2012, 11:45:13 AM »

I know exactly how you feel dude. I blame myself incessantly for my ex leaving me. It just sucks, because she never told me why exactly she was leaving and my good friend wrote her an e-mail asking her if I should just move on, and she never responded.  I miss her terribly, and even though she would anger me alot, I still do. I have nightmares all the time about her, and I am scared that since I never got any real closure about anything that she could pop back into my life at any given moment.  There are days when I feel as if the relationship ended, because I never told my mom about her, but there was a big reason as to why I never told my mom. It was because after our second breakup, she allowed her parents to believe that I threw her down a flight of stairs instead of admitting that she did the self harm to herself, so that she wouldn't get kicked out of her house or should I say her grandmother's house.  It is also tough, because she did this whole disappearing act the day before my late grandmother was to be cremated.  I have my moments during the day when I am okay, and then the next I just want to bang my head against the wall.  If you ever want to chat bro, just e-mail me and I will be glad to chat with you..

:'(
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tailspin
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« Reply #2 on: May 17, 2012, 11:53:25 AM »

Megatron   ,

You have been emotionally abused.  This is regardless of whether or not your ex had BPD.

Being abused may be hard to accept, but abuse occurs in many ways.  Even though emotional abuse isn't visible like the bruises of physical abuse, it hurts just as much.  Her anger was abusive.  Her black/white thinking and treatment of you was abusive.  She abused you emotionally.

We lie to our ex's to avoid the anger and it wasn't the reason or "last straw" that she left.  It is not your fault that she left...the ending to your story was written long ago and before she even met you.  It's unavoidable.  It's inevitable.  She left because she has many characteristics of BPD (regarless of a formal diagnosis) and BPD is an attachment disorder which prevents those suffering from sustaining any lasting relationship with you or anyone.  She projected blame onto you because it was easier for her to walk if it was "your fault" because taking personal responsibility for their actions isn't an option for those with BPD.  

I don't want to talk about her anymore though.  I want to talk about you.  You asked how "do I stop blaming myself for her leaving?" and this is a really good question.  You need to forgive yourself for all the behaviors and words you regret doing and saying.  We are human and, by definition, not perfect.  We make mistakes and do things we regret.  Nothing you could have possibly said or done would have changed the outcome in any way.  But you need to forgive yourself before the shame and guilt will go away.  You don't deserve to carry the shame and guilt any longer.  Let it go.  Forgive yourself for being human, for loving someone who could never love you back.

Peace to you Megatron    you are not alone.  You are not to blame.  You deserve to love and be loved.  Forgive yourself.  Forgive her.  Be free.
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seeking balance
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« Reply #3 on: May 17, 2012, 11:54:34 AM »

If I had to rephrase - would it be appropriate to say you are wondering how to forgive yourself for being human?
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« Reply #4 on: May 17, 2012, 12:41:26 PM »

Megatron-

It was really sad for me reading your message. I've been through very similar emotions so I sympathise. 

You sound like you're a giving person and that's wonderful. This is probably the reason your exgf stayed with you also. You tried so hard to fulfil her needs and from what I've come to know from pwBPDs they love to have control and have their needs met. The only thing is, Megatron is it sounds like you have given up so much of yourself for her and it was not enough. And it will never be enough for her. Not from anyone. I guarantee this.

The giving part is hard because when she leaves she leaves you with very little of yourself and you try to hold on to that self she took away. You've investment in what you believed is a hopeful partnership.

It's clear you have done so much for this relationship and it shows from your writing. You are very human and a gentle person. You should be proud that you have courage to be giving and trusting. That you will go the extra mile for what you believe in. You have a big heart and are very human. Be proud of everything you have done and tried and ask yourself what she has contributed. My guess is very little and she wanted so much. If you hadn't mentioned you were intimate when you were apart it would have been something else. They will use every excuse to get out of it. It wasn't the one thing to break it. It wasn't even about you. It's something else. She doesn't know what it is but she will use any reason to sabotage.

Like SB said, you are being very human. The outcome would have been the same regardless of what you did. You can't do the work for both of you and you can't live her life. Give yourself a break, be proud of the strength you have to give (not all are capable of this) and know the outcome would have been the same. You deserve someone who will give back. It will take some time but this is what I realized much later I ultimately wanted from my exBPD though I never asked her for anything in return for my love.

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Megatron
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« Reply #5 on: June 01, 2012, 08:28:31 AM »

I could use some support today. Feeling upset again. My ex emailed me last night. I had not heard from her since she last emailed me 7 months ago. It seems like every 6 months or so she makes contact and every time all it does for me is cause me pain. A year ago it led to me replying and then next thing you know I'm flying halfway around the world to see her only for her pretty much reject me after I get there. The last time she emailed me her "apology" for what she did to me when I went to see her, I responded again and we exchanged a few emails back and forth and then that was it, and I felt sad and felt like I had taken a bunch of steps in the wrong direction.

Her email yesterday was brief and just said that that she was thinking about me and hoping my family and I are doing well. It was strange because I was thinking about her all day yesterday as well. Of course I read into things too much. I'm really tempted to respond, even though the odds of it being a good outcome for me are slim. I guess I'm just coming on here looking for some encouragement to stay the course and remain no contact with her because it seems that is the only way I seem to improve. Even though I feel setback just receiving and email from her, I'm pretty sure that responding would only make matters worse. Any words of encouragement today would be greatly appreciated.
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« Reply #6 on: June 01, 2012, 08:38:00 AM »

"Her email yesterday was brief and just said that that she was thinking about me (no she wasnt) and hoping my family and I are doing well (no she isnt). It was strange because I was thinking about her all day yesterday as well. Of course I read into things too much. I'm really tempted to respond (do not), even though the odds of it being a good outcome for me are slim (anorexic). I guess I'm just coming on here looking for some encouragement to stay the course and remain no contact ( thats more like it) with her because it seems that is the only way I seem to improve. Even though I feel setback just receiving and email from her,( direct all her mails to JUNK - you do have the power) I'm pretty sure that responding would only make matters worse. Any words of encouragement today would be greatly appreciated"
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« Reply #7 on: June 01, 2012, 08:48:30 AM »

Hi moving1, I understand what you are going trough.

Sometimes drastic measures need to be taken to protect your sanity. Block her emails, delete your account if you have to!

Think of it this way, how far are you willing to go to protect yourself from harm? If someone was pointing a gun at you I'm sure you would run as fast as you can. It's the same, she has her gun pointing at your mind, run run run !

Stay strong !
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moving1
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« Reply #8 on: June 01, 2012, 08:58:06 AM »

Hi patman - sorry I didnt make it very clear - i copied Megatron's post & inserted in red what i thought ! Smiling (click to insert in post)
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Megatron
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« Reply #9 on: June 01, 2012, 09:10:00 AM »

Thanks guys. Moving1, are you saying that she really wasn't thinking about me and doesn't really hope I'm doing well? I know BPDs are awful but I always thought my ex was capable of showing some kindness and thoughtfulness on occasion. Why would she email me if she hadn't even been thinking of me at all?
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moving1
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« Reply #10 on: June 01, 2012, 09:24:23 AM »

Thanks guys. Moving1, are you saying that she really wasn't thinking about me and doesn't really hope I'm doing well? I know BPDs are awful but I always thought my ex was capable of showing some kindness and thoughtfulness on occasion. Why would she email me if she hadn't even been thinking of me at all?  Yep Im afraid so! If its BPD its never about us its "always" about them.  What she thinks & feels is none of your business & vice versa.  Im sorry if this is blunt but I promise in time you will feel the same  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

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Megatron
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« Reply #11 on: June 01, 2012, 11:15:49 AM »

No, its not blunt, don't apologize. I guess I just have to face the fact that she really doesn't care about me. If she did, she would have never hurt me the way she did. I'm just a fool for being hung up on her and having these fantasies where one day she will see the light and realize no one treated her as well as I did and that she will come to her senses.
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mgl210
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« Reply #12 on: June 01, 2012, 12:11:23 PM »

Megatron,

I feel your pain and I know exactly how you are feeling bc I am going through the same exact same thing


It sux...it really does
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abovebeyond
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« Reply #13 on: June 01, 2012, 12:17:26 PM »

I do the same thing, Megatron. Same thing. It comes in waves. Anger, Peace, Disbelief, self-blame. Because so much of what they do near the end of the RS makes little to no sense, you are left with the trying to figure out things on your own and making sense of that - and because you are the only one there, you end up taking responsibility and blame for their crap. God, I've done this too. hell, I did it yesterday. It sucks. Must purge the guilt. Keep moving on, forward, above.

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mgl210
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« Reply #14 on: June 01, 2012, 12:28:54 PM »

Megatron

I know how you feel. Unfortunately, I haven't heard from my ex...You've made the right decision to come here for support though...I wish i could take your pain away, but I know your pain too well and am still going through it I might add...Best wishes my friend
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Megatron
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« Reply #15 on: June 04, 2012, 10:37:12 AM »

I'm really tempted just to email her back something short, basically saying the same thing she said to me. I won't ask any questions and I won't expect a response back. Is that a bad idea? Even though I should want nothing to do with this person, I can't help but feel guilty ignoring someone I loved for so long (and still love).
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mgl210
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« Reply #16 on: June 04, 2012, 10:38:44 AM »

I understand completely how you feel my friend. I am in the same boat as you...

Sadly

Let me know how it goes...I hope for nothing but the best for you
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« Reply #17 on: June 04, 2012, 12:31:09 PM »

You said yourself that NC is the only thing that's been helping you. So why would you break that? I understand the guilt, wanting closure, etc. But this is about you now, as you seem to already know. Keep the focus on that. I'm in a similar situation, it's kind of a pep talk to Myself as well. But you really will gain less by contacting her than you will by leaving it be. Hang in there, don't beat yourself up about it either way, and continue reaching out for help and healing in the most Positive ways you can. Stay NC.
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Megatron
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« Reply #18 on: June 11, 2012, 03:11:42 PM »

Well I didn't listen to myself or anyone on here and I emailed my ex back. She responded telling me all about her life now and I responded to that and then she responded with this:

"I am trying really hard to be sober and to have a more settled life, but so many people here do drugs and no one really seems to be settling down. I would really like if we could be friends and really just friends, because obviously I am sort of an ass in any other circumstance. But I really do care about you and miss you and your family and I want you to be happy. I am coming home in September it would be nice if we could get lunch or something and just catch up. And I am sorry for my behavior and I wish that there was a way to explain how much of an ass I been towards you in the past, but I really can't. Its funny though because the longer that i am away from the situation the more I realized how nasty I was to you and how sweet you always were and forgiving. I mean you really did not deserve the sht i handed out and I can't belive I even treated someone like that. I think in the end we were really just not a good match. It turned me into a huge btch and you unhappy. But I can't help but still want you in my life beacuse you were my first love and my best friend for so many years, you were my family. I think that was maybe why it was so hard for us to let it go in the end because we were more like family eventhough we both knew we weren't happy. "

Of course now I'm upset, knowing I shouldn't have wrote her. How do I interpret the email? She said we weren't a good match and that the relationship led her to being a btch? So it is my fault then? Because we weren't a "good match" it turned her into a btch? I don't know how to decipher the email and it makes me think she is now a normal person who is sincerely apologizing. It really hurt me for her to say we weren't a good match because I thought we were for the most part. This just all makes me question if she has BPD or not. Maybe she was just acting immature when we were together. I don't know. The saga continues.
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« Reply #19 on: June 11, 2012, 03:53:46 PM »

I mean you really did not deserve the sht i handed out and I can't belive I even treated someone like that. I think in the end we were really just not a good match. It turned me into a huge btch and you unhappy. But I can't help but still want you in my life beacuse you were my first love and my best friend for so many years, you were my family. I think that was maybe why it was so hard for us to let it go in the end because we were more like family eventhough we both knew we weren't happy. "

Seems clear to me - she's only partially taking responsibility, while partially blaming - she's still sending mixed messages (a BPD trait). She says the relationship (or "it" caused her to be a btch. That gets her off the hook. lame "it." And you two "not being a good match" is downplaying any issues that affected things and is an oversimplification that shows she hasn't worked on herself enough to know her own devastating role in things. She sounds like the same girl to me. This email should actually be helpful - she hasn't changed, and your NC can now continue, if that's what you want.

Also - the friendship she misses is all about wht she GETS from that, not what your needs might be, and what she can offer as a friend. I don't think an untreated BPD that blames "it" for her btchiness and the lack of you being a "match" for things not working out will make a good friend, do you?
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« Reply #20 on: June 11, 2012, 03:56:09 PM »

"I am trying really hard to be sober and to have a more settled life, but so many people here do drugs and no one really seems to be settling down.

also - TRYING TO BE SOBER? WTH? and blaming that everyone else isn't so she should either. ALL BLAME. So if everyone is killing people, I should blame them and start killing people as well?

She's full of sht, and not taking responsibility, and being vague, and trying to come out without blame. And guess who gets to be the same - HER
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mgl210
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« Reply #21 on: June 11, 2012, 04:01:02 PM »

Megatron,

I know how you feel my friend. Last night, I wrote my ex's former friend(I don't know if they ever repaired their damaged friendship or not) last night a long e-mail clearing my name in that I never threw her down a flight of stairs. Today, I checked my mail and for some reason now I am getting my ex's mother's mail here.I wrote the postmaster telling them numerous times that no such a person with any of that last name of hers lives here, and yet they still send the mail here. I know how tough it is, I am struggling myself and I will continue to struggle for a long time. I can just tell you to do what you think is going to make you happy. I can't tell you what that is, because I sure as anything can't tell myself what will make me happy, but I can tell you to do what you think is best for you..

best wishes
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Megatron
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« Reply #22 on: June 11, 2012, 06:06:32 PM »

Thanks guys. It is really a blessing to be able to come on here and get good insight from everyone. It makes me feel better to see that she most likely hasn't changed. A lot of her email doesn't even make sense to me. How could "it" aka our relationship have turned her into a btch when she herself even said I was so good and sweet to her? How does kindness and sweetness cause someone to become a btch and all of a sudden not a good match? You are right she definitely seems to be oversimplifying the causes of the end of our relationship.

And I think she is somewhat delusional because she left me the final time because I lied to her and then admitted I hooked up with someone when we were broken up one time. She wanted me out of her life right then and there. Now it's "We weren't a good match", "We both knew we were unhappy", "We were really like family". I guess she has the official final say on what caused her leaving. what the heck? Now she wants friendship and "can't help but want me in her life" because I was her "first love" and I was her "best friend for so many years" Hmm. I guess that means I am now her ex-best friend? So  I've been downgraded obviously again to just a regular friend?

She also says that she is obviously an ass in to me in any other situation than friendship. Does that make any sense at all? So when she invited me to come visit her as a friend and she sht all over me when I got there, that's a different situation somehow? Huh? That was supposed to be a "friendship" situation was it not? If I meet her for lunch like she claims she wants to do, will she treat me the same way as she did when I saw her the last time as a "friend"


I am totally confused by this person but I know I play a huge part by constantly breaking no contact.  So blame me too but is my ex making any sense to anyone in her email? I know I shouldn't rely on it, but I find solace in others commenting and saying my ex is a loon or full of it, stuff like that. I am constantly seeking confirmation that she has some sort of disorder and that it's not my fault. Thanks again everyone for your kind words and support.

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« Reply #23 on: June 11, 2012, 06:19:44 PM »

I'd say stay NC for your own sake. She sounds like she goes from one extreme to another, changes her mind too much, and lays the blame on you. Although I have to say, your ex did admit she was at least part of the problem. Mine NEVER did that.

When my ex left, everything she said was wrong with the relationship was said to be My fault, none of hers. She wouldn't stay and work on things, either. Many of the things she said I was now doing wrong, as in your case, used to be things she LOVED about me. She projected her pains and problems out onto me, but by then I saw through that and knew she was just running from herself. It still hurt, the words she used, the ways she twisted the past and truths to fit her reasons for leaving. But that's on her, not me. I just have to get through the healing from it. I know what I did and didn't do inside our relationship. I know I'm not guilty of the crimes she's accusing me of, the ones that ended it between us. It gets confusing at times but I mostly see what's what.

I lost a good friend, too. But did I really? Anyone that acts this way with me in the future won't get very many chances to continue acting that way before I'LL be the one walking away. It sounds like you should just go NC and stay NC.
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Megatron
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« Reply #24 on: June 11, 2012, 08:03:17 PM »

I'd say stay NC for your own sake. She sounds like she goes from one extreme to another, changes her mind too much, and lays the blame on you. Although I have to say, your ex did admit she was at least part of the problem. Mine NEVER did that.

When my ex left, everything she said was wrong with the relationship was said to be My fault, none of hers. She wouldn't stay and work on things, either. Many of the things she said I was now doing wrong, as in your case, used to be things she LOVED about me. She projected her pains and problems out onto me, but by then I saw through that and knew she was just running from herself. It still hurt, the words she used, the ways she twisted the past and truths to fit her reasons for leaving. But that's on her, not me. I just have to get through the healing from it. I know what I did and didn't do inside our relationship. I know I'm not guilty of the crimes she's accusing me of, the ones that ended it between us. It gets confusing at times but I mostly see what's what.

I lost a good friend, too. But did I really? Anyone that acts this way with me in the future won't get very many chances to continue acting that way before I'LL be the one walking away. It sounds like you should just go NC and stay NC.

I know NC is the way to go. I thought that perhaps I could get real closure if I only kept in contact with her. However I feel like after every contact I'm not even a single step closer to getting that closure. I feel like her latest emails didn't provide that closure I want either.
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« Reply #25 on: June 11, 2012, 08:34:00 PM »

Excerpt
I thought that perhaps I could get real closure if I only kept in contact with her.

I think this is the no 1 'beginner-mistake', looking for closure with them, I did it too. You're looking for answers as to where did the relationship go wrong, where did I go wrong, etc...

It's crucial to understand that with a BPD the fact that they are in a relationship is what's wrong with it. They can't handle real intimacy, it triggers their darkest childhood fears, trauma's and what not. They just can't seem to comprehend that these are just feelings. At this point reality as WE know it is no longer theirs and their minds will create another reality in which these fears and feelings are justified.

So what kind of meaningful answers can be expected from someone who isn't even sharing your reality? BPD is a serious mental illness and should not be thought of as someone who 'is a bit confused'.
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« Reply #26 on: June 11, 2012, 09:13:34 PM »

Excerpt
I thought that perhaps I could get real closure if I only kept in contact with her.

I think this is the no 1 'beginner-mistake', looking for closure with them, I did it too. You're looking for answers as to where did the relationship go wrong, where did I go wrong, etc...

It's crucial to understand that with a BPD the fact that they are in a relationship is what's wrong with it. They can't handle real intimacy, it triggers their darkest childhood fears, trauma's and what not. They just can't seem to comprehend that these are just feelings. At this point reality as WE know it is no longer theirs and their minds will create another reality in which these fears and feelings are justified.

So what kind of meaningful answers can be expected from someone who isn't even sharing your reality? BPD is a serious mental illness and should not be thought of as someone who 'is a bit confused'.

You'll never find closure staying in contact with a pwBPD, the odds are just against it. You're only keeping the wounds open, and allowing other wounds to occur. For both of you. I've tried it too, and there's now a lot of extra healing to be done.
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« Reply #27 on: June 12, 2012, 07:48:00 AM »

What is it about me that keeps holding on? Why do I keep the contact going? I could easily block her email. I've already blocked her Facebook and I never try to check it anymore. But somehow in the end I always hope I will get contact from her. I can't help but still love this person but its obvious she doesn't feel the same. According to her, we were not a good match. The more I think about it, the more that really hurts for her to say something like that. How can she just say that our relationship is the reason for her becoming a btch? That doesn't seem fair to me. And also, she will never be a good match with anyone will she? It wasn't me and her together that turned her into a btch, it was her in her first ever intimate and committed relationship. Her in an intimate relationship spells disaster, doesn't it?

I had my faults and maybe sometimes I did annoying things or hurt my ex's feelings, but it was never intentional and I was always a loving and forgiving person. I'm still trying to figure out how that kind of behavior contributes to her acting nasty towards me?

My doubts about her having BPD are because she is actually admitting she was cruel to me and saying sorry. Is that something BPDs are even capable of? Admitting their wrongdoing?

She also seems to have a different memory than I do about the ending of the relationship. A week before she ended it she said she wanted to spend her life with me and loved me but according to her we were both unhappy and were just trying to hold and weren't good together because it made us unhappy. That's not how I remember it. I might have been unhappy at times but I truly wanted to put the work in and try to make us work. I did everything I thought I could but it wasn't enough for her in the end.

Sorry I am all over the place. I just feel so confused and I don't know how to deal with the fact that I might never get true closure.

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Thepatman
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« Reply #28 on: June 12, 2012, 08:18:17 AM »

Well put lessonslearned,

Megatron, this is breaking my heart for you, you sound to much like a super good person to be treated like this. Come on man, realize your self worth!

Reading her email gives me the chills, it's like my ex gf wrote it. Excuses excuses excuses, no sincerity at all in her message. Every failure in their lifes was caused by externals sources, never by themselfves. She drink because others drink? what the f$% is this supposed to mean? I've been sobber for a couple of weeks now. Do you think I hang out with my drinking buddies? NO WAY. I'll make sobber friends before doing that.

To change our lifes requires drastic measures. It'd the only way change can be accomplished. Block her messages, delete your account if you have to, but at all cost protect yourself from this abuse, your life is worth so much more. I'm re enforcing myself by saying this to you 

Hang in there and man your post soldier, man your post! 
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tailspin
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« Reply #29 on: June 12, 2012, 08:53:11 AM »

Megatron,

You are looking for logic and reasons that simply do not exist.  This isn't about you and the sad thing is...it never was.

Your ex has a distorted view of the world, the way things ended with you, her life, you, the cat next door, etc.  I would just stop wondering if she has BPD or not because it just doesn't matter anymore.  She has characteristics of the mental illness and a diagnosis is irrelevant at this point.

You keep holding on because you gave her the power to determine your self worth.  This is dangerous because when we give people the power to make us feel good about ourselves we also give them the power to make us feel bad about ourselves.  It's time to reclaim your power because it was never hers to begin with.

You also still hope she will have a  Idea moment and want you back.  First of all, this isn't going to happen my friend.  She isn't going to wake up one day and be mentally healthy.  Second of all...you are holding on to an illusion of what she is and not who she really is.  Hope isn't always a good thing and it keeps us with these people long after it's mentally healthy for us.

People with BPD may admit their wrongdoings...they may have moments of clarity...but this does not make them sane.  This makes them human and she is human but she is also disordered. Don't read too much into anything she said or says.  Focus instead on what she did/does/will continue to do if you let her.  

What we do is never enough because this isn't about us.  This is about them...their attachment disorder...their arrested emotional development...their core wound of abandonment...their vicious relationship cycles...their quest to find the *perfect one* who will make the pain stop.

Closure is a gift you must give yourself.  No one can give you closure, no one can make you feel better about what has happened to you.  This is your job and while it sucks to have to go it alone...you will regain your power by finding closure and feel better about yourself immediately.  

You will never find the release and comfort you seek from your ex; she is incapable of soothing herself and she will never be able to sooth you either.  She is the catalyst for your pain but she cannot make the pain go away.  The pain is yours to heal so be kind to yourself.  Love the man you are and the man you want to become.  Give yourself everything you wish she would give you.  Take your life back.

The abandonment pain you feel is real.  The suffering is real and I'm so sorry you are going through this because I do know you are devestated.  Please find comfort in knowing you will find the love you seek and so completely deserve.  But not with her.

Peace to you,

tailspin
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