Think along please: Too easy too much information

[VeryFree]

Hi fellow-boarders!

I would like to ask you to think along with me.

First about me, how I was untill half a year ago (before the break up):

quiet, lonely, self-problem-solving, critical about myself, not sharing emotions, insecure, difficulties to trust other people, don't wanna lose control over myself.

On april 10 I scored the following in the personality traits topic (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=128254.140):

Paranoid 42%

Schizoid 22%

Schizotypal 34%

Antisocial 38%

Borderline 38%

Histrionic 18%

Narcissistic 18%

Avoidant  70%

Dependent  18%

Obsessive-Compulsive  34%

The last half year, after my separation, was very hard, but I've learned a lot about myself. Today I found out another thing, but I can't really explain it, but I don't think it's a good thing. If I saw it in a woman I would say it's a  

I noticed I'm too easy giving personal information to other people: sharing emotions, asking advice, telling things about my divorce. Today I did that with somebody I know for a few years, but only on a very basic level. I do like this person, for as far as I can judge, but looking back, it seems odd that I gave that much information to somebody that isn't real close.

Looking back further I did that to others too.

What do you think of this?

[Grey Kitty]

I dunno... . but I think I can relate.

I find myself either opening the floodgates with somebody and feeling like I can tell them anything ('Tho not all at one time!) or being more reserved and not sharing my feelings or (many) important details in my life with them. I don't know where the middle ground is for me.

And what is weird is that I really don't know why I "flip" or why I tell some people so early and never open up to people who've been in my life nearly forever.

[123Phoebe]

I find it interesting that your score is highest in Paranoid and Avoidant, and you're concerned about being too open and see it as a

[VeryFree]

Yes Phoebe, that's exactly why I'm asking this question.

I think the scores are quite correct. Normally I would be very avoidant. Before splitting up with my x, I wouldn't have behaved like I do these days. But now I do. A total different approach, which I don't understand.

It's like Grey Kitty describes: it seems there no middle-ground between those two extremes.

[123Phoebe]

Could it be that the paranoid tendency is still with you some?  Only now it's aimed at this new found openness?

I don't really see anything you're doing as being a .  Women (in general) have been outwardly expressing their emotions, sharing details of themselves, since the beginning of time and it doesn't make them all PD, as far as I'm concerned.  And believe me, women share A LOT of information.

I don't think chemistry can be discounted; there are some people I simply feel more connected to than others, regardless of how long I've known them etc... .

Is there a chance that you're becoming aware of 'vulnerability', and it's making you feel um... . vulnerable?  And your go-to place is Avoidance of this sort of thing, so this feels like a huge extreme from where you were before?

First about me, how I was untill half a year ago (before the break up):

quiet, lonely, self-problem-solving, critical about myself, not sharing emotions, insecure, difficulties to trust other people, don't wanna lose control over myself.

Maybe you are actually in the middle-ground

Quiet-- A little more talkative

Self-problem-solving-- Inviting others to help in the problem solving

Critical about yourself-- sounds like it's still there

Not sharing emotions-- Sharing more emotions

Insecure-- sounds like it's still there

Difficulties to trust other people-- Becomes easier when we're able to trust in ourselves

Don't wanna lose control of yourself-- Uncomfortable with vulnerability?

I don't know, just throwing things out there... . It's just that what you're describing doesn't sound worthy of a .  It sounds more like opening up to the world around you, rather than being closed off.  Giving people a chance to connect with you on a different level.  Giving yourself the chance to reveal who you really are through a different perspective... . ?

[VeryFree]

Hi Phoebe,

Good insights! You almost say the same as my T, that I spoke earlier today.

His view in short:

I've been rather closed all my life. My marriage didn't do that any good, probably made it even more difficult to open up.

Because of the splitting up I started to think about my life, before and during my marriage and learned a lot about myself. I really want to change things about myself and probably have started that without really knowing that.

My T told me, that in fact this is due to two factors:

1. My age: I'm around 40, and thus have seen a lot, know one or two things, but still have a way to go. Changes are often made in this period (midlife).

2. Heavy emotions: due to the pain I've felt, somehow it's easier to let loose some old behaviors.

His advice: go with the flow. Trust your instincts. If you feel like opening up, open up. If you want to trust people, trust them. A lot of thrustworthy people out there!

Feeling rather good after that talk and feeling even better reading your answer   

I guess you're right about feeling vulnerable. I'm not used to that, but strangely enough it isn't a bad feeling. I'm going to try to be more conscious about these things from now on.

Thanks for thinking along 

[MaybeSo]

It sounds like you have a good frame on this already.

I can share from my work that I saw my tendency to over share (sometimes) as about my struggle with boundaries.

I kind of had to make offerings of myself growing up that were uncomfortable, but it facilitated moments of safety/connection, mostly with important caretakers, so i will sometimes share a lot as sort of an offering, even if I can feel a discomfort or tension that I read as an instinct to stop it. I override the gut feeling, cause I am use to it, and it's sort of a risk that I grew comfortable taking. The fear is that if I stay as quiet as I naturally feel is good for the level I am at (don't know this person that well, they may not be trustworthy) that I might bore them, disappoint them, and/or lose their interest in me. (basically I got love as a kid by having poor boundaries, and I had caregivers who were inappropriate and emotionally invasive). So, I try to be aware of this tendency so that any personal sharing I do is more conscious, and not just my instinct from childhood running the

show. I tend to do this with people with strong narcisstic traits, especially, I will instinctually (from childhood)  want to accommodate them by making some kind of offering. When i sense that im in that place, my goal is to be quiet ( the drive to offer something is very strong) and

try to stay grounded as possible.  I am especially working on taking better care of myself when I

feel this pull.

[VeryFree]

Thanks for your contribution MaybeSo.

Trying to be more aware of our behaviour is a difficult quest I guess, but well worth it. Learning to move within your own boundaries, untill it's a second nature.

[seeking balance]

good job on looking at yourself VeryScared... . most folks don't get this far.

The thing is, we live in a different world - Dr. Phil's latest book (yes, I cannot believe I just brought up Dr. Phil either) actually talks about our changing world and how there are people out there that are users.  His term is BAITERS.

As such, sharing too much info without having enough info from someone to know if they are trustworthy can be dangerous to your emotional healthy.  It isn't paranoid - it is a fact of life these days.

That said, it is a boundary issue as you mentioned.  If you share and someone uses it against your or to manipulate you (you know that gut feeling when it happens), how you respond is key.  Do you try to talk to them or do you put up some walls and pay attention to what they do next.  Not being afraid to back away from people who are not trustworthy is important.  Many of us wrongly think because we did share this information that an inherent trust was established.  Trust is established not from the information, but how we are treated after the reveal.  Actions, not words are key.

Good topic!

[VeryFree]

Hi SeekingBalance.

Nice contribution. I guess the keysentence in your post for me is "not being afraid". And that in the broadest sense.

- Not being afraid to trust.

- Not being afraid to share.

- Not being afraid to back away from people.

- Not being afraid of what can happen.

- Not being afraid reacting on what will happen.

- And so on.

Just live and make the best of it!

[VeryFree]

Reading back this topic after almost two weeks.

Interesting how a person can decide he wants to try to change, but doesn't manage it. Simply because his daily routine takes over.

The past weeks were partly good for me: had to do a lot of divorce-preparation and because of that felt bad. But on the sideline I had a good time because of some interesting contacts. Although I think I opened up a little with those contacts, it wasn't on purpose.

I'm going to try to be more aware the coming period. Trust my instincts.