It's just so hard

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I don't want to be sad any longer.  Last week my BPD was telling me she loved me and wanted to be with me.  She said she was scared to tell her family we were trying to work it out since we have fought so much over the course of 4 years.  She said she was going to tell her new bf that she didn't love him -it was only fair to him.  She wanted to be with me.  But then she got angry over a picture a friend posted on FB with me in it.  Broke all ties with me and painted me black.  Yesterday I went on FB and there she is in a picture with her new bf with his arm around her.  It broke my heart and here I sit once again heart broken and sad.  I hate it.  I hate how I am the one struggling to get through the day and my emotions are all over the place.  While she is happy go lucky-did she tell her new bf she is a lesbian?  I don't understand it.  I am working so hard to break my addiction to her and it is the hardest most painful thng I have ever done.  I just want to get over it.  There are days I do great and others I just crash and burn.  I hate what she has done to me.  I hate that I allowed her to do this to me.

[willtimeheal]

I don't want to be sad any longer.  Last week my BPD was telling me she loved me and wanted to be with me.  She said she was scared to tell her family we were trying to work it out since we have fought so much over the course of 4 years.  She said she was going to tell her new bf that she didn't love him -it was only fair to him.  She wanted to be with me.  But then she got angry over a picture a friend posted on FB with me in it.  Broke all ties with me and painted me black.  Yesterday I went on FB and there she is in a picture with her new bf with his arm around her.  It broke my heart and here I sit once again heart broken and sad.  I hate it.  I hate how I am the one struggling to get through the day and my emotions are all over the place.  While she is happy go lucky-did she tell her new bf she is a lesbian?  I don't understand it.  I am working so hard to break my addiction to her and it is the hardest most painful thng I have ever done.  I just want to get over it.  There are days I do great and others I just crash and burn.  I hate what she has done to me.  I hate that I allowed her to do this to me.

[MarcinN7]

I don't want to be sad any longer.  Last week my BPD was telling me she loved me and wanted to be with me.  She said she was scared to tell her family we were trying to work it out since we have fought so much over the course of 4 years.  She said she was going to tell her new bf that she didn't love him -it was only fair to him.  She wanted to be with me.  But then she got angry over a picture a friend posted on FB with me in it.  Broke all ties with me and painted me black.  Yesterday I went on FB and there she is in a picture with her new bf with his arm around her.  It broke my heart and here I sit once again heart broken and sad.  I hate it.  I hate how I am the one struggling to get through the day and my emotions are all over the place.  While she is happy go lucky-did she tell her new bf she is a lesbian?  I don't understand it.  I am working so hard to break my addiction to her and it is the hardest most painful thng I have ever done.  I just want to get over it.  There are days I do great and others I just crash and burn.  I hate what she has done to me.  I hate that I allowed her to do this to me.

It`s always about them, never about you or "us". They will never take any responsibility for their actions and they always bail when things get rough. You cannot count on them to support you when you have a hard time.

You would have more emotional connection and more of a meaningfull relationship with a dog.

[seeking balance]

I don't want to be sad any longer. 

Sadness has its place - right now, that is the proper emotion when you are heartbroken.  The way to heal is to be kind to yourself right now.  Treat you like you would treat a friend who is sad.

Last week my BPD was telling me she loved me and wanted to be with me.  She said she was scared to tell her family we were trying to work it out since we have fought so much over the course of 4 years.  She said she was going to tell her new bf that she didn't love him -it was only fair to him.  She wanted to be with me. 

pwBPD have very intense emotions that can rule their actions.  She likely believed what she was telling you at the time, but when she got back with him, he was her focus again.

As much as this is hard, you have to realize you are on this site because you believe she has BPD.  As such, acceptance of this push/pull dynamic and realize the only thing you can control is you and your boundaries with this person.  If her words hurt you, it is up to you to change the dynamics so you don't have to hear those words.

It is going to hurt in the beginning (think of it like training for a marathon - it really really hurts when you first start running) but with time, consistency and practice with putting you first - it will get easier.  It really will.

But then she got angry over a picture a friend posted on FB with me in it.  Broke all ties with me and painted me black. 

Chicken and the egg - you are assuming she got angry from a pic, she may have had any trigger that made her angry.  Keep in mind, one of the core components is fear of abandonment - real or perceived.

The truth, you have no idea what really triggered her, she likely doesn't either - this is a staple of who she is in life now.  Is this a behavior that you want around you consistently?

Yesterday I went on FB and there she is in a picture with her new bf with his arm around her.  It broke my heart and here I sit once again heart broken and sad.  I hate it.  I hate how I am the one struggling to get through the day and my emotions are all over the place. 

It is hard, watching someone we are still in love with be with another sucks.  I had to stop looking of FB so I would stop hurting myself.  A lot of folks here get to that point not because it is easy, but because the pain of rubbing salt in a very raw wound gets to be too much.

While she is happy go lucky-did she tell her new bf she is a lesbian?  I don't understand it. 

Well, part of the BPD diagnosis is an unstable sense of self.  So, she likely is not a lesbian in her mind - she has a fluid sense of self depending upon who she is mirroring.  I know it is hard to understand especially when you take the time & understand to come out and accept your own sexuality.  Just realize it is not uncommon with a BPD diagnosis.

I am working so hard to break my addiction to her and it is the hardest most painful thng I have ever done.  I just want to get over it.  There are days I do great and others I just crash and burn.  I hate what she has done to me.  I hate that I allowed her to do this to me.

Anger is a good motivator to setting boundaries - use it right now.  So, it has been a week from a very, very hard addiction.  For me, accepting the first 6 months was going to be hard helped.  Not every day is horrible, but moments every day hit me hard... . just let it work through.

Act "as if" - meaning do the things you likely don't want to do right now. ... . the things that healthy people do.  Eat healthy, exercise, go to therapy, read about BPD if you still need to understand so you can accept it, be around healthy people - be your own best friend right now.

Hang in there - it will get better.

Peace,

SB

[simplyasiam]

seeking balnce... . what you said bout the dog is very true as i see it any how.

my exBPDgf was very close to out two house dogs druing her times of  depression. she left them behind 2 months ago when she left.

she come back to see the dog a few time when i ws at work. she ask me to let her have them one time.

anyhow i find myself close to the dogs now they want see me after work dont blame me dont cheat on me

the dogs have proved to be much better friends the the person with BPD was and i think now could have ever been

if only they could talk

[willtimeheal]

I feel like BPD has consumed so much of my time.  And that really bothers me!  I don't have it so why is it destroying me!  That is the part that is killing me!  I have spent so much time on this board, reading about it, and talking about it in therapy.  I don't have it!  So why is it taking up so much of my life!  Why is her illness eating away at me and not her.  She doesn't seem fazed by it and that bothers me.  I can't eat or sleep.  My head hurts and all I do is cry and miss her.  Its not fair!

[willtimeheal]

It is taking so much self control not to text my ex BPD. I want to text  her so badly but I know I can't. I know if I do it will just set me back more steps in my recovery. What hurts the most is tomorrow is her son's birthday. He was always my boy too. We had a special bond and knowing I am missing out on that hurts even more. And knowing her new bf will be there in my place hurts  more than words can describe. Especially since I know she does not love him. Not the way she loves me or at least that is what she told me. I just miss my family so much. I miss my kids. Even though they are not mine biologically we were a family and I miss that so much. She just stripped me of all of that. I want it back but I know how dangerous it is and harmful it is to me. I must be crazy to wan  it so badly and to miss it so badly.

[Clearmind]

WillTimeHeal, you are in very good company because we all understand completely what this stage of your grieving feels like. Seeking balance has been there and so have I – many senior members here have walked in your shoes - we and others have come out the other side stronger and you will too – we are all here to support you. I have seen many members at this stage you are at WillTimeHeal and so excited to see their journey to strength by posting here.

Firstly it’s great you are posting about your feelings – it will help you. It’s so tempting to dismiss them and I will be completely honest here - I masked my pain with alcohol for a good period of time – until I realized it was not helping and I had to face the pain I was feeling – its then that I really started to see the light.

When I first arrived at bpdfamily, a senior member posted the 5 stages of abandonment – they could not have been truer - I did feel abandoned – especially Stage 1: Shattering (I cannot recommend Susan Andersens book highly enough). It helped me understand that what I was feeling, in the aftermath of a r/s with a Borderline was completely normal.

It’s completely natural to feel sad when we leave a r/s, especially where kids are involved. It’s unfortunate that the Borderline will repeat patterns WillTimeHeal – none of it is your fault.

A Borderline’s truth is somewhat contradictory and will switch – often facts are distorted to fit the emotions – this is very confusing to us. Right now your head and heart are at odds – they will align and your truth will very clear as you move the stages of grief.  Its very common to self blame at this stage.

Its really important at this time to take care of you, do some nice things for yourself, find some ways to self soothe (hot showers, fluffy sweater, candles, cry, exercise, walk in nature, ocean), one on one time with friends you trust.

Have you considered seeing a therapist to process your grief?

Are you seeing friends/family etc – creating new memories for yourself?

Can you equate with Stage 1, below WillTimeHeal?

Time really will heal! Be kind to you.

hit

Here are the five stages of abandonment: Shattering, Withdrawal, Internalizing, Anger, and Lifting – introduced in the book JOURNEY FROM ABANDONMENT TO HEALING – SUSAN ANDERSEN... .

1: SHATTERING - Your relationship is breaking apart. Your hopes and dreams are Shattered. You are devastated, bewildered. You succumb to despair and panic. You feel hopeless and have Suicidal feelings. You feel Symbiotically attached to your lost love, mortally wounded, as if you’ll die without them. You are in Severe pain, Shock, Sorrow. You’ve been Severed from your primary attachment. You’re cut off from your emotional life-line.

2: WITHDRAWL – painful Withdrawal from your lost love. The more time goes on, the more all of the needs your partner was meeting begin to impinge into your every Waking moment. You are in Writhing pain from being torn apart. You yearn, ache, and Wait for them to return. Love-withdrawal is just like Heroin Withdrawal – - each involves the body’s opiate system and the same physical symptoms of intense craving. During Withdrawal, you are feeling the Wrenching pain of love-loss and separation – - the Wasting, Weight loss, Wakefulness, Wishful thinking, and Waiting for them to return. You crave a love-fix to put you out of the WITHDRAWAL symptoms.

3: INTERNALIZING – you Internalize the rejection and cause Injury to your self esteem. This is the most critical stage of the cycle when your wound becomes susceptible to Infection and can create permanent scarring. You are Isolated, riddled with Insecurity, self- Indictment and self-doubt. You are preoccupied with ‘If only regrets’ – - If only you had been more attentive, more sensitive, less demanding, etc. You beat yourself up with regrets over the relationship and Idealize your abandoner at the expense of your own self Image.

4: ANGER – the turning point in the grief process when you begin to fight back. You attempt to Reverse the Rejection by Refusing to accept all of the blame for the failed relationship, and feel surges of anger against your abandoner. You Rail against the pain and isolation you’ve been in. Agitated depression and spurts of anger displaced on your friends and family are common during this turbulent time, as are Revenge and Retaliation fantasies toward your abandoner.

5: LIFTING – your anger helped to externalize your pain. Gradually, as your energy spurts outward, it Lifts you back into Life. You begin to Let go. Life distracts you and gradually Lifts you out the grief cycle. You feel the emergence of strength, wiser for the painful Lessons you’ve Learned. And if you’re engaged in the process of recovery, you get ready to Love again.