What is this email about?

[clover528]

So, I havent heard for my BPDex in , I dont know, a few days. Since my post about his threats and blame and then saying to never contact him again. I got two emails from him this afternoon.

He was very poetic. He always had a way with words. He is artistic and it shows when he writes. It was difficult to read.

He basically wanted to tell me how wonderful we were and "could be" but  I traded our love for things. He has said I am looking for a job and want a new car and clothes and house etc, because I am filling my life with things to replace the void left because i turned my back on love. His love for me was greater than any and I am throwing it away. I am not filling my life with things. I am trying to survive. But his words stung and hurt deep. He said I had a void inside that will be left empty. A void he filled and will only ever be able to fill. That my hands and heart will be empty from now on and I will long for him and look for him in crowds or anywhere I go. That I will always long for the sound of his voice, laughter and everything about him. That my every success will be hollow because i wont have him to share it with.There is truth in some of his words. When i miss him, Its all those things he mentioned that i long for. Im so upset by these emails. I havent replied. I just do not want to feel this way. Whats worse is he wrote all these things while I know he is with his girlfriend. I am just wondering if I should reply, ignore, be nice, say kiss my rear? I am so hurt right now. I need advice.

[mango_flower]

I remember these sorts of emails well... . just a word of caution - I took these as a sign she missed me and would come back.  I begged her (at this point I didn't realise the true extent of her problems).  She almost "switched off" when I confirmed I still missed and loved her, and got in even deeper with her new gf

Your BPD ex seems to have some narcissistic traits.

One of the best bits of advice that I ever received here was from one of the mods (possibly Green Mango?) that I should look at the email I receieved - and nowhere in it was any attempt to solve problems, just to blame.  Seems your ex was doing some self-soothing by writing that, making himself feel better.

In my opinion, I'd ignore it.  He'll only go black to attacking you for responding. x

[winston72]

A wise post, MangoFlower.

I have a quick reaction that is less influenced by my understanding of BPD:  What the heck is wrong with this guy?  He sends you that email while he is away with his girlfriend?  Yikes!  Run for the hills!

Okay, now back to being a sober observer of all things BPD.

No, never mind... . Clover, you seem to be such a tender, sweet person.  This guy is a jerk and he is repetitively hurting you.  You do not deserve this treatment.  Run for your life!  This guy really upsets me.

And, after all this, mango-flower is spot on.  The email is so self-involved and aggressive, intending only to harm and denigrate... . and he is with his new girlfriend!  Bizarre.  And he said to never contact him again!  BPD or not, this is a bad dude.

Please protect yourself.  I vote for you not to reply.

[winston72]

Just read some of your older posts.  This guy is a bit scary.  In the context of his prior communication with you, I read his most recent email to be malicious.  I reiterate my vote to not reply.

[Suzn]

A void he filled and will only ever be able to fill. That my hands and heart will be empty from now on and I will long for him and look for him in crowds or anywhere I go. That I will always long for the sound of his voice, laughter and everything about him. That my every success will be hollow because i wont have him to share it with.

Do you believe this clover? These are temporary feelings after a break up. I would be cautious of someone using words such as ever, always and forever more... . Feelings change, the thought that feelings can't change over time is very black and white. You don't have to believe his words, that's a choice you get to make.

[clover528]

Mango flower Thank you for the words of advice. I did read it again and again. It stings to read. Because there is truth in it about my feelings for him and my thinking he holds the key to my heart.

THAT SAID... . I had a psychiatrist push my buttons once some years ago. (no this isnt my first go at therapy) The doctor was trying to get me to defend myself. stand up for myself. I wrote him a lengthy letter and read it in our next session. I thought it was scathing. He said that the letter I wrote , (I thought was putting him in his place,) said as much about me as it did him. I re read the email with "those "eyes. I saw a lot of blame and "I am wonderful" stuff. He is narcissistic. He is very much about his appearance. Etc. so I understand he was trying to stroke his own ego too. Thank you for helping me see that as well.

Winston, thank you for the kind words. He is a very mean person in my opinion. He does know me well. I willingly gave him all i had to give. Held nothing back believing he was my best friend. He knows my heart. He is using that to cause a much pain as possible. It is working. I am trying to run. I truly am. Yes She is with him. He is trying to get a rise out of me. something to give him reason to rage at me. He saves the drama for me while being charming to her. Its a pattern i began to see when I was living with him. the difference being, i got the charm and his x wife I am sure got the rage.

I am going to attempt to ignore and not reply. I want to defend my feelings and remind him how cruel he has been to me. I remind myself often of how I found out he cheated the first time.  It was early in my pregnancy,  i had left for a few weeks after him raging etc. I found out I was sick and had to see the doctor. Yes you guessed it. I had an std. treatable but none the less dangerous during pregnancy and the medication to treat it was not so safe either. i confronted him and he denied denied denied. Then when I persisted he coldly said... . "B***** Her name iPLEASE READ__!" I was devastated.

The list is longer than that, of all the cruel things he has said and done. I am still shocked that I would ever allow him back into my life after that betrayal. but i did. He had me convinced if I hadnt left he would never have done it blah blah... . And so goes the story.

I do know a reply will only give him an opportunity to rage again. I am in no shape to handle it. I will ignore and move forward.

Thank you again for replying and giving me a wake up call. Reality is that he is very ill. He isnt who he claimed to be in the beginning. He is what i have dealt with for the last couple years.

[clover528]

I dont bellieve that feelings do not change. I am very  aware that what I am going through is the pain of losing something i believed was a loving committed relationship. That i had hopes and dreams tied to that relationship. This is my grief and it is a process. I also realize that my bond to him is very deeply rooted in my own issues. I am really working on detaching from him. I really did become enmeshed in his life and put my own health and happiness to the side for a long time. I see truth in his words from the staNPDoint that while ruminating about the good, that is what i miss. I do know however that he is more than the vulnerable seducer that chased me for years then swept me off my feet. He is the same person who proceeded to build me up and drop me on my head more times than i should ever have allowed.

So I guess the answer is no. I dont believe those words. They hurt now, but they will fade with time.

[winston72]

Your thinking seems quite clear and your path forward seems pretty straight.  The heartache and grief from the lost relationship is deep and real... . everyone is likely driven to this site by some sort of scorching pain.  And, your own emotional growth will take place at its own appropriate pace.  But, heavens, remove yourself from this person.  He behavior toward you is appalling.  The story you recount below is truly awful.  I am not sure there is much truth to be found in his words or his views about you.  The truth is to be discovered within you.

You have better days... . much, much, much better days ahead of you.

[SomebodyThatIUsedtoKnow]

It's a trap.  He wants you to respond and confirm that this is how you are feeling to stroke his ego.  Even if every single word is true, do not respond and do not admit it.  Once you do, he's got you back in the palm of his hand. 

[GlennT]

He's projecting. Deep down somewhere in his hollow moral core, he knows, that even though he is with another poor victim, that HE will be the one always left with a void, and empty, no one will never be able to fill. These are the BPD's core wounds that try splitting us open, like a beautiful butterfly impaled with pins in their book, they can open and close with a total disconcerting air of superiority. Their sick narcissistic psycho fantasy of  perfect and divine love, always giving ego supply, forgiving, pining, desiring, waiting for even a crumb,, just like they treated us during the idealization phase, which was really all about loving themselves before they became wounded long ago. He's coming at you from a deep dark place of inferiority and shame, or there would'nt even be a need to write that egotistical and cruel email.  

[bpdspell]

He's projecting. Deep down somewhere in his hollow moral core, he knows, that even though he is with another poor victim, that HE will be the one always left with a void, and empty, no one will never be able to fill. These are the BPD's core wounds that try splitting us open, like a beautiful butterfly impaled with pins in their book, they can open and close with a total disconcerting air of superiority. Their sick narcissistic psycho fantasy of  perfect and divine love, always giving ego supply, forgiving, pining, desiring, waiting for even a crumb,, just like they treated us during the idealization phase, which was really all about loving themselves before they became wounded long ago. He's coming at you from a deep dark place of inferiority and shame, or there would'nt even be a need to write that egotistical and cruel email.  

Spot on!  

[eniale]

Clover,

As far as his corresponding with you while he is with his girlfriend, I had the same experience.  It is a pattern with my ex.  If you contact him at all, I would suggest the following:

"It is my guess that---------(fill in girlfriend's name, if you know it, if not just say "your girlfriend" does not know you are emailing me (or calling, or whatever.)  This is a game I do not care to play.  I wish you well."

Then maintain NC.  That way you put him on notice that he is game playing both of you at the same time.  Again, it took me a while until I realized my ex had done this by contacting me in the beginning while he was still with his old girlfriend.  And he did it to me while with his new girlfriend, although I did not realize it until I found out about the girlfriend.  Very unhealthy behavior.  If you contact him at all, I would suggest email as stated above.  Good luck.

[clover528]

To all who replied,

I have not and will not reply at this time. I checked my email and got yet another simple message... . " I hope you live forever and I hope you never forget."

My stomach was churning as I opened the page to my account and saw there was a message. I feel sick. i knew it wouldnt be simple. I knew this was coming.

I do feel that it is a trap. I too believe he is searching for some way to hook me. I know it is about his needs being met at any cost not mine. It is very much a projection of how he feels inside. Of that I am sure.

The original email was quite long and detailed. Very specific descriptions laced together . I only gave a generalized view of it. It is heartbreaking. I know we had a bond with one another. It is a very unhealthy one.

I want so much for him to seek some counseling and intense therapy. I have seen his pain up close and he is such a lost little boy deep down. I know though that he is very aware of his problems. He has moments of clarity where he will admit his faults and own up to his darker side. Then he flips and he is back to being mister perfect with the world out to get him.

I know he is predictably unpredictable. If that makes sense. He is very dangerous and self destructive. Moreso now than ever. It is chilling when he turns like this. The vulnerable man, I held so often as he cried in my arms  begging for help to him raging and throwing furniture across rooms or setting things on fire, I have seen it all. It breaks my heart.

I have so much healing to do. I have so much to learn. I feel horrible abandoning him. I know I have to take care of myself now. He will only get help if he chooses to. There are no indications that he desires true change for himself or his children.

What I have learned is I can only help myself and in turn teach and be a good example for my children. I have to be healthy and whole so I may teach them and raise ( i know "rear" is the appropriate word but where i am from it is "raise" them to be healthy happy and whole individuals. That is the goal. As much as this hurts, I know it will get better as I in turn grow and heal. I only wish he would have a break through moment and seek some help. His poor children really break my heart. They are so put upon.

[Suzn]

clover this happened to me too. I felt the same way you do right now. I struggled with the thoughts of my ex's children too, it was a hook for me worrying about them. What I found out later, my ex recycled many, many who later came and found me to ask me questions, (We have a very extended friend circle, meaning we have both frequented the same places for years.) was that my ex would show people my responses to her and not show that she contacted me first. So, people believed that I was trying to harass her, which is what she told them. My point is, be careful what you are led to believe. You have no way of knowing if he is doing the same to you as my ex did to me, however, you don't know that he's not either. 

[clover528]

Suzn

I do believe he is telling people different things about me. We dont share many friends as we only lived together for about 6 months. We only really went places with his friends. The one I do know has kept contact with me and is no longer speaking to him. He has burnt many bridges do to his illness.  I am trying to go NC again. He started calling this morning. I didnt answer. It was from his family's home. I have not received any messages since last night. I have saved much of the correspondence should this escalate. I am trying to be prepared for anything. All the resources here have been so helpful. thank you for the advice.

[babyducks]

Clover,

Kudos to you for working through this one and taking care of yourself   

I gave you two thumbs up because I really think you are doing an excellent job.

This has been a great thread and people have really contributed a lot of good stuff. 

Here is my two cents.  All the evidence points to you being healthy, reasonable, kind and rational.  In time you are going to be fine. 

Hang in there and be well.

babyducks

[clover528]

Thanks again babyducks.

It is a daily struggle for me to not reply or want to rescue or any number of other very unhealthy things. I just come here and read. Study my material from therapy. Write letters to him that I will never send. Journal my tough emotions when I can. Pray and pray and pray.

I am also reaching out to friends for distractions and support. I don't share much of this with them because I know it is hard to believe or  begin to understand. I simply let them know I am struggling personally and could use some girl time as it were. It is getting me through the days I don't want to get out of bed. I have to because I am meeting friends or going somewhere to meet them. Its tough but I know it will make me move in some direction. Moving is what I need right now.

Again I have to reiterate that this site is so helpful. I am grateful to have found it.   Huge cyber hugs to all here for the support advice and insight offered.

Update: He has called all morning. I haven't answered and won't. My stomach is not so good. I am trying to keep focused on day to day tasks and not worry. One moment at a time.

[clover528]

Things have gotten worse. He called nonstop today. then when i didnt answer, He texted. Said he was going to see me very soon. that I "effef" up by not responding. that he was going to try and take my D. He said he was going to "turn my world inside out". Then he emailed twice saying that a couple blocked phone calls would not stop him. He said " I am relentless". And called me darling. He then called and my boys father answered the called. A difffernt number. He wouldnt talk. then He called my cell, i answered. He said we had "unfinished business". That he would be seeing me soon. That we would work it out together or it would get worked out. That i owed him.  That I had used him and threw him away. I was to blame for his life being ruined. He then said my name and siad he will be seeing me soon. I am very upset to say the least. This mad man is coming for my child. He is only doing this to hurt me. he said i owe his family. He has never taken one interest in her unless he was trying to hurt me. I am in pieces and have been scrambling trying to plan all night. I am going to see the police in the morning to try to get a restraining order. i am also getting an attorney who is specialized in this area. I know i should probable post on the legal board, but i have been posting here and just needed to  get this out and let this serve as a lesson for someone else maybe. I am very grateful for the advice offered here and all the wonderful support given. God help me as i take this step. I am very very scared. I am completely painted black.

[FogLight]

This behavior from him is absurd and reveals just how disordered he really is.  Definitely go to the police, though he is obviously trying to scare you this shouldn't be taken lightly.  It sounds as though he is just full of anger and looking to dump it off on you and intimidate you to make himself feel in control for being ignored, much like an NPD I know.  In the meantime, stay strong and stick to NC as any communication is toxic to your emotional wellbeing.  If you can, I would suggest looking to friends for support.  I would also recommend not answering any calls from him for any reason, he won't be able to resist texting/emailing when he's feeling this angry and not in control, he'll feed himself a rope i.e. more records for the police.  Good luck, do what you have to do to protect yourself and let us know how it works out.  You're strong and you'll get through it.

[babyducks]

Clover,

Hang in there.   I am glad to hear that you are taking his latest behavior with the seriousness it deserves.  You are doing the right things.

You and your family are job one right now.   Going to every length to protect you and your family is hard, exhausting stuff to battle your way through.   It's the right thing to do.

Lean on the people who provide good solid support.

when you are able and comfortable let us know how you are doing please.

babyducks

[clover528]

thank you all for the support. He called again this morning. i chose to answer as he had said in emails that not answering provoked him and it is bad enough. He was blaming again. My boys father tried to speak to him and he began telling him I was calling him etc. He tried to say I was the problem and so on. It ended with him saying we would be in court but that he was moving on with his life. I have contacted an attorney and am in the process of a protective order.

His tone on the phone was VERY calm and cool and collected. He said we would talk now or he would come here and talk to me. (threat) That I needed to explain why i did this to him and used him. It ws a calm exchange just cold and very dark to me.

His family called me later to see if he had been in contact with me. I told them of the exchanges. They didnt even know he had talked to me last night. He was fine with them laughing and playing games as if nothing were happening.  He had even talked with them about his plans for working etc and what he and his new gf were going to be doing with his house. They had no idea he had called and that things had occurred this morning. Unbelieveable to me. They also told me he had said I had been stalking his new gf. I would follow her to and from work and home and to the store etc .They know he is lying. they told me not to be afraid but I cant help but to be.

I am moving forward with the protective order regardless. I am also going to take him to court concerning my D. I am not going to be afraid anymore that he will use her to control me. I have documented everything he has threatened. Photos he has sent. Messages containing threats. The suicide letter he wrote just a few days ago. Giving all the information to my attorney. I am so upset by it all. I feel horrible. I know this is what I have to do for my protection and the protection of my family.

thank you all for the information and support here. I know this will be difficult, but I also know I am not alone.