new member with BPD DIL

[8hurting9]

Hi everybody.  I'm here as a hurting family member of a BPD daughter-in-law.  As I just started therapy yesterday & within 25 minutes, my 'new' therapist tagged her as a BPD.  So, I am joining this site with the hopes of gleaning some additional insight and give/receive much needed support.  

I thank those who started this site, as I see it as an emotional lifesaver.

8hurting9

[Rapt Reader]

Hi, 8hurting9, and welcome! I'm impressed that you have taken the positive step in going to Therapy, and also impressed that you came right here once you found out what the problem is with your DIL! You really are committed to working things out with her, and you have found the perfect place to do so... . I'm so glad you are here.

Probably your Therapist has already told you that your DIL's brain works differently than yours or mine; that she doesn't really go out of her way to hurt and confuse you, but that this is just the way her perceptions of the world affect the way she relates to it. I have a diagnosed son (36) with BPD, and an undiagnosed BPD DIL myself (married to my younger son, who is non-BPD), and it helps me to say to myself: "This is not about you--it's all about him/her!" when things get out of control.

When a family member has BPD, the illness can negatively everyone in the family system, including children, siblings, and in-laws. Senior members on the [L5]  Coping and Healing from a BPD Parent, Sibling, or Inlaw board are experienced with and can help you with setting boundaries, finding relief from FOG, encouraging self-care, improving your handling of relationships impacted by your BPD relative, and pursuing a path of recovery from traumatic experiences. The validation, information, and support will give you strength on your journey.

Once you get a better understanding of what you are dealing with, it does get easier.

The link to the Healing from a Relationship Board is a very supportive place to read; I go there myself to learn how to deal with my DIL when specific things pop up. I've also found great tools to communicate with her at these links:

TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth

Communication using validation. What it is; how to do it

Radical Acceptance for family members

I've found that once I changed the way I communicated with my loved ones with BPD, it changed the way they reacted to me! And that was a very, very good thing... . What kinds of things does your DIL do? How have you been handling it? You have a son, then, who is married to her? How is he doing? Is your relationship with him OK? Do you have any grandchildren? Please continue to post here and tell your story; there are many people with troubles just like yours who are very willing to help... .

[Scarlet Phoenix]

 

Hi 8hurting9, I just wanted to join Rapt Reader in welcoming you to this site! I hope you feel that you are not alone, there is plenty of support and good advice here. We're here to share your journey with you.

Rapt Reader has already given you some great links to valuable tools that have really helped me in my relationship with my diagnosed borderline boyfriend (dBPDbf). And there's a lot more, too.

What happened recently to bring your here?

Which of your DIL's behaviors are causing you the most problems?

[Brown]

Hi 8hurting9,

I too am a newbee to this website--I joined on Tuesday.  However, I started therapy 4 months ago.  And like you, it only took about 10 minutes of me talking to the T before he said he believed we are dealing with a personality disorder called BPD.  I just thought she was mean and hateful.  But I was stunned--never heard of BPD before--and somewhat thought T didn't know what he was talking about.  But when I was researching on the internet I found this website.  The very first posting I read sounded just like I could have written it.  My story was staring at me in the face as I read the posting--like a slap in the face. That is when I started believing my T.  My husband is 100% sure he is correct in this thinking.

When I read your posting, I was touched since it appears we are going through the same thing at the same time.  I am sorry you are hurting so badly.  When I started therapy I was hurting so much so that I couldn't stop crying.  I just couldn't function with my day to day responsibilities.  Fortunately, I am retired and my husband is so precious and it didn't bother him that I was crying all the time!  He was hurting too and he understood.  My T prescribed Lexapro for me, but it made me feel like a zombie.  I was sleeping 20 hours a day.  So he had me cut the pill into fourths and take 1/4 of it each night.  That worked much better for me and I was more able to focus like he wanted me to--and I stopped my non-stop crying.  Are you on any medications?  If so, I hope they are helping.

8hurting9, your story sounds much like mine and I wanted to write you to let you know I will be thinking of you and praying for you during your difficult time.  I hope we get to correspond often.  Hope you were somehow able to have a somewhat good Fourth of July holiday.   

Hope to chat with you again soon,

Brown

[mil2bpd]

Welcome 8hurting9... . this is beginning to feel like a club that no one ever wanted or thought they'd be belonging to but now that we find ourselves here we see how we're not alone and that the members share something so "special" in common.

I, too, have come to the realization in the past couple of weeks about my uBPD DIL and it does hurt terribly. I'm glad you took the step of seeking out this site. I'm sure you'll be finding the support you desire here. "Stop Walking on Eggshells" is a great place to start; fortunately I had that under my belt so when DIL started acting out I suspected what we were dealing with, and when DS reported his experiences, combined with her upbringing, it was readily apparent she has the traits. At least we've all come to recognize that and that opens the door to healing.

Are you ready to tell us more about yourself and situation? You know we're all here to listen... . and offer whatever support we can, to learn from each other and provide shoulders to lean on when we can... .