He raged, I raged...

[martillo]

Title says it all... . UBPDh started this morning.  I did have a light bulb moment that apparently H has an annual July rage (in addition to the annual holiday season 6 week rage) - he had a rage at this exact same time the last 2 years (and probably other years - that's as far back as I can recollect right now).  He pushed and pushed and I was thoughtful and didn't JADE - at first.  But I couldn't use my go to response which is to leave when he is like that because he invited a houseful of people over for a going-away party tonight for a friend in the military.  I was trying to clean up the house. He stayed on me and started in on the kids and finally got the response he wanted - I threw a dustpan full of dirt on him as he was walking away - and then the real rage was on - for both of us.  It was not pretty.  I have apologized to the kids (who were witness to the lovely raging event) and to my H (he didn't accept the apology because I am useless, worthless, a wh*re, ___, only married to him for money, haven't contributed a thing to anything ever, am dumber than a box of rocks... . you get the jist)  Guess I should have just walked out when he started first thing this morning (I did try to stay out of the rooms he was in - he would follow me or yell ugly comments from where ever he was)and not worried about cleaning the bathrooms... .

I think this is the second such incident that I have posted about me losing it within the past 3 months.  This post is pretty much just a vent, but I really need to evaluate our situation.  I feel like I do that everyday already though... . I am tired of having to think so much just to be in relationship w my H.

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[united for now]

The fact that you "lost it" indicates you  are beyond frustrated.

It also says that you aren't taking care of your needs.

You made "choices" today that contributed to this

~ you didn't take a time out

~ you didn't focus on your needs

~ you reacted instead of responded

~ you became physical with him (setting a precedent that throwing things at someone is acceptable)

The tipping point was due to your putting aside your own needs. If things are gonna change then you have to stop putting your needs last.

How are you going to handle the remainder of today?

[martillo]

UFN - thank you for your response - I had to really put lots of thought into what you wrote and spend some time absorbing my mistakes. So... . long response... .

The fact that you "lost it" indicates you  are beyond frustrated.

It also says that you aren't taking care of your needs.

You made "choices" today that contributed to this

~ you didn't take a time out

~ you didn't focus on your needs

~ you reacted instead of responded

~ you became physical with him (setting a precedent that throwing things at someone is acceptable)

The tipping point was due to your putting aside your own needs. If things are gonna change then you have to stop putting your needs last.

How are you going to handle the remainder of today?

Frustrated – yes!

Taking care of my needs - ?  I thought I was but I missed my Alanon meeting this week due to taking Monday off to take kiddos to coast for a day of fun in the sun at the beach (w/o H as he hates the beach) – had a blast and would have loved to stay longer. 

I also took the kiddos and met friends in the park (H hates the park because of "all those people" for swimming, burgers and dogs and fireworks on the 4th because H had overcommitted us and had a melt-down and chose to stay home and pout because I wouldn’t “choose” who to spend the day with since I didn’t know who he had told what to (therefore he can blame me for not being at 5 different locations at the same time).  Again had such a nice time.

Choices:

Didn’t take a time out – tired of “running away” when H gets out of control and wants to dump his crap on me – yes, it is a boundary I normally use – “I will leave if you become verbally or physically abusive” (I had to put DV tools in place a long time ago).   We were also hosting 25 people for a get together later in the day, so I had things I needed to get done.  I really didn’t have time for his stuff.  He is also out of control and angry so much more frequently now – I don’t have time to wait it all out.  I did try to be out of the room where he was - I moved to the kitchen – he came in; I moved to the back bathroom – he followed me.  When he is like that he uses lots of personal space invasion / physical intimidation – he will stand in doorways so I have to squeeze past him and then accuse me of pushing him, etc.  I just took deep breaths and squeezed past anyway.

You didn’t focus on your needs – I was focused on my need to get things done and ready for our get together – not focused on his need (or him, in general) to pick a fight because he had overcommitted himself on the 4th and needed to “release” his frustration (since I didn’t end up staying home and rolling around with him in the mud of his personal pity party).

 

You reacted instead of responded – I did respond to his “fight starter” comment:  “do you think we could put this stuff away?” - almost JADE’d with “well, it is usually put away.  It got left out because … ” but instead took a deep breath and said “yes, I will put it away.”

I know – sounds like a simple question and answer, but it escalated from there.   How do you respond to “I really hate you”  (me:  “yes, I know you do”) “I wish I could just leave”  (me:  “if you want to leave, you are free to leave”)  “If I wouldn’t lose everything, I would be out of this marriage so fast.” (me:  “you won’t lose everything – a judge wouldn’t allow that to happen.”)  “Why don’t you just leave?”  (me:  “this is my home, too.  I have just as much right to be here as you.”)  “This is not your home – you haven’t done anything to deserve it.  You are worthless…you got fired from all your jobs…you don’t work now…you just get paid for doing nothing…” and on and on… for about an hour (while I was trying to clean and ignore him – not successfully.  I was just jading and reacting away) then:

You became physical with him – I have no excuse for this and I did apologize both to him (he did not accept) and our kids (kids said “wow, mom – we thought you were a passive-ist!).  Maybe I need to take up boxing as a way to release pent-up resentment and anger.  Running is great for endorphins and a meditative frame of mind, but maybe not quite enough for physical release!

How are you going to handle the remainder of today?  I briefly left the house and went to the office to take care of a quick work issue then returned home and finished cleaning the house, made hamburger patties, cut up lettuce, tomatoes, onions, set out the condiments and plates, welcomed our guests, visited with them, said farewell and good luck to our military friend who will be stationed out of state for a year, tucked the kids in bed and went to bed on the couch.  I was polite and civil to H, but didn’t seek his company or any explanation as to his behavior.

Did I do it all wrong? – most likely.  Like I said in my original post, I think July must be a time for an "annual rage" because I had seen the signs coming for at least a week and this will be the third July in a row (that I recall) that this has happened.  I have learned lots both here, in Alanon and through self-help books, but sometimes the craziness wins.  Score 1 for crazy this time…  Hopefully, next time I will get it right.

[Chosen]

martillo,

It's not easy when they are irritated, bordering on a rage, and we are annoyed, overworked and stressed out.  I think you already know what you could have done to improve the situation, so hopefully it will be better next time- you will handle it better.

I also think that the reason you "lost it" more than once in a short period is that you are just too stressed out.  And possibly a little bit resentful of all the things you have to do for him?

For me, when I sense that he is going down some emotional spiral, I tend to stay away a bit more and also my guard is up (not exactly "walking on eggshells", but just to be much more aware of the changes in his emotions).  I have noticed that whenever I drop that guard in this period, I will do something I regret... . and it will give him the perfect chance to rage at me.

[martillo]

I actually am doing less for H - but that doesn't mean my resentment is less I guess.  He hasn't really stepped up and filled in the gaps - still not taking care of his health, still drinking.  His increased anger may be due to feeling like he is losing his caretaker.  I have also stopped walking on eggshells as much and am becoming more willing to confront him on his stuff. 

He has always been super controlling and I think he recognizes he is losing some of that control w both me and the kids as they are getting older. 

I do need to be more mindful of both my emotions and his emotions.

He will most likely never stop raging, so it will continue to give me lots of opportunities to practice!

And I need to keep in mind that just because I am changing doesn't mean he is or that he likes it!

Work in progress... .

[george2]

Thanks for sharing.  It is always helpful to read and know that I am not alone in these experiences.  My dBPDW has frequent holiday meltdowns, and has for many years.  I love the holidays, and still struggle to this day with her holiday dysregulation (as has been going on for several days now since her 4th of July outburst).  Her rage is words, but will escalate to breaking things if I lose it and engage... . strategically breaking the "things" that mean most to me, and then blaming me later for loving "things" more than her.  She has been on quite a bender lately, which is why I am sitting here on the boards reading posts and trying to re-educate myself on this BPD that is such an unwelcome part of my daily existence.  Take care and stay strong.

[waverider]

Bottom line is you did not pull the leave fuse before you short circuited.

Unfortunately at times when you feel trapped there because of circumstances, in a car, guests coming over etc. is a time when they know you cant pull your boundary response and you feel even more angry because you feel you cant.

Problem is this then reinforces your inability to stand firm, so it may happen again until such time you do pull that fuse regardless of consequences.

It is a very hard call, but I would suggest you do put a plan in place for these extreme cases, as trying to compromise on the spot will lead to exactly what happened.

If you manage to come up with something please free to share as we all end up in this position sooner or later 

[united for now]

Stress can lead us to behave in uncommon ways. Stress can build for a variety of reasons, though expecting a bunch of guests while having someone breathe down your neck criticizing, harassing the kids, and nit picking ranks high up there.

And none of us "do it right" all the time  

We are all human and we all goof up.

Learning to recognize the signs early enough and responding in healthy ways can often prevent a mild irritation from turning into WWIII. We won't always get it right, but it is important to recognize and reflect on what triggered us so that we can then defuse that hot spot and make different choices the next time a trigger is tripped. Being proactive instead of reactive. Analyze it to understand it. A mistake is only a mistake if we don't learn from it... .

I guess what I was responding to was the fact that you said this wasn't the first time you had lost it and this time you actually were mad enough that you dumped a dust pan full of dirt on him, which many would take as a display of retaliation and disrespect. Twice in two months shows that you are struggling with finding a way to let go of your frustrations. That they may be buried but they aren't gone. I would guess that resentment is also boiling inside of you. This is a toxic mess that is just waiting to blow, which it did - and will again.

Dealing with those emotions is going to take some soul searching on your part to decide; what can you do with them? how do you let them go? do you even want to let them go or are you too angry and resentful to find any peace?  Sometimes when you reach a certain stage it's difficult to recover. I always think of "The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse", and it sounds like you may be sliding into stage 3... . https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=138812.msg1351500#msg1351500


I'm not sure if this will help you at all, but I've been using this a lot lately and it has been bringing me more peace. reacting vs responding . I don't encourage kickboxing or venting, since research shows that those actually increase our feelings of unfairness and resentment towards the other person.

And trust me, you will get more chances "to practice"