Sounds like this is perhaps normal and maybe part of the early stages of healing. Though it maybe unhealthy if it goes on too long.
i do the same . i know it dont get me any where she would never have done it anyway.
the little of reason she ever did give always changed and turn into being thing that were worng with me.
how long were you with her how many break ups?
I feel the same way... . It'll never happen and if it did it would be like any conversation in the past where any issue i was having or feeling some how was related "problems" with me.
5 years on/off. This was the 5th recycle.
I think we do it as a means of finding answers that really can not be received from or pwBPD. I do it sometimes too because in reality I was never able to finish a sentence much less an actual thought. I think as part of healing it might be best to change your train of thought or distract yourself from ruminating thoughts. We all need some distractions in order to rewire ourselves and begin to detach from our pwBPD. But the answer for me is, yes I do this sometimes too. Often out of frustration, just needing to be heard.
I agree that a big part of the issue detaching (for me atleast) is that there is much that always goes unsaid. Part of that was me, walking on eggshells during the r/s, thinking that if I didnt voice my feelings, it might help keep peace. Then after, the abrupt ending with no real conversation about what/why it was now over.
Dunno if it's healthy but I do it too sometimes. I imagine what I would like to say to my ex. But for the last few months I've been just keeping it to myself. Even tho he is being cordial and caring and such, I still have thoughts of things I'd like to say to him. But I figure it wouldn't do me any good right now. I don't like to have to be the one to address things all the time especially when it comes to him acknowledging his mistakes. He's an adult and I know he knows what he's done wrong. But like most things, he acts like nothing happened and rather acts kindly and kisses my butt. This is HIS version of him apologizing. I think a good old fashion apology would be better because then it tells me he's accepting ownership for what he did. I am not seeking an apology because I would prefer it come from him on his own. And when it comes to major stuff, he rarely apologizes. So for now at least, I have imaginary dialogue sometimes as to what of say reference him skipping over the ownership and apology.
Right, a "normal" person should be able to see thier errors (atleast part of the time), and step up and address the mistakes on thier own. On the bright side, atleast there seems to be some ownership if he's appologizing in his own way, which is more then some others get from thier pwBPD.
This is a perfectly normal part of the detachment process Sparky. It is step 1 in the five stages in acknowledging your feelings. (The five steps are listed to the right of your screen)
How are you coping with these feelings? Distraction is good when you need a break from the ruminations though they are very much a part and we all go though this stage.
Thanks for the validation.
Coping varries. Sometimes I will acknowlege and embrace the conversations. Perhaps a long hot show and that will be my time limit. After that, then try to distract myself. Othertimes, when I realize, I will immediately try to distract.
I have these conversations all the time! And, I guess I am still stuck in stage 1---after a year! Like the moderator said, I've got to find a way to distract myself as do you. The abrupt splitting and no contact he initiated was traumatic... . there will be no formal goodbye, no niceties, wishing well, etc. That's hard to process.
I'm with you.
I agree. No formality to the ending IS hard! Our last break, pre-recylce was about a year. I guess I still did this to an extent. But not nearly as often. And I don't think they felt as intense. Hopefully you can find something to help distract and move you past this. Hopefully I can too.
I have these conversations all the time! And, I guess I am still stuck in stage 1---after a year! Like the moderator said, I've got to find a way to distract myself as do you. The abrupt splitting and no contact he initiated was traumatic... . there will be no formal goodbye, no niceties, wishing well, etc. That's hard to process.
I'm with you.
It's been about a year and I still do this too. I think it happens in my dreams more than it does in my conscious thought.
I had imaginary conversations when we were together more, I think. Sometimes it was when I was excited and missing her couldn't wait to see her. Other times it was when she was "needing space" (at the bar, maybe with her ex, etc.) and it was more a trying to say what I need and trying to understand why she thought it was OK. In the regard of replaying how I could have done things, said things differently, I think in the long-term it's unhealthy, because it's trying to solve something that is damaged and yet I'm making myself out as the one who should have carried all that burden.
Wish I could remember my dreams! But I would imagine I do this too.
In the past I would focus on how I could have done things differently too. ... . Relived arguments and tried to think of how I could have defused situations. Or maybe showed that I cared "even more". In retrospect, it was alot of wasted time, energy , and sleep becuase I feel pretty certain that there was no perfect combination of things that could have been done or said.
