I've forgiven. But I can't forget I feel my progress has stopped.

[snappafcw]

Heya Guys

Some of you might remember my posts but for those of you who don't just a very quick recap. I don't have to explain much my situation like most of you is textbook. My exBPDgf is the passive agressive type. We were friends (not overly close) for two years before we started dating and we had a whirlwind relationship for 6 months before it ended this last january. I was Idolized and then devalued and probably left for someone else. I didn't stalk i felt like the less i know the better even if the situation is obvious. i was very much in love and she told me the same and just like that out of nowhere she tore my heart into a million pieces... .

Anyway... .

As the months went on (the first 3 being unbearable) i finally accepted the situation for what it was and thanks to this community I guess it was the closure I needed and in my own mind forgave my ex. Last month she contacted me and I told her i forgave her and left it at that. She didn't apologize... . account for her actions... . nothing but rather tip toed around the situation and i felt it was best i didn't email her again... .

Now a month on I feel like im sliding backwards. Not in the sense I want my ex back. I don't! But although i have forgiven her my mind processes over and over the pain she put me through. And its effecting my ability to meet someone new or even give another female a chance... . I suppose it doesn't help that I work in the nightclub industry the women I meet are not very trustworthy anyway... . I guess I could just use some advice on how to take my final step forward. I don't understand why im still so focused on what i went through and all the pain but its still often in my thoughts and its exhausting. Thanks as always guys... .

[willtimeheal]

Just know that you are strong and deserve great things. I am still dealing with my break up. She left me for someone else and I am devastated and heart broken. I applaud you on not stalking I can't get her out of my mind. I wish there was a magical potion that could make us forget and move forward. Just be kind to yourself and feel your feelings. I don't know what else to tell you. Everyone on here tell  me it takes time. My therapist told me that many people close themselves  off to love after being what we have been through. Go easy on yourself and you will ink  When the time is right and when you are ready.

[snappafcw]

Those are very kind words thank you I suppose remembering to be kind to ourselves is really important. Its just hard having all the love you invest in someone being thrown back in your face... . I just have those feelings of worthlessness still from time to time... . I need to tell myself over and over she is disordered don't take it personally and forgive her. And I do. I just feel broken still.

[Ahhhh431]

Those are very kind words thank you I suppose remembering to be kind to ourselves is really important. Its just hard having all the love you invest in someone being thrown back in your face... . I just have those feelings of worthlessness still from time to time... . I need to tell myself over and over she is disordered don't take it personally and forgive her. And I do. I just feel broken still.

I feel we can all relate to where you are at. You are not alone. Know that you are worth having someone invest in you as well. A healthy relationship will never work if someone is constantly making withdrawals without making deposits. I know in the beginning you were probably made to feel like a million bucks so you were able to give a lot out of the abundance of love you felt -- but once her true colors began to show her initial deposit began to become less valuable and wasn't as easy for her to withdraw from you as before... . The new person in her life is just easier to get what she wants -- I've come to terms that my ex didn't see our relationship as a honor or a privilege -- she saw it as a job. She did what she had to do to get the pay she desired (unconditional love, attention, etc). When she couldn't keep up the "work" to keep receiving her wages (note: the normal give and take that happens In a healthy relationship was seen as work) -- she moved on to someone else that she didn't have to "work" as hard for. I realized my ex was more in love with the feeling of being in love than love itself.

[willtimeheal]

snappafcw,

I am still dealing with the feelings of worthlessness.  I cry almost everyday and I wonder if I did everything I could.  I know I did but accepting that is really difficult.  I put everything I had into this relationship and loved her with everything I had and she just left me for someone else.  Someone she said she had no feelings for and that she didn't love.  That is what hurts the most.  How can she say in one breathe she doesn't want him and doesn't love him-that she loves me and wants a life with me but then just walk away.  And I know they don't think logically but it does not make this any easier or less painful.  I don't want to feel like this anymore.

[snappafcw]

I'm so sorry things are so tough willtimeheal. I guess we need to remember how they behave wont make any sense they are not well. I just think of all the things i Did for mine too... . The gifts, the money, always being their for her when she needed me and then she leaves and says some very cruel things before she leaves at that.

Looking at that I just wrote no normal human being would be so cold. I hope  you feel better soon and some nice person will make you forget in time.

[SockMonkey]

Snappafcw—

You are not alone in feeling like you make progress and then slide backwards.  I’ve been going through those motions for a year.  Like you, I ruminate from time to time over the pain—and wonder what I could have done differently to ensure a different outcome (being together).   I was not perfect in the relationship and I keep wishing that I had done a few things differently.  I just have to tell myself that if I had been in a mature relationship, he would have talked my mistakes out with me. 

Finding this community has shown me that breaking up from a BPD is unlike any other break-up.   Like ChrisRd says—these relationships are abusive and traumatic.   For me, that was the hardest to see.  In fact, I did not know my ex was a possible BPD (undiagnosed). I saw a therapist for a year who only wanted to focus on my issues.  After I pleaded with him to let me tell the story (two months ago), he was dumbfounded and said that in his 30 years of experience he would bet that my ex was BPD or high on borderline traits.  Now, it makes more sense.  Doesn’t hurt less.

I really like Ahhhh431’s words---withdrawing more than they deposit, seeing a relationship as an honor and privilege, etc. 

I have to believe it will get better for all of us as time marches on.  I just have to.  I don’t think I could process that the pain could get worse.

I’m out here cheering you on.  For I would never wish this anguish on anyone, ever.

[snappafcw]

Can't thank you all enough for your kind support. I would like to try therapy but it is a little tricky right now as I have to buy another car and it is hard to get around... . Definitely something i will think about sooner rather than later.

[ColoradoLady]

Now a month on I feel like im sliding backwards. Not in the sense I want my ex back. I don't! But although i have forgiven her my mind processes over and over the pain she put me through. And its effecting my ability to meet someone new or even give another female a chance... . I suppose it doesn't help that I work in the nightclub industry the women I meet are not very trustworthy anyway... . I guess I could just use some advice on how to take my final step forward. I don't understand why im still so focused on what i went through and all the pain but its still often in my thoughts and its exhausting. Thanks as always guys... .

Your post came at a perfect time for me. It's been 6 months since I've had any contact with my BPDbf, I thought I was finally "over the hump" and then, whamo... . I've been depressed and crying most of the day.  Jeesh, how is it possible to know that I can absolutely NEVER go back into the dysfunction and subject myself to the abuse, and yet have the feeling that I'm never going to be able to really let go? 

Oh well, I'll keep doing the doing... . taking one step at a time and coming back to this board for reminders and support from all of you wonderful people who know just what I'm going through.   

[mango_flower]

I'm right there with you - I can SEE this was for the best and I don't want her back, but I miss who I thought she was and I miss what I thought our future would be.

I think it's normal to slide backwards - but in the grand scheme of things, it's two big steps forward and just a little step back. It's exhausting though, I agree!

We WILL get there x

[ColoradoLady]

Your comment that "in the grand scheme of things, it's two big steps forward and just a little step back" is so true!  Thank you for that reminder! 

It is exhausting, but not as exhausting as when we were in the middle of the dysfunctional relationships.  I feel like I dodged a BIG bullet by not getting married to my BPDbf.   While I may have been grazed by that bullet, I have survived.   I'm so looking forward to the possibility of a future relationship that isn't filled with the drama and stress caused by a BPD person.  I'm also looking forward to the day when memories of the raging, the sarcasm, the passive aggressiveness, the circular arguments, etc., are very distant memories.  I know that day will come, but it does take time.