When does your heart stop hurting?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I am sitting here at work and my heart is just pounding. I can feel it in my neck.

I know I am not having a heart attack ... . don't worry. I am just so consumed by loss.  Sometimes I feel ok for a bit but I really miss my ex. I love her and I miss all the good stuff.

This wouldn't have been so bad if she hadn't ran off with the ex for a romantic cabin weekend over the 4th in Minn (where the ex lives).

A part of me just hopes this is a rebound relationship. The fact they stayed friends ten years and now this woman wants her back because her marriage is ending (she dumped my ex for the woman she is now divorcing). I just feel horrible. My ex told me never to speak to her again or she will get a restraining order (even though she showed up at my gym the same morning I finally Facebook blocked her). I just don't know what to think anymore.

[Pretty Woman]

I am sitting here at work and my heart is just pounding. I can feel it in my neck.

I know I am not having a heart attack ... . don't worry. I am just so consumed by loss.  Sometimes I feel ok for a bit but I really miss my ex. I love her and I miss all the good stuff.

This wouldn't have been so bad if she hadn't ran off with the ex for a romantic cabin weekend over the 4th in Minn (where the ex lives).

A part of me just hopes this is a rebound relationship. The fact they stayed friends ten years and now this woman wants her back because her marriage is ending (she dumped my ex for the woman she is now divorcing). I just feel horrible. My ex told me never to speak to her again or she will get a restraining order (even though she showed up at my gym the same morning I finally Facebook blocked her). I just don't know what to think anymore.

[Octoberfest]

I know it may not seem like it or it may be hard to see... . But neither your BPDex or her ex that she has run off with are healthy. Your BPDex for obvious reasons, and yeah, that is really sort of what it looks like, a rebound for your BPDex's ex.  The fact is that pwBPD have NO foresight. They live in the now, and any thoughts of how what they are doing might impact them in the future escape them.  It's part of the shame.  They hurt so badly that they do whatever they need to to feel good on a day by day basis.  Unfortunately for them, that strategy leads to conflicts of interest and problems in the long run.  It might feel really good one day when the pwBPD and their SO are fighting to go and text an ex or flirt with a new person.  It makes them happy right then.  4 days later when the pwBPD and their SO are reconciled, all of a sudden there is this new person in the picture who didn't go away after the incident of strife between the pwBPD and SO.  My BPDex told me how convinced she is that her new guy (the one she was cheating on me with most recently) was such a good fit for her and that they have gotten a dog together and are planning on moving in together.  That she would be SHOCKED if it didn't end well.  At the time of telling me this, she and the new guy had KNOWN/been talking for 1.5 months.  On top of that, 10 days prior she texted me telling me that she "loves me and wants me back".  That screams "hiting train wreck" to me, but for them they feel like and make it appear like everything is wonderful.  Any sane person would say "1.5 months of KNOWING eachother, not dating, and the relationship started with cheating, and you have a dog and want to move in together... . yeah GOOD LUCK with that".  But it all seems like it is wonderful to the pwBPD because it feeds their intense desire for validation and to feel wanted.  They have NO concept of the implications of their actions or the things that COULD happen because of them.  Liken it to driving down the highway with both eyes shut.


These are not healthy people.  It hurts, but be glad you are free of them.

[Pretty Woman]

Thanks, Octoberfest (love the name BTW) Fall is my favorite time of year!

I agree with you. I guess what concerns me is this ex has stayed her friend all these years. This was her go to person she would bhit about her exes to.

When I first entered this relationship this woman and her ex were on good terms and I didn't really hear her name much.  I did hear about my ex's previous ex though (I found out at the end of our relationship when I entered the picture this ex was in the process of getting back with my ex but since she was dating me that never happened).

So my fear is this ex was her "one that got away" and was probably her comfort through all the relationships that went wrong. This poor woman probably forgot how bad it was with her and chalked it up to them being in their 20's at the time.

Even as my ex was telling me she was going back she said she was worried it would not work. This woman lives 800 miles away and my ex has an old truck. She also said she was afraid she would get dumped again but this woman promised to "never" do it again. 

Never say never, isn't that how it goes?

Anyways my ex proceeds to tell me she is also scared this is her "best friend" and she could lose her completely if this doesn't work. All her supply is gone (all exes married, not talking to her or dating men now after being with her). She really has no friends that are current. They are all exes or people she recently contacted from years ago. Right now I am the only one left and I told her I refuse to be her second choice so if she really wants this she needs to follow her heart and be happy.

I seriously tell her this and she tells me to never contact her or she will file a restraining order. I mean how eff'd up is that? Was it because I wasn't fighting it?

[Pretty Woman]

I should also note, I think my exes insecurity about this woman leaving her will get the best of her. I truly believe she is going to try to triangulate me and right now I am not strong enough to stay away.

Just prayin for strength to back up my words of not being "second best"

[bpdspell]

Hey Earth Angel,

I think its possible that you're creating a narrative in your mind from your feelings of abandonment. I too thought my ex was having a ball with his new supply skipping off into the sunset of happiness while I cried buckets day and night. But this is our minds playing tricks on us.

If your ex is truly BPD this "ex" who seems to be your replacement will have hell to pay once the idealization wears off. I know you feel like you weren't the "chosen" one or you wonder why she "chose" this ex over you but you are forgetting a huge chunk of this puzzle: that your ex is mentally ill.

She will never find "the one" or have a happy ending with someone else. I don't care how long she's known this ex... . she's sick in the head and heart. My ex has had "so called" friends since a teen but ALL and I mean all his friendships are superficial and shallow one way streets. So I really question how "deep" of a friendship your ex is sharing with this person.

As for your heart hurting it is a part of the breakup process and you will survive but you are making it more difficult for yourself in not accepting that your ex is disordered.

It takes time to sink in that a mentally ill person doesn't have to look "crazy" to be well... . "crazy." There's this presumption that crazy means a straight jacket or an old lady eating cat food for breakfast or an old man howling at the wind on a park bench... . but mental illness is certainly has a broader scope.  BPD's look normal on the outside but they are sick as hell in their brains.

She will never have the keys to your happiness no matter how good idealization was in the beginning. You will never get idealization back because it was a fantasy version of love.  My ex love bombed me and I have never fallen so hard for a person in my life. Turns out he wore an Academy Award Level mask and dropped it once I started having needs of my own. It's what they all do. Yes. It all unravels into a living nightmare but with enough time and distance you will begin to see that your ex is no prize pig.

She's a tormented mentally ill soul who suffers in misery from the disorder of BPD. And there is no room for making others happy when you have a mental illness.

Your heart can begin to heal once you accept that this woman will never have the keys to your happiness; only you do.

Spell

[TheDude]

I am sitting here at work and my heart is just pounding. I can feel it in my neck.

Spell and Fest have pretty much covered the why of why you're feeling this way. I'll add to that the actual physical manifestation - anxiety. The term "broken heart" and what it describes (tightening in the chest and various muscles throughout the body, as well as shortness of breath, etc) is, in fact, anxiety. It's not pleasant at all. Relaxation techniques, perhaps including meditation, help calm things down substantially. Google the term "thought stopping". That's a huge help, too. And whatever you do, stay away from caffeine!

[Tired68]

Spell I have to say every time I read a post from you I start to feel a little better. are you in the field of psychology or just very gifted?

[Pretty Woman]

Thank you all for the sage advice.  All of it.  I guess not knowing if she is BPD is the hardest part.  I know I am not faultless.  I just am feeling rejected and even though we were looking at rings a few weeks ago my therapist tells me she was probably looking at rings for the ex.

It just makes me feel like I wasn't loved at all and God, I have a lot of love in me.   

[papawapa]

It took a good month before my anxiety subsided to a tolerable level. It still flares up but it not reaching the empty sucking vortex in my chest level. Praying for understanding helped change things for me.

Hang in there. It will get easier with time even though now it seems overwhelming and it will never go away.