Please help me get her back... What's your best advice?

[LovingLaura]

Hi. I'll try to make this as succinct as possible... . Two years ago I fell madly in love w a woman. The first 6 mos. was bliss, the second 6 mos. revealed PBD symptoms, and the final third 6 mos. I spent constantly defending myself — and fighting back... . Finally, one wonderful and affectionate, loving morning, she abruptly accused me of something horribly preposterous, hung up on me and hardly communicated w me afterwards. That was it.

I did not know of BPD or that she was BPD until months AFTER our break-up. I learned from my own study, trying desperately to understand what happened.

Fact is she never knew her parents. Each passed away by the time she was 3. She and her sisters were raised by 70+ aged grandparents who didn't much want them... . During our relationship, I attributed her PBD symptomatic behavior to insecurities from abandonment from having lost her parents and what I surmised as an insufficient upbringing, etc., and experiences she lamented with an unfaithful husband and boyfriend... .

Of course, now I know. Her behavior is classic, spot-on high-functioning BPD. In retrospect, everything I experienced makes total sense.

We have been out of touch for 6 mos., and I want her back. I love her very much, and NOW I believe she 1) is aware of her issues, in spite of what she never revealed to me (she's very committed to exercise, yoga, meditation and books about mindfulness and spirituality, etc., and once admitted her trust issues "must be exhausting", 2) desperately wants to heal, and 3) CAN heal w the proper support.

Salt in the wound: I confess I was not supportive when we were together. I regarded her mood swings as bratty, her trust issues as insulting, manifestations of her abandonment issues as absurd... . and I fought back. I was the antithesis of the supportive, helpful nonBPD partner.

Suffice it to say, so much makes sense — now that I'm gone. Had I known then what I know now, I would have and could have been a different partner.

I want her back. I want her to love me again. I want to exercise all I've learned.

HOW DO I DO THIS?

What can I say to her to win her trust? Can I win her trust?

I want to have the chance to begin a dialog so I can explain my positions.

I want her to know/realize our circumstances were extraordinary (validate the madness), but I don't think I should tell her she's BPD... . Know what I mean?

Please help me. Please give me your advice.

How do you reconcile w a BPD?

Thank you very, very much.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Rockylove]

What can I say to her to win her trust? Can I win her trust?

I want to have the chance to begin a dialog so I can explain my positions.

I want her to know/realize our circumstances were extraordinary (validate the madness), but I don't think I should tell her she's BPD... . Know what I mean?

Please help me. Please give me your advice.

How do you reconcile w a BPD?

absolutely DON'T tell her your suspicions of BPD.  That would be the kiss of death.  If you'd like to reconcile, my best suggestion would be to apologize for what you feel you've done to put a chink in the armor of your relationship, that you'd like the opportunity to start over and then let the chips fall where they may.  You've no control after that.  She may feel the same way and not sure how to approach you... . or she may have just moved on.  Either way, you'll have done what you can do to make amends.  No over-doing it, though.  You're not responsible for everything!  Best of luck and keep reading the lessons, books and postings... . it really does help!

[LovingLaura]

Thank you. It's all very confusing and frustrating. Is it just me or are BPD's behavior mysteriously unpredictable, hypocritical and irrational? When she's in the bad place (unregulated, is that what it's called?), her behavior is totally different than the woman I know and love. Besides that, it feels like no matter how she's behaving, her demeanor, etc., she's always on guard, always trying to catch me, it seems. I've told her a hundred times, if she put a fraction of the energy she puts into suspicion and misperceived notions into realizing how good we have it, we'd be in a different place. I suppose that's the devaluing, right?... . Sometimes I think I'm too close to the problem for her to come back to me. I think she knows I realize she has a serious problem, and she's run from me so she won't be faced w me urging her to help herself. I've bought her books and took her to a psychologist I found who specializes in abandonment issues. She lead me to believe she was appreciative, but now I wonder if that drive her away?

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Thank you. It's all very confusing and frustrating. Is it just me or are BPD's behavior mysteriously unpredictable, hypocritical and irrational?

Hi LovingLaura   I'm sorry, but this made me laugh a little. Because you express it so well, they definitely seem mysteriously unpredictable, confusing and irrational. They can be one big crazy-making ball of question marks.

I join Rockylove in her advice that you shouldn't tell her she has borderline. It usually goes over very badly.

And I guess just tell her how you feel, but don't push it or overdo your excuses (if you wish to present any).

Have you had a chance to read the Lessons on the right? --------------->

They are very helpful.

As for whether your actions drove her away or not... . the disorder drives people with BPD away from loved ones. It goes with the territory. Push-pull, I love you-I hate you.

[Grey Kitty]

I know I got a lot from reading the lessons here. Really changed things for me and my relationship. In your case, I'd start with this one which addresses what role you will be taking if you do resume your relationship:

The Do's and Don'ts for a BP relationship

Once you read it, and think long and hard if this is the sort of relationship you want to pursue, then see what you find if you do contact her. She may be interested in trying again, or she may not; that is her choice.

 GK

[LovingLaura]

Thank you to for your attention and consideration, comments, advice and support.

This is such a difficult time for me.

I want to help this woman I love so much. I know she hurts: I could see it and feel it when I was with her, and even see the way it hurt her and brought her down. She never explained or talked about any of the demons she's living with, but, now in retrospect, looking back on my experience with her — the high highs and low lows, how she looked scared sometimes when I had to say goodbye for the day, the ways she presumably coped — the sudden needs to take long walks, spend time alone in parks, the spiritual books she kept on her nightstand, her journaling, her commitment to yoga, meditation and exercise, the countless daily email messages she got about mindfulness and zen and dealing w adversity in life, all the times she would hold me and ask me if I "really love her," on and on... .

She has such a good heart. Her childhood was horrific, having lost her parents when she was just three. She once told me she was eighteen years old before she could ever admit to anyone that her parents had passed away. She told me how, at school, birthday parties, with friends, etc., she would watch how other children interacted with their parents and want that for herself. Whenever adults asked her where her parents were, she would tell them they were traveling or with her sisters or unable to make it because of work; she could never tell them the truth.

I love her so, so much. I want to help her so badly and love her and provide her the support and comfort she needs and deserves.

Thank you everyone.

[briefcase]

It sounds like you care for her quite a lot.  The best thing you can do right now is read and learn about BPD and these relationships.  Build yourself up with knoweldge and support.  We are here to help you.  Have you read the Staying Lessons yet?  There is a lot of great information in there.