Made a Big Mistake

[Pretty Woman]

So I made a huge mistake.  I was dying to contact my ex and instead I contacted a friend of hers.  I asked if I could ask her something confidentially and she said:

No, absolutely not.  Do not contact me ever again. 

I am sure this went back to my ex. I am so mad at myself.  Now I'm worried my ex will file a restraining order. 

I have never been so down.  I am actually thinking of checking myself in somewhere for co dependency help.  I am a wreck.  It's been a month and only getting worse.  I hurt so badly that she left me like this for her ex.  I'm just not myself anymore. 

[motherof1yearold]

This was probably a result of the smear campaign your ex has more than likely started.

Don't be down on yourself, take it as a lesson learned.

[winston72]

Hey Earth Angel,

I am so sorry that you are hurting!  My heart aches to read of your pain.  

With the caveat that I am not current with the details of your situation, it seems like you have not done anything to necessitate legal action.  Making a request of a friend and then respecting their choice to deny the request is pretty normal behavior!  It is certainly nothing to be ashamed of or to "beat yourself up" over.  

Please be kind to yourself.  The pain from the loss of the relationship and the betrayal is huge.  Your pain from this phone call episode seems to be a bit out of proportion to the event itself.  I say that as encouragement.  

I am in therapy myself at the moment.  It has been a tremendous help.  I am quite prone to disproportional self criticism, so professional help has been good for me.

All the best to you... .

[Pretty Woman]

Thank you for the responses.   

I have never been through this before. I decided to go shopping tonight and try to get my mind off things.  I feel a lot better.  I was thinking.  In a normal relationship when it ends people are not this immature and childish.  I finally feel like I do not need proof or validation from other people this chick is BPD.  The fact she smeared me to everyone is exactly what she did to her last ex.  I need to stop taking this personal.  I am not friends with all her friends (she has only one friend in Illinois and her sister). 

I run a meetup group and this weekend I've had so many invites to do things.  I have a lot of people to keep me busy and things to do.  As sad as I am now I know I will eventually be alright. 

[huhhuh]

I think you are a little harsh on yourself calling it a big mistake. And like you say yourself, the breakup of a BPD/narc relationship is very immature and very childish. And I think it is a normal reaction from you, when you try to reach out to the other people involved in her life.

So remember that it wasn't a healthy breakup and that your reaction is caused by the unhealthy breakup. It is a hard time to go through.