she's not speaking to me because I was in an accident

[hellokitty4]

Early this morning on my way to work, I had a car accident... . at a stoplight, turned Left and my front tire and wheel hit the curb which caused my tire to blow out.  I literally could not move the car. I managed to send her a text to let her know that I was in an accident. Took her 25 minutes to respond "are you okay?" By then I was on the phone with roadside assistance. Then she called me and I couldn't answer because I was on the phone with roadside assistance. Did she really think I was going to put her first [ha! like she puts me first... . not anymore]. She called 4 times and sent 2 texts. Meanwhile I was on the phone with roadside assistance, the car dealership, my husband, the towing company. I managed to send a text to 2 of my other friends saying the same thing. I figured they must have the common sense to know that if I wasn't okay a) I wouldn't be able to text or b) I would tell them I'm hurt. BPD called one of the friends in tears.  Wow I must be important to her today. My friend hadn't really heard any different. BPD rushed to the nearest hospital to check if I was in the ER. I am glad she worries about me but I didn't expect this. This after she lied to me for 2 days so I'm thinking it's her guilt. After the whole commotion, I called her from my husband's car. She didn't pick up. Instead I got a text saying in a sort of cold way "well I just wanted to know if you are okay." I drove by her house to hopefully stop by so she can see that I am in one piece. She wasn't there.  I called her again to let her know.  As I expected, she sent me a text "All you needed to do was text me that you're okay. Glad you're fine. Will talk later." I responded by saying that I wish she would not get mad, that if anything physically wrong happened to me, she would be the first to know because she's my ICE person.  Have not heard from her since... . it's been 2 hours.

Somehow my accident became all about her and of course now she's upset with me.  Never mind that she straight out lied to me for 2 days. If I had died would she also get mad at me?

I guess her knowing that I'm fine is all it takes and then she can go back to ignoring me. Like she's punishing me for making her worry and for not picking up her calls.

Feeling sad and frustrated

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[briefcase]

Sounds like she panicked and then overreacted.     It seems like there should be a lot of steps between not getting a follow up text from you and going to the ER to look for you.  Maybe next time don't text her until after the fact. 

[hellokitty4]

Sounds like she panicked and then overreacted.     It seems like there should be a lot of steps between not getting a follow up text from you and going to the ER to look for you.  Maybe next time don't text her until after the fact. 

In retrospect that is what I should have done. I didn't realize that she would panic. The only reason I sent her a message is so she doesn't wonder where I am when she calls my office between 9-11.  Little did I know that my text would create such drama for her. If I had sent her a text after the fact then she will say "why didn't you tell me." or "who did you call? your buddy S?" Can't win.

And now hours later, I still haven't heard from her. I am starting to wonder is this a true friend? Or is she soothing and calming herself before she calls me? Or is she getting even like she usually does?

[123Phoebe]

Hi hellokitty

Ugh, what a pain and hassle having your tire blow out   Were any other cars involved?  Were you or anybody else hurt at all?

I managed to send her a text to let her know that I was in an accident.

I'm curious about how you worded your original text to her?  Did you specifically state 'I've been in an accident'?  Any mention of the blown tire? 

I can understand why/how someone might be a little panicked receiving an 'accident' text and then to hear nothing.  I wonder how she would've responded to something more like: 'Hey, blew out my tire!  Dealing with roadside soon.  Won't be in the office until who knows when... . blah.  More details to follow... . '

Would that have kept her calm?  While in the long run, keeping you calmer also; less annoyed and concerned with her behavior?

I've found that it works pretty well to be straight and to the point in texts, a few details, so that there's no room for assumptions.

I texted my pwBPD something recently, canceling plans without giving any details.  I was pretty emotional when I sent it and the whole thing turned kinda topsy turvy.  I posted about it in Personal Inventory.

Anyway, I'm glad you're okay and hope that you and your friend are able to work this out without too much drama.

[hellokitty4]

My text was brief because I was on the phone with roadside assistance and was not good at using my phone.  She knows this... . we own the same brand. I did not go into detail. I figured common sense and her knowing me too well that I was merely trying to let her know that I am stuck somewhere and will not be in the office. And that if I was hurt badly, someone else would be informing her.

There were no other cars involved and I wasn't hurt. The car is a whole other issue. I may have ruined the suspension and won't know how much it would cost to repair it yet.

I'm sure this whole episode dysregulated her. Scared her a lot.  She always said she won't be able to handle it if I get hurt badly or die. Yet she avoids me like the plague.  I just found it odd that someone who claims to love me and care about me has not bothered to return any of my calls.  A true friend would be more forgiving and would want to talk to me. I have called her a total of 4 times. I did send her a detailed text thanking her for her concern.  right now, I'm done. She will stay mad at me for a few days. I will leave her alone and just send her a text a couple of times. I have become so numb with this friendship.  I used to cry for her but I don't anymore. I wish she is normal.

[123Phoebe]

My text was brief because I was on the phone with roadside assistance and was not good at using my phone.  She knows this... . we own the same brand. I did not go into detail. I figured common sense and her knowing me too well that I was merely trying to let her know that I am stuck somewhere and will not be in the office. And that if I was hurt badly, someone else would be informing her.

Hellokitty,

Your friend is someone that you presume to have a serious emotional disorder, BPD.  :)oes it make (common) sense that someone who has a serious emotional disorder would overreact to a text that says, 'I've been in an accident'?  Common sense and her knowing you well enough to read between the lines of a vague text is pure assumption.

It helps me to assume that people don't necessarily know what I mean.  Shoot, sometimes I don't even know what I mean   So, I'm learning to be more forthcoming with what's going on with me.  Even those ghastly emotions, haha.  Taking the focus off the other person, getting in touch with what's actually going on inside of me, owning it and expressing it.  While giving the other person the   s  p  a  c  e   to respond.

From what you've posted recently, there's a lot more going on between the two of you then her not wanting to talk to you right now.  It seems that there's an emotional overload of unresolved issues and this is another manifestation of it.

She did race to the ER to make sure you were okay, so she does care a great deal.  Common sense can fly right out the window when emotions are running high.

For the time being, would it help to embrace the idea that yes, she cares.  Just maybe can't express it in a way that you feel 100% comfortable with?

Sounds like you both care a great deal for each other, but are having problems communicating in a way that expresses it.

I've had the same problems.  HAVE the same problems.  I forget sometimes that I'm in a relationship with someone who has an emotional disorder.  When I become over emotional because of it, look out!  But, recognizing this tells me that I'm in need of better self care.  Self care, meaning it's my responsibility and I can't expect someone to give to me what I can't give to myself-- peace, harmony, contentedness etc... . it all has to come from within.

And then I'm better able to give the other person what it is they're seeking... . Understanding.  But first, I have to give it to myself

[hellokitty4]

"From what you've posted recently, there's a lot more going on between the two of you then her not wanting to talk to you right now.  It seems that there's an emotional overload of unresolved issues and this is another manifestation of it."

There are unresolved issues:

- she says she's in love with me and is confused with her sexuality.  Why have these feelings for someone when she's happily married?

- she lies and I have tried to talk to her about it but she refuses to talk about it

- she constantly accuses me of doing things I didn't do and actually believes her accusations

- I am always to blame for anything

In the past, I have tried to talk to her about all this.  But she brushes them off, doesn't want to talk about it and just says "I don't want to talk about it." end of story. Or she will not talk to me at all.  I have given her as much understanding as anyone can do but no matter what I do it gets all turned around and nothing I do is ever right. I know she cares about me... . I'm very clear about that. And she knows that I will always be here for her... . maybe that's why she often picks a fight. I know she was upset for fear of me being badly hurt, I know she can't stand the thought of me leaving or us not being connected in any way. I understand yesterday's accident gave her a scare and upset her.  And I let her know by text as she will not pick up my calls.  All I was asking was a little understanding on her part that I didn't mean to not respond to her calls and texts immediately as I was trying to get my situation in the middle of a busy street taken care off. 

I will give her space. When she's calmed down and ready, maybe she'll contact me.

[123Phoebe]

There are unresolved issues:

- she says she's in love with me and is confused with her sexuality.  Why have these feelings for someone when she's happily married?

- she lies and I have tried to talk to her about it but she refuses to talk about it

- she constantly accuses me of doing things I didn't do and actually believes her accusations

- I am always to blame for anything


And she knows that I will always be here for her

What are you getting out of this relationship?  Does it make you feel uncomfortable that this woman is in love with you, questioning her own sexuality?  Does it make you question your own?

Not judging, just curious? 

What if it was a man that was professing these feelings towards you?

Think about what it is you're experiencing being involved in this relationship... .   What needs are being met/unmet?

[hellokitty4]

We are close friends, at least we were.  Things changed when she professed her "love" for me last year. I don't get much out of this relationship... . all I do is give, give, understand, give, understand. I am done with circular arguments where I am always to blame so I leave her alone when she gets this way. I try to understand why she is angry even when simple things get so blown out of proportion. I have asked her in the past if I should just leave the friendship... . her answer "I would rather be mad at you and know that you are just there than to lose you." But she is pushing me closer to the end. She won't discuss the recent episode... . and just brushed it aside. 

I don't question my sexuality. And it doesn't bother me that she's in love with me.  We know it's there and we act like close friends. This is probably the biggest unresolved issue. If it were a man professing his love, I would probably have an easier conversation about it because there probably won't be any drama. She and I are so emotionally attached.

The friendship is completely controlled by her. I let her because I don't want any fights or arguments. Waking on eggshells to save myself.

She is a good, kindhearted person, she makes me laugh. But she is not the friend I can confide in because I'm brushed aside. It is all about her. I feel stuck sometimes... . there is no way anything I do is good enough or right. If I keep in touch, I'm smothering her. If I give her space, I'm abandoning her. If I don't respond to a call or text, I must be talking to someone else.

So what should I do? I want this friendship to last but I can't be the only one trying hard to keep it together.  I am also close to her children.

[arabella]

I don't get much out of this relationship... . all I do is give, give, understand, give, understand.

***

But she is not the friend I can confide in because I'm brushed aside. It is all about her. I feel stuck sometimes... . there is no way anything I do is good enough or right.

***

So what should I do? I want this friendship to last ... .

Err... . Why are you trying to preserve this friendship? I hear you say that she can be kind and that she makes you laugh, but you also state that you aren't getting much out of the r/s.

Many of the things that you are upset about, and I understand why you would be, are really just typical when dealing with a pwBPD. You're asking her to be understanding, to put your emotional needs before her own - that isn't going to happen, she isn't capable of it. This is a really short road to frustration for you.

There are unresolved issues:

- she says she's in love with me and is confused with her sexuality.  Why have these feelings for someone when she's happily married?

- she lies and I have tried to talk to her about it but she refuses to talk about it

- she constantly accuses me of doing things I didn't do and actually believes her accusations

- I am always to blame for anything

These sorts of things are something that can be solved by you. It would take YEARS of therapy to fix. Confusion about one's sexuality is not a light matter and can crop up regardless of current relationships or past history. The lies seem to be part and parcel for many pwBPD. It's not about you - you've mentioned before that she lies to everyone. I think you'll have to either accept that this is the way she operates, or accept that you can't be friends with her. The next one is tricky too. If she actually believes her accusations, then... . ? This is her reality. There's no changing it. You may be able to redirect her, but the fact is that she thinks it's true so, to her, her actions are justified. As for being blamed for everything, yes, well, that's pretty typical too. Your only hope there is to detach and deflect. Just brush it off - YOU know it isn't true!

[123Phoebe]

So what should I do? I want this friendship to last but I can't be the only one trying hard to keep it together.  

Less.  A lot less

A lot less thinking about her, worrying about your friendship, trying hard etc... .  Attach yourself to your own life, your own interests (she doesn't count as one ) and care more about yourself

[hellokitty4]

Thank you, arabella and 123phoebe... .

A lot less... . is a start.

And go back to who I was before her.

[danley]

Somehow my accident became all about her and of course now she's upset with me.

Feeling sad and frustrated

Sounds like my ex too. If I'd have a flat or my car broke down he'd get all pissy and act like he didn't care. Then somehow he'd turn the situation into something about him or one of his unrelated problems. He'd also get frustrated with me as tho I purposely broke my car. It was like he couldn't handle when anything went wrong with me. Instead of being supportive he'd get defensive. I Once was in a car accident too. Everyone else's first response to me was ARE YOU OK? MY ex first response was OH. OK. WAS IT YOUR FAULT?

Your ex sounds kinda selfish like mine. Like it's a crime for you to have something go wrong. They sometimes think you're making crap up just to get their attention. And they cant seem to give the same amount as you would them if the tables were turned. At least my ex gave me that impression.

[hellokitty4]

Somehow my accident became all about her and of course now she's upset with me.

Feeling sad and frustrated

Sounds like my ex too. If I'd have a flat or my car broke down he'd get all pissy and act like he didn't care. Then somehow he'd turn the situation into something about him or one of his unrelated problems. He'd also get frustrated with me as tho I purposely broke my car. It was like he couldn't handle when anything went wrong with me. Instead of being supportive he'd get defensive. I Once was in a car accident too. Everyone else's first response to me was ARE YOU OK? MY ex first response was OH. OK. WAS IT YOUR FAULT?

Your ex sounds kinda selfish like mine. Like it's a crime for you to have something go wrong. They sometimes think you're making crap up just to get their attention. And they cant seem to give the same amount as you would them if the tables were turned. At least my ex gave me that impression.

Actually she's a close friend, not an ex. The world revolves around her... . everything is about her. She has this fear of losing me so any threat to my life scares her and she does not know how to handle it other than to stay away. There was no threat yesterday,  I told her I had a car accident.  If I was hurt or dying she would not have heard directly from me.  But the drama was spun that way and so now it's my fault bec I didnt respond to her text while I was dealing with roadside assistance, insurance, work, car dealership. Most times she has my attention... . she's not lacking in that department.

Sometimes I wish the tables were turned so she can feel how I feel.

[danley]

Yes. It would be nice if the tables were turned. But you probably are a good friend and wouldn't do that to anyone you care about. Your friend probably knows this too.

[Spaces]

I've been reading this and I think I have something golden to share.

Its important that she is aware that your emotional well-being is not second tier to her whims.  YES if she's having a breakdown its important to be her friend for her, but forget about the pile of dishes if the house is on fire.  Make sure she knows this.  And be willing to let go if this isn't acceptable to her.  More importantly though, make sure YOU know this.  Regardless of how much you love someone you probably shouldn't let them drown you.  This is my internal dialoge when my dBPDgf decides to start taking advantage of me.  I must be willing to let go otherwise I'm just enabling her and hurting us both.  "I love you, but I can't and won't let you destroy me".  This let's my dBPDgf know that I want to stay and be part of her life, and I want her to be a part of my life, but priority is that I have a life.

The perpose of friendship is a mutually benifitial one. 

[hellokitty4]

I finally heard from her today... . ,,

Her: I hope you made it to the parade.  We went to the ********parade with *******.

Me: I didn't make it to the parade. I stayed home and learned routines.  Glad you went to the *********parade with *********.

I thought okay that's a good start... . until I got the following text!

Her: I'm more mad at myself for getting that worried that day.  I'm sure you couldn't have answered one of my many texts [she sent 3 one after another] sooner. A simple "I'm ok" is what I wanted to see.  You wanted attention and u got it.  Pretty bad way of getting that though.  See just because I would never do that to any of my friends I'm having a hard time with this.

Me:  I can see how that would make you mad at yourself and upset with me.  And having a hard time dealing with this.  Most everyone would feel angry with how it turned out. I would feel the same way. I guess that first text was my way of letting you know that I had an accident and was ok. I'm sorry I did not word it correctly. I'm very sorry.

I didn't hear back from her and I don't expect to... . probably better that way. She got it out of her system.  I hope I validated her feelings with my last text. I didn't address the "wanted attention" part because I thought it was silly. She has been ignoring me in the past few days and it could be her guilt because she knows she was avoiding me, lying to me and ignoring me. But in no way was my accident or not immediately responding to her texts a cry for attention. I didn't even think of that! Come to think of it, the two other people who didn't get an "I'm ok" response didn't react this way.

What do you think about my response?

[Spaces]

seems to me you take more time validating her feelings then you do your own.  honestly, where is the mutuality?

[hellokitty4]

seems to me you take more time validating her feelings then you do your own.  honestly, where is the mutuality?

Spaces you are like the voice behind my ears... . thank you.  The longer my BPD takes to get over her tantrum the more time I have realizing that there is no mutuality... . the more I realize that it's a one-sided friendship where she takes, blames, rages and takes anything I do personally. I love her but I don't know how far that love will go... .